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July 31, 2007

let's not talk to our exes anymore

Okay. Another crazy comic... We admit that this one isn't completely 100% true. This one is based on an actual "conversation" (we like to call them "fights", but she always called them "conversations").

There's only so many stories of hers we could listen to before we started to tune out the details...

We just decided to make up the details because it's more fun that way. And also because she's no longer speaking to us, so we can't exactly ask her to fill in the blanks for us.

So even though we can't claim that it's completely factual... it is true to the spirit of their relationship and there are quite a few lines in there that are straight from the cuckoo's mouth.

So enjoy... but read at your own risk. You may lose braincells.

“So I think that we should agree...
that we're not going to hang out with any exes anymore…


“Um… well… okay.”

(beep beep!)

“You have a text message. I’ll read it to you. It’s from Sarah.
She wants to know if you have time to talk.”

“Oh she must still be upset, I'll call her later.”

“No. We agreed not to talk to exes anymore.”

“We agree not to hang out with them.”

“Talking counts.”

“But she’s not really an ex.
We just hooked up that one time
...five years ago.
She’s just a really good friend.”

“Yeah, I don’t care. You can’t talk to her.”

“But she’s been having a hard time lately…
she just needs a friend.”

“She doesn’t need you to be her friend.
She has Melissa and Will, that’s enough.

She doesn't need more than two friends.
I basically only have two good friends."

“But… I’ve been friends with her for ten years.
She barely knows Melissa.”

“If you wanted to stay friends with her...
then you shouldn't have said you'd stop speaking to her.”

“But I didn’t say that… I…”

“Look... if you want to be her friend, that’s fine.
I’m not your keeper or your mother… it’s fine with me…”

“Oh, okay…”

“But I’m not going to date someone who lies...
and who goes back on promises they made...
and who can't be trusted to stick to agreements.”

"Um... can I have my phone back now?"


Epilogue: As far as we know, he did stop speaking to/hanging out with that girl and his girlfriend continues to babysit his phone for him.

We were never completely sure if that chick was an actual ex-turned-friend... or just a friend... (we were afraid to ask), but either way he ditched her for his girlfriend. Meh. I guess he never heard of the "bros before hoes" thing. Or in this case, uh... ex-hoes before psych-os? Okay so maybe it doesn't work in this case.

(PS: Isn't it nice to see them with clothes on for a change? Yes, it's true... some of their crazy conversations did take place out of bed. Although not many).

July 30, 2007

Munchie Patrol

Still unemployed, but I got a great idea for a career move.

Now we've always said that McDonalds and Taco Bell and places like that should deliver. (Think about the amount of money they'd make and the amount of drunk driving accidents they could prevent!) There are already grocery delivery services but they often require you to make advance orders and only deliver at certain times during the day.

So our fabulous (albeit drunken) idea? Munchie Patrol! Got a craving for some french fries but too lazy to drive to Burger King? Too stoned to go get your own Doritos from the supermarket? We'll do it for you... for a modest service charge.

I think this could be big. If you'd care to be a partner in this endeavor, feel free to make a substantial investment. All checks can be made payable to the "Save the ESC Fund".

July 29, 2007

No Idea: Where Everybody Knows I'm Lame

Today's lesson: Ass-kissing really does pay off.

A few days ago we posted a rant about lawsuits regarding "Ladies Night" promotions. On the subject of drink specials, I mentioned how much we love No Idea, home of the infamous Name Night:

There's a bar in Manhattan, that we happen to love, called No Idea. They offer an ingenious promotion called "Name Night". Each night is assigned a name (chosen semi-randomly) and if that's your name - you drink for free from 5:00-11:00. So far they haven't chosen my name (hint hint, hope you guys are reading this) but the ESC has gone to many a name night with friends. So should I sue them for discriminating against me because I'm not named Edna (7/25/07) or Steve (7/09/07)? Of course not, because I'm not a complete moron and/or asshole.

Now I wrote that out of our true love and admiration for No Idea, not because I wanted to sucker them into adding my name to their calendar. Honestly.

I love going there regardless of whose name it is because it's just a really cool place. As far as NYC bars go, the prices are pretty decent even if it's not your name (four words: pint sized mixed drink). I've heard people refer to No Idea as a "dive bar" (a phrase I usually take to mean "dirty") but at No Idea it simply means that the bar is without pretension and attitude. They have a pool table and a generally entertaining mix of people drinking their faces off. There's a reason why I make all my friends aware of it when their names pop up on the calendar... (it's not just benevolence)... it's because I enjoy going there so I'll take any opportunity to drag a friend there with me.

However, all that aside, I do like to drink for free, so I was not above sending them a link to the blog letting them know I wrote it... and blatantly asking them to reward my kind words with free beer.

Yes, I am that pathetic. The good news? They said yes. So expect a gushing (but totally truthful) review of the evening in about a month. Based on our previous nights spent at No Idea, I'm pretty sure we'll at least get some new material for Dumb Things Guys Say.

July 27, 2007

Men have it so damn rough, don't they?

So apparently there are a bunch of lawsuits going on right now against "Ladies Night". That is, men are suing bars and clubs across the country for discrimination.

I really don't know what to say or feel about this.

On the one hand, I'm no fan of gender discrimination, regardless of which gender it's directed at. On the other hand, give me a fucking break. It's Ladies' Night, geez.

Those poor poor guys... I mean we women get all the breaks, don't we?

We get to deal with rape, sexual harassment, unequal pay, ridiculous beauty standards, the government trying to take away our reproductive rights... Who cares about all that when we get all those kick-ass drink specials!?

Roy Den Hollander, the lead plaintiff and lawyer in a suit against many NYC clubs and bars - including the Copacabana Nightclub - says he has personally suffered from these unconstitutional specials and is tired of "being treated as a second-class citizen". Gee. I'm so sorry that the rich white male lawyer has to buy himself his own cocktails. How oppressed he is!

The National Law Journal also quotes him as saying:

"Whether this case succeeds or fails, it will result in a much needed victory for men."

Yeah, because men never win anything! Not political elections, or high level executive positions... no, stopping women everything from getting a free crappy White Zinfandel is what's really important.

He later suggests that clubs could reap the same benefits as Ladies' Night if men were given discounts as well, because...

"Each guy that walks into that club will have more money to buy her a drink, and the more she drinks, the more fun she and the guys will have"

Okay. So he doesn't want women to get free/cheap drinks... he wants men to get them, so they can buy them... for the women. Alrighty then!

Call me old fashioned, but part of me thinks that bars should be allowed to use whatever marketing techniques they want to attract people. That is, if the ratio of men-to-women isn't what they'd like... they offer women an extra incentive (such as a Ladies' Night drink special) to show up. How is this that much different from numerous parties bars thrown on Halloween that let people in for free (or discounted) if they're in costume?

There's a bar in Manhattan, that we happen to love, called No Idea. They offer an ingenious promotion called "Name Night". Each night is assigned a name (chosen semi-randomly) and if that's your name - you drink for free from 5:00-11:00. So far they haven't chosen my name (hint hint, hope you guys are reading this) but the ESC has gone to many a name night with friends. So should I sue them for discriminating against me because I'm not named Edna (7/25/07) or Steve (7/09/07)? Of course not, because I'm not a complete moron and/or asshole.

Should we sue a bar who offers a half-priced Budweiser Happy Hour special for discriminating against Mexicans because they're not extending the deal to Corona? Should we sue a bar that only offers drink specials on say, Tuesday, for discriminating against those of us who have to go to work early Wednesday morning?

I'm pretty sure the bars could come up with more offensive marketing schemes than "Ladies' Night". How about "Big Boob Thursdays: D-Cups Drink Free!" (Although really, D-cups always drink free, don't we?)

The ESC recently went to Ladies Night at a local bar (technically it was "Ladies Night/Unlimited Marinated Sliced Steak Night" - how can you go wrong with a deal like that?). We happily partook of the half-priced beer and couldn't find a single man there who was offended by our increasing intoxication.

I would be interested in the legal crusade George Washington University law professor, John Banzhaf, has brought about public bathrooms. The issue at hand (er... hand?) is whether women are treated unfairly when restrooms for men and women are equal in size, but have different sized lines/waiting times.

Now that's an issue I can get behind.

July 26, 2007

Hillary Clinton Shocker!

The Washington Post just recently broke a scandalous story about Hillary Clinton. Apparently she...has breasts. But wait, there's more! Sometimes in the summer, Hillary likes to wear shirts with collars that aren't either turtlenecks or buttoned up to the chin.

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It's nice to see that the Post is so committed to presenting the public with as much insightful, relevant information as possible about all of our presidential candidates. With all of the important issues that our country is facing right now, it's great to see such excellent journalism. Maybe now that they've gone this far, they'll have the courage to get deep down into some investigative reporting and let us know which candidates are coloring their hair with Just For Men.

Watch out for this weekend's Post. We hear they're getting ready to break the shocking story that Barack Obama...is black.

July 25, 2007

Doing it People-Style

I was spending time with a very cute guy who had a very cute puppy. The puppy was very cute but also very much un-trained. She bit, she scratched, she jumped up, she got jealous, she got territorial, and she weighed 40 lbs. She also had issues with separation anxiety and was accustomed to sleeping in her owner's bed. Yeah.

She was adorable and sweet and fun, but she had a mean streak. She would lick my face in the car and lay her head in my lap, but as soon as we parked and entered the apartment -- Killer Puppy Attack!

Dog trainers often say that the owner must establish an "alpha position" over the dog. That is, the owner is in charge - the leader of the pack. Even though she often misbehaved, I believe this puppy understood that her owner was the alpha-dog and she was to be subordinate to him. On the other hand, I was not so lucky. She viewed me as her subordinate. I was an intruder... coming in to her home and stealing away her owner's attention. She was always sure to put me in my place.

After a while she would accept my presence and allow me to sit on her couch and cease tearing me to shreds for short intervals of time and all would be fine and dandy...


...it came time to go to bed. Instead of curling up next to her owner in bed, she was exiled to the floor. She did not like that. She would bark and cry and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump until he either let her in the bed or locked her out of the bedroom altogether. Upon being exiled to the living room she would bark and cry and bark and cry and bark and cry and scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch at the door until he let her back in, at which point the jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump would begin again.

Needless to say, it was kind of a mood-spoiler. We had no idea what a mood spoiler Killer Puppy could be though, until she got big enough and strong enough to jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump up into the bed! There is no other experience as oddly terrifying as having a giant puppy come flying at you in the middle of sex.

(It kind of looks like this. Only with more drool).

Did I already mention that she was a jealous girl? We couldn't even kiss in her presence without her jumping into our laps and licking our faces. Imagine how she reacted to us having sex. The shelter where he adopted her was never quite sure of her breed, but I'm guessing she was part Pit Bull and part Cock Blocker.

We eventually realized through trial and error that if we just let her fall asleep at the foot of the bed, we could fool around on the other side of the bed (it was a King-size so we had a little room to work with) without disturbing her. That is, without her disturbing us. This kind of worked. Except for the fact that it was very easy to "disturb" her and she never wanted to stay at the foot of the bed. She preferred to sleep in one of three places: in between us, immediately next to us, or on my head/neck. I gotta tell you, it is really weird/creepy pushing a dog away from you with your foot while getting fucked. (Yeah, that's right, I did it and I'm not ashamed. Okay, maybe I'm a little ashamed).

It kind of sucks to never have uninterrupted "sex-time". Any of you readers out there who have kids, you probably know what this is like. The only difference is that your kids probably don't bite you or pee in the bed. (Well, actually maybe your kids do do those things). Since every child I've ever known was easily distracted by cookies and toys, I figured it might work on dogs as well. I attempted to win her heart and - more importantly - divert her attention by providing a steady supply of raw hide treats to snack on and chew toys to play with. It worked, but only for a few minutes at a time (which might've been more than enough time for some men but luckily for me, this guy was not cursed with that problem).

Maybe I should have just bought her one of these:

(the "hot doll" doggie sex toy)

I made the mistake of agreeing to pet-sit for a week while he went on vacation. (A vacation that he spent drinking excessively and quite possibly having casual sex with other women... while I was dragged up and down the street by puppy speed racer, but that's okay). That little monster tore up my carpet, scratched the paint off my door, peed on my couch, chewed up a pen which later leaked ink all over my coffee table, bit the eyes off a stuffed animal, shredded several magazines, ate part of a candle (don't worry - she didn't get sick), and left me looking like a domestic abuse victim in need of a lint brush. But in the few days I was alone with her, I made some decent progress toward teaching her three new commands:
  • "Stay"
  • "Off"
  • "Stop that you evil little bitch!"
He eventually had to give up the puppy, because his job kept him away from her for long hours. When he moved into a smaller apartment in the city, he knew it wasn't fair to her anymore so he gave her to his parents (who lived in a nice suburban area and had more time to care for her). The first night that we spent together sans-puppy was great (uninterrupted sex, no waking up early to walk the dog, no bite marks - or um, at least, no canine bite marks) . Except for the sex (which was quite nice), the rest of the time it felt like something was missing. The apartment seemed too quiet... the bed seemed too big... Wouldn't you know it? I missed that goddamn dog! I mean, not unlike her owner, she was pretty cute.

"Love me... you know you want to..."

Upon further consideration, I've realized that no matter how much I missed her (or how great a pet she could have been if trained properly)... her being gone was for the best. A puppy that cute in a major metropolitan city? Talk about a total chick magnet! If she was still in the picture, it's pretty safe to say that he would have soon been too busy to have sex with me at all.

And really, that's the most important thing, isn't it?

Side note:
Prior to writing this blog, I had this following conversation with two evil sluts:

"I think I'm going to write about how hard it is to have sex with a puppy in the bed."

"Because it's much easier to have sex with puppies when they're on the floor?"

"Don't be silly. She would never have sex with a puppy... Only an adult dog."

July 24, 2007

Hilary Duff is not, like, a crazy feminist

It's bad enough that Hilary Duff got skinny and skanky ( love that alliteration)... but now she's proving to be a moron too?

So apparently Hilary Duff doesn't know the difference between a feminist and a lesbian... except that they're both yucky!
I'm not, like, a crazy feminist. I think women definitely need men. Like, I couldn't imagine having a girlfriend! There are things that you get from one another, as well as the physical stuff, that are essential. Guys make me feel secure and comfortable, when I'm scared or need attention. They bring stability. And affection. And fun. And drama. You learn so much from a boyfriend. It's hard to put into words I guess.
Um. Okay. Just the roll model we want for our little evil sluts in training, no? Since when does being a feminist mean you wouldn't want a man in your life? And since when is it impossible for a girlfriend (if you happened to be homosexual) to provide security, stability, affection, fun, or drama just as much as a boyfriend could?

How about this gem...
I'm not really a flirt, but I am a girl. I'm not a tramp, or a whore, but I do manipulate men when I feel like it. Girls bat their eyelashes, and act like they don't know anything in front of guys they like, or give a little bit of eye contact, but not too much, or a bit of touching. Or being coy. Sure, I do a bit of that.
Now I don't particularly have anything against a little eyelash batting, eye contact, or touching. But... manipulation and acting stupid? I just love how she equates that with being "a girl". Not a flirt, tramp, or whore... but just female.

This one doesn't even need a comment:
Women are definitely home-makers. We're obviously very different from men.
I hope I get married. I want to have a husband and two kids and a nice little life baking pies. I'm quite romantic.
The above quotes were taken from a recent Observer interview that has everyone talking. And by everyone, we mean all the cool ladies of the Internet including bloggers from Dollymix, Feministing, and of course... the most important women of the blogosphere: us.

This isn't the only Duff faux-pas I found online today. Apparently she also recently made two little kids cry because she refused to give them autographs. Now, I can understand wanting a break from your fans... but attention is the price you have to pay for stardom. I don't care what celebrities do/say to their adult fans, because they should be old enough to understand the business and not go all goo-goo over a stupid signature. But kids - you've got to be nice to them - especially someone who's fan-base is predominantly below the age of 18. Just sign the fucking autograph Hilary, they weren't asking for a kidney.

What ever happened to the sweet Lizzie McGuire we all loved?

July 23, 2007

Tyra Banks: Evil Slut?

We're confused by Tyra Banks. She says and does so many contradictory things. We think that she thinks she's doing good things for other women. We think she really does try to be a good role model. We don't think that her attempts are always very successful. But judge for yourself.

  • She had a doctor perform a sonogram on her talk show to prove that her breasts are real

You could argue that Tyra was trying to show women that she didn't alter herself to conform to a standard of beauty, and that she was making a statement about the tendency of people (especially women with other women) to judge, make assumptions, and jump to conclusions about the appearance of others. But at the same time, doesn't it also send out the message that Tyra is somehow superior because she's 'naturally' prettier? What am I supposed to get out of it if I'm a woman who does have implants, or who doesn't but doesn't have naturally model-perfect breasts either?

  • After tabloids caught her in a bathing suit and accused her of getting fat, she made an angry, tearful statement about body image on her talk show and posed in a similar suit for the cover of People magazine

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When some tabloids published photos of Tyra on vacation wearing a bathing suit and looking like she had gained some weight, it set off a frenzy of "Tyra's Fat!" headlines. In response, Tyra appeared on her talk show wearing the same swimsuit she was photographed in. She talked about how the photos were doctored, taken from a bad angle, etc., and then went on to make an emotional statement about body image, self-esteem, and accepting yourself. In the People article, she made the point that many girls and women have told her that they look up to her and like the fact that she isn't as thin as many other models and celebrities, so the flood of criticism of "Tyra's fat body" could negatively impact some of them as well.

We think she was trying to show that it's not such a big deal to gain some weight as you get older, and that being called fat is not exactly the end of the world. Seeing a supermodel getting upset about being judged on her looks probably made some women feel better about their issues by reminding them that everyone has their own insecurities. On the other hand, hearing a supermodel who currently produces a modeling competition crying and getting pissed off about being judged on her looks probably made some women pretty pissed off themselves. Throughout her entire career, Tyra has profited from her looks and from an industry that makes a major contribution towards making women feel bad about themselves. We wouldn't blame anyone if they had a hard time feeling too much sympathy for Tyra for being a victim of a problem that she helped to create.

  • She recreated her cover photo from the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue on its 10th anniversary

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Not too long after the "fat" controversy, Tyra staged a photo shoot to recreate the photo of her that appeared on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition 10 years ago. Apparently she felt the need to announce to the world that she is still sexy and thought that this would be better than your run-of-the-mill press release. She claimed that she was doing it "in honor of Black History Month" since her being the first black woman to appear on the cover was a historic and groundbreaking moment. "It enabled young women of color to realize that they can dream big." Move over Rosa Parks, Tyra Banks is in a tiny bikini! (Okay, we're kidding. Anything that breaks ground and pushes boundaries in the right direction is great, and if it did have a positive effect on some women and girls then that's great too.) But since fabric had to be added to the bikini in order for her to fit into it again, and the final photo ended up looking very airbrushed, we're left wondering exactly what she really hoped to accomplish, especially considering her claims that she has too much self-esteem to care what people think of her body.

  • For a segment on her talk show, she went "undercover" in a fat suit to expose discrimination against overweight people, and then cried about how difficult it was to be treated badly for not being thin and beautiful

Tyra's experiences as a 'fat girl' were apparently very eye-opening for her--she started crying while describing the way she was treated and had to be comforted by the women who were appearing on her show to talk about their own (real and everyday) experiences. But isn't this also pretty patronizing? Do overweight women really need Tyra Banks to validate for them that yes, it is hard to be fat, I wore a fat suit for one day so I would know? But hey, don't worry--maybe someday a plus-sized model will actually make it into the top five of an America's Next Top Model cycle.

  • A recent episode of America's Next Top Model featured a challenge where contestants had to pose as murder victims

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The contestants on the Tyra-produced ANTM were recently given the challenge of 'making death beautiful' by posing as victims of a variety of different crimes, like electrocution, organ theft and decapitation. Hot! We really appreciate this effort, since violence is not nearly glamorized enough in our society. There is absolutely nothing beautiful or sexy about young women being stabbed, drowned, or beaten to death. We think it's enough that the point of the show is already to judge women for not being pretty/sexy/skinny/fierce enough. Does the 'dying to be beautiful' message really need to be so blatant?

If Tyra really wanted to make a difference for other women, couldn't she use her money and fame and influence to try to reform the modeling industry rather than reinforcing the same tired old standards and stereotypes? When she was accused of being fat, couldn't she let her statements about being okay with her body and happy with herself stand, rather than having to run out and prove that she could still fit into her bikini from ten years ago? Talk about a mixed message. Although really, I guess all it proves is that she's human and she does have insecurities and she doesn't want to be thought of as less beautiful than she was before. And that's all okay and normal and you can't really fault her too much for any of it. Hopefully she'll continue to learn from her mistakes and possibly begin to think differently about modeling and standards of beauty now that she's gotten a few glimpses of it from the "other side". We'd love to see what Tyra's up to in ten more years. We're betting she'll have better things to do than try to squeeze herself into a teeny weeny polka dot bikini.*

*I apologize to anyone who now has ''she wore an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini..." stuck in their heads. I know. I hate that song too. And I hate those damn commercials with that dumb bitch eating yogurt on the beach. I'm sorry. If it makes you feel any better, it's stuck in my head now too. Damn it.

July 22, 2007

Rock of Love is tittylicious!

So has anyone else out there watched Rock of Love? Or that is, admitted to watching it? We're ashamed to say it, but this so-bad-it's-good, no wait, it's-still-pretty-bad, but I-still-need-to-watch-it-anyway reality show is one of our new guilty pleasures.

Apparently, after Flavor of Love, Charm School, and I Love New York... VH1 has decided to take a stand for equality and prove that white people can act ridiculous and makes fools of themselves while searching for reality TV "love" too.

It is morbidly fascinating and even though you might not want to see it all, you can't look away. Like a train wreck... a train wreck with lots and lots of silicone. Who knew Bret Michaels (of Poison) was so unintentionally hilarious?

Very rarely will we draw your attention away from Evil Slutopia and towards another blog... but we can't help ourselves this time. No one - not even us - could possibly put it better than ow can you say anything bad about the people who brought us this moment of bliss:

(Hypnotic, aren't they?)

July 20, 2007

Staying Accident-Free Everywhere

S: Don't worry! I am as safe as pie.

Lilith: Pie isn't safe at all. It's high in sugar, high in calories, high in carbohydrates. DANGER!

S: Um... safe as a safe?

Lilith: Safes are very dangerous... Haven't you ever watched Looney Toons? They're almost as dangerous as anvils!

S: Safe as a condom?

Lilith: Um, you know I'm a single mother right?

S: Yeah.

Lilith: So then tell me again how safe a condom is.

S: Okay... safe as abstinence!

Lilith: Abstinence. Now that's safe in theory, but it doesn't really work out so well in practice.

S: Buckle up for safety?

Lilith: Nah, I'm not really into S&M.

S: There's safety in numbers?

Lilith: Or threesomes.

July 15, 2007

some people can be so selfish

One more comic about the most dysfunctional couple ever...

Again this was inspired by allegedly actual events, as told to us by a former friend.

"I love cuddling after sex..."

“Uh... I'll be right back!”

"If I don't cuddle after sex I feel...
you know... all... I don't know..."

"But... we're cuddling."

"I think I'm gonna throw up!"


"Bleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh god...."

“I can’t believe he’s doing this to me!”


 “I can’t believe he’s throwing up after sex with me…
Sex with me repulses him.”

"I must have eaten something bad... goodnight baby."

"But... don’t you want to cuddle with me?”

"I just threw up."

But… we always cuddle after sex…
I… need to cuddle after sex…”

"I think I should just go to sleep, I feel really sick”.


"Hmmph! Fine!"


“God, some people can be so selfish”.


Epilogue: You may recall that something similar happened to one of us once... and we joked about whether bad sex can in fact induce vomiting. However this is not about that. I guess when you're dating a nut case you should never underestimate the importance of post-coital cuddling.

July 12, 2007

Let me touch your face!

They're baaaack!

Ah, another installment of the on-going comic saga of the craziest couple ever.

Again, we'd love to be able to tell you that this story is entirely fictional and any similarities to actual people or events are strictly coincidental. However, that would be a lie, because this comic depicts yet another allegedly real event. Obviously we haven't followed this couple into bed, so this is our version of a actual fight they supposedly had.

Aren't you glad this isn't your relationship?

Let Me Touch Your Face: Another True Story

"I can't believe you said that!"

(sob sob sob)

(cry cry cry)

(Thinking: "I bet he's not even crying").

"Let me touch your face."


"Um... because."


"Stop it!"

"Quit it!"

"Let me touch your face!!"


"Stop it!!"


"I can't believe you wouldn't let me touch your face".

"Okay, fine."

"Here. Touch right here".

"Well, I did feel moisture... maybe he really was crying?")

Thinking: "Nah, he probably just spit in his hand and put that there".


"I can't sleep".

The End