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January 19, 2007

I have a crush on a boy

Normally that wouldn't make it to the blog, because I usually have a crush on a boy (or quite a few boys at a time in fact).

So why write about this crush? Because it's stupid and since I'm a masochist I feel the need to be humiliated and mocked in public. (Although I don't know if we actually have enough readers to qualify as "public", but for these purposes it's close enough).

I am infatuated at the moment... utterly infatuated with the wrong guy. This guy - although totally adorable, both in looks and personality - is completely wrong for me. Or more likely I am wrong for him, but the point is that it isn't right. We are in totally different places right now and I don't mean that geographically (although we are in different "places" geographically too, which doesn't help).

I do not know what to do with myself. Logically, I know what to do but silly school girl crushes do not listen to logic. I can't get him out of my head. Right now he's an annoying - but very cute - tumor floating around my brain. (That might be the worst - and ickiest - metaphor I have ever written in my lifetime. I hereby surrender the right to ever call myself a "writer" again).

Now I have always been known to -ahem- indulge in things that were bad for me. I eat too much junk food, drink too much booze, have too much sex (although the idea that there can be such as a thing as too much sex is still up for debate). So there normally wouldn't be anything keeping me from indulging myself in this adorable boy (complete with an honest discussion about the fact that that's all it was) and moving on.

So what's the current dilemma?

I am dating a wonderful man right now; someone much more "appropriate" in all arenas who I do like quite much. It's not serious yet and we haven't mentioned exclusivity, so I'm legally free to explore things with my crush, but I can see the potential for this becoming more serious/exclusive in the future. So I'm hesitant to shake things up. (Be clear that having these "feelings" for the crush, do not take away from my feelings for the other guy. I like him a lot; I'm just distracted at the moment).

Part of me wants to spend as much time as possible with the crush now, while I'm still technically single, just in case I don't get another opportunity. Another part of me is worried that if I get into something with him, I'll start to actually like him (and not just crush-like him) and get attached, subsequently ruining things with the other man. Especially since I know things with the crush wouldn't actually "work out" in the long run. I'm torn. I really hate that expression, but that's the only way to put it.

Want to know the worst part? The crush probably has no idea what he has done to me. I'm sure he's clueless to the effect he's had on me and the inner turmoil I'm experiencing as I sit around all day long thinking about kissing him. And in order for me to pursue something with this guy, I'd have to actually pursue him. I can't fall back on him pursuing me and me deciding to give in or not. I'd have to actively go after him.

Every day I pick up my phone and wonder what would happen if I called him and then I realize how wrong it is for me to call him if I don't even know what I want from him. So I put the phone down. And then I wish that he would call me, because then it wouldn't be my fault. I wouldn't be giving mixed signals or sitting on the fence; I'd just be answering the phone. And if he happened to ask me to make plans... well it would be rude of me to say no, right?

There I go again rationalizing. This is all so high school. I've reverted, that's how pathetic I am. At least I haven't called him and hung up yet... although it's a good thing he doesn't live around here or I'd have surely driven past his house at least once by now.

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