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December 31, 2006

New Year's Resolutions

We thought it'd be fun if we posted our "resolutions" for 2007.

  • We resolve to use a condom every single time.

  • I resolve to find a guy who lives in the same state as me.

  • I resolve to find a guy who isn't friends with another guy I've already um, "found".

  • We resolve to try new things, go new places, and meet new people.

  • We resolve to be less judgmental and bitchy. (Oh, who are we kidding?)

  • I resolve to be a better mother and daughter.

  • I resolve to remember that the opposite of anger is patience.

  • We resolve to eat more fruit and vegetables. (Lime in our Coronas and peppers on our pizza does count).

  • I resolve to have more sex. (I think that's always a healthy choice.)

  • I resolve to lose 10 lbs. before my high school reunion, whenever that may be.

  • We resolve to let go of negative people in our lives. (A new year is the time to purge ourselves of things and people that don't make our lives better in some small way).

  • We resolve to stop making so many resolutions that we know we won't keep.

Yeah that totally wasn't fun at all.

Happy New Year from Jezebel & Lilith
and the Evil Slut Clique

December 27, 2006

stalk at your own risk-episode 2

Since this is quickly turning into a continuing series, you can see how evil sluts like to spend their vacation downtime.

So I was browsing myspace too (yeah, I know), looking at people that I went to high school with (I know). I found a bunch of people that I used to be pretty close with, but haven't talked to in years. I noticed that almost all of them had my ex-boyfriend on their lists, and some of them had him in their top 8. No big deal, he was a nice guy and we did all go to school together. But it did make me laugh because back then, hardly any of them liked him.

Here's a quick sampling of what I heard about my ex from some of these friends when I got back in touch with them during college.

"Oh God, you guys aren't still together, are you?"

"During senior year we all couldn't wait for you two to break up."

"Every week we all said that maybe that would be the week that you would wise up and dump him."

Now they're all the very best of friends. Well, the best of myspace friends, anyway. I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or myspace makes us all go crazier. Something like that.

December 26, 2006

stalk at your own risk

I was feeling a little psychotic, so I decided to browse the myspace profile of an evil woman (and that's not "evil" in an evilslutclique kind of way; more of "evil" in a I hope I don't turn into stone by looking at her kind of way) who slept with one of my ex-boyfriends several times... while I was still dating him (duh).

I was pleased to see that she is even less attractive than she was at the time I was dating him, but that's besides the point. (And yes, I realize attractiveness is completely subjective... so I'm not outright calling her an ugly man-faced hoe. I'm just saying that in my humble opinion, she is an even uglier man-faced hoe than I had remembered).

Anyway, she had a list of things that "every woman should know" in her blog and this one just made me laugh out loud (seriously, I actually "LOL"-ed).

Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

Now normally I'd think, "wow maybe she really learned something from past experiences and has become a better person." Yeah, normally I'd think that, if it was anyone else. But in her case, I'm just going to assume she's just being a big, fat hypocrite. The reason being that she also had posted this:

I do not lie. I hate it.

Um, okay. Doesn't lie, huh? Not even to the girlfriends of guys you are fucking? That's why she was able to look me straight in the face (on more than one occasion) and talk about how she and my ex were just friends. Nah, she never ever lies. Sure. I totally believe her.

Hypocrisy is a dangerous thing. So is being delusional. (And so is myspace).

December 24, 2006

All I want for XXX-mas

We've been seeing a lot of these "Keep the Christ in Christmas" signs around, so we at Evil Slutopia would like to thank you all for keeping the ho in holiday.

For your holiday enjoyment, we'd like to offer you suggestions for our very own 12 nights of XXX-mas. On the first day of XXX-mas, my lover gave to me... a angel sodomized by a Christmas tree....

1. Read "Cyanide and Happiness" at Explosm.net

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic

2. Buy a t-shirt from T-Shirt Hell

3. Listen to Like Fucking Christmas by Action Toolbelt.

4. Save Chanukah by renting the The Hebrew Hammer

5. Buy yourself a new holiday outfit from ThreeWishes.com

6. Watch a Charlie Brown Kwanzaa

7. Enter the Momimomi Naughty Holiday Limerick Contest
There once was a boy named Danny
Who had a secret crush on his nanny
Under the mistletoe he stood
Holding his wood
Waiting for some yule tide fanny

8. Wipe your ass with festive toilet paper from PrankPlace.com

9. Have safe holiday sex, thanks to Condom Country

10. Send a greeting card from ChocolateFantasies.com

11. Trim your tree the Nawty way

12. Get a special kiss under the mistletoe by wearing the mistlebuckle

December 21, 2006

So how are things?

Dumb Things Guys Say #8

1. Boy meets girl, boy dates girl, boy goes back to ex
2. Please don't violate my phone's personal space

: So how are you?

Lilith: Good.

Guy: How are things?

Lilith: Good.

Guy: How's work?

Lilith: Good.

Guy: How's your kid?

Lilith: Good.

Guy: How's life?

Lilith: So where's your girlfriend? I want to meet her.

Guy: Oh we're not together anymore.

Lilith: Oh I'm sorry.

Guy: Yeah it was doomed from the start.

Lilith: Oh.

Guy: I had to give it a shot, you know...

Lilith: Yeah.

Guy: But she just wasn't the girl for me...

Jezebel: (putting her arm around Lilith) Well not everybody can have a girlfriend as great as my girlfriend.

December 18, 2006

Bet I can't have just one...

A few years ago, I thought I might have a sex addiction problem. Not that I was necessarily addicted to sex, but just that I was (somewhat) compulsively promiscuous. (I was going through a short "mental hypochrondriac" phase in which I thought I had lots of conditions. Apparently promiscuity is one of the symptoms of bipolar disorder, as well as "inappropriate punning", which I am also quite passionate about).

I eventually came to my senses and realized that my "promiscuity" was a. not nearly as bad as actual sex addicts, b. not caused by a psychological disorder, and c. not actually anything I cared to change. I've realized that the only problem I have is poor impulse control.

Today someone brought us a box of cookies at work. If I didn't have coworkers, I think I would have eaten the entire box. (It was a big box with multi-layers of cookies). Actually, the fact that I have coworkers was not what kept me from eating the entire box, but rather the fact that they were there and would know. There is a reason that I do not buy large boxes of cookies to keep in my home. I wouldn't be able to keep them, I'd eat the entire box right away. I am guilty of overindulgence.

I don't drink that often, but when I do I almost always have one drink too many. I don't get to the point where I'm falling down and blacking out (er, not anymore at least) but I do think I lack that switch in my brain that tells me when to stop. (I can tell when I'm already drunk, at which point I do stop... but I just can't seem to quit when I'm ahead).

I am the same way with men. I overindulge and have no will power. Combine that with my low standards, lack of morals, tendency to become easily infatuated, and aforementioned drinking problem... you know what you get. I've managed to get it under control lately, but I still know that there is something in me that has a tendency to overdo it. I always feel like I'm just a few steps away from an all night bender with a cute boy, a case of beer, and a bag of Doritos.

Oh man, that's like the sexiest thing I've ever thought of. Seriously. I'm that pathetic.

December 16, 2006

When he says "I'll call you"

One of my pet peeves (it seems we have a lot of them after all) is when someone says they are going to do something and doesn't. I know that most people in the world probably don't like that, so perhaps it's not fair to call it a personal pet peeve... It particularly bothers me when it applies to phone calls. I'm actually not a high-maintainance girl to date. I don't require constant attention or a lot of phone calls. What I do require is that if you say you're going to call me... that you actually do it. I require this of all people I associate with - friends, coworkers, dates, everyone - and I think all people should feel the same way.

I will point out that there
is a difference between not returning a phone call and not calling when you say you will. Both are annoying, but not returning a phone call right away can be forgiveable because there are sometimes extenuating circumstances. However, once you say, "I'll call you", you better fucking do it. If you extend a time-frame to that, you stick to it. If you don't, then you don't get to call me again.

I had to learn the hard way not to accept this kind of behavior. I've had quite a few friends and boyfriends over the years that just didn't get it. I've had friends who never called
anyone back, so I don't always take it personally... but I don't cater to it either. Once I realize that a friend has this habit (and can't break themselves of it), I just stop calling them. I will speak to them when they call me, but they have to make the first move because I refuse to call them first, if I know they won't call back. When it comes to a potential 'suitor', I won't tolerate it at all because he hasn't proven to me yet in any other ways that he deserves to be in my life. He has to earn the right to know me and interact with me. Not calling is the #1 way to not achieve that goal.

I once ended a four year relationship over this. Obviously you don't break up over just a phone call... we had plenty of issues going on, but ultimately the last straw was the time he came home three hours later than he said he would, without calling. I didn't care what he was doing (he claimed he was helping his family with something and that may or may not be true, but I could care less). It was just the utter lack of respect of not calling to check in. I knew at that point, that I was never going to completely trust him and that he was never going to treat me the way I deserved.

It's more than just the lack of a phone call... it's the way of thinking. It's a lack of consideration and a lack of respect. If he can't even call me when he says he will, how I can trust that he'll do anything he says he'll do? If he can't show me that small amount of respect, how can I expect that he'll do anything for my sake? If he can't take 5 seconds to let me know what's going on, what makes me think he's ever going to take time to think about how any of his actions affect me?

Just last night we were out at a bar, when I noticed a missed call from a guy I met recently. (We had discussed earlier the possibility of his meeting me that evening).
His voicemail said he was getting out of work and if I wanted, he would come meet us for a drink or two.

So I called him right back but there was no answer. Now that's one of those things I don't understand. He just called me 2.0454636 minutes ago. How far could he
really have gotten from his phone in that time, that he wouldn't be able to answer it now? I left him a message telling him where we were and to give me a call and let me know when/if he was coming.

About 45 minutes later, he hadn't called. I tried him again and got no answer
again. After an hour and a half (!!!!) I called again and said, "It's been over an hour, so don't even bother coming out at this point. I'm not calling you again."

He called the next day (today) to apologize and explain. Apparently there was some kind of "emergency". I told him, "you still could have called to tell me that. That would have been the considerate thing to do". Since this was his first offense, I've decided to forgive him. Forgive, but not forget. I made it a point of making it crystal clear that this is not the sort of thing that I tolerate, so in the future it best not happen again. (I wasn't as big a bitch about it as I may sound right now; I'm simply paraphrasing with attitude. It's my blog and I'll vent if I want to).

I usually forgive a first offense, if I receive an apology and at least an attempt at a good excuse. Then I make the mental note of "strike one" (and you only get two strikes in this game). The first time, I will give him the benefit of the doubt that he really had no idea that it was disrespectful and inconsiderate to not call. Once I've explicitly made it known that it is not okay, if it happens again... there's no coming back from that.

I may not be the most sought after woman on the planet, but I do okay... so I don't feel like I should have to work that hard for every new guy. If he doesn't feel the need to make an effort, neither do I and that ends that.

I'm still waiting to see if this is going to become a habit or if it was a one time thing. I really don't get the impression that he's an asshole, but I guess only time will tell. The good news is that he has already called twice today. He ended our last conversation with "so I'll call you", but we'll see about that.

December 14, 2006

Third-degree rape is a Class E felony

This isn't really the kind of thing I would typically write here, but I found out today that a friend's husband was arrested for sleeping with one of his (teenaged) students. I'm a little bit in shock.

I saw it in the paper today. It seems she isn't answering her phone, with good reason. I'm a little bit at a loss for what to do or say.

The stigma of being cheated on is really strong, but having your husband's indiscretions published and distributed has to be extra unsettling. Not to mention the fact that he not only betrayed and humiliated her... but also broke the law. And since they have a child, him being labeled a "sex offender" will likely be an issue with child protective services.

That's some heavy shit. I wouldn't answer my phone either.

I don't have the full story (you can't really trust a newspaper) but I can only imagine what other people are already saying and possibly spreading. I don't know how someone can come back from this sort of thing.

My heart hurts for her.

December 13, 2006

10 cents for a date?

Today I was returning some Halloween things to the arts and crafts store. (Yes, I realize it is December, so I'm guilty of procrastinating... sue me). The man on line in front of me had his total come out for $50.11, but he only had fifties and one lonely penny. The cashier kept asking him, "you don't have a dime? you don't have any singles?" She obviously didn't want to deal with giving him back $49.90 in change. I pulled a dime out of my purse and gave it to the cashier.

He said, "I have change in my car... let me pay you back". I said, "don't be silly... it's just a dime." He looked down at my hand and said, "not married... I'll have to take you to dinner." We both laughed and I said, "oh no, it's just a dime, happy holidays". He left and I went about making my return, feeling all good about myself for my tiny moment of charity.

A few minutes later he comes back in with a dime and asks for my phone number so he can take me to dinner. I just said, "Oh I'm sorry, I can't". He looks at me kind of annoyed and asks, "dating?" I lied: "yes". (It was nicer to lie than to say, "sorry but you're twenty years older than me and unattractive").

He rolled his eyes and huffed away, looking all pissed off that he took the walk from his car back to the store for nothing. So much for random acts of kindness to strangers. I'm not that fucking charitable.

December 12, 2006

I hope I don't end up in there

So what other kinds of stuff do you write?

Lilith: Well, we have this blog we're doing now...

Guy: What's it about?

Jezebel: Um... different things.

Guy: Like what?

Lilith: Well, we have one section on Dumb Things Guys Say to us.

Guy: Oh yeah? I hope I don't end up in there.

Lilith: Oh no, of course not.

Jezebel: Never.

December 11, 2006

please don't violate my phone's personal space

Dumb Things Guys Say #7

I don't know if this technically belongs in "Dumb Things Guys Say", since it was 98% via text-messages (the lowest form of communication). I do think it qualifies because the idiot basically assaulted my phone and nothing can be dumber than that.

This conversation was literally painful.

Guy: 11:51 am U out?
Lilith: 12:04 am Yeah we're at B.T.
Guy: 12:06 am How is it?
Lilith: 12:08 am Pretty cool. Lots of people but not scary crowded.

[My thoughts: Is he using me as a screening device for which bars to go to?]

Lilith: 12:13 am Why what r u doing...going to C.P.? hahaha
Guy: 12:17 am Ha ha yeah, i was gonna come by and say hi but forget it wise ass! Just playing!

[My thoughts: Why would I want him to come by and say hi?]

Guy: 12:33 am Sorry about all my bullshit thanks for being understanding.
Lilith: 12:35am No problem. That's life. Life is complicated.
Guy: 12:39 am U gonna be there for a while, can i come say hi to a beatiful woman?

[My thoughts: Ew, why is he calling me beautiful?]

Lilith: 12:43 am We probably will be here a little longer but weve been out since 8:30. There are lots of beautiful women here, ha.
Guy: 12:50 am Not beautiful hippie chicks! Talk to u tommorow?
Lilith: 12:51 am Huh?

[My thoughts: Huh? 1. Does he consider me a "hippie chick"? 2. Didn't he just say he was stopping by? 3. Why would I want to talk to him tomorrow?]

Lilith: 1:00 am ??
Guy: 1:01 am U said thier were beatiful women there, if thats all i wanted i wouldnt have been honest with u.

[My thoughts:
Obviously, my joke completely sailed over his head. The reason for my "huh?" also did.]

Lilith: 1:05 am Haha you have no idea what I'm saying. We aren't going to cross paths tonight. Have a good night.
Guy: 1:07 am I guess im a dope.

[My thoughts: Yes.]

1:09 am RING RING!

Lilith: Hello?

Guy: Why are you mad?

Lilith: Um, I'm not mad. You're just being weird. What are you talking about?

Guy: I don't understand what YOU'RE saying.

Lilith: Obviously. What do you want?

Guy: Are you going to be out there for another half hour to hour?

Lilith: Half hour... maybe, but hour... probably not. We're getting tired. Why?

Guy: Oh well I thought I'd just stop by and say hi.

Lilith: Are you stopping by JUST to say hi or are you going out anyway?

Guy: I was just going to come out to say hi to you.

Lilith: Well in that case, don't bother... because we're leaving soon. If you were going out ANYWAY, I'd say yeah pass by and say hello, but don't come out just to see me because I'm going home soon.

Guy: What are you doing tomorrow?

Lilith: I don't know.

Guy: Wanna get a cup of coffee or something?

Lilith: Um... I don't know.

Guy: Okay I'll call you tomorrow.

Lilith: Whatever.

(call duration 2 minutes 43 seconds)

[My thoughts: Huh? 1. Why is going to stop by with the sole purpose of seeing me? 2. Why would I want to go get coffee tomorrow?]

Guy: 1:27 am If ur still there im coming by!

[My thoughts: It's been a half-hour since I told him that we'd be leaving in a half-hour. Why is he stopping by now?]

Lilith: 1:32 am leaving now
Guy: 1:45 am I'm on my way home too. See u tommorow?
Lilith: 1:57 am Dude no offense but you're annoying tonight.
Guy: 2:27 am Apologies. never happen again. Bye.

Guy: 6:20 am (blank message)

[My thoughts:
What the...? What just woke me up? ...Oooh I'm gonna kiiillll him!]

Do you feel my pain?

Did anyone else notice the times? It took him over two hours of stopby-dontstopby-stopby.

Luckily I didn't get any calls from him the next day to "go to coffee".

December 9, 2006

third time's a charm?

Dumb Things Guys Say #6

The follow-up to this wonderful gem of conversation:

Guy: So can my friend get your number?

Lilith: Um, I don't think so.

Guy: Well what about him?

Lilith: Uh... no.

Guy: Well what about me?

Lilith: Bye.

December 7, 2006

my friend... is mute

Dumb Things Guys Say #5

One of our pet peeves is the my friend line.

Guy: My friend thinks you're really pretty.

Lilith: Aw, thanks. Everyone thinks I'm really pretty. That's because I'm really pretty.

Guy's friend: My friend says stupid things like "my friend thinks you're really pretty".

December 6, 2006

You want me to do what to your what?

So your new boyfriend has charmed your parents, won over your friends, and managed to stimulate you intellectually, emotionally, and physically. He is just perfect and you couldn’t be happier. That is until he asks you to change his diaper1 while dressed in a squirrel costume2. You thought you’d found the man of your dreams, but then the other shoe dropped. And it was a four-inch stiletto that he wears to stomp on cockroaches3.

When we come across that too-good-to-be-true perfect guy... the first thought that crosses our minds is “what’s wrong with him?” There has to be something wrong with him or he wouldn’t still be single, right? Well nobody is perfect and that includes us, so in this day and age we could all stand to be a bit more forgiving. It’s not about lowering your standards; so much as it is about having realistic standards. And finding a perfect Prince Charming caricature of a man isn’t realistic. The first question I might ask is “what’s wrong with him?” but the second question is “how can I learn to accept it?”

When “what’s wrong with him” takes the form of a paraphilia or sexual fetish it can be a little harder to accept. That’s not to say that there’s really anything wrong with it, but if it’s not mutual then it can definitely be a problem.

For those of you who aren’t scientifically-minded (like um, us) a paraphilia is an item or scenario that is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification (sometimes called a “sexual deviation” or “perversion”). A fetish is the use of a non-sexual object/body part to gain sexual excitement (for example: foot fetishism, leather fetishism, and yes, there’s actually such a thing as robot fetishism). The term “fetish” is often misused and is, in fact, just one type of many paraphilias.

We found a long list of paraphilias, many of which we never knew were common enough to require names. I wonder how many documented cases of Botulinonia (using a sausage as a dildo) were required before it made the list. If anyone out there has statistics on the frequency of sausage dildo usage, please let us know. We’re always looking for new business ventures and the sausage dildo industry might prove to be quite lucrative.

But I digress. Even though a lot of the names make them sound like infectious diseases (very unsexy), they’re not all so bad. Of course there are the dangerous and/or illegal ones that should be a red flag for most people, such as Necrophilia (sexual arousal from corpses). I think we can all agree that if your boyfriend is into screwing dead people, it’s not closed-minded to call him a freak and get the fuck out of there. But some of them – such as Choreophilia (sexual arousal from dancing) or Amaurophilia (sexual arousal from being blindfolded 4 or otherwise unable to see) – might actually be somewhat appealing to the average white-bread couple.

Then there are the fetishes that are somewhere in between… those that are harmless, but still not something you ever thought of trying. I mean, Oculolinctus (the act of licking someone's eyeball 5 may do nothing for you sexually, but is it a reason to end an otherwise great relationship? And what man wouldn’t be secretly relieved to find out his girlfriend is an Eproctophiliac (one who is aroused by farting)?

So the question is: In the case of innocuous (but perhaps unappetizing) sexual quirks, when do you try to be open-minded and embrace his or her desires… and where do you draw the line? Sometimes it’s a deal breaker, but if he just likes a healthy dose of kink once in a while, are you being closed-minded and selfish if you refuse to even try it?
“I’ve dated a guy who likes when a girl stands on his penis. It is a very clean kind of sex… often without the exchange of body fluids. I think a significant other should try to fulfill their mate’s fetishes, if they are getting something back too.” – S.G.

A Few Basic6 Things to Remember

There is a big difference between liking it and needing it.

“There’s nothing wrong with a bit of the stuff occasionally, but it became too much when he couldn't get off without it.” – S.D.
If he can’t get off without his dog licking his toes7 during sex but you’re allergic… then that’s a relationship that’s doomed to fail (unless of course he has one of those hypoallergenic breeds). There's nothing wrong with a little experimentation or a hearty imagination, but anything that restricts your sexuality that much can't be healthy.

When your sexual preferences are getting in the way of basic hygiene, it’s okay to be a little hesitant.

“I think food should stay in the kitchen.” – J.
One of our friends, age 30, said he indulged his girlfriend’s occasional food play8 but grew annoyed at the growing frequency (and um, stickiness). After an explosive fight over whether the honey bear should be kept on the nightstand or in the kitchen cabinet, he realized they might have a problem.

Opposites don't always attract. Or at least they shouldn't.

Once in a while there will be that perfectly compatible couple, such as the cliché pairing of the sadist and masochist (which gives us sadomasochism9 and BDSM). However, when views conflict too much, it can be a recipe for disaster.

I happen to have a semi-under-control case of hemaphobia10 (fear of blood). It’s a completely illogical fear (which is what makes it a phobia, technically speaking)11 but it’s not to a severe degree. Even though I can discuss and be in the presence of blood a little bit now, I’m still kind of ‘ick’ and also ‘eek’ about blood and anything related to blood (needles, blood-related diseases, okay I’m getting a little queasy so I’ll just leave it at that). I was reeeeeally disturbed when I discovered that a cute guy I met was intovampire fetishism12. Blood fetishist + hemaphobic = not a good match.

Some things are just too… icky.

"If you were interested in someone who was into peeing, I would tell you!" -- H.
Our friend, age 26, had a long term crush on a man who was later revealed to be into watersports14 (and I don't mean snorkleing!) Despite liking everything else about him, she just couldn't bring herself to pee on him. Even though she had no moral issues against it, she just couldn't get past the 'ick factor'. She was also pissed15 at everyone who knew and never told her. And apparently there were a lot of people who knew, which made it even less appealing to her. (I guess one thing worse than peeing on a guy, is someone else knowing you peed on a guy?)

But then again...

All that aside, I'm still a strong believer in the "don't knock it til you've tried it" school16 of thought. So my advice to anyone out there is this: Sometimes expanding your boundaries a little bit can make for some new pleasures you never realized you'd enjoy.

(Or not).


1. Diaper fetish: the desire to wear diapers (often associated with paraphilic infantilism, which is the desire to be treated as a helpless infant or “adult baby”).

2. Transformation fetish: sexual arousal by transformations, usually of people into other beings (furries are transformation fetishists who take on animal “personas”);
Zoophilia: emotional or sexual attraction to animals.

3. Crush fetish: the desire to see others crush inanimate objects or small creatures, such as bugs.

4. Just to avoid any confusion, amaurophilia is not usually associated with donkeys. That's a whole other thing.

5. That scared the hell out of me. Nothing scientific here, just terrified.

6. Basic... and completely arbitrary.

7. Shrimping:
the act of toe-sucking, usually for the purpose of sexual arousal (but is not some kind of shellfish fetish, see #8).

8. Sitophilia: sexual arousal from food.

Sadomasochism: the collective term for sadism (sexual arousal from giving pain) and masochism (sexual arousal from receiving pain/humiliation).

10.Each time I typed “hemaphobia”, the spell-check prompted me to correct it to “homophobia”. I just find that kind of funny. My computer thinks I'm afraid of gay people.

11. Phobia: a persistent, abnormal, and irrational fear of a specific thing or situation (despite the awareness and reassurance that it is not dangerous).

12. Blood fetish or haematophilia is the arousal by blood, sometimes including the sight of it, licking/drinking it (often through “love bites”).

13. There is no number 13. (Aren't you paying attention!?) Triskaidekaphobia: fear of the number thirteen.

14. Urolagnia or urophilia: sexual arousal from urine (such as urinating on or being urinated on by other people; "golden showers").

15. Yeah, that's right. Pun intended. (Better that she be pissed off, than pissed on?)

16. Not to be confused with the School of Hard Knocks

December 4, 2006

Bosnian serial killer

Dumb Things Guys Say #4

The Scene: A beach in Florida. 3 AM. Lilith and Jezebel have just left the bar with some friends, where...fuck it, no amount of explanation is going to make this make sense.

Jezebel and Lilith are walking down the boardwalk. A van pulls up.

Bosnian Serial Killer: You want massage?

Lilith: Massage? Um, no.

Bosnian Serial Killer: You don't want massage? But I have van!

Jezebel: No, really, we're good. Thanks though.

December 3, 2006

best beer ever

Dumb Things Guys Say #3

Jezebel and Lilith were out at the bar one night, talking to a group of guys. One of the guys had his arm around Jezebel. Towards the end of the night, he pulled her close, looked deep into her eyes, and opened up about his true feelings.

Guy: This is the best beer I've ever had.

Jezebel: Dude...that's a Bud Light.

Good taste in girls, bad taste in beer.

November 28, 2006

boy meets girl, dates girl, goes back to ex

Is this bad dating karma or good dating karma?

A while back I went on a date with a guy. (Shocking, I know).

I had met him on a Saturday.

He called me on Sunday.

And Monday.

And Tuesday.

We had a dinner date on Wednesday.

He called me on Thursday and asked me to hang out that weekend.

We went out for his birthday on Friday. I met his parents and almost every single one of his friends.

He sent me a text message on Saturday to say what a good time he had.

Sunday he called me to tell me that he was getting back together with his ex-girlfriend.

My reaction: Laughter. I wasn't even upset.

He thanked me for being so "cool" about it. I hardly knew the guy, how could I be mad about that? If I was the catalyst that brought him back to the girl he's meant to be with, then good for him. (When she heard he was out with me, she got really jealous and realized what she was losing... or some shit like that).

I have to believe that things like this happen to me for a reason and that someday I will be rewarded for all the people I've brought together.

I'm waiting.........

November 24, 2006

The Home-From-College Crowd

This is the group of people that you see out at the bar over Thanksgiving weekend making a little too big of a deal out of how much fun they're having. They're doing this because it's their first time out at a bar with their high school friends, since they all went off to college and got really good fake IDs. They can also be found being very loud and obnoxious riding any form of public transportation.

Even though we all used to be them at some point, this is all forgotten after receiving a college degree (with tolerance decreasing exponentially every year post graduation).

Common signs are repeated use of the terms "oh my gaaaawd" and "I'm soooo wasted."

See also: The girl puking on the floor of Penn Station at 3 AM on Thanksgiving Eve, who looks like she snuck out of the house when the babysitter wasn't looking.

Bonus points: The girl puking on the floor of Penn Station at 10pm on Thanksgiving Eve.

November 20, 2006

totally not smooth

Dumb Things Guys Say #2

I found myself caught in of a crowd of moving people in a bar and some guy comes up to me.

Guy: If you're going to stand in the middle like that, you're going to get stuck in the traffic.

Lilith: We just got here.

Guy: No you didn't. You've been here at least an hour now.

Lilith: I meant this spot, not the bar... but hey... so basically you've been checking me out for an hour now, huh?

Guy: Oh shit. I just totally blew any shot at being smooth didn't I?

Lilith: Yes. Yes you did.

November 16, 2006

the bald and the beautiful

Last night at the bar, I ran into a guy I went to high school with.

Did you have sex with him?

Um, yeah.

Last night?

No, another time.


Okay, so not the issue.

Since when is you being a whore not an issue?

I saw him last night and I didn’t recognize him.

Was he scarred in a terrible accident?

No. Worse.

Did he have a sex-change operation?

No. Worse than that! He was bald. And fat. And old.

Isn't he the same age as you?

Yes, but he looked older than me all of a sudden. He looked old enough to be my dad. He seriously aged at least ten years since I last saw him.

Ten years ago?

No, it was like three years ago.

When you had sex with him.

Um... yeah. But that's not the point.

Since when is...?

The point is that he was old! All the guys my age are… old.

Because you’re old.

I’m not old!

You’re older than me.

Yes, but I look young for my age!

Like that guy at the bar last week said… you look good for your age.

I still don’t understand that one. Don’t most women my age still look good? It’s not like I’m going around with a walker and orthopedic shoes.

And it’s not like you have gray hair…

Well, I pull the gray ones out.


It’s more of an aesthetic thing than an age thing.


But my point is… all the guys my age are… old.

Because you’re…


Okay so they’re old.

I’ve hit that age where I don’t find any guys attractive.

Moving on to the ladies?

No. I mean that I don’t find any guys in my appropriate age range attractive.

Your appropriate age range?

One year younger than me to ten years older than me.

And none of them are attractive?

There are guys who are cute but way too young looking for me to be actually attracted to them. And then there are the guys who all of a sudden look really... old.

Because they're old.

But I don't look old, why do they!? I’m not trying to date someone who is actually the age that I look.

Because that would be illegal.


And also gross.

Yes. But I don’t want to date someone who looks like my grandpa either.

Because that would be legal, but extra gross.

Where are all the normal guys my age who look… my age?

They’re with their girlfriends.

Very good point.

Or their boyfriends.

True. But there have to be some single straight guys left...

...who are old, but not old.

I feel like my tastes aren't aging with the rest of me. Why can’t I be like you and be attracted to old guys?

I’m not attracted to old guys. There was one older guy.

He was bald.

Yeah but at least he was able to go again in the morning… which is more than you can say for yours and he wasn't even as old.

Yes, but he has more hair.

But you can’t discount the importance of morning sex.

Oh I know. Believe me I do. But see, it's not that he wasn't able to go again in the morning… his problem was that he was just too lazy to wake up before 2pm. Besides, wasn’t your guy on speed or something?


Isn’t that sort of… speedy?


Thought so.

That’s another thing about the older guys… they’re just as immature as the young guys.

I know, aren't guys supposed to hit that age where they realize they're too old to still be taking drugs and staying up all-night and sleeping with young girls?

This one time we were at a bar and there was this skanky girl dancing. He said “if I keep watching her I won’t be able to get it up later” and all I’m thinking is “yeah it would be her fault, not because you haven’t slept in thirty hours and you’re taking drugs and you’re drinking…”

…and old.

And old. He was good in bed though, I have to admit.

Mine was too. You know... we really need to stop finding guys in pairs.

But it's so much more convenient.

Only... not. Hey, remember that older guy I dated that one time…

Which one?

The one who when he lost his virginity, I was three!

Ew. Too much information.

Anyway, he told me I was the oldest girl he’d ever dated! He was used to dating twenty-one year olds!!

That’s weird.

And creepy. I mean, what was he doing when he was twenty five? Dating teenagers?

Well, a twenty-one year old would still be younger than him when he was twenty-five.

Oh, right. So it’s not just that he dates younger women. He picked an age range and stuck with it.

That’s going to get progressively harder as he gets even older.

I wonder what he’s doing now.

He’s probably dating a toddler.

Oh, remember the single dad with a toddler?

The really tall guy?

Yeah. He was so immature.

Wasn’t he the one who refused to eat vegetables?

Yes. He refused to eat vegetables on principle. Even if he couldn’t taste them, if he knew they were there he wouldn’t eat them.

How do you refuse to eat vegetables as an adult? That’s just sad.

I’m sure he was an excellent role model for his kid. I remember he wouldn’t even try the gnocchi at dinner because it was made with potato and he decided that potatoes were vegetables. I’m still not 100% sure that they are, but I guess they are. Is a potato a vegetable?

I think so.

I thought it was a carbohydrate.

It’s both.

I feel like French fries now.

Me too.

Let’s go to McDonalds!

I’m too lazy.

McDonald’s should deliver.

I would pay for that.

Think of the slogans: “Got the munchies!? Too drunk to drive? Call Mickey Ds!”

Man, now I really want French fries.

Is ketchup a vegetable?

Well it’s made with tomatoes and tomatoes are fruit technically.

But didn’t the FDA decide that even though a tomato is biologically a fruit, that it was a vegetable?

How can the FDA just decide that? If it’s not a vegetable, it’s not a vegetable. You can’t vote on it and change science.

I think that based on its nutritional value or whatever they decided it could count towards the daily allowances of vegetables on the food pyramid.

Good thing they did, because everyone follows the food pyramid.

What exactly makes something a fruit anyway?

I think… it’s if it has seeds… then it’s a fruit.

Oh right! But then wouldn’t cucumbers and peppers be fruit also?

Yeah I guess so.

Why are we talking about fruit?

We were talking about old men…

Well some of them were kinda fruity too.

Like that
gay guy you dated...

Actually, he was my age.

Oh. I guess it's always something.

November 15, 2006

two appletinis please!

So I went on a date with a guy who may or may not be gay.

Now I’m not trying to be a bigot or offensive or anything when I say that he may have been gay. I understand that not all gay men are the same and that the stereotypes aren’t always true and that straight men can get manicures and facials and... whatever, this guy was really gay.

I’m not flat out saying that he was literally gay, but he was effeminate and a tad flamboyant. He was one of those guys who says things like “oh my gaaaawd, I don’t know why gay guys are always hitting on meeee!” Am I really supposed to believe he doesn’t know why? I know why. The bartender knows why. The couple at the other end of the bar knows why. Is he really the only one who doesn’t get it?

The sad thing was that he wasn't even gay in a hot threesome kind of way. He was gay in more of a "let's go shopping!" kind of of way, only without the actual fun of going shopping.

November 13, 2006

Those pants are SLICK

Dumb Things Guys Say #1

Once upon a time, on a train... a dumb guy said a dumb thing. He complimented Lilith on her slick pants.

Those are some slick pants.

Lilith: Slick pants? My pants are slick? Is that a pickup line?

Guy: No, it's not a line.

Lilith: Good. Because that's a really shitty line. Hey... slick pants.

Guy: Don't worry I'm not hitting on you... I have a girlfriend.

Jezebel: Is she your GIRLFRIEND or your SORT OF girlfriend?

Guy: She's my girlfriend, we've been together for 2 years, we're in love.

Jezebel: How would she feel if she knew you were complimenting strange women on their slick pants?

Guy: You want to ask her?

Lilith: Yes I do.

Guy: (hands Lilith his cell phone) Here, this is her number, her name's Chloe. Just press 'Send'.

Lilith: (getting voicemail) Hello Chloe. This is Lilith. Your boyfriend thinks my pants are really slick. But don't worry, he's not hitting on me. He wouldn't do that. He just thinks the pants are slick. Have a nice day. Bye!

The Guy walks back to his friends and then we notice them looking at us.

Lilith: What do you all think my pants are SLICK? These are some slick fucking pants!

His Friend walks over.

Lilith: What do you think my pants are slick too?

Friend: I guess so.

Lilith: I don't know. I'm upset. They're all so concerned about the pants. No one has complimented me on my rack.

Friend: Well you have an excellent rack.

Lilith: Yes, I think I do.

Then the Friend stared at Lilith's rack for a minute and walked back to his friends.

We see the Guy talking on his cell phone and then the Friend comes back over.

Friend: Hey, what did you guys say to my friend he's really upset?

Lilith: Huh?

Friend: (gesturing to the Guy) His girlfriend called him all pissed off... did you really call her?

Lilith: Yeah.

Friend: Why'd you do that?

Jezebel: He told her to.

Friend: What'd you say to her?

Lilith: I told her that he thinks my pants are slick.

Friend: Why'd you do that?

Jezebel: Because he told her to.

Lilith: He handed me the phone and said "just press send". Now he's going to be all upset that I actually did it?

Jezebel: So I guess now we do know how she feels about her boyfriend complimenting strange women on their slick pants.

Friend: Well do you want to apologize to him?

Lilith: No.

Jezebel: Does he want to apologize to us?

Lilith: (to Jezebel) You're the nice one... you apologize.

Jezebel: I'm the nice one?

The Friend goes back to the Guy and sends him over to us.

Jezebel: I'm very sorry that you thought her pants were slick.

But for the record, those really were some slick pants. (And her rack is quite excellent).

November 11, 2006

Welcome to Evil Slutopia

Friend: So what's it about?

Jezebel: Different things... bars, dating, sex...

Friend: Kind of like a cross between Chicken Soup for the Soul and the Vagina Monologues?

Jezebel: Actually, no. It's more like...

Friend: You should call it "Chicken Soup for the Vagina".

Jezebel: Um, no.