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November 16, 2006

the bald and the beautiful

Last night at the bar, I ran into a guy I went to high school with.

Did you have sex with him?

Um, yeah.

Last night?

No, another time.


Okay, so not the issue.

Since when is you being a whore not an issue?

I saw him last night and I didn’t recognize him.

Was he scarred in a terrible accident?

No. Worse.

Did he have a sex-change operation?

No. Worse than that! He was bald. And fat. And old.

Isn't he the same age as you?

Yes, but he looked older than me all of a sudden. He looked old enough to be my dad. He seriously aged at least ten years since I last saw him.

Ten years ago?

No, it was like three years ago.

When you had sex with him.

Um... yeah. But that's not the point.

Since when is...?

The point is that he was old! All the guys my age are… old.

Because you’re old.

I’m not old!

You’re older than me.

Yes, but I look young for my age!

Like that guy at the bar last week said… you look good for your age.

I still don’t understand that one. Don’t most women my age still look good? It’s not like I’m going around with a walker and orthopedic shoes.

And it’s not like you have gray hair…

Well, I pull the gray ones out.


It’s more of an aesthetic thing than an age thing.


But my point is… all the guys my age are… old.

Because you’re…


Okay so they’re old.

I’ve hit that age where I don’t find any guys attractive.

Moving on to the ladies?

No. I mean that I don’t find any guys in my appropriate age range attractive.

Your appropriate age range?

One year younger than me to ten years older than me.

And none of them are attractive?

There are guys who are cute but way too young looking for me to be actually attracted to them. And then there are the guys who all of a sudden look really... old.

Because they're old.

But I don't look old, why do they!? I’m not trying to date someone who is actually the age that I look.

Because that would be illegal.


And also gross.

Yes. But I don’t want to date someone who looks like my grandpa either.

Because that would be legal, but extra gross.

Where are all the normal guys my age who look… my age?

They’re with their girlfriends.

Very good point.

Or their boyfriends.

True. But there have to be some single straight guys left...

...who are old, but not old.

I feel like my tastes aren't aging with the rest of me. Why can’t I be like you and be attracted to old guys?

I’m not attracted to old guys. There was one older guy.

He was bald.

Yeah but at least he was able to go again in the morning… which is more than you can say for yours and he wasn't even as old.

Yes, but he has more hair.

But you can’t discount the importance of morning sex.

Oh I know. Believe me I do. But see, it's not that he wasn't able to go again in the morning… his problem was that he was just too lazy to wake up before 2pm. Besides, wasn’t your guy on speed or something?


Isn’t that sort of… speedy?


Thought so.

That’s another thing about the older guys… they’re just as immature as the young guys.

I know, aren't guys supposed to hit that age where they realize they're too old to still be taking drugs and staying up all-night and sleeping with young girls?

This one time we were at a bar and there was this skanky girl dancing. He said “if I keep watching her I won’t be able to get it up later” and all I’m thinking is “yeah it would be her fault, not because you haven’t slept in thirty hours and you’re taking drugs and you’re drinking…”

…and old.

And old. He was good in bed though, I have to admit.

Mine was too. You know... we really need to stop finding guys in pairs.

But it's so much more convenient.

Only... not. Hey, remember that older guy I dated that one time…

Which one?

The one who when he lost his virginity, I was three!

Ew. Too much information.

Anyway, he told me I was the oldest girl he’d ever dated! He was used to dating twenty-one year olds!!

That’s weird.

And creepy. I mean, what was he doing when he was twenty five? Dating teenagers?

Well, a twenty-one year old would still be younger than him when he was twenty-five.

Oh, right. So it’s not just that he dates younger women. He picked an age range and stuck with it.

That’s going to get progressively harder as he gets even older.

I wonder what he’s doing now.

He’s probably dating a toddler.

Oh, remember the single dad with a toddler?

The really tall guy?

Yeah. He was so immature.

Wasn’t he the one who refused to eat vegetables?

Yes. He refused to eat vegetables on principle. Even if he couldn’t taste them, if he knew they were there he wouldn’t eat them.

How do you refuse to eat vegetables as an adult? That’s just sad.

I’m sure he was an excellent role model for his kid. I remember he wouldn’t even try the gnocchi at dinner because it was made with potato and he decided that potatoes were vegetables. I’m still not 100% sure that they are, but I guess they are. Is a potato a vegetable?

I think so.

I thought it was a carbohydrate.

It’s both.

I feel like French fries now.

Me too.

Let’s go to McDonalds!

I’m too lazy.

McDonald’s should deliver.

I would pay for that.

Think of the slogans: “Got the munchies!? Too drunk to drive? Call Mickey Ds!”

Man, now I really want French fries.

Is ketchup a vegetable?

Well it’s made with tomatoes and tomatoes are fruit technically.

But didn’t the FDA decide that even though a tomato is biologically a fruit, that it was a vegetable?

How can the FDA just decide that? If it’s not a vegetable, it’s not a vegetable. You can’t vote on it and change science.

I think that based on its nutritional value or whatever they decided it could count towards the daily allowances of vegetables on the food pyramid.

Good thing they did, because everyone follows the food pyramid.

What exactly makes something a fruit anyway?

I think… it’s if it has seeds… then it’s a fruit.

Oh right! But then wouldn’t cucumbers and peppers be fruit also?

Yeah I guess so.

Why are we talking about fruit?

We were talking about old men…

Well some of them were kinda fruity too.

Like that
gay guy you dated...

Actually, he was my age.

Oh. I guess it's always something.

1 comment:

kingofalldrunks said...

out of curiousity(not that any question that really is a question isn't asked 'out of curiousity'), what age range are we talking about when 'old' is mentioned? i am oldish(36), but don't normally feel old. today i did, but only because i was being immature last night and drinking way too much rum on a school night.

(and i'm not asking because i'm trying to figure out if we could hop in the sack sometime, because i don't think we should because it would ruin this 'special' other relationship we have. realizing that this is a total change of subject, but that was supposed to be a joke about the whole 'if we sleep together or date, it will ruin our friendship' thing. i think what that line really means is 'after i have sex with someone, i become insane'. hard to say, really. any experience with that?)