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April 22, 2007

Jezebel & Lilith go to a wedding; hijinks ensue.

We're baaaaaaaaack.

Our friend Chiquita just got married, so of course we flew across the country to be there! I guess she felt sorry that we were coming from so far away, because she made up a job for us to do in the wedding. We were her "candlelighters" (more on that later).

We spent the very long plane ride so bored out of our minds that we actually watched the entire countdown of E!'s It's So Over: 50 Biggest Celebrity Breakups. (Number one was Brad and Jen, what a surprise. Barbie and Ken also made the list, but we have to ask "what's the difference between Barbie/Ken and Jen/Brad anyway?") Delta only gives you 14 channels, most of which were news stations showing the Imus controversy on a loop. That left us E!, BBC America, HGTV, and about four different ESPNs.

First the lovely Chiquita picked us up at the airport and took us to buy flowers, munchies, and a sheep lawn ornament (one of our wedding gifts to her - she intends to paint it pink - it's a long story we'll tell another time). Then she dropped us at the hotel where we obsessed for an hour over what one wears to a "fiesta". Yes, her rehearsal dinner was a Mexican fiesta and the invitation said we should wear our "brightest fiesta colored clothing". Of course, practically everything we own is black so we had a little trouble there. Hey, we're from New York. (That's our excuse for everything).

Then for the next 12 hours we obsessed over being the candlelighters. Or more specifically, we obsessed over the fear that we might set something on fire other than the candles - like our dresses, or the bride's parents, or the whole damn building. The wedding coordinator told us, "don't worry, a ten year old could do it". (That didn't help at all).

We also obsessed over meeting the bride's parents. They hated us instantly. Why? There are a few reasons:
  • We are loud, outspoken, evil sluts with strong personalities from New York.
  • We were there when Chiquita first met the man who would become Se├▒or Chiquita - Lord Ludwig von Lederhosen - therefore we inadvertently caused this wedding. (Did we forget to mention that they were against the wedding?)
  • We love and support Chiquita 100% in everything she does, including getting married. All we want is for her to be happy (another thing they're apparently against)
In the word's of Chiquita herself: I'm sorry my mom's a bitch.

When we told her father that we were there the night they met...

Dad: You must have really pushed her.
Lilith: Yeah, well we did encourage her to talk to him.
Dad: No, I bet you had to push her.
Lilith: Well we didn't have to push her that much.
Dad: No, I think you did.
Lilith: Um...

What the fuck? What does that even mean? (And in case you think it was all a joke, you missed his tone of voice - it reeked of attitude). Is he implying that his sweet innocent daughter would never talk to a guy like that in a bar, unless her slutty obnoxious friends from out of town forced her to? We can't help it if we're excellent wing women.

And if you want the honest to God truth (sorry Chiquita), they didn't even meet that way. Technically they met at a bar, but the reason they were both at that bar was because they "met" on myspace. When we say we "encouraged her to talk to him", that means we encouraged her to invite him out with us that evening.

We looked at it this way: it was our last night in town the last time we visited her, so it was a perfect excuse to invite him out. It was also safer than if she was to meet him on her own (and who else, but her crazy New York friends would be willing to go with her to meet a cute guy from myspace anyway?)

We decided we would be:
  • her bodyguards (don't let the petite statures fool you, we are hard as nails)
  • her excuse to invite him out ("I'm taking my friends-from-New-York to a bar")
  • her excuse to leave if she hated him ("I have to take my friends-from-New-York to their hotel")
  • her wing women if she didn't hate him...
As you can probably guess by now, she didn't hate him. Only fourteen months later they were "living in sin" and getting ready to walk down the aisle.

Of course none of her family members (or friends for that matter) would quite understand the way they met, so we were responsible for telling the edited version of the story in which we were evil "pushers". But I digress. Her parents hate us... Throughout the evening we'd look up to find them giving us the evil eye. Now part of the reason why anybody's parents might hate us is that we're... well... evil sluts. We're always the ones who make the inappropriate comment or naughty pun or push the joke too far. Usually people find this to be quite entertaining, but her parents did not.

Luckily for us, Chiquita does find it entertaining. And so does
Lord Ludwig. What we found rather entertaining was gazing longingly at Lord Ludwig's handsome friends. The groomsmen and other "friends-of-the-groom" were all good looking guys. Even the ones who probably weren't actually that "hot", seemed hot-by-association as part of the group. Unfortunately most of them had girlfriends (as super hot guys usually tend to have) and none of them seemed even remotely interested in us anyway. Of course that tiny insignificant little detail didn't stop us from making inappropriate statements about joining them on the bachelor party (we offered to jump out of a cake) and joking about inviting them back to the hotel's hot tub.
The fiesta was decorated with random Mexican-themed items including colored animals. At one point while standing next to a group of the hottie-groomsmen, Chiquita gestures in their direction...

Chiquita: That's the sexy fox.
Lilith: Huh? Which one?
Jezebel: They're right behind you, they'll hear you.
Chiquita: No... the fox.

At that point she gestures to a fox figurine on a table next to the boys, that is stretched out in a sex-kitten type pose. It was literally a sexy fox, but of course you know where our minds were! We also had a lot of fun filling out "Marriage and Life Advice for the Couple" cards. Ours were mostly stick figure illustrations.

We spent quite a bit of time at the fiesta talking to people about New York. People who are not from the East Coast always seem to be fascinated with New York. Especially 9/11, which isn't exactly what you'd call cheerful wedding conversation.

Guest: Oh, you work in New York City? That's so interesting... tell me all about September 11th! Where were you when it happened? Where you in the city? What did you do? How did you feel?
Jezebel: Um...

In addition to all of the questions we had to answer about 9/11, Broadway plays, hot dog vendors, the subway, and knockoff handbags, we also kept getting questions about how we knew Chiquita (since we had come from so far away, yet nobody else knew us). The real story of how we met her is long and complicated and a little strange (naturally), so we had to resort to being vague and confusing and then immediately changing the subject.

Here's a typical example:

Minister: So you girls live in New York? How did you happen to become friends with Chiquita then, did you live out here before or go to college here?
Jezebel: Oh, not exactly, we had a mutual friend who was our friend and then she came here and became Chiquita's friend and then we met Chiquita through her, but we're not really friends with her anymore and neither is Chiquita but we're still friends with Chiquita and it's kind of a long story but we've all lost touch with the friend and isn't it funny how that happens sometimes? So anyway, we became friends with Chiquita that way, which is so great because she's so great and we're so lucky to be friends with her and we were there when she met Ludwig and he's so great too, don't you think? Hey, look at that really distracting thing over there! [runs away]

After the fiesta, the guys went off to booze it up and the girls went to go do facials and stuff. Since we were incredibly exhausted and out of it (due to the time change and the amount of hours we had been awake thanks to our early morning flight) we opted to skip the bachelorette. We did stop by (mostly because Chiquita got confused - "I think I misunderstood the assignment"- and took us back to her place instead of our hotel). We hung out a few minutes with the bridesmaids and then the groom's cousin (also the "guestbook officiant" - we so love these titles) drove us back. Side note: We love her too. In fact, everyone on the groom's side of the family was fucking awesome, especially his mother (the Baroness von Lederhosen).

The next day no matter how much we tried to sleep late, we were up and at it (well not so much at it, but we were up) super early. Damn that time change! We indulged in a huge (free!) breakfast courtesy of the hotel and then lounged around the room for a bit watching America's Next Top Model, a Behind-the-Scenes special on America's Next Top Model, and The Tyra Banks E! True Hollywood Story. Yeah pitiful, it was an all-Tyra-morning. (Look forward to a future ranting entry on Tyra Banks, so-called "feminist icon", pfft). Then we showered, dressed in our black and white dresses (we really didn't plan to match, we just share a brain... good thing too because we inadvertently dressed in Chiquita's wedding colors anyway! Yay us) and got ready to go.

Lilith: Is this too much cleavage for a daytime wedding?
Jezebel: There's no such thing as too much cleavage.

Lord Ludwig picked us up and drove us to the hall. We decided we wanted to go early with the actual wedding party (we were kind of like the "B-squad") because:
  • we wanted to check out the candle situation and practice (I know it sounds crazy, but dude, these were some huge candle sticks we had to carry and the candles in the candelabra kept falling over, so we were kinda terrified)
  • we wanted to help set up because the set-up crew totally bailed, leaving a stressed Chiquita and a lot of little details to tie up
  • we wanted to piss off Chiquita's parents even more, just from our mere existence (both at the wedding and on the planet at all).
So we hung out with the wedding coordinator and took care of last minute stuff like unwrapping tablecloths, peeling the price tags off napkins, and setting up flowers and candle votives. We also got even more dirty looks from the parents of the bride. We realized we were starting to enjoy it and may have been subconsciously egging them on. Okay so maybe we were consciously egging them on.

Mom: Are the groomsmen finished getting dressed?
Lilith: I volunteer to go check on them!
Mom: [look of death]

Bridesmaid: I want to take a picture. Ladies, look up!
Jezebel: [to Lilith] Look up, she's taking a picture.
Lilith: Oh! I didn't realize she meant me too.
Bridesmaid: I want to get all of you!
Lilith: You said "ladies", I'm not used to people calling me that [chuckle]
Mom: Oh surprise, surprise. Someone actually called you a lady. [walks out]
Lilith: [stunned look]
Jezebel: [look of "what the fuck?"]
[to Jezebel] Um, it was a joke when I said it.

The wedding ceremony itself was wonderful and Chiquita looked flawless. We made our way down the processional with our huge candlestick-things (hey, this was a concept completely foreign to us Godless heathens).

This obviously is not a photograph of us, but you can get the idea of what our
"candle lighting experience" was like. (We had never seen anything like it before)

There were no fatalities, although both of our flames went out as we were walking to the altar. Then in a bonafide act-of-God miracle, Jezebel's flame reignited (giving Lilith somewhere to re-light hers). We lit a total of 18 candles and then rushed to the back of the room to watch the ceremony. The wedding of Lord and Lady von Lederhosen was quite lovely and despite threats from Chiquita's parents (that they would pull an embarrassing stunt) everything went along flawlessly.

Afterwards, there was a dessert reception with two cakes (one chocolate, one banana) and the most glorious thing we've ever seen... a chocolate fountain (we just wanted to put our whole faces in it, mmmmmmm, chocolate fountain). While on line for delicious chocolately goodness, Chiquita's mother cornered us.

Mom: [grabbing Lilith by the arm] You know we're all here today because of you girls!
Lilith: Aw, well we just...
Mom: It's all your doing. This is all your fault. [grip tightens]
Lilith: Oh... um...
Mom: [death grip] This is all your fault!
Lilith: I'm... sorry?
Jezebel: Wow. We've never been blamed for a wedding before.

Yeah. At that point we really needed a drink. Alas, there was only sparkling cider (read: non-alcoholic). Yikes! At one point one her bridesmaids asked the bride if there would be dancing (which common sense should have told her no, since there wasn't room for dancing).

Lilith: If there's no alcohol, then there can't be dancing... because with this crowd they'd have to go hand in hand.
Bridesmaid: Well some people require that I guess.
Jezebel: Yes, Lilith... some people require that.
Lilith: Oh well... I'm certainly not one of those people.

Of course, even the bride was one of those people apparently!

Jezebel: [to Chiquita and Lord Ludwig] You guys are married!!
Chiquita: I need...
Jezebel: What do you need? We'll get it for you...
Chiquita: ...hard liquor.

We decided at one point during the reception to compliment the groom's mother on what a great son she has and what a lovely family... and just how happy we were that Chiquita now had them in her life. She looked like she was about to tear up and told us about how much she loves Chiquita and how she couldn't believe that having been raised by her family she still ended up such a wonderful, sweet, caring young woman. At that point, we almost started to tear up (hey, we don't have hearts of complete stone!) Then she invited us to dinner. (Later when talking to Lord and Lady, they also invited us - or rather, they just assumed we already knew we were invited and said "you're coming right?")

Apparently it was a dinner for the von Lederhosen family, the bridal party, and the immediate members of Chiquita's family - hosted by the Baroness. We were ready to order pizza and chill out in the hotel room, but we couldn't resist another opportunity to piss off Chiquita's parents! Why?

Lilith: Her parents think we're tramps!
[then realized Chiquita's sister was right behind us. Oh it's okay, I'm sure her sister already knew that her parents think we're tramps!]

After most of the guests started to filter out, the wedding party posed for a few more photographs. Chiquita insisted that we jump into a few pics (as the aforementioned bridal party "B-squad"). We went into a private room to take off our sweaters (it was cold, but we need maximum amounts of skin showing in all our photographs) and put on lipstick. We walked in on a tall, handsome groomsman zipping up his pants. (Apparently, he had started to change out of his suit and then heard they were wrangling the wedding party for photos).

Lilith: Oh sorry!
Groomsman: It's okay, I'm done.
Lilith: Well, then I'm really disappointed that we were too late to catch you changing.

After the photos were over, we accidentally walked in on him again, this time changing out of his suit for real.

Groomsman: Sorry, too late again!
Jezebel: Now that's terrible luck on our part.

We got a ride over to the restaurant with the "guestbook officiant" again. (She was our official chauffeur of the event). We sat with the Chiquita's brother and his wife and adorable (flower girl) daughter. She did a wonderful booty dance for us; clearly an evil slut in training. The tables filled up pretty quickly as there were over thirty people there. Finally the bride's parents walked in (very late) and glanced around the room. The mother asked a waiter, "there are no seats left?" and looks directly at us, as if by being there we had taken their rightful seats. (How bout you try to show up on time, huh? We were invited by the bride and groom themselves and the woman who organized the entire event... all of whom I'm sure would have been completely happy had they skipped the dinner altogether).

In a twist of fate that could only happen in Evil Slutopia, the waiter brings over some extra chairs for the other guests who were filtering in late. He sits one chair at the end of the table right next to us. She looked like she was going to die: the evil sluts on one side of her and her daughter-in-law on the other. I must say she lasted a lot longer than we expected. It took her at least four whole minutes before she got up and moved somewhere else, with the explanation "I'm going to be rude, sorry". We were hysterical laughing at that point.

We ate way too much food, drank a few beers and watched our lovely, dainty Chiquita chug an Irish car bomb (to which her mother commented "she must have learned this in college" and looked over at us again, even though we didn't go to college with Chiquita and don't particularly care for Irish carbombs anyway). Then all the guests got ready to leave. Lord and Lady von Lederhosen were spending their "wedding night" at the same hotel we were staying at, so they gave us a lift and we were lucky enough to witness Chiquita signing her new name for the first time ever! Wooh!

We were so tired the next day that we actually got to sleep "late" (think like 10am). We had some free breakfast and watched a few episodes of I Love New York, quite possibly the worst reality show ever (really, what can you expect from a spin-off of the second worst reality show ever Flavor of Love). Honestly that chick gives "New York" a bad name, but that's a whoooole other story for a whole other blog someday.

We decided we had to get out of the hotel and do something, so we walked to an outdoor mall and did a little shopping. We bought some cutesy gifts for the von Lederhosens and thank you cards for the "guestbook officiant" and the Baroness (for being so awesome). Then we went back to the hotel and watched another five episodes of I Love New York, including the reunion special. (Oh lord). Then we watched The Lake House. Yeah we were that bored. It wasn't terrible, although it dragged on a bit at one point where all we could think was "just say 'Woah' already Keanu!" It was also kind of predictable and the ending was just too implausible (even if you suspend your disbelief to accept the premise of the entire movie, the ending still didn't make sense). We won't give away the ending, except to say that we called it about an hour in.

After ordering pizza and being LAZY BUMS, we met Lord and Lady von Lederhosen (and the Baroness) for coffee and cake. We trash-talked Chiquita's parents and talked about the night we all met Lord Ludwig (the Baroness was the only other person who knew the true story - talk about a cool mom, right?)

The next morning we were on a plane back to normalcy.
The flight home was even worse than the flight in because it was American Airlines ("First Through the Towers") which doesn't give you any TV stations. The movie they were showing was Charlotte's Web. Enough said. On the cab ride home, our driver hit on us and drove like a madman.

Ah, it was great to be back in New York.


Shar said...

This is great. I hope to be able to blog stories as well as you ladies one day (ladies? i meant evil sluts)
As for Chiquita... that must suck to have parents that think you don't have a mind of your own and make it so obviously known.

Maybelline Jones said...

You could have been describing my parents instead of Chiquita's. We ended up going to Vegas by ourselves and getting married - no shit pulling at the reception. And now, I haven't spoken to them in two years, and I don't feel that bad about it.

Raz said...

You lied to a minister?


Technically it wasn't a lie. Although raz... after all the things we wrote here, that's the sin you're most concerned about? Wow.

Meeky P. said...

First off, you girls are awesome!! The next time that I am forced to attend a wedding, I totally want you there. Just your presence could keep me from wanting to drive a spork through my eye-socket. (Did I mention that I hate weddings?)

And you're right. There's no such thing as too much cleavage!!!

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