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July 25, 2007

Doing it People-Style

I was spending time with a very cute guy who had a very cute puppy. The puppy was very cute but also very much un-trained. She bit, she scratched, she jumped up, she got jealous, she got territorial, and she weighed 40 lbs. She also had issues with separation anxiety and was accustomed to sleeping in her owner's bed. Yeah.

She was adorable and sweet and fun, but she had a mean streak. She would lick my face in the car and lay her head in my lap, but as soon as we parked and entered the apartment -- Killer Puppy Attack!

Dog trainers often say that the owner must establish an "alpha position" over the dog. That is, the owner is in charge - the leader of the pack. Even though she often misbehaved, I believe this puppy understood that her owner was the alpha-dog and she was to be subordinate to him. On the other hand, I was not so lucky. She viewed me as her subordinate. I was an intruder... coming in to her home and stealing away her owner's attention. She was always sure to put me in my place.

After a while she would accept my presence and allow me to sit on her couch and cease tearing me to shreds for short intervals of time and all would be fine and dandy...


...it came time to go to bed. Instead of curling up next to her owner in bed, she was exiled to the floor. She did not like that. She would bark and cry and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump until he either let her in the bed or locked her out of the bedroom altogether. Upon being exiled to the living room she would bark and cry and bark and cry and bark and cry and scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch at the door until he let her back in, at which point the jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump would begin again.

Needless to say, it was kind of a mood-spoiler. We had no idea what a mood spoiler Killer Puppy could be though, until she got big enough and strong enough to jump and jump and jump and jump and jump and jump up into the bed! There is no other experience as oddly terrifying as having a giant puppy come flying at you in the middle of sex.

(It kind of looks like this. Only with more drool).

Did I already mention that she was a jealous girl? We couldn't even kiss in her presence without her jumping into our laps and licking our faces. Imagine how she reacted to us having sex. The shelter where he adopted her was never quite sure of her breed, but I'm guessing she was part Pit Bull and part Cock Blocker.

We eventually realized through trial and error that if we just let her fall asleep at the foot of the bed, we could fool around on the other side of the bed (it was a King-size so we had a little room to work with) without disturbing her. That is, without her disturbing us. This kind of worked. Except for the fact that it was very easy to "disturb" her and she never wanted to stay at the foot of the bed. She preferred to sleep in one of three places: in between us, immediately next to us, or on my head/neck. I gotta tell you, it is really weird/creepy pushing a dog away from you with your foot while getting fucked. (Yeah, that's right, I did it and I'm not ashamed. Okay, maybe I'm a little ashamed).

It kind of sucks to never have uninterrupted "sex-time". Any of you readers out there who have kids, you probably know what this is like. The only difference is that your kids probably don't bite you or pee in the bed. (Well, actually maybe your kids do do those things). Since every child I've ever known was easily distracted by cookies and toys, I figured it might work on dogs as well. I attempted to win her heart and - more importantly - divert her attention by providing a steady supply of raw hide treats to snack on and chew toys to play with. It worked, but only for a few minutes at a time (which might've been more than enough time for some men but luckily for me, this guy was not cursed with that problem).

Maybe I should have just bought her one of these:

(the "hot doll" doggie sex toy)

I made the mistake of agreeing to pet-sit for a week while he went on vacation. (A vacation that he spent drinking excessively and quite possibly having casual sex with other women... while I was dragged up and down the street by puppy speed racer, but that's okay). That little monster tore up my carpet, scratched the paint off my door, peed on my couch, chewed up a pen which later leaked ink all over my coffee table, bit the eyes off a stuffed animal, shredded several magazines, ate part of a candle (don't worry - she didn't get sick), and left me looking like a domestic abuse victim in need of a lint brush. But in the few days I was alone with her, I made some decent progress toward teaching her three new commands:
  • "Stay"
  • "Off"
  • "Stop that you evil little bitch!"
He eventually had to give up the puppy, because his job kept him away from her for long hours. When he moved into a smaller apartment in the city, he knew it wasn't fair to her anymore so he gave her to his parents (who lived in a nice suburban area and had more time to care for her). The first night that we spent together sans-puppy was great (uninterrupted sex, no waking up early to walk the dog, no bite marks - or um, at least, no canine bite marks) . Except for the sex (which was quite nice), the rest of the time it felt like something was missing. The apartment seemed too quiet... the bed seemed too big... Wouldn't you know it? I missed that goddamn dog! I mean, not unlike her owner, she was pretty cute.

"Love me... you know you want to..."

Upon further consideration, I've realized that no matter how much I missed her (or how great a pet she could have been if trained properly)... her being gone was for the best. A puppy that cute in a major metropolitan city? Talk about a total chick magnet! If she was still in the picture, it's pretty safe to say that he would have soon been too busy to have sex with me at all.

And really, that's the most important thing, isn't it?

Side note:
Prior to writing this blog, I had this following conversation with two evil sluts:

"I think I'm going to write about how hard it is to have sex with a puppy in the bed."

"Because it's much easier to have sex with puppies when they're on the floor?"

"Don't be silly. She would never have sex with a puppy... Only an adult dog."


May said...

I saw a picture of that doggie sex toy in Spin magazine the other day. Too fabulous!

And if it makes you feel better, you're not the only one who had to push a dog away with your foot during sex.

Sooza said...

Hank resides in the safety of her crate, especially when her mommy and daddy need a little privacy.

The cats freakishly know to avoid the bed when we're having husband and wife time. That, or they watch from their hammock in the window...