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August 2, 2007


So I watched the View today and I didn't burst into flames! Now I normally wouldn't watch the View, except that I heard my beloved Chelsea Handler was going to be guest hosting. Well Chelsea did a lovely job (when she was allowed to get a word in, which wasn't often) and was scathingly funny as usual. The rest of those dumb bitches though... Well to put it nicely, let's just say that I probably won't become a regular View-viewer. To put it not-so-nicely, I kinda want to wash my eye sockets out with acid right now.

Actually, I'll correct that... Joy Behar is alright. In some ways, she is who I might be in 20-30 years (minus the hit talk show of course, although keep your fingers crossed... if Tyra can do it, anyone can). She's just a funny, down-to-earth, liberal, New York girl... who hates Starr Jones.

I'm not really a fan of Barbara Walters, but I'm not going to say anything bad about her specifically because she has enough money and power to have me killed. And who knows, some day the Evil Slut Clique might be so immensely popular that Babs (if she's still alive, who knows how long fame will take) will interview us and I don't want to be the evil slut that she makes cry. Honestly though, the only woman who scares me more than her is Oprah, but it's a really close second.

My real rant today is about that Elisabeth Hasselbeck woman. What the fuck is with that dumb bitch? My initial aversion to her was mostly based on her blonde perkiness and the fact that she was a contestant on Survivor (and maybe, slightly based on the fact that she's one of the thinnest pregnant woman I've ever seen, not including Nicole Richie). I had a no idea how much I would hate her once she opened her pretty little mouth.

Apparently, Lizzie (which I will now refer to her as from this point forward, even though I bet no one is ever allowed to call her that in real life) represents the "conservative" position on the show. (Just as Starr represented the "black bitchy lawyer" view, Rosie O'Donnell represented the "loud liberal lesbian" view, and Babs represents the "I'm so rich I could buy and sell you" view). Now as anyone with a brain can guess... the Evil Slut Clique leans a little bit to the left. Like... so far to the left that we look like we could use a V-8.... but anyway... what really bothered me about Lizzie's comments on today's show was not really "political" so much as just... bitchy.

Apparently Melanie Brown ("Scary Spice") had a baby with Eddie Murphy and he refused to admit that the baby was his until they did a paternity test. I didn't know this because I could care less about the lives of former Spice Girls (well except maybe "Posh Spice", because she's married to the hottie-metrosexual-footballer David Beckham). So my whole opinion on the baby scandal is "big fucking whoop", but okay, they were talking about it.

The "hot topic" was whether you should tell your kids if they were "wanted" or "planned" or if they were... an "accident". Now, I really don't like to refer to any children as "accidents" because it has the connotation of "mistake". I think unplanned is a better way to put it - or in the case of my own children - Surprise! Then the subject evolved into couples having babies without being married (both in an Elizabeth Hurley kind of way and a Brangelina kind of way). And that dumb bitch Lizzie had the nerve to say that basically (I'm paraphrasing) it's lazy and irresponsible to not go all the way and just get married if you have a kid. She went on to spout off some made-up statistics (well, okay I'm sure they weren't made-up but just that I know she didn't actually read any of these so-called studies that exist) on how bad it is for kids to grow up with unmarried parents. When asked "but isn't it better to have happy unmarried parents, than unhappy married ones?" she said "Why can't you do both?" Um. Okay.

Now I won't deny that there is evidence that a stable, intact home environment with two active parents is better than say, being raised by Britney Spears... but I was really offended by the insinuation that "marriage" suddenly means everything is okay. I was raised by divorced parents and I would have been way more screwed up than I am now if those two people had continued to live together as husband and wife. Also, I resent the implication that somehow that little piece of paper that is a marriage license somehow makes your love more true and your life more stable.

But anyway... later they interviewed Julia Stiles and insisted on asking her such hard-hitting questions about her career as "don't you want to get married and make babies!?" I have absolutely nothing but respect for her though because she apparently has a degree in English from Columbia and I doubt you'll read anything bad about her in the tabloids anytime soon. They actually asked her about that - why she didn't end up like "other young starlets" (no names... Lindsay Lohan). I respect Julia's reluctance to talk bad about any of those skanks (I respect it, but I don't share it) and her observation that it's really just a "choice" and that she chooses to focus on her career. Conclusion: Julia Stiles; good.

The next guest was none other than the deliciously over-tanned Zac Efron of Disney's High School Musical fame. Through his entire interview all I wanted to do was push his flawlessly highlighted hipster haircut out of his eyes. Now say what you want about him, but I have a special place in my heart for all the HSM kids (totally psyched for the sequel August 17, yeah I said it). He will always be Troy to me even when he inevitably stars on the Surreal Life Season 30 or Zac Efron is 45... and Single. Lizzie proved herself to be even more of a moron when she confused Hairspray with High School Musical. (Okay, so they're both cheesy musical films in which Zac overacts and grins a lot... but yeah, Lizzie's a dumb bitch).

Chelsea Handler was the highlight of the show. Each time they allowed her to speak (about every 12 minutes) were just heaven. (Don't miss her on the Late Show with David Letterman tonight!) And Julia Stiles is now more than just my favorite teen-Shakespeare-remake-chick (O, 10 Things I Hate About You, and Hamlet with Ethan Hawke). Unfortunately, everything else sucked balls and I don't plan to ever ever ever ever watch the show again.

Well, unless maybe Ashley Tisdale and Vanessa Hudgens co-host.


Shar said...

QOUTE--the Evil Slut Clique leans a little bit to the left. Like... so far to the left that we look like we could use a V-8..

i stopped reading after this cuz i just wanted to laugh hard instead.
i will continue reading but this was fucking funny.

Frank said...

I think I learned more about celebrity gossip by reading this article than I thought I would. If it was this fun to follow celebrity drama, I think I'd care a little more. I've never seen the view, and I never will. I'd rather stab myself in the eye with a rusty spoon.

Meeky P. said...

Actually, it was Eddie Murphy who denied the child until the paternity test. And still hasn't claimed the child or paid one cent of child support.

I loathe Oprah. I'm not afraid to say it.

That is all.


Yeah Frank... I felt a little dirty googling "Britney Spears bad parent" and "Scary Spice paternity test". I think I need a shower.

Valkyrie said...

"I was raised by divorced parents and I would have been way more screwed up than I am now if those two people had continued to live together as husband and wife."

Same thing here - except my dad was actually such a shithead that my mom and stepdad did most of the raising. This is why I go absolutely apeshit with people who say that people need to stay married when they have children, or that divorce is wrong or (even) should be illegal. One of my really conservative Christian friends tried to tell me this DESPITE knowing about my situation and I still kind of resent that. If those bigots had had their way, my life would have been ruined.

God, I hate Elizabeth Hasselback even more now...