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August 10, 2007

Legal Triumphs of the Week

A.K.A. "Really Bad Celebrity Gossip"

~Hope for the Children of Britney Spears?: Kevin Federline is requesting "primary physical custody" of their two kids. (The ex-couple currently shares joint custody). All I can say about this is that it's really really sad when you have to choose between Britney and K-Fed on who is a better parent and your answer is K-Fed.

~J-Lo Wins Money... That She Doesn't Need: An arbiter awarded Jennifer Lopez exactly $544,814.21 over the book that ex-husband #1 Ojani Noa wrote about her. Apparently the book was filled with all sorts of Jenny Sex Scandals including "multiple duplicitous sexual affairs" (a direct quote, which I have requoted merely because it makes me giggle... duplicitous!) Now why was she able to win this lawsuit? Because Noa, genius that he is, had signed a confidentiality clause in 2005 (I guess if I were her, I'd need my hubbies to sign one too... or even if I wasn't her really). Now I don't blame her for wanting her privacy, but is a rich superstar like her really going to take all that money from a former restaurateur/failed actor whose only claim to fame is that he was once "Mr. Lopez"? (Note: apparently this lawsuit was settled in April, but the total amount of the award wasn't uncovered until recently).

~Other Rich People Want More Money: Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, and Nia Vardalos are suing one of their fellow producers of My Big Fat Greek Wedding for unreceived shares of the film's profits. Okay, maybe Nia Vardalos could use the money - she is hilariously funny by the way and I don't care what the critics said, I loved Connie And Carla - but is Mr. Oscar, Tom Hanks really hurting for a buck these days?

~Toni Braxton Could Probably Use Some Cash Though: Apparently the check used to pay a costume designer from her Vegas show was returned for insufficient funds and Toni has yet to pay him back. He says the check bounced because Liberty Entertainment Inc. put a stop-payment on it. So he's suing them and the recently bankrupt singer for $15,000 in compensation plus (I love this part) unspecified damages.

~Anna Nicole Boob Job Video Kept Under Wraps: Just when you finally thought they were going to let Anna Nicole Smith rest in peace, a judge has issued a temporary restraining order to keep her former plastic surgeon from distributing a tape of a her 1994 breast-augmentation surgery. What the --? Words... fail... me.

~Busta Rhymes Kicked Somebody's Ass... Again: The rapper is being sued by a Roberto LeBron, 20, of the Bronx. He claims that he was beat up by Busta last summer while bodyguards watched and treated for a concussion, split lip and injured wrist. This isn't Busta's first brush with the law... he's also facing charges for assaulting his former driver last Christmas and was arrested in February and May for driving violations. He also declined to cooperate regarding the unsolved 2006 shooting of his bodyguard, Israel Ramirez.

~Madonna Wayne Gacy Sues Marilyn Manson: Marilyn Manson's former keyboardist (né Stephen Bier) says he is owed twenty million in shared profits over a period of almost twenty years. The part of this lawsuit that is hilarious to me, is Bier's reported claims of what Manson actually spent the band's profits on... In addition to the usual house, lavish wedding (to burlesque performer Dita von Teese) and drug treatment that most rock stars splurge on, he alleges that he also spent money on Nazi paraphernalia (including coat hangers used by Hitler), African masks made of human skin, and the skeletons of both a 17th century male in a wheelchair and a four-year-old Chinese girl. Manson's response is true awesomeness:
"The fact that he's claiming that I've treated him unfairly, financially, is really ridiculous. And I would never spend my money on a Chinese girl skeleton. That would be crossing the line. It's a Chinese boy, for the record."

~Continued Controversy of the O.J. Book That Never Was: A judge has awarded sole publishing rights to O.J. Simpson's hypothetical tell-all If I Did It (a.k.a. The Worst But Best Book Idea Ever) to the family of murder victim Ron Goldman. The family of Nicole Brown Simpson will get a portion of the first 10 percent of the book's grosses (if there ever are any). To add insult to injury (er, um, murder)... the judge also determined that O.J. had set up a bogus company to fraudulently hide the money he received from HarperCollins for the book and interview deal. The Goldmans' attorney has stated that they planned to rename the book to Confessions of a Double Murderer. Nicole's sister Denise Brown has said, "This book should not be published".

~Sexual Assault at the Playboy Mansion?: Well it was bound to happen eventually. The LAPD isn't releasing any information except that there was a "possible sexual assault" at one of Hugh Hefner's pajama parties (the annual "Midsummer Night's Dream" bash) over the weekend. Hmm.

~Jessica Alba Got Herpes From Derek Jeter: Jessica Alba Got HERPES From Derek Jeter! That's probably the best celebrity gossip headline... well, ever. Straight to the point and info-packed. Even though this isn't technically a legal issue, I'm sure there will be defamation suits filed soon enough. Apparently this claim comes from a former assistant of Jessica's ex (Cash Warren, don't worry about not recognizing his name, he's nobody). I am admittedly way way too giddy and thrilled about this "outbreaking news".

I feel dirty now. Dirty and excited!

1 comment:

Meeky P. said...

So the Alba Demon may be infected! Is it wrong that I am pleased with this???