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August 19, 2007

Dave Attell Makes Me Talk About Cock...

So some of the ESC recently went to a comedy club and was lucky enough to see Dave Attell (from Comedy Central's Insomniac) and also a bunch of other comedians who were funny, but who cares about them, DAVE ATTELL!!! He was on last (of course) so by the time it was his turn I was already hammered. And what better way to watch Dave Attell than drunk, right?

He was completely hilarious. At one point he brought up the topic of penis size and asks the audience "Ladies, does penis size really matter?" (or something like that, I'm paraphrasing because who can remember exactly what he said... I was drunk!) Anyway, being the drunk asshole that I am, I shouted out "YES!" He looked right at me and said "So how big is big?" I didn't have an answer to that. How big is big? I told him (and the entire audience, shame) that I didn't know because "I've never measured... I don't whip out the ruler or anything". I turned to the people sitting next to me, one of whom was a huge black guy, and he says, "Don't look at him, I'm not asking him, we know he has a big dick!"

After my embarrassment died down (and I had a few more drinks)... I started to wonder, how big is big? I don't know why I shouted out "YES!" (well, I know why, it was the alcohol) because penis size doesn't really matter to me that much. I'll be honest... I probably haven't had that much experience with so-called "big" penises. I've been around a lot of penises in my day, but I think they were probably, for the most part, average. Or were they?

According to About.com (because they know everything):
Average penis length (flaccid/not erect): from 3.4 inches to 3.7 inches
Average penis length (erect): from 5.1 inches to 5.7 inches
Average penis girth (circumference when erect): from 3.5 inches to 3.9 inches
And did you know that there is actually something called a "micropenis"? How mean (but cute) is that name? That's the actual clinical term!! As if they didn't feel bad enough.

I know that whole saying "it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" and that's usually true. (Size isn't the only thing that matters, but yes, it usually does matter somewhat). I've been told by a lot of women that it's not the length of the penis that matters, but the width/girth... but if you're really lacking in length then that's not too good either. And yes there is such a thing as too big, especially if you're into giving blow jobs (which I am)... but how many men out there really have the problem of being too big?

I have never measured the penis of a man I've slept with. Although I'm sure they have, I'm not about to start calling up every guy I've ever fucked just to ask them... (especially since I don't know all of their phone numbers... or, um... names).

So I ask you, loyal Evil Slutopia readers (you know, all six of you)... what is "big" and what is "not big enough" and what is "too big"? Inquiring minds want to know. No, they need to know.


EDITED TO ADD: Yeah, we realize we're totally exploiting Dave Attell's name to get you to read this. Shameless, just shameless.

4 comments:

Major said...

Everything matters - to a degree.
Too big depends on what you are doing with it. If you are running high hurdles avaerage might be too big. If you are trying to run in a three-legged race 10 inches is too small.

If you need extra storage space a boyfriend with a real fat 8 inch night stick will help you create a small closet between your legs but, mostly it gets filled with air and you spend the next day with pussifartitis. This is definately a downer unless you are a lead soloist in a kazoo band. Why is it guys with the big hard wood always want to knock on the back door? A friend of mine slept with a guy with thumb sized hard on and she says he was the first guy to make her cum. Her regular boyfriend had a penis they modeled the MagLight Flashlight after.

If you are in tune with your body and you are grooving with your partner good things should happen no matter what.

Frank said...

Hahaha!! I love the comment by major, it seriously made me laugh out loud at work (maybe I shouldn't be reading a blog about penis size at work, but fuck it).

I know I've never had any complaints about my penis size, but I have had many compliments on my performance. You work with what you've got, and you gotta know how to work it well. You've gotta rock their world. It's always my first priority to try to make the girl cum first...after all, I know I will soon enough.

I know I don't have a huge cock...I've measured, what guy hasn't? But I know how to use it.

May said...

Well... too big would be the guy who had about a foot long and no idea how to use it (ouch!), too small would be the guy whose thumb and dick were the same size, and just right would be 7-8 inches with nice girth and the know-how to use it! :)

Meeky P. said...

Anything more than 8 inches is just too big! At least it is for me. No, I don't pull out the ruler and measure, but I take a VERY good visual assessment.

And since we're on the topic of penis size, why is it that the little skinny guys have the monsters and the big guys have the short and stubby? Is that God's way of evening things out? I don't understand...