Some parts of this blog may contain adult-oriented material. (It is NOT porn or erotica, but some of the content is inappropriate for children). If you are under your country's legal age to view such material or find it to be "objectionable", please leave this page now. Reader discretion is advised...but if you couldn't infer from the title that this may be an adult-oriented blog, then you shouldn't be on the Internet at all.

Everything on the Evil Slutopia blog is copyrighted by the E.S.C. and ESC Forever Media and may not be used without credit to the authors. But feel free to link to us as much as you want! For other legal information, disclaimers and FAQs visit ESCForeverMedia.com.

June 28, 2007

Alli is Not Your Friend

There's a new diet drug on the market called Alli. (It's pronounced ally. Cute.) Alli is a lower dose version of the prescription drug Xenical that has been approved by the FDA for over-the-counter sale. It works by blocking the absorption of about 25% of the fat that a person consumes. The fat passes through the body undigested. Alli costs around $50 for 60 capsules or $60 for 90 capsules, which come in a kit along with access to the Alli website, where you are given "an individually tailored online action plan" with dieting info.

We were going to do a whole in-depth research thing on why this drug is a bad idea. But then we noticed that the official Alli website actually does a great job of openly explaining exactly why Alli is a bad idea, so now we can be lazy. Awesome.

Quotes from myalli.com, notes from the evil sluts:

How much weight can I expect to lose? That depends on how closely you follow a reduced-calorie, low-fat diet, get regular physical activity, and take alli capsules as directed. alli promotes gradual, modest weight loss of about 1 to 2 pounds a week. If you could lose 10 pounds through dieting, you could lose 15 with hard work and alli. Results for each individual may vary. ["If you consume 2,000 calories a day and eat 30 percent fat, the fat-blocking benefits of Alli would translate to approximately 150 calories a day. A pound of weight loss equals 3,500 calories." ~Genius math from the Wall Street Journal]

You may start to regain weight after you stop taking alli. In order to maintain your weight loss, you may need to continue taking alli along with a reduced-calorie, low-fat diet.

Should I use a multivitamin with alli? Take a multivitamin once a day at bedtime while using alli capsules to ensure adequate absorption of vitamins A, D, E, K, and beta-carotene. We recommend Centrum®, a balanced and complete multivitamin. [In addition to blocking the absorption of some fat-soluble vitamins, Alli also can't tell the difference between "good" and "bad" fats, which means that healthy fats like omega-3s are blocked right along with unhealthy ones like trans fat.]

The most common treatment effects come from eating meals with too much fat while using alli capsules. Undigested fat cannot be absorbed and passes through the body naturally. The excess fat is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza. [We think pizza should seriously consider suing GlaxoSmithKline for defamation of character.]
The treatment effects may include gas with oily spotting, loose stools, and more frequent stools that may be hard to control. Eating a low-fat diet with 15 grams of fat per meal on average can lower the chance of experiencing these treatment effects.
While no one likes experiencing treatment effects, they might help you think twice about eating questionable fat content. If you think of it like that, alli can act like a security guard for your late-night cravings. [Yes, we're telling you about the "medical breakthrough" that is our wonderful drug...but we'll still throw in some good old fashioned guilt and shame as a bonus.]
You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens.
You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work.

So if I follow this diet plan, Alli will help me to lose weight slightly faster than I would by just exercising and eating right alone. But it will cost me a whole lot of extra money, especially since according to the website I apparently need to stay on it forever to prevent me from gaining the weight back. And when I have lost a whole bunch of weight and I look great...nobody will want to have anything to do with me anyway, because I'll be known as 'the gassy girl' or 'that weird chick who always changes her pants halfway through the day' or better yet, 'that girl who shit herself at the office Christmas party'. Sign us up!

Could we all just do ourselves a favor on this one? Skip it. Pay someone a compliment about the way they look, ask a friend if she wants to go walking or go to the gym together, buy more fruits and vegetables, try that yoga class, learn some healthy recipes that aren't "diet" recipes. Whatever you want. Spend the $5o on something that will actually make you feel good. (Hell, it would probably feel better and be better for you in the long run to just cut to the chase and flush the actual cash down the toilet.) Leave Alli on the shelf.

June 17, 2007

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all the D.I.L.F.s out there!

(Make your wives and baby-mommas buy you one of these t-shirts from Cafepress).

June 14, 2007

Anatomy of a Hangover

Or rather... a description of what my apartment looked like the morning after a night of drinking (which I have no recollection whatsoever of coming home from in the first place)...

Head: simultaneously throbbing and spinning.

Pajamas: on backwards.

Makeup from previous night: on... sideways.

Clothes from previous night: in the bed with me, wrapped up in the blankets.

Shoes from previous night: in the bed with me, wrapped up in the blankets.

Gum from previous night: stuck to the edge of the nightstand (at least it wasn't "in the bed with me, wrapped up in the blankets").

Finger: brand new cut, wrapped in Hello Kitty bandaid.

Water bottle: uncapped (still can't find it) and apparently hadn't been drank at all (which would explain the throbbing/spinning head).

Contents of purse: scattered across the bathroom floor in disarray.

Me, soon after waking up: scattered across the bathroom floor in disarray, because I was afraid to leave the vicinity of the toilet bowl (for fear of puking in the bed) but was too tired to sit up any longer. So classy.

Time I finally felt good enough to get out of bed: 1:00pm

Time I finally felt good enough to eat: 3:00 pm (pizza)

Time I finally felt back to normal: the following day, around 2:00 pm

Age: Too old for this shit.

June 13, 2007

The ESC Quits Their Day Jobs

Unfortunately that's only half-true. Sadly, we can't exactly survive on "blogging" alone... yet. (Of course, if anyone would be interested in making a donation to the "SAVE THE EVIL SLUT CLIQUE Fund", we'd be happy to accept).

In case you've been wondering why we've been slacking on the blog (even though we are working on stuff behind-the-scenes)... we did in fact, technically, quit our jobs. My partner-in-crime has left her company to be part of something new (and better!) I, on the other hand, have given my notice to my current employer and have no idea what I'm going to do after that. Ideally, it's nice to not leave your old job until you've already found a new job. However it's not always so easy to job-hunt while you're overworked. So I'm about to enter possible unemployment. (Got any suggestions?)

Anyway... that is why we've been SUCKING lately. We are a) busy building a new career or b) stressing about going broke. Either way, the evil sluttiness has certainly taken a backseat these past few weeks. I've only been hungover one time since that second Gardasil post. Now that's just shameful.

More to come soon. We love you guys.
Stay evil, stay slutty.

(Pray for us).