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February 4, 2007

That Bowl is just Suuuuper

I don't watch football. American football that is (although I don't watch the other kind either).

I'm just not a fan - at all - so Super Bowl Sunday usually just comes and goes without me taking much notice. I do quite enjoy a good Super Bowl party, but that's more about the beer and food, than it is the actual game. I used to enjoy watching the commercials, but even those have been pretty bad lately. (Who can forget last year's debacle "Diet Pepsi: Brown and Bubbly"?)
So since I don't care for football and honestly don't understand a lot about the game anyway... I thought I'd take a moment to piss off all of our male readers (and quite a few of our female ones I'm sure) to make fun of the sport.

Now is it just me or is football kind of homoerotic? (It's not as bad as male wrestling, but close enough). Handsome muscular guys wearing tight pants (and sometimes makeup), running around with other men, occasionally touching each other on the asses while trying to get their hands on the other team's... um, ball.

RuthlessReviews.com has compared American football with World football ("soccer") in terms of "gayness". Some of it was kind of offensive (I happen to love offensive stuff, but I know some of our readers are homosexual so that's just my little disclaimer) but it was also very funny and made some good points. Here are a few excerpts (I've bolded the really gay stuff).

The overall aim, the very point of both sports is the physical unification of sweaty men; Goals are but a necessary detour towards the real goal: The celebratory pile.

...America's puritan past forces NFL players to adopt a macho facade when the urge to cuddle arises: A touch-down is the cue for the linemen to get their fat asses moving towards the goal for some chest-humping and helmet-crashing with that slender, smooth-skinned running back who seems to possess a strange magnetism in the post-game sauna sessions.

... it’s far more titillating to have teams named The Bears, The Packers and The Browns and pretend that nothing could be more normal. Or to watch the Raiders vs. The Vikings: two teams named for nautical plunderers of booty and to pretend that we are interested in the cheerleaders.

...Each play in American football begins with the quarterback and center simulating, not only anal sex, but the subsequent birthing of a butt baby. Yes, there are tight ends and wide receivers running ‘up & outs’ and ‘hail marys’ against defensive packages. But even football terminology that lacks any clearly identifiable sexual connotation sounds gay, like ‘button hook’ and ‘deep cross.’ Players are in constant and close physical contact. But that’s just plain gay. The NFL is kinky gay, which is why the players go through the entire performance wearing chastity belts, in the form of athletic supporters. The frustration, building through hours of competition and agonizing commercial breaks, must be nearly unbearable.
Even more homoerotic football terms (thank you to Outsports.com): Naked bootleg. Over the top. Line plunge. Going all the way. Getting penetrated. Man in motion. Going deep. He scores!

Play ball!

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