Some parts of this blog may contain adult-oriented material. (It is NOT porn or erotica, but some of the content is inappropriate for children). If you are under your country's legal age to view such material or find it to be "objectionable", please leave this page now. Reader discretion is advised...but if you couldn't infer from the title that this may be an adult-oriented blog, then you shouldn't be on the Internet at all.

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August 28, 2007

This is all a little too "fruity" for me

Jezebel and Lilith watch The Pick-Up Artist... and then resist the urge to vomit.

Ewwww. Are you watching this?

I'm watching on and off. I had to change it when they were making out with peaches.

Yeah, we need a disclaimer: Tonight's text message commentary will be limited this evening because we're both too grossed out.

Lilith and Jezebel had to reach for the tequila after the peach orgy, so we can't remember the rest of the episode.

We interrupt this blog to wash our eyes out with bleach.

Mystery just said "kino escalate".

How can they get a kiss at the club if they couldn't even get phone numbers last time!?

Obviously because he taught them a bunch of lame buzzwords like "kino" and they spent some quality time caressing produce.

Not really into it tonight... But I do love watching them make fun of Pradeep.

I'm a VIP! I'm a VIP!

Free alcohol!

Is Scott hitting on couples?

He's a "weird ethereal ghostlike robot". No clue what any of them are doing, but I love the Joes anyway.

Jezebel... I think you have a great smile.

And I love your heavy eyelashes.

Oh my God! Check out Kosmo! This girl is nuts.

We have a winner, lol.

I was just thinking that girl only kissed Kosmo cause she couldn't see that ugly ass stripey shirt.

Where did he make up these medallion symbols from?

Magic the gathering cards maybe?

Yay! He saved the Joes!

For a sec I was afraid he was going to choose fucking Pradeep.

What is Brady wearing?

They look like a band of hipster drag pirates.

"Arrrr!" I still need to know what's up with the hat. He's like the Godfather of metrosexuality.

Oh weird that "Matador" thinks it seems prepackaged... maybe because it is!

I think Scott's going home. I hate Pra-dick.

That would suck cause I really think Mystery wanted to ditch Pradeep last week when gay Joe was dumb enough to protect him.

No fucking way!!

Mystery, fuck you and your hat!

He's like the Lacey of this show.

"The Scott is coming". Oh good.

And next week they're all crying over their fakey medallions.

I can't wait to see why they're all crying.

Okay here's a question. Which show is sadder, the Pick-Up Artist or Mission: Man Band?

I can't even watch Man Band.

It's almost like I feel guilty if I don't watch it, lol.

I'm just waiting for Scott Baio is 46... and a Daddy.

The actual Pick-Up Artist Episode 4 Recap courtesy of the VH1 Blog.

Fantasy Celebs

Our favorite guest blogger Adam is back. This time he's tackling the weird trend of celebrity fantasy games. Enjoy!

As a relatively normal guy, I have to say I couldn't care less about the antics of Britney Spears or Paris Hilton. To me this stuff is just taking up valuable news space that could be better used for sports, or world news, or even movie listings. Watching other people screw up their lives just doesn't interest me.

But what if you were to make a game out of it? I'm a big fantasy football fan, so around this time of year my head gets a bit funny to begin with. Earlier this week I heard about sites like FaFaRAZZI and Tabloid Fantasy League that let you draft a team of hot young starlets (or their male counterparts), and compete with your friends to see whose fantasy team of trainwrecks are the most wild, crazy, written about and/or photographed, depending on your league rules. According to Fafarazzi.com, it "works just like fantasy sports leagues - except instead of scores being tallied for homeruns and touchdowns, they're for catfights, divorces and baby bumps!"

This completely changes my reaction to celebrity news. I actually stopped watching the news altogether to avoid the Paris Hilton prison fiasco. Now I realize that it wasn't just a petulant rich girl's attempt to avoid the consequences of her actions. That was a Peyton Manning-esque attempt at breaking the record for most touchdowns in a single season. Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears are workhorses around which you base your whole team. There are even leagues based on our favorite shows like Rock of Love or The Pick-Up Artist, where you pick a contestant and get points when they do something crazy like dumping a drink on someone or touching Mystery's fuzzy hat.

Just think of it! Draft parties, weekly get togethers to read your team's updates and get scores, the emailing, the trashtalking. It's a great way to get guys involved, although forgive us if we whip out our stat sheet in the middle of the show. Maybe this isn't the best time, since football is just around the corner, but I've got fantasy on the brain and I can't help myself. I wonder if Brangelina counts as one draft pick or two?

August 26, 2007

Where do babies come from?

I was talking to a fellow MILF friend of mind and she was concerned because her daughter had asked the question all parents dread. "Where do babies come from?" She was at a loss for how to answer...
I obviously can't tell her the truth. She's only 6 for pete's sake. She's not ready to hear the words penis, vagina, uterus, sperm, lube, doggy-style, flying camel, dirty sanchez, donkey punch, screwnicorn, angry dragon, phantom menance and/or flaming amazon!!

I don't really think six is that young to discuss it... I mean, I was probably around that age or younger when I saw my first nudie magazine (although that could explain why I'm so obsessed with Rock of Love... it was the early exposure to excessive boobies).

I'm one of those parents that is all about honesty, but when you're dealing with a little kid, too much honesty is going to scar their poor little minds forever. So you omit details, but you don't lie. That is my advice to all you MILFs and DILFs (and you know, the ugly parents too)...

Kid: "Where do babies come from?"

Parent: "Babies come from sex".

Kid: "What's sex?"

Parent: "Sex is something grownups do... well, grownups and drunk teenagers... when they're in love... or horny... or need a ride home."

Kid: "What...?"

Parent: "I'll explain more when you're older... Look High School Musical is on!"

Another version of this conversation I've had (this one may not apply to all of you, but the outcome is the same).

Kid: "But how can you have kids if you never got married?"

Parent: "Babies don't come from weddings. They come from sex."

Kid: "What's sex?"

"It's something grownups do together... naked."

Kid: "Naked!? Ew!!!!"

Parent: "Yeah! Gross, right?"

Oh and while we're on the subject of inappropriate conversations to have with your children... Once during a playdate, I was asked why I'm not married.

Kid: "My mom doesn't have a husband".

Kid's Friend: "You don't have a husband?"

Me: "No".

Kid's Friend: "Why not?"

Me: "Well, I..."

Kid: "Because she hates men... she's GAY!"

Me: "No I'm not! You shouldn't say things like that if they're not true. I don't hate men... in fact, I like men so much I can't pick just one."

Kid: "You're gay!!!!"

Me: "There's nothing wrong with being gay, but I'm not gay."

Kid's Friend: "What's gay?"

Me: "Um... ask your mom. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to teach you that."

The last thing I needed was to get yelled at for teaching someone else's kids about homosexuality. Although, I think if we're ever going to end discrimination and homophobia (and racism, sexism, and all the other bad -isms) it has to start with educating our children.

For example: When we play the Game of LIFE at my house... we play it accurately. Or at least as accurately as Milton Bradley allows - unfortunately they don't have any of the real life experiences some of us have. In case you've never played this game (what a sad childhood you must have had), you drive your little plastic car around the board and get things such as a college education, a job, stock certificates, fire insurance... you know... all the fun stuff little kids just love. Certain spaces on the board you had to do, even if you didn't land on them... such as "Pay Day", "Taxes" and "Get Married".

When we play this game... I first give the choice "would you like to get married?" (everyone always says yes, obviously, seeing as it's just a board game... but I don't think it's ever too early to instill my values on the children of tomorrow). Then I give the choice of picking a husband or wife. All this really means is they get to add a pink peg or a blue peg to their little plastic car. Again, pretty meaningless... but who knows, maybe this will make same-sex marriage not seem "weird" or unusual in the future. I contemplated giving an option when landing on "New Baby" (that is, a new blue or pink peg for the backseat of your car): "Keep Baby or Pay $300 for Abortion" but ultimately decided against it. For now.

Maybe this makes me a non-traditional mother, but I don't care. I allow cursing in my home as well and lots of it. Why? Because I fucking said so!

I found a parenting article on the subject and had to roll my eyes at this advice:

When you accidentally curse in front of a small child, there are steps you can take to lessen the blow.

Backtrack — As soon as the offending word is out of your mouth, replace it with another that's likely to catch those little ears. "Peanut butter!" "Scooby-dooby-doo!" "Sugar-booger!" Anything that's going to sound more fun and interesting. Now is not the time for muttering. Say your replacement word with just as much feeling.

It's rhyme time — Damn it, bam it, slam it, glam it. By taking the offending word out of context and burying it in rhymes, you can take the emphasis off the meaning.
What the... sugar-booger? I swear, if anyone - child or adult - ever says "sugar-booger" in my home I will wash their mouths out with soap. Idiotic. Curses are just words. Really. Just Words. We've already written about the words "cunt" and "slut" and why people are so freaked out by them. These words have power only because we give them power. I do not allow curse words, which are - I'll say it again - JUST WORDS, to have that kind of power. I curse a lot. Like a real fucking lot. I'm not going to stop and I'm not going to be a hypocrite and expect kids to follow that bullshit "do as I say, not as I do" crap... or I guess in this case... say as I say... that you should say... not as I... say... oh fuck it.

Anyway, my point is that I'm not going to stop cursing, so if I teach that cursing is "bad"... what impression does that give of me? I teach that curses aren't "bad" words, but just "grown-up" words. I curse a lot, but obviously I wouldn't do it in front of other people's children... or at say, a job interview... or at church. (Okay, actually I would probably curse at church, but I don't actually go to church... thank God... or whoever). They're not words for every time and place... but they do have a time and place.

Basically my rules of cursing are:
  • You have to know what the word means (and I'm more than happy to teach vocabulary lessons when necessary).
  • You are not allowed to teach these words to your friends (even if they already know them - or claim to).
  • You are only allowed to curse in front of certain people. (Mainly this is limited to me, Daddy, and a handful of uncles and family friends. Everyone else is off limits, especially teachers, great-grandmothers, and the parents of friends... unless I specifically say it's okay).
It works really really well. I'll introduce a new word... hear it repeated to me 1,000 times and then... not so much. (Any one who knows me personally may have gotten a "Crappy Birthday" singing voicemail from the little one the week I introduced that new word). When cursing isn't forbidden... there's very little thrill to it. And then when I curse, it's not "ooooh you said _____"; it's not a big deal.

When you make something "taboo" you get two main side effects:
1. They do it anyway, but feel extreme guilt about it and end up becoming maladjusted adults.
2. They do it just because it's taboo - because it's exciting and dangerous and rebellious - and then do it in excess.
I also think I'll end up being one of the "cool" moms who lets the kids drink and stuff underage. (I put "cool" in quotes, because I don't necessarily think that letting your kids drink underage is cool). I don't mean that I'm going to be the one at the liquor store buying them the booze... just that I'd rather get the "I don't have a sober ride home from this party, can you pick me up?" call than a call from the Emergency Room. I just don't want to be one of those parents who is so feared that my kids would rather get in a car with a drunk asshole (or even worse, be a drunk asshole and drive themselves home under the influence) rather than let me find out they were out drinking. I'm not going to lie and say that I never drank under the age of 21... so I'm not going to be a hypocrite and expect today's teenagers to never do it. I don't want my kids to learn that alcohol is "evil", but just to learn to drink responsibly. "Everything In Moderation" and Designated Drivers. I also would never condone illegal drug use... but I'd rather know what my kids are doing than think they're not doing anything.

The same goes for sex. I'd rather give my kids condoms or birth control pills so I know they're protected, than delude myself that they'll be virgins forever. I'll never be like some of those moron parents who think that Sexual Education or getting the HPV vaccine makes kids have sex. They're having sex anyway most likely... but Sex Ed might make it more possible for them to have safe sex. (Although you know our stance on the HPV vaccine - pfft).

I don't think that sex is something that is just for married couples or people who are "in love". Yeah, it's nice when that works out that way... but it's not realistic to think that way or to teach your kids that. I'm not going to disagree with people who have different religious or moral opinions than mine, but I'm also going to remind you all that teenagers are going to do what they're going to do. You can "teach" them all you want, but you have to expect that they're going to make their own decisions. I don't want my children to think that sex is something "dirty" or "naughty" or that if they have sex without being in love that they're "immoral" or even, ahem, "slutty". Sex is awesome and I think everyone should have as much of it as possible.

I wouldn't want my kids to have sex because of peer pressure, but I wouldn't want them not to out of parental guilt. I'm not saying that teenagers should have sex before they're ready or when they're very "young"... but I'm also not so deluded to think that it doesn't happen. The important thing is that they're prepared - mentally, emotionally, and contraceptive-ly (no, that's not a real word).

Which brings us back to "Where do babies come from?" Maybe I'll tell the full truth next year, but for now I'm going to rest easy because of "Naked!? Ew!!!!"

For those of you who want some real advice about talking to your kids about sex... Click Here

August 23, 2007

Google google...

I was looking at our statcounter and am cracking up at the searches people do that lead them to our blog.... We weren't surprised to find that most of them did a search for Gardasil or something related to that... (We knew it was our most popular post, but wow! It's is red hot!)

We were surprised though by the random google searches that brought some of our visitors to us. Here are some of the funnier and more random ones we noticed from the last few days:

"i hate pradeep"

"pradeep sucks"

"rock of love sluts"

"rock of love sexy six"

"buzz bunny in the bed having sex"
[this search led them to the Doing It People Style
entry, no idea what they were actually hoping to find, yikes]

"cunt blog"

"cock talk"

"is your penis big enough
to touch your asshole"

"the pickup artist gay guy"

"mystery pickup artist penis size"

"evil women evil wins movies"

"is tyra banks a slut"

"puking after sex"

"attorney wins endometriosis lawsuit"

"why do women find the word cunt to be offensive"

"slut eye makeup"

"top five slut names"

"Jes rock of love hairstyle"

(These are all real, we swear).

All we can really say at this point is, thanks for stopping by!

August 22, 2007

Brand Spankin' New Blog!

Hey evil sluts!

We at Evil Slutopia agree with our fans (you know, all six of you) that the comic strip deserves its own home. We will still be cross-posting all of the comics over at the Evil Slutopia blog for the time being, but we'd like to introduce our brand new crazy baby...

The title will become clear with time... I guess we could have subtitled it "True Stories From The Most Insane and Annoying Girl Ever" but that seemed a little excessive.

That's her.

Normally, this would be the part where we gave a little disclaimer saying that the stories are entirely fictional and any similarities to actual people or events are strictly coincidental. However, that would be a lie. These comics depicts completely real events (although some of them are simply based on real events, mostly because we weren't actually there to witness all of the actual dialogue).

August 21, 2007

The ESC Coalition Against Pradeep

Jezebel and Lilith watch the Pick-Up Artist... again. Hijinks still do not ensue.

(In case you don't know what we're talking about... The Pick-Up Artist Episode 3 Recap.)

Mystery looks almost normal today.

I almost forgot it was on! Dude, the blond guy is totally gay!

lol... It's not fair that they have to tell the same story to the kids. Whoever goes last is unlucky.

Totally true. You're lucky if you can get them to sit through it once.

I think fat Joe should win.

Me too... I loved Mystery's face when Pradeep was screwing up.

Nooo. Mystery should pick, not let the little girls vote! Ew I hate Pradeep!

Yeah this is retarded.

He sucks! And now "Kosmo with a K" thinks Pradeep is a genius?

I can't imagine living with a jerk like him.

Dude... is he doing that "here is the church here is the steeple" thing? I do not get that gambit at all. Or the term "gambit".

lol... This isn't going to give him a competitive advantage because he's fucking annoying.

Yeah I like how they zoomed in on him when they said "you don't tell a long boring story" lol.

What's up with Mystery's grandpa vest?

I want the old virgin to win!

We may need to do a drinking game for this show too. I wonder if Mystery and Bret Michaels go hat shopping together?

I was just thinking of Rodeo & her thing about "kids love me because of my hats".

You know its all about the children.

Maybe that's why Mystery looked so normal before? He didn't want to scare the kids.

What the fuck is Pradeep wearing!? / What the fuck is Pradeep's shirt all about?

lol, ESP! / haha... ESP.

Oh! ESP again! haha!!

Oh my God! I know that twirl move! Remember that guy at the bar who pulled that on me to get my seat! He learned that from Mystery!

On the plus side, I think we made it all the way to the third episode before a Dungeons & Dragons reference.

I have a feeling the old virgin is going home soon. Even if he does all right he's still twice those girls' ages. Not fair.

Yeah I feel bad for him. I do like both Joes.

PS: Scott Baio sucks. Just for the record.

lol... Oh God. I love how mad they get when the guys try to have a normal conversation instead of rehearsed material.

I know!

"We're all in the furniture business."

Ew! Pradeep is a cockblocker!

Aw, I love little gay Joe.

I knew it'd be one of the Joes. I prefer fat Joe. He reminds me of a guy I'd date... which is... sad... for me.

Okay, my love for gay Joe is on hold because that conversation with Pradeep was total BS.

Off subject - I kinda want to see the The Nanny Diaries but I'm annoyed by that.

I read the book. It was good but kind of depressing, but the movie looks cute.


Totally but I saw it coming. I still can't get over those medallions.

Brady did badly, but I know he stays because I saw him in a later preview at the beginning of the season. Poor Fred is going home.

Yeah you can see it coming. This whole setup isn't really fair to him.

Totally unfair. I'm gonna track him down & buy him a hooker. At least maybe he can use what he learned on older ladies?

Yeah hopefully it'll help Fred because people will recognize him and whatever.

Recognize him as a virgin! "Looks can only get us so far"... but Brady you're good looking so you can stay. BS!

Uh oh... next week is kissing lessons! ew!

Yeah really, I don't know if I'm ready to watch that.

For last week's "text message commentary" of Episode 2 - CLICK HERE

August 20, 2007

Rock of Love Drinking Game!

The closer this series gets to the finale (there are only six sexy ladies left)... the closer we are to... a Rock of Love Marathon! (Come on, you know they're going to do one... and even if they don't, VH1 repeats their shows so often that we're bound to be watching this one for months).

Since the Evil Slut Clique loves bad reality shows like Rock of Love and we love drinking even more...

The Rock of Love Drinking Game

Take a drink every time:

-Bret says that something turns him on (Lacey's musical talent, Erin's total lack of musical talent, the fact that Sam is a fan of his music, the fact that Magdalena has never heard his music, someone's fake plastic breasts, the fake plastic fern in the corner, etc.)

-Bret mentions that he has a hard on

-Heather flashes her breasts

-Rodeo cries...or laughs...or wheezes...or all three at the same time

-you see Mia and wonder, "who the hell is that chick?"

-Lacey tells us that she is a musician

-Sam gets googly-eyed because she dreams of a serious relationship with Bret

-Sam cries because Bret kisses/touches/looks at/stands near/breaths on another girl

-someone mentions making a "connection"

-someone says "I'm really here for love"

-someone accuses someone else of being there for fame or TV

-one of girls talks about how one of the other girls doesn't deserve Bret or isn't right for him

-one of the girls pole dances

-Tiffany says "Don't threaten me with a good time!"

-Tiffany says something incomprehensible

-we're reminded that Heather is a stripper

-Lacey schemes a way to get another girl kicked off

-one of the girls mentions how much they hate Lacey (drink double if it's Jes, triple if the terms "devil", "demon" or "evil bitch from hell" are used)

-Brandi C. calls Bret her "boyfriend"

-someone says the phrase "clown tits" or "circus tits"

-Rodeo mentions "the children"

Heather or Lacey tries to "protect Bret" by telling him shit about the other girls

-Lacey and Dallas fight over killing animals

-Bret gives Brandi M. a new random nickname

-the producers slow down Magdalena's voice to sound even lower than it already is

-one of the girls makes fun of another girl for being too manly (bonus drink if it's Magdalena talking about Rodeo)

-Bret has trouble fitting the VIP pass over someone's huge/ridiculous hairstyle

-Bret mentions that every night is a party when you're on tour

there is mention of the "party" getting started

-Kristia and Brandi C. talk about being "best friends"

-Lacey... is annoying

-someone mentions Erin's "boyfriend" or "fiance"

-someone with huge fake breasts makes fun of someone else for having huge fake breasts

-someone references "Every Rose Has Its Thorn", or you hear it playing in the background

-Bret's hair looks ridiculous

-Bret's outfit looks ridiculous

(Who are we kidding with this? We're all going to die of alcohol poisoning.)

We'd like to give a very special thank you Tess, Shar, the Bearded Lady, verlybabe, raz and the rest of the evil sluts from our message board who helped contribute to this game. We'd also like to thank Rich Juzwiak, the writer of the VH1 Celebreality blog. We love him. More than he could ever know. His blogs are as entertaining than the shows themselves. Maybe more so.

August 19, 2007

Dave Attell Makes Me Talk About Cock...

So some of the ESC recently went to a comedy club and was lucky enough to see Dave Attell (from Comedy Central's Insomniac) and also a bunch of other comedians who were funny, but who cares about them, DAVE ATTELL!!! He was on last (of course) so by the time it was his turn I was already hammered. And what better way to watch Dave Attell than drunk, right?

He was completely hilarious. At one point he brought up the topic of penis size and asks the audience "Ladies, does penis size really matter?" (or something like that, I'm paraphrasing because who can remember exactly what he said... I was drunk!) Anyway, being the drunk asshole that I am, I shouted out "YES!" He looked right at me and said "So how big is big?" I didn't have an answer to that. How big is big? I told him (and the entire audience, shame) that I didn't know because "I've never measured... I don't whip out the ruler or anything". I turned to the people sitting next to me, one of whom was a huge black guy, and he says, "Don't look at him, I'm not asking him, we know he has a big dick!"

After my embarrassment died down (and I had a few more drinks)... I started to wonder, how big is big? I don't know why I shouted out "YES!" (well, I know why, it was the alcohol) because penis size doesn't really matter to me that much. I'll be honest... I probably haven't had that much experience with so-called "big" penises. I've been around a lot of penises in my day, but I think they were probably, for the most part, average. Or were they?

According to About.com (because they know everything):
Average penis length (flaccid/not erect): from 3.4 inches to 3.7 inches
Average penis length (erect): from 5.1 inches to 5.7 inches
Average penis girth (circumference when erect): from 3.5 inches to 3.9 inches
And did you know that there is actually something called a "micropenis"? How mean (but cute) is that name? That's the actual clinical term!! As if they didn't feel bad enough.

I know that whole saying "it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" and that's usually true. (Size isn't the only thing that matters, but yes, it usually does matter somewhat). I've been told by a lot of women that it's not the length of the penis that matters, but the width/girth... but if you're really lacking in length then that's not too good either. And yes there is such a thing as too big, especially if you're into giving blow jobs (which I am)... but how many men out there really have the problem of being too big?

I have never measured the penis of a man I've slept with. Although I'm sure they have, I'm not about to start calling up every guy I've ever fucked just to ask them... (especially since I don't know all of their phone numbers... or, um... names).

So I ask you, loyal Evil Slutopia readers (you know, all six of you)... what is "big" and what is "not big enough" and what is "too big"? Inquiring minds want to know. No, they need to know.

EDITED TO ADD: Yeah, we realize we're totally exploiting Dave Attell's name to get you to read this. Shameless, just shameless.

August 18, 2007

Dumb Bitch: Fun With Racism

Dumb Bitch Parade #6

Dumb Bitch:
I love your outfit! You know, you guys look so great in bright colors.

H: Ummm...

So close to being a compliment, and yet so very, very far. The sad thing about being a dumb bitch is that this girl has no idea why a generalization like 'all black people look great in bright colors' could ever be considered offensive. But we get it.

It would be like us saying 'all dumb bitches have fake tits and bad dye jobs', when we know that's really an exaggeration and not 100% true, unless of course you're talking about the girls in the Rock of Love house.

August 14, 2007

you're not a special snowflake!

Watching the Pick-Up Artist officially makes me feel dirty, lol.

Me too, lol. Oh god... "Kosmo with a K" geez.

Lol, come on, that's totally money. The captions are great... "loves musical theater" "held back by cynicism".

Yeah I liked the "Not Alvaro" caption, lol.

Pradeep: "puts himself on a pedestal" lol! Fuck. I'm officially sucked in by this dumbass show.

I officially want Spoon to win. He's precious.

I'm sorry, but what the fuck is with the hat? And the medallions? He's like Criss Angel Mindfreak meets a drag queen meets a Hot Topic whiny emo goth teenager.

Wait... did he just say "you're not a special snowflake"?

Hahaha! Yes he did. Goddammit, Spoon IS a special snowflake! Aw, I want them all to stay...

Wait... what!? Noooooo! Why? Okay I guess Spoon stays a virgin. Coward. But I'm glad the old guy has a chance to stay. He needs it.

Officially a sucky ending. And next week they ALL start wearing stupid hats.

Is that a requirement? And dude, is that lipmark a tattoo or what?

I really hope it's not a tattoo. But the silly hat thing would be helpful for identification, lol.

And I think this text convo is our blog entry for tomorrow.

In case you don't know what we're talking about:
The Pick-Up Artist, Episode 2 Recap

August 12, 2007

The Pickup Artist

Okay, I don't know how many of you out there have caught the new VH1 show - part of it's stellar non-musical reality TV programming that we've come to love - called The Pick-up Artist. (Sadly, it has nothing to do with the Robert Downey Jr. movie of the same name and yes, I realize I just aged myself by making a reference no one born later than 1983 could ever get).

As a woman (or really, as a human being) I find the whole premise of the show offensive to begin with. But hey, I love me some bad reality TV. So when I saw commercials for this show (while watching Scott Baio is 45... and Single, oh the shame) I admit I was intrigued. Mostly because I can't imagine the star, Mystery, could ever be a "master pick up artist" (or any kind of pick-up artist for that matter).

Mystery is scary. He wears more makeup and jewelry than I do. I'm serious, he is crazily over-accessorized. What was with the goggles? Are we supposed to believe that while he's not hitting on chicks and/or teaching young men to do the same... he's a part-time pilot? He also seems to have a hat fetish, which is a shame because unlike most of the men who keep their heads covered to hide the fact that they're balding (ex. Bret Michaels... allegedly!) he has a gorgeous head of hair. I mean, really. I need to know what kind of conditioner he uses. Is it Pantene? I need to get some for myself because my hair doesn't have half the shine and body that his does.

Anyway... his hair aside, even though I'm not all about looks... I would never sleep with someone who looked or dressed like he does. And I have really low standards. Any guy I've ever dated will prove that.

Also I don't get the name. Why he is so mysterious? What is the mystery? Is it "how can a guy who looks so much like a woman pick up chicks?" The name even has a kind of drag queen vibe to it... like "Miss Understood".. I guess the way he dresses, he almost is like a drag queen. I guess you could say he's a male impersonator? Or, um a man trapped in the body of a... um... stylish man? I don't know...

Anyway, Mystery has two sidekicks (who we're supposed to believe are former students of his) "Matador" and "J-Dog". Again, where are they getting these nicknames from? Did Flavor Flav give them those names on his show? Matador's name obviously comes from his success with um... bulls? Isn't that kind of gay? Seeing as bulls are male... so wouldn't "Cowboy" be more appropriate. (Actually scratch that idea, that sounds even gayer. Almost like, Village People gay). Where's Rodeo when you need her? Also, every time I say his name in my head I'm shouting in it a Spanish accent: "Mah-tah-doooooor!"

J-Dog on the hand (who clearly didn't get the memo about the "double-g" thing) has kind of a punk Pepe Le Pew thing happening with his hair. I can just imagine his original lessons with Mystery, being told "you need something edgy to make you stand out. I know! Let's paint some stripes in your hair! Yeah! Also... can you fake a British accent?"

Truth be told, if Mystery, Matador or J-Dog came up to me at a bar, I'd be so turned off and freaked out that I'd probably run away screaming. (Okay, maybe I wouldn't literally run away screaming. I'd probably let them buy me a drink and then I'd calmly walk away while rolling my eyes and then go talk shit about them in the ladies room).

Of the contestants (yeah did I forget to mention that if they don't "learn" well enough they get eliminated and sent home one by one, oh don't worry, these guys are used to rejection) only a few stand out enough for me to make fun of... There's a slightly pudgy Asian guy who is adorably clueless about women. At one point while at the bar he says to a girl "I'm just not good at talking". His name is Spoon. Yeah, I don't get it either. My mother watched a few minutes of the show with me and has decided that she wants Spoon to win... and also date me.
"Why can't you bring home a nice guy like that?"

"Um... you want me to bring home a chubby Asian guy with glasses and a teddy bear t-shirt... who is on a
reality show?"
The rest of the cast is a handful of stereotypes... the typical gawky nerd with glasses... the "old" guy (a 45-year-old virgin, aw)... the chubby guy... the "women think I'm gay" guy... etc. There are a handful of guys who if I saw them in a bar, I would actually find more attractive than the so-called experts on the show. In fact, I'm so turned off by the cockiness of Mystery, Matador and J-Dog that I'd be more likely to go for one of the lovable "losers" in a heartbeat. (There was a guy one time who talked me up at the bar with stories of how he used to wet the bed as a child... and I actually ended up dating him briefly, so yeah, I do have low standards). None of guys on the show seem that hopeless except for the fact that they don't know how to talk to women... or people... or animals... or inanimate objects.

At one point during the show, Mystery sends the guys off into a "real bar" with "real women" who "aren't paid actresses" (okay, sure) to test how pathetic they actually are... They were all pretty pathetic.

Whoever wins at the end of the show gets to be Mystery's new ultimate master pick-up artist and work with him and Matador and J-Dog. Now, no matter how well they do in the "contest" you just know the new ultimate master pick up artist isn't going to be the old guy or the fat guy... not to be mean, but can you really see them hanging out with Mystery and Matador at a club? It's kind of how you knew Bret Michaels wasn't going to pick a black chick on Rock of Love, but he kept Dallas around for two whole episodes just to prove that he has nothing against black chicks. But just to ensure that it wouldn't be a black chick, they cast the most volatile black chick in the world. So let's just say that my money's on a big-breasted blonde winning, but I digress.

It's just not even fair for a 45 year old guy who's slightly balding to compete with the other guys and pick up women in their 20s at a bar like the younger guys. It's just not a fair playing ground. He could probably get some serious tail with a 35-55 crowd but with the under-30 women he's just "that creepy old guy talking to me at the bar".

Overall, this show just about broke my heart. I felt so bad for these guys. Not because they're "ugly" or "awkward" or "nerdy" or whatever... just because they were so scared and so sad when they got rejected. I actually felt guilty about every guy I ever rejected in a bar, while watching this show... Well, okay, not every one. Not the ones who were assholes... just the hopelessly clueless dorky ones. I feel so terrible now, looking back!! It almost makes me feel bad about every guy I made fun of in Dumb Things Guys Say. (Almost. But don't worry, Dumb Things Guys Say will never die).

I get that any guy can meet women if he's confident, etc but I think if Mystery, Matador or J-Dog were ugly it'd be a whole different thing. "Game" can't be everything. I think at least part of what's going on in that bar is that the chicks would rather talk to the hot guy than the short, fat, ugly, and/or old guy. Even if he is wearing a furry top hat (what the fuck was up with that? - he looks like that chick from 4 Non Blondes - uh oh, did I just age myself again with that reference? Oh well).

I also want to say for the record, that I felt that showing a clip of two dudes (the chubby one and the "not gay" one) bending over in Speedos at the pool was a tad unnecessary. The show should have had a parental guidance warning for Gratuitous Speedo.

At the end of the episode, Mystery tells the guys, "Who you are today dies here. Tomorrow the education begins". Wow, that was heavy. But why didn't they get to have a kick ass Native American ritual like the guys from Mission: Man Band?

This show should be called Mission: Man Whore.

August 10, 2007

Legal Triumphs of the Week

A.K.A. "Really Bad Celebrity Gossip"

~Hope for the Children of Britney Spears?: Kevin Federline is requesting "primary physical custody" of their two kids. (The ex-couple currently shares joint custody). All I can say about this is that it's really really sad when you have to choose between Britney and K-Fed on who is a better parent and your answer is K-Fed.

~J-Lo Wins Money... That She Doesn't Need: An arbiter awarded Jennifer Lopez exactly $544,814.21 over the book that ex-husband #1 Ojani Noa wrote about her. Apparently the book was filled with all sorts of Jenny Sex Scandals including "multiple duplicitous sexual affairs" (a direct quote, which I have requoted merely because it makes me giggle... duplicitous!) Now why was she able to win this lawsuit? Because Noa, genius that he is, had signed a confidentiality clause in 2005 (I guess if I were her, I'd need my hubbies to sign one too... or even if I wasn't her really). Now I don't blame her for wanting her privacy, but is a rich superstar like her really going to take all that money from a former restaurateur/failed actor whose only claim to fame is that he was once "Mr. Lopez"? (Note: apparently this lawsuit was settled in April, but the total amount of the award wasn't uncovered until recently).

~Other Rich People Want More Money: Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, and Nia Vardalos are suing one of their fellow producers of My Big Fat Greek Wedding for unreceived shares of the film's profits. Okay, maybe Nia Vardalos could use the money - she is hilariously funny by the way and I don't care what the critics said, I loved Connie And Carla - but is Mr. Oscar, Tom Hanks really hurting for a buck these days?

~Toni Braxton Could Probably Use Some Cash Though: Apparently the check used to pay a costume designer from her Vegas show was returned for insufficient funds and Toni has yet to pay him back. He says the check bounced because Liberty Entertainment Inc. put a stop-payment on it. So he's suing them and the recently bankrupt singer for $15,000 in compensation plus (I love this part) unspecified damages.

~Anna Nicole Boob Job Video Kept Under Wraps: Just when you finally thought they were going to let Anna Nicole Smith rest in peace, a judge has issued a temporary restraining order to keep her former plastic surgeon from distributing a tape of a her 1994 breast-augmentation surgery. What the --? Words... fail... me.

~Busta Rhymes Kicked Somebody's Ass... Again: The rapper is being sued by a Roberto LeBron, 20, of the Bronx. He claims that he was beat up by Busta last summer while bodyguards watched and treated for a concussion, split lip and injured wrist. This isn't Busta's first brush with the law... he's also facing charges for assaulting his former driver last Christmas and was arrested in February and May for driving violations. He also declined to cooperate regarding the unsolved 2006 shooting of his bodyguard, Israel Ramirez.

~Madonna Wayne Gacy Sues Marilyn Manson: Marilyn Manson's former keyboardist (né Stephen Bier) says he is owed twenty million in shared profits over a period of almost twenty years. The part of this lawsuit that is hilarious to me, is Bier's reported claims of what Manson actually spent the band's profits on... In addition to the usual house, lavish wedding (to burlesque performer Dita von Teese) and drug treatment that most rock stars splurge on, he alleges that he also spent money on Nazi paraphernalia (including coat hangers used by Hitler), African masks made of human skin, and the skeletons of both a 17th century male in a wheelchair and a four-year-old Chinese girl. Manson's response is true awesomeness:
"The fact that he's claiming that I've treated him unfairly, financially, is really ridiculous. And I would never spend my money on a Chinese girl skeleton. That would be crossing the line. It's a Chinese boy, for the record."

~Continued Controversy of the O.J. Book That Never Was: A judge has awarded sole publishing rights to O.J. Simpson's hypothetical tell-all If I Did It (a.k.a. The Worst But Best Book Idea Ever) to the family of murder victim Ron Goldman. The family of Nicole Brown Simpson will get a portion of the first 10 percent of the book's grosses (if there ever are any). To add insult to injury (er, um, murder)... the judge also determined that O.J. had set up a bogus company to fraudulently hide the money he received from HarperCollins for the book and interview deal. The Goldmans' attorney has stated that they planned to rename the book to Confessions of a Double Murderer. Nicole's sister Denise Brown has said, "This book should not be published".

~Sexual Assault at the Playboy Mansion?: Well it was bound to happen eventually. The LAPD isn't releasing any information except that there was a "possible sexual assault" at one of Hugh Hefner's pajama parties (the annual "Midsummer Night's Dream" bash) over the weekend. Hmm.

~Jessica Alba Got Herpes From Derek Jeter: Jessica Alba Got HERPES From Derek Jeter! That's probably the best celebrity gossip headline... well, ever. Straight to the point and info-packed. Even though this isn't technically a legal issue, I'm sure there will be defamation suits filed soon enough. Apparently this claim comes from a former assistant of Jessica's ex (Cash Warren, don't worry about not recognizing his name, he's nobody). I am admittedly way way too giddy and thrilled about this "outbreaking news".

I feel dirty now. Dirty and excited!

August 9, 2007

Lance Bass: Evil Slut?

Last week, Lance Bass released (via myspace, of course) the cover of his upcoming memoir, Out of Sync. This is awesome for two reasons.

  1. Lance Bass wrote a memoir.
  2. He titled it Out of Sync. Come on people, this is genius.

So we found ourselves asking the question that we always ask. Is Lance an evil slut? Judge for yourself.

~He came out on the cover of People magazine.

In the article, he said that he didn't want to come out during his *NSYNC days because he was afraid that the attention could negatively impact the group and his band mates. "The thing is, I’m not ashamed – that’s the one thing I want to say," he explains of his decision to come out. "I don't think it's wrong, I'm not devastated going through this. I'm more liberated and happy than I’ve been my whole life. I'm just happy."

Is "Lance Bass: I'm Gay" better than "Tyra Banks: You Call This Fat?" You make the call.

~He came really, really close to getting to go into space. Lance is apparently still pursuing his astronaut dreams, and in the meantime he's involved with programs that encourage kids to study math and science to prepare them for possible future space careers. There's really nothing we can add to that, except to say beat that, Nick Carter!

~He's dated some hotter guys than we have. Kathy Griffin on Lance's ex-boyfriend, Reichen Lehmkuhl: "He's one of these gay guys that's so hot, that chicks would fuck him. They'd be like 'I don't care where his dick's been.' He's so hot."

~He wrote an entry in his myspace blog celebrating the anniversary of his coming out and encouraging others to do the same.

Happy Anniversary!!!!!....

TO ME!!!!!!!

So it was a year ago that I decided to let the world know who I really am... and I swear it has been the most amazing experience. Scary at times , but in the end the best thing I have ever done. I want to thank everyone that has been so supportive and showing that this world has and will continue to change in the right direction. With the election coming up, it is even more important that we stand up for what we believe in and be heard. Enviroment, war, civil rights, education.... the list goes on and on. I encourage everyone to learn more this year about ALL the issues that need attention. Some of you will actively be heard and support some issues, and others will just be educated--- in the end all that matters is we all are going to have a hand in changing this world for the better!

Also as an Anniversary gift for me ...think about doing this...

If you are having trouble being yourself , and are scared to tell someone you are gay--- find that loyal friend, family member, or even hotline and tell someone. All it takes is to tell one person and the ball starts rolling. You will get great advice and and be so much happier. Or, if you have always wanted to ask that family member or friend if they were gay.. do it now.... in a very positive and private way , tell them it is ok and you will always be there no matter what. Sometimes its easier for someone to just flat out ask you. To build the courage to say it sometimes takes years.

It's 2007 people , there is no reason we should not be exactly who we want to be- sexual preference, profession, religion, etc. Just respect the fact that everyone is different and live your own lives the way you want! It's good to be alive and we can do and achieve anything we want!

So go do something positive, nice, fun, or just laugh... it doesnt affect just you .. it catches on!

Just our opinion, but we're going to take this anniversary announcement over Tyra's announcement of the anniversary of the day she scored a victory for civil rights by wearing a really tiny swimsuit. It just strikes us as a little bit more...real. (And we promise that not all of these evil slut profiles will devolve into us taking shots at Tyra Banks. Just some of them.)

~He is not appearing on Mission: Man Band, Lance of Love, Lance Bass is 28...and Gay, or any other reality shows. (But we're not going to lie, we're glad someone is appearing on shows like that, because we love them.) Although Lance of Love would make a decent name if he ever decides to release a sex tape or anything like that. Better than something more obvious, like Bass Master. I don't know what I'm talking about, forget this.

~Did we mention that he wrote a book called Out of Sync?

We're totally putting this book onto our reading list, right before Full Frontal Feminism but maybe right after My First Five Husbands..And the Ones Who Got Away by Rue McClanahan from Golden Girls. Priorities.

When we started writing this our opinion of Lance was pretty neutral, but now we think we have to agree with Kathy Griffin--he's a "power gay" and we totally want to be pals with him. (And maybe go see him in Hairspray too.) We also bet he could still fit into one of his swimsuits from 10 years ago, but you don't see him out there making a big deal about it. And that's what makes him cool.

Okay, that was the last Tyra joke, we swear. We love you, Tyra! Please don't send a bunch of skinny hungry angry models to have us killed. Kisses!

August 8, 2007

Totally Not News

Things I learned today while reading Health magazine...

~Good News: Remember all that talk about the FDA cutting a huge chunk of the Office of Women's Health budget? Apparently certain kick ass members of Congress (including Hillary Clinton) got wind of the idea and said, "No Way". I guess it worked because so far the word is that they get to keep their full $4 million budget.

~Bad News: The Union Pacific Railroad Company decided to stop covering birth control under its health insurance plan. And then a federal appeals court said that was A-Okay! Why? Because they don't cover other baby-preventing means such as condoms or vasectomies. (However, it does cover Viagra, so explain that). The thing that bothers me the most, is that oral contraceptives are not always used to prevent pregnancy. Sometimes they are used to regulate your cycle, to help with severe PMS or PMDD symptoms, to clear up acne, to prevent ovarian cancer, to treat endometriosis, etc. Comparing it to "condoms" is just inaccurate and it should be covered no matter what you're using it for. Grr.

~Racial News: According to an Indiana University study, Black women statistically used to have better body images than Caucasian women, but are now starting to face more "pressure to fit thin standards of beauty often portrayed by white models". I wonder if Tyra Banks has anything to do with this phenomenon.

~Icky News: The R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Company decided to find a really "awesome" way to launch their new Camel No. 9 cigarettes (aimed at women) in New York. They had a "smoking spa" at a bar where women were served cigarettes and martinis while getting manicures and blow jobs (er, blow dries). I hope they also gave them deodorizing, teeth whitening and cancer screenings... because smoking cigarettes is kind of the "anti-spa" and very unattractive.

~Totally Not News: Richard Harris, Ph D, psychology professor of Kansas State University reports that "even though men often resistfilms marketed to women, they usually enjoy the movie once they're at the multiplex". Gee. I'm really glad someone was looking into that important issue.

~Unbelievable News: According to some dude from the University of Arkansas, "venting" your anger makes it worse. So instead of letting it out and getting it out of your system, he recommends taking a "time out". I refuse to believe this. I am a huuuuge supporter of the "therapeutic rant" and it works for me. In fact, I feel much better already!

August 7, 2007

Status: Married

So, I found out yesterday that my ex-boyfriend (my first love, the guy I lost my virginity to, etc.) got married a few weeks ago. We haven't spoken in a couple of years, so how did I find this out? Through myspace, of course. I actually wasn't doing any myspace stalking in this case, and you know I'd admit it if I was, because it's a hobby that we all enjoy. I got a message from an old high school friend that just said "your ex got married! LOL!!"

So how did I react? Well, I just took a moment to reflect on my relationship with him, all of the good and bad times we had together, and how I wish him well in the future. Then I signed off and went on about my day.

Yeah, right. Actually, I went straight to his profile to look at the wedding pictures. I wasn't sure how I would react when I saw them. Would I be sad, or jealous, or have one of those great quarter-life crisis moments where you have a temporary freakout thinking about how people you went to school with are getting married and having kids?

So I looked at them. And all I felt was...relieved. That I wasn't in them, that they didn't reflect my life, that I wasn't stuck with such a crazy mother-in-law. Am I still allowed to be proud of myself for my calm and relatively mature reaction even though I just went for the cheap mother-in-law joke? I'm not sure. But I think I am allowed to be happy that it doesn't bother me, because it's not where I want to be right now. Besides, if that were me I might miss out on the chance to someday appear with Lilith and the girls on The Evil Slut Clique is 45...and Single.

Don't worry, I'm only kidding. If we did appear on a reality show, it would have to be one where we had a house full of guys competing for us by doing ridiculous challenges for our amusement, not one where a life coach tells us to stop having sex. We have our priorities in order.