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January 16, 2007

Thank You For Being a Friend

What is wrong with everyone?

How is it that we're the only sane people? Is it supposed to be normal and sane to behave like this? Is it possible that we are the crazy weirdos?

I'm really starting to wonder.

Does the rest of world look at people like you and I and think "wow, what the fuck is wrong with them that they dont want to move in with some guy or get engaged after dating for one month?"

I don't know.

I think this would really change the way I experience life... if I suddenly realized that that was normal and I am abnormal. I would still do everything exactly the same, but I'd feel a little differently about it.

We should just move in together and get started on our Golden Girls years now.

Yes, we should. Blanche on that show got so much ass. Even Bea Arthur got laid at least once. There's no reason we can't be hot single old ladies who never marry.

I seriously love that show.

Me too.

Oh I forgot to tell you... on Christmas day we pulled up in front of my grandparents' house and my parents were looking at the apartment building across the street because it looked like there were some empty apartments. So out of nowhere my mom says "you and Lilith could get one of those apartments".

See! Everyone believes it. It is our fate to be single cat ladies... together. Without the cats of course. I hate cats. Instead of cats, we'll have beer.

We can get a chia pet or something.

I want that chia alarm clock! It doesn't actually grow anything.

It's a faux-chia?

I think they were giving it away as a special "chia anniversary" promotion.

Ch- ch- ch- chia!

I'm hungry now! ...I'm sorry.


I feel as though I should have made a better segue there. I don't want you think of me as the type of person who gets hungry from chia pets.

It's okay.


That clock is hilarious.

It plays "ch- ch- ch- chia!" as the alarm.

That would drive me crazy.

Well I'm not sure if it actually plays that. I just really really really hope it does because it would make me insanely happy to know that it played that.

We should get a chia pet and a pet rock.

And some sea monkeys.

Then we'd be set.

Remember our plan to marry John and his boyfriend so they could get greencards and we'd all live together in a Three's Company meets Will and Grace meets Ned and Stacey sitcom life?

I just realized Debra Messing was in two of those shows. Too bad that didn't work out.

Ned and Stacey?

No. Our greencard marriages.

I'm sure we can find two other gay foreigners to marry.

We could put an ad on craigslist.

It could be like Golden Girls, only two of the girls are "girls".

It'll be like Golden Girls meets Sex and the City meets Queer as Folk meets...


...I don't know... what?

...Back Door Sluts, Volume Three?

Yes, but only volume three. That was really the best one.

Well, yeah. Volumes one and two suffered from poor direction, while the acting starts to falter by volume four.

Although I would still get the complete five-disc boxed set if it goes on sale on Amazon.

Just to have.

It would be a collector's item.

We'd have to get two. One to watch and one to keep sealed up in the original package to sell on Ebay in twenty years for five times the price. Because by then it will have become insanely popular again... you know, because of the remakes.

Hopefully they'll release a version with cast and crew commentary. Those are always so insightful.

Definitely. But you know my favorites of the special features are always the deleted scenes and the blooper reel.

I love us.

We are the coolest and bestest girls ever!

And totally modest.

We should definitely move in together.

Only if we can get the chia clock.

And the beer.

Note to readers: If anyone would like to buy us the chia clock, it is available on amazon.com... Thank you!


Anonymous said...

Im a 42 year old white happily married male with kids who ,right now, is bored and looking for some cheap titillation (without the shame of having visited a porno site, you see). SO, I came across your blog (I cant remember how), and while I'm here I thought Id add my pennyworth of wisdom regarding shacking up getting married etc.
When my wife and I were shacking up in San Francisco, I remember thinking what a hip, iconoclastic and 'stickin it to the guys in suits' kinda lifestyle we had. Looking back, I realize how self-centered we were. How could we earn the most money for the least work? Where could we travel to next? What new things could we try out or start learning? How can we become more enlightened? Have cooler friends? Eat better food? and on and on...This would be fine if it was part of a maturation process that would lend greater conviction while teaching life's lessons, and it often is. BUT, many people dont even want to start (I dont blame them)on the arduous and painful journey of self-discovery/growth that marriage and children entail. I firmly believe that you can ONLY grow as a fully-rounded person by being committed in marriage and having the responsibility of children. Of course, single people and couples w/out kids can have compassionate lives of creative service to others, full of meaning, but they are forever barred from the joyful experiences that most of the planet enjoys.
Marriage and kids requires humility and one is forced to admit that most things that happen in life are outside your control!! When single or childless, it is much easier to deceive oneself with the illusion that we are in control. The relaxed and easy life my wife and I enjoyed then seems like bliss in retrospect but we realize that it is an illusion and we know we wouldnt return there even if we could. There is a knowledge that there is something about the sacrifice of pouring out one's life-energy for one's spouse and/or kids that will make us effectively immortal. My values and loves (and weaknesses) will live on long after I am gone. The direct payback of course is when we are old and crabby. The love we showed our kids will unconditionally be there when we most need it. There is nothing sadder than when I look into the windows of the nursing home opposite our condo and see the lonely old folks with noone to visit (the parking lot is always empty). Every week an ambulance arrives to take someone to a lonely hospital room, where they can silently fade away.......
So, I love being married and being a DADDY. Yes its tough as hell, last March I moved out for a month because we have serious issues that we both feel strongly about, but divorce is out of the question, because we have decidsed it to be. It isnt contingent on some future situation. (barring serious physical or mental abuse)
Sorry if this all sounded preachy, but from reading your posts it sounded as if you might not meet many people like me that you would sit down and have such an intimate discussion with, so I thought I would tell you my before and after marriage perspective.
Please DONT become a single old lady with cats BY CHOICE!! Take the bravest step of all--a leap of faith and a decision to stick it out no matter what. Realize that a marriage is much greater that the sum of the individuals


Thank you for your words.

At least one of the members of the ESC is a Mommy (she's even a bonafide member of the PTA). We all has access to many happily married couples of all ages.

It is possible to have a relationship such as yours (complete with love and children and responsibility and sacrifice) without the official paperwork of "marriage". As I'm sure you know, not all members of our society are given the right to legally marry who they love.

None of us are against marriage as an institution, we just don't see it as necessary. It will never be a need and we would never rush into something (as the anonymous couples who inspired this "conversation" have) just to get that piece of paper. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

But we definitely want the chia clock either way.

Anonymous said...

By the way... the "relationship" Jezebel and I have together is better than any marriage I can imagine.

(Readers: I apologize for that Oprah and Gayle moment, but it's the truth. I love me some Jezebel).

Jezebel said...

Oprah and Gayle are JUST FRIENDS. They are totally not gay. Not one bit.

I just wanted to state that for the record.

Lilith and I might be a little bit gay though. Our sluttiness knows no bounds.