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September 28, 2007

Beautify Your Insides!

I need to take a minute to discuss how much I hate Metamucil's new ad campaign.

[For those who don't want to waste 30 seconds of their life watching or are pretending to do work right now, let me sum up: Metamucil wants us to primp, coif, gussy up, and beautify our insides. Apparently Metamucil may help to lower cholesterol, so that will make us more heart-healthy and therefore beautiful. There is no mention of what Metamucil is or what it is actually supposed to be used for.]

Apparently this girl has an unsexy colon, and really needs to beautify her insides by eating a healthier diet with lots of whole grains and fruit and veg...I'm sorry, I mean by stealing her grandma's Metamucil and becoming a laxative junkie.

So, let me get this straight. After us women have amassed our arsenal of magical diet pills (and shakes and meal replacement bars and anti-cellulite cream and blah blah blah) and face creams and makeup with scientific beauty technology or whatever, and we've put on the push-up bra and the pantyhose and the four inch heels and we're ready to face the world...nope, sorry ladies. Now we have to have sexy digestive tracts too if we want to be truly beautiful.

I love that Metamucil is trying to get away with this vague repositioning of itself as a "beauty product" for women. On their website they say that they've added "fiber supplement" as a new usage option on their package directions. Why?

Why did the Metamucil label change to include both laxative and dietary fiber supplement information?

The product itself has not changed. The label has changed. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved a health claim for foods and dietary supplements that recognizes that diets containing soluble fiber from psyllium husk, as in Metamucil, may reduce the risk of heart disease by lowering cholesterol when included as part of a low-fat diet. The label now provides this information on how Metamucil can be used as a dietary fiber supplement and as a fiber laxative for regularity.

Ah, an FDA approved health claim. I feel better already. But with such a great health "claim" about lowered cholesterol, it's surprising that the ad campaign seems to be directed only at younger women rather than at the widest possible audience. Weird. Well, maybe there's a companion ad out there with middle aged men skipping through fields of sunflowers while talking about gussying up their insides, and I just haven't caught it yet. So if this dietary supplement business is a new usage, what was the original use for Metamucil again?
How does Metamucil work for laxation?

Metamucil contains a bulk-forming fiber without any chemical stimulants. The active ingredient, psyllium, is a harvested grain that absorbs and holds moisture. This causes the psyllium to swell, supplying the necessary bulk to help form an easily eliminated stool. Metamucil will not cause immediate evacuation but generally produces an effect in 12 to 72 hours.

Oh yeah. That. I could get into some feminist discourse here about the beauty myth and unrealistic expectations placed on women by society and the media. But really I think it's enough to say that it's extremely fucked up that a company would try to market a laxative as a product that young women should use to make themselves more beautiful. Some women already do try to use laxatives that way--women with eating disorders. Did anyone at Metamucil stop for a minute to think that these ads are basically sending the message that it's okay to use laxatives as a diet aid? Sure, they don't come right out and mention weight loss, but the ad is all about 'cleansing your body' and being more beautiful. And all of the women in the commercial just happen to be thin and pretty.

This is condescending advertising at its best. "All we have to do is say that something is a beauty product, even if it clearly isn't, and plenty of gullible women will fall for it." It's a laxative. Maybe it lowers your cholesterol, maybe it doesn't, but it's still Metamucil. It's for constipation. It's not glamorous or feminine or sexy, and colorful packaging and berry flavoring (hopefully) isn't going to convince too many women that it is.

Listen, Metamucil. No offense, but you can suck it. It's bad enough that women already have to watch commercials about how low fat yogurt is 'orgasm good' or how we should be on special magical birth control so that we can venture out of the house when we have our periods. We don't need this too. Thanks, but we just want to watch Rock of Love in peace.

September 27, 2007

his name is Alvaro

So I guess we should say something about the Pick Up Artist finale.

Meh. We just couldn't get into it with out the Joes.

"Kosmo" won. That's all we have to say about that.

September 25, 2007

Bring Your Own Tiara

Here's another worthy cause (an actual one - not that we're opposed to gratuitous nudity on TV - but this one's a little more likely to happen).

We found this one on myspace, because we're cool. Or... we're... something.

Josie Smith-Malave (formerly of Top Chef - and seemingly one the "realest" people ever seen on "reality" TV) is hosting B.Y.O.T. - Bring Your Own Tiara - on October 4th in New York City.

Support this nation's only openly queer beauty queen, our own, Scout Durwood, and her race for Miss USA. All excess proceeds go to "Pink in my Rainbow," Josie and Scout's all-queer chapter of Race for the Cure.

October 4th
Doors @ 8PM
Show @ 9PM

at CHINA 1
50 Avenue B & 4th Street

$10 minimum donation

Performances by: Mahogany Alyssa Robbins and Julia Weldon Pete and Jay The Sarcastics Frances Rodriguez and special celebrity DJ ~ Dangerous Muse

Pageant tips by Scout and Josie's amuse bouche all night.

I'm going to quote Josie's myspace blog on this one, because I think she said it best:
This event is for two very very special causes, near and dear to my heart: beautiful women and beautiful breasts."

(Both images were blatantly stolen by me from Josie's myspace).

People for Gratuitous Nudity on TV

I recently viewed this ad on craigslist and felt required to share it with you all.

Looking For Protesters and Hecklers

Reply to: gigs-430636415@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-09-24, 10:43AM

I recently returned from a trip to Europe. While there, I was shocked to learn that they can show nudity on regular TV.

This really pissed me off. Why should Europeans be able to enjoy nipples on PrimeTime and we can't? Wouldn't shows like the View be more entertaining if we could see Barbara's tits? Wouldn't lame sitcoms be more tolerable if we could see
Meredith Baxter Birney's Rack?

If you agree with me, then perhaps you want to join my organization- PGNONTV (People for Gratuitous Nudity ON TV).

We're currently looking for volunteers to stand outside network studios and protest the lack of nudity on TV. As a member of PGNONTV we'll also ask that you write to advertisers and demand that they don't advertise their products on wholesome shows that refuse to show T&A.

Right now, we can't offer any pay for your services. But we are planning a walk-a-thon and a tele-a-thon to help raise money. We're also trying to figure out how to launder money. Once we do, you'll get a piece of the action.

To apply for this exciting opportunity, I'll need 3 references from you. References to your 3 favorite gratuitous nudity scenes.


Beverly D'Angelo
's shower scene in the original Vacation movie.
Phoebe Cates exiting the pool in Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Whoopi Goldberg bending over the Pew in Sister Act.

I think this mighty cause deserves our attention. Just think how much more fun Rock of Love would have been if we could have actually been seeing Heather get naked this whole time?

September 24, 2007

your honest opinion?

So some of you have asked us why we're no longer friends with the girl from our crazy couple comic series...

Basically, the following comic will explain all that:

Go to I Read While He Plays Video Games to read more!

September 19, 2007

Mystery Drives Us To Drink

Jezebel and Adam watch Monday Night Football and The Pick Up Artist while drinking. Do not try this at home.

Wow, that blonde guy really has the Dawson's Creek look down.

Oh yes. And now he's doing a Dylan McKay brooding look.

Did Mystery actually just say 'this medallion symbolizes joy'?

I believe he did. Every week is a different color and means something different.

So that's not a P for Player on this week's medallion?

No, I think it's supposed to be some kind of rune symbol.

Was Mystery seriously just saying something about these guys' lives being forever changed? This is way too dramatic.

Well, this is serious to him. He used to be a dork until he got involved with the "seduction community" and helped to create all of these terms and methods and stuff. He may still be a dork underneath, but he feels like he's created a new way of life for himself and other dorks out there.

Oh, he's definitely still a dork, especially with all the terms and methods. And is this life really better for the guys? They're on a reality show trying to hook up with strippers.

Just like Bret Michaels.

Exactly! Wait, what? No.

Seriously, I see what you mean. But isn't trying to hook up with strippers better than sitting in your parents' basement playing World of Warcraft for the rest of your life?

Well, trying to hook up with strippers for the rest of your life would be pretty pathetic too.

Just like Scott Baio.

You watch way too much Celebreality.

I know. I'm just about ready for rehab. And you're right about the stripper thing. But if these crazy challenges give the guys more confidence in their everyday lives, it can only help them, right?

Not if they keep trying to dress like Mystery.

Believe me, I'm definitely not going to defend any of the fashion choices on this show. But I still think you're wrong about Joe D. going for a rich guy look. He looks like a guido.

Yes, he totally was. It's certainly not a guido. He’s not even close to Italian, and he looks too interested in what they’re saying. That’s it, I can’t even believe I’m watching this with you. I’m going back to Monday Night Football.

Oh yeah, aren’t the Eagles playing the Redskins tonight? The team with the craziest fans and the team with the most PC name.

I prefer having the crazy fans. And lay off Philly, they’re having a tough night.

Okay, you've suffered enough. You know, the Yankees have a real Native American player.

The Yankees just have everything, don't they?

Listen, the Giants and Jets are both 0-2, the Mets are falling apart, and the Knicks not only suck but are also in court being sued for discrimination, which leads to me having to hear stories about Stephon Marbury banging one of the Knicks City Dancers or an intern or someone on the team bus. The Yankees are all I have, okay?

What's the discrimination suit for? The girl he was with wasn't Native American? Equal opportunity and all that.

Funny. She's not actually the one suing, although I think every woman that has come into contact with Stephon Marbury is probably entitled to some sort of compensation.

Okay, okay. At least your team isn't getting its butt kicked by fake Native Americans on Monday Night Football.

Hey, you know what would be ironic and funny?

I can only imagine.

What if the Yankees were playing the Braves in the World Series, and the Braves got beat by the Yankees' real Native American player?

But the Braves suck this year, they aren't even going to make the playoffs.

Hello, hypothetical!

But that wouldn't actually be ironic...would it?

I don't know, but wouldn't it be funny?

You're drunk.

Yeah, okay, scotch boy. Quick, switch it back, it’s elimination time! It’s down to Joe and Kosmo, and…wait, are they…?


You’re never going to forgive me for making you watch this, are you?

I can't believe they're actually sitting there holding hands and sniffling. I thought this show was about picking up women.

Allegedly. Hey, what a surprise! Joe got eliminated and now the two most generically good-looking guys are in the finals. Way to prove that looks don't have anything to do with becoming a great pick up artist, Mystery.

And if you hadn't made me change it back I would have missed the preview with Mystery wearing his fishnet and feathers outfit. Thanks a lot.

Sorry. I'll buy you a new bottle of scotch to make up for all this.

You're forgiven. Can we go back to football now?

Sure. But you know you’re totally coming over next week to watch the finale with me and Lilith, right?

I'm hanging up now.

September 18, 2007

Can you get a degree in Exotic Dance?

My mom asked me to write this blog tonight. Of course, my mom doesn't truly know what a "blog" is. She also doesn't know that I actually have a blog at all, let alone the name or web address of Evil Slutopia. Why? She's convinced that anything I say on the Internet will come back to haunt me and someday be used against me. God forbid I write about sluts online, it might totally ruin my shot at a political career. So for the time being I'm remaining anonymous and the blog is a secret to my mom (unless of course, she's accidentally reading this right now and is finally putting two and two together... in which case, Hi Mom! Sorry!)

Anyway, even though she doesn't know that Evil Slutopia exists, oddly enough she did say I should write a blog (even though I still say she doesn't get what a blog is) so I will do what she asked... which is write a blog about strippers.

Now you're probably wondering why on Earth my mom would want me to write a blog about strippers. It is all because of Rock of Love. (Yes, I watch Rock of Love with my mom, is that weird?) The final two "contestants" were narrowed down last night to Jes and Heather and my mom thinks that Heather is always given too hard a time about being a stripper. And you know what, for once my mom and I agree. What the fuck is the big deal?

Everyone keeps talking shit about her for being a stripper. The issue isn't just that she's a stripper, but the fact that's she's still a stripper. Apparently it's only okay to be a stripper for a certain period of time, but not too long. I guess it's fine if you're just trying it out, but anyone who chooses exotic dancing as their career... whole other story. Yeah, I don't get it. Why is it okay to strip in order to pay your way through college, but it's not acceptable to pay off your student loans after you've graduated? I just don't know.

Also, I think once you've agreed to go on a Celebreality dating show, you forfeit any right to make judgments about other people's choices.

If she enjoys stripping and makes good money and is still hot enough to pull it off... what's the problem!? Hell, if I looked as good as Heather does at her age, I'd do it too. No, correction... if I ever looked as good as she does at any age I'd do it. Seriously, the main reason I'm not a stripper right now is that I'm out of shape and too self-conscious about my body. (Not that I'm extremely self-conscious about my body, but just a little too self-conscious to consider a career move that requires nudity). It has nothing to do with "morality" or feeling objectified or anything. None at all. (In fact, I don't want to admit how close I'd be to becoming a hooker if things were different, but that's a subject for a whole other blog entry). I would totally be a stripper if anyone was actually willing to pay me to take my clothes off. Well, okay, I'm sure someone might consider paying me to get naked, but it wouldn't be anyone with good taste.

So let's give Heather a break. All the Rock of Love girls lately keep questioning if she'd actually quit dancing for Bret. Dude, she got his name tattooed on her neck for chrissake! Talk about commitment to a man who isn't even technically dating her! You really don't believe she'd stop stripping for him too? Not that I think she should have to stop stripping, but apparently Bret Michaels has issues with long term dating a stripper. Shocking. If Bret was so opposed to strippers then why is there a stripper pole in the Rock of Love house in the first place?

Coincidentally, tonight's episode of the Pick-Up Artist also focused on the same subject. The guys went to a strip club and tried to pick up exotic dancers. Yeah, I don't know how that's even remotely possible seeing as they can barely pick up regular drunk women, but okay, it's reality TV, I'll bite. (Way to go Brady by the way for actually getting the stripper to make out with him in the limo - without paying her!)

I'm not gay, but I'm fascinated with hot naked women, so of course I'm fascinated with people whose job descriptions are basically just to be "hot naked women". I haven't been to a strip club in a long time, partly because I'm broke and partly because I feel a little fat and flabby when I go there. But mainly, I haven't been because I hadn't had a guy to go with. I love looking at naked chicks (or the hot ones at least) so what could be sexier than a hot naked chick giving a lap dance to the man I'm going home with? Even if being surrounded by sexy naked women makes me feel a little insecure about my body, I'm secure enough to know that I'm the one he's going to be fucking later. (Unless of course, there's the possibility of a threesome, but that's also a subject for another blog entry).

Okay, I've gotten a bit off track again, so I'm just going to end it here... with a lovely photo montage in celebration of Heather the stripper.

All photos were blatantly stolen from the Celebreality blog. Thanks.

September 16, 2007

MTV is Fucking Up America? Cool.

Welcome class. We'd like to share a little vocabulary lesson with you. Today's word is "deflection".

de·flec·tion –noun
the act or state of deflecting; preventing an occurance from happening; impeding the movement of something; turning away from an initial course or straight line or point of interest; drawing attention away from something.

Can you use this word in a sentence?

When Ja Rule turned the focus of a congressional hearing on violent hip-hop music to MTV's alleged gay agenda it was a classic case of deflection.

Very good boys and girls. Tomorrow's word is "douchebag".

Apparently Ja Rule - the rapper and "actor" also known as Jeffrey Atkins - spoke out against congressional hearings on violent hip-hop music by... being an ignorant douchebag. Even though homosexuality wasn't even an issue being discussed he felt the need to deflect the attention away from the point at hand, by... being an ignorant douchebag:

"…We need to go step to MTV and Viacom, and lets talk about all these fucking shows that they have on MTV that is promoting homosexuality, that my kids can’t watch this shit. Dating shows that’s showing two guys or two girls in mid-afternoon. Let’s talk about shit like that! If that’s not fucking up America, I don’t know what is."

Now let's look for a moment at what a wonderful role model Ja Rule is for his kids (and ours)... He never finished high school, he's been arrested for gun possession, and he apparently can't do anything without having some kind of beef with another artist (for example: 50 Cent, DMX, Eminem, Dr. Dre, Busta Rhymes, etc.) His songs advocate violence, misogyny, crime, infidelity, materialism... and are filled with curses and sexual references. Now the ESC obviously has no problem with curses and sexual references. But let's not be a fucking hypocrite okay Ja?

How can a man whose songs include the following lyrics, say that MTV is fucking up America because of some minor gay programming?

The way you shake that ass like ho's from Harlem

Reminds me to call ya the same time tommora

Cuz baby I'm impressed, by the way you, shake them ass and hips

By the way you make me wanna leave the one I'm wit

-Murder Me

Niggas! Grip the iron and keep it cocked

Bitches! Work your clit keep that pussy hot

Cause it's all about sex, money, and murder

-Niggas & Bitches

But we're hunters, we take pride in airin our prey out

Leavin 'em layed out, dead, in just a sport

'cause we ain't playin up here in New York

-New York

This is another testimony to my life and my story

Askin you hoes, why should I talk when I got guns to speak for me


Nuttin but some gangsters, smokin and ridin

Come on get high with us

Come on and ride with us

-Smokin and Ridin

Now none of that is so horrible that I'd necessarily say anything bad about Ja Rule... unless he was going to be a fucking hypocrite and an ignorant douchebag, like he's being right now. I mean, we all know how homophobic some rappers can be... but dude, let's be realistic here okay? I don't know if he's coming from a religious standpoint or just a place of douchebaggery, but if it is religious... let's address that for a moment. Apparently in his religion it's not okay for two people to have a loving and monogamous relationship - if they're the same sex - but it is okay for people to cheat on their significant others, have premarital and/or extramarital sex, lie, cheat, steal, do drugs, and kill people... as long as you're not gay.

So MTV is fucking up America and promoting homosexuality... cool. Maybe I'll start watching it more often.

September 14, 2007

A Shot At Boredom

There was Flavor of Love, then I Love New York, then Charm School. There's Bret Michaels and his many turn ons, and Scott Baio and his many hangups. Team Lauren or Team Heidi? The Man Band. Mystery and his band of merry men...I mean, his posse of super-masculine straight guys. (I'm sorry. It takes a real man to put on a stovepipe hat and aviator goggles without smudging his eyeliner.) And don't even get us started on The Two Coreys.

The point is, we think they've finally gone too far. Last week, MTV announced plans for a new reality dating show starring "myspace celebrity" Tila Tequila. (There aren't enough quotation marks in the world to qualify the phrase "myspace celebrity"). The show will be called A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila and will feature 32 contestants competing for Ms. Tequila's affection. According to MTV, “Every episode will culminate in a dramatic ceremony unlike anything you’ve ever seen before.”

In a shockingly shocking twist, 16 of the suitors will be straight men and the other 16 will be lesbians. Apparently Tila is the only bisexual in the bunch, because we can't have the contestants hooking up with each other rather than her...unless they happen to be two lesbians getting together, because we know that's always wholesome fun for the whole family.

I guess all of this is supposed to be edgy, but it just comes off more like Those Drunk Girls At The Bar Who Make Out With Each Other To Get More Attention From Men: The TV Show. We're not saying that none of us have ever been that girl, but do we need another reality show about it? We already have The Real World. And really, after you've watched Lacey and Sam dig through a dumpster full of garbage to find Bret's lucky guitar pick, seen Scott Baio's aging guido friend mud wrestle a bunch of girls in his underwear, and witnessed Flavor Flav taking a bubble bath with Brigitte Nielson, is anything really edgy anymore?

Maybe it's just us. Maybe we're just burned out after our summer of Celebreality, and we need to take a break and write more about topics that don't involve crazy hats, blondes with fake boobs, or zebra print speedos.

Oh, who are we kidding? Next season, when Produce Section of Love with Carrot Top is on right before Britney Spears is 25...and a Trainwreck, we're so there. Sarcastic text message commentary won't write itself. You're welcome.

September 13, 2007

I Had No Idea...

Jezebel and Lilith go to No Idea... hijinks ensue.

Most of you have probably realized that Jezebel, Lilith, Eve, and Mary Magdalene are not our real names... yeah, no friends could have been that lucky. An evil slut's gotta have her privacy... well... a little bit of privacy... so we like to maintain some level of anonymity. You can check the No Idea calendar all you like and you won't technically find a "Lilith night" or "Jezebel night' (although that would be fucking awesome).

So this blog is all about our adventures at what we shall from this point forward refer to as "Lilith Night" at No Idea. The awesome people at No Idea might know who I really am and I will continue to support them as long as they continue to keep my secret. (In reality, they could care less who I am and likely didn't even notice me that evening... or any evening... but sometimes I like to pretend that I'm more important than I actually am).

Now in case you have no idea what No Idea is (har har, do ya see what I did there?)... It's one of the ESC's favorite bars in NYC. (Read No Idea: Where Every Body Knows I'm Lame for more info). So yeah, I kissed some ass and I got a night of free booze. What does an evil slut do with a night of free booze? She acts like an idiot!

Upon our arrival we encountered a very serious Fantasy Football draft meeting in the back of the bar. Now, I still don't quite understand the fascination with Fantasy Football. It doesn't seem that exciting to me. Of course, this could be due to the fact that Real Football doesn't seem that exciting to me either. I mean, unless you've got Sinbad and/or Kathy Ireland* on your roster, I'm not interested.

*I might have stolen that joke from comic Jeff Cerulli. I say I came up with it on my own, but I don't want him to Joe Rogan me. So I'll give credit where credit is due, maybe.

But I digress. These fantasy footballers had two things in common:
  • They obviously never played football themselves. (You could tell just by looking. And if any of you are reading this... I'm sorry, but it's true).
  • They took it way too seriously. Like, really way too seriously. To a scary extent.
Needless to say, we could tell they would be no fun. I'd choose the Fantasy Celebrity game over Fantasy Football any day, but I have Since the football dorks (no offense) were boring... we had to find other ways to entertain ourselves.

We played the "Lilith" game. Seeing as we knew a percentage of the patrons that evening had to be named Lilith, we decided to prey on their drunkenness. (The odds that the Liliths were drunk were pretty good... seeing as they were drinking for free. A prime example: This Lilith was drunk as well). The Liliths were easily detectable by the neon plastic cups they were drinking from (that is, the No Idea "free drink" cups). We went up to other Liliths one by one and acted as if we knew them. "Hey, Lilith! You look great!" or "Oh my God, Lilith... how are you?" You'd be surprised how long it took for some of them to catch on. I mean, please... it's Lilith Night for chrissake. Use your heads! Pfft. Drunk girls.

We also like to play the "Personal Ad" game (with Liliths and Non-Liliths alike)... It gets easier and easier the more popular sites like myspace and eHarmony get...

Me: Hey... are you... Mike?

Not-Mike: No, I'm sorry, my name's not Mike.

Me: You look just like your picture! And you're wearing exactly what your email said you'd be wearing... It's me... Lilith... you know... "BeautifulStranger94".

Not-Mike: Um... I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.

Me: What, am I not what you expected?

Not-Mike: Uh...

Me: Oh I see how it is... I'm not pretty enough for you. Fine... just say so. You don't have to pretend like you don't know me. God.

Not-Mike: No... I...

Me: I know I'm not as thing as I was in the photo I sent but you said you weren't shallow. You seemed like such a nice guy in your profile, but I guess that was just bullshit. Whatever.

We also decided that No Idea would be the perfect setting to try out some of our new Pick-Up Artist "openers" or "gambits". Such exciting topics such as the "Do you floss before or after you brush?" conundrum or the "Is kissing cheating?" debate. The case for the flossing is still undecided. (We promise to research this further at a later date). And I think pretty much anyone who at least claims to be monogamous will say that kissing is cheating. Or at least sort of cheating.

In other evil slut clique pick-up artist news, we've decided that having a prop is a great opener too. I don't mean something ridiculous like goggles or something cute, but impractical, like a puppy... We're talking about tater tots. Yes, you read that correctly. Tater tots. Apparently tater tots are an awesome conversation starter. Who knew? I wonder why Mystery and Matador haven't thought of this yet.

Now you're probably wondering... okay, why tater tots? They're delicious first of all. Duh. But let me give you some personal tot history: Before arriving at No Idea, we ate a disgustingly delicious dinner of comfort food at a retro diner. Let this be a lesson to you all: Chocolate chip pancakes are not a good appetizer for free beer. No way. I was so stuffed that I almost didn't have room for the free beer. Almost. (C'mon... there's always room for free beer!) When we were done stuffing our faces, we found ourselves with an overabundance of leftover tater tots. Not wanting to waste good tots, we had them wrapped up and brought them to No Idea with us. (Please no Napoleon Dynamite references, okay? We know).

Our method, which I have dubbed the "Tater Tot Method", has two main points:
  • Offering delicious tater tots to strangers.
  • Debating the significance of the tater tot in modern society.
Did you know that tater tots were first produced in the early fifties? Did you know that they were invented in an attempt to find a use for the shredded pieces of potato that were leftover after making french fries? I bet you had no idea. The ESC happens to be huge supporters of the tater tot industry. We happen to feel that the tot is one the most under appreciated potato products. They are clearly the bastard cousins of the french fry. But now I'm getting ahead of myself.

Unfortunately no matter how many times we asked, no one at No Idea wanted our tots. Shocking right? We noticed one well-dressed gentleman drinking alone at the bar and felt that it was our duty, you know, as evil sluts, to investigate... and offer him tots.
Jezebel: We each have a question for you.

Guy: Okay...

Jezebel: Are you drinking alone because you're waiting for someone... or are you a refugee from the Fantasy Football group in the back room?

Guy: It's funny that you mention that... I actually have a subordinate taking care of my Fantasy Football picks for me, while I'm in New York on business. So I'm not waiting for anyone, but yes, I am drinking alone.

Jezebel: Okay and now the second question...

Lilith: The second question is really important.

Guy: Okay.

Lilith: Would you care for some tater tots?

Guy: Um... what?

Lilith: Would you care for some tater tots?

Guy: I'm... not sure what that means.

Lilith: Don't worry it's not a euphemism for anything! I mean actual tater tots.

Guy: Oh. Um... no, thank you.
We spent the rest of the evening hanging out with this unnamed man from Kansas City. (Well, we know what his name was but we're not going to reveal it because he asked us not to. He also asked us not to reveal the name of his company or even what he does... He has a professional reputation to worry about, so he wouldn't want anyone to read that he was - gasp - drinking beer with tater-tot offering evil sluts. Because apparently Evil Slutopia is really popular in Kansas City, so his colleagues would be sure to find out).

Oh, and totally unrelated... but while searching for an image to clearly portray our new Kansas City friend (obviously, I did a Google search for "Ken doll" as you can see above; I swear he was wearing that exact suit) I came across the most awesomest Ken doll ever. Please someone buy this for us. It would make us so happy and would go so well with the chia clock we've also been asking for.
(Harley Davidson Ken Doll)

But again, I digress. Overall we had a great time at No Idea (as usual). If you live near New York... or are ever on a trip to the New York area like our new Kansas City friend... we suggest you check it out.

No matter what your name is.

September 12, 2007

Bye Bye Pradeep!

We were a little late this week in getting around to watching The Pick Up Artist, but we had to post about it anyway because we couldn't miss the opportunity to thank all of the members of the ESC Coalition Against Pradeep for all of their hard work and dedication.

This week Pradeep was finally eliminated, after an episode full of lots of Pradickish behavior to remind us of exactly what we were all fighting for. Together we were able to make a difference. Thank you.

We're extra happy about this development because the directors of the C.A.P. were having a really hard time coming up with a catchy slogan for our anti-Pradeep cause...

Only you can prevent Pradeep.

Just Say 'No'... to Pradeep.

This is your brain on Pradeep. Any questions?

Friends don't let friends meet Pradeep.

Yeah, we had nothing. Maybe we'll just stick with what works.

In case this wasn't enough and you need more details about the guys buying lingerie... VH1's Pick Up Artist Episode 6 Recap

September 11, 2007

Blank... For The Cure?

A few photos from Race for the Cure on Sunday. (Nope, no sexy photos of the ESC getting all sweaty... we're still doing that whole "anonymous" thing until we're rich and famous and able to quit our day jobs to blog full-time. Should be any day now).

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So many "racers". It's like the million-boob march.

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Isn't Judge Judy cute in "regular clothes"?

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(We were there for Mile 2 also, but for some reason we didn't notice it).

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The finish line... yeah we really did the whole thing...
(eh, it was only 5K... which is about 3.2 miles... even we can do that).

While walking, we were brainstorming other ideas that would really raise some money for breast cancer research (you know, for those people who are too lazy to walk slowly for a cure). Some of our ideas came from the sights we saw at the Race (as seen below in the rest of our poor quality photos). Some of our ideas simply came from the genius that is the Evil Slut Clique.

  • Cab It for the Cure, Commute for the Cure, Golf Carts for the Cure, etc... (because lazy people care too. Just not enough to - you know - walk anywhere).
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(Biker Chicks for the Cure)

  • Walk Your Dog for the Cure
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  • Kissing for the Cure, Fucking for the Cure, Oral Sex for the Cure, are you sensing a general theme here? We figure we're doing do this anyway... why not do it for a good cause?
  • Fashion Risks for the Cure
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  • And on a similar note...Ridiculous Headgear for the Cure
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  • Bar-Hopping for the Cure, Tequila Shots for the Cure, Binge Drinking for the Cure...
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Another example of our skilled photography skills.
(We imagine this is what "Binge Drinking for the Cure" would look like).

  • And our personal favorite... The Cure for the Cure

Please let us know if you have any ideas of your own and maybe next year we'll do a little Evil Slutopia fundraiser. (And also, while you're at it... email us to let us know about any actual charity events that you think we might want to participate in or promote for you. We're good like that).

September 6, 2007

Walking Slowly for the Cure

This Sunday, the Evil Slut Clique will participate in New York's Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure, a 5K run/fitness walk to raise funds and awareness for the fight against breast cancer (as well celebrate breast cancer survivors and honor those who lost their lives to the disease).

This year marks the 25th anniversary of Race for the Cure.

As you well know, some of the ESC is a little obsessed with boobs (why do you think we can't pull ourselves away from Rock of Love? It's not just Rodeo's laugh)... so we'll happily support any fundraiser to protect them. Even if it involves... exercise.

It's not too late to register for Race for the Cure or another Komen event in your own neighborhood.

September 4, 2007

Pradeep Sucks: A Protest

There will be no Pick-Up Artist text message commentary this week. We are protesting the loss of Gay Joe and the fact that Pradeep actually won something. We can't express our hate for him enough, so let our lack of a post do the talking for us.

If you want to know what happened in Episode 5, you can check out the VH1 blog. We're just too pissed off to be funny this time around.

September 2, 2007

Celebreality Crossovers

I was reading a discussion on another site about The Hills (I know you'll all be shocked that the ESC watches that show). Someone made the joke that the methods taught by Mystery on The Pickup Artist must really work, since he's now dating Audrina. No, wait, that's not Mystery, it's only Justin...Bobby. It's not hard to get them confused, they're both kinda sorta okay looking in a scruffy, long-haired, bizarre fashion sense, horrible boyfriend material, nothing-I-say-makes-any-sense- whatsoever sort of way. So I started thinking about other celebreality crossovers that really need to happen.

As we've said before, we think that Mystery and Bret Michaels are fashion soulmates, and we would love to see a crossover special of them shopping for crazy hats, goggles, pleather jackets, and eyeliner together.

Speaking of Mystery, I think that next season of The Pickup Artist (you know they won't be able to resist doing this again) should feature Johnny V. from Scott Baio is 45...And Single. I don't actually want to see Johnny V. on my TV screen again, but someone has to teach him how to get women on his own without falling back on "come on, I'm best friends with Chachi!" Maybe after that someone else can teach him how to grow up a little and act like a human being. (Miracles do happen... sometimes.) I would suggest Doc Ali, but I wouldn't wish that kind of torture on her. Maybe instead she could head over to A&E and see if there's anything she can do for Corey Haim. He just happens to be 35 and single. That can't be a coincidence.

Maybe I'm okay with the idea of Johnny V. on The Pickup Artist because I figure he couldn't possibly be more annoying than Pradeep is on the show now. But since I'm such a kind person, I've come up with some ideas to help Pradeep further his TV career after he is eliminated, which we all know he will be soon, if his housemates don't kill him first.

Pradeep goes on Blind Date, and his date is...Lacey from Rock of Love! I think she could probably make him cry within 10 minutes, and be dumping his body in the lake by the end of the night.

Pradeep goes to Hawaii, where he gets busted by the gang from Dog the Bounty Hunter. Busted for what? I don't know, who cares, I just like imagining the Chapman boys dragging annoying Pradeep off to jail.

The crew from Cheaters finds Pradeep in a hotel room making a very special connection...with a tranny dominatrix. He's just working on his intimacy issues!

I'm sorry. We're just bitter. Fucking dumbass Pradeep. He sucks. Okay, moving on.

I do think that now that the men of celebreality have Doc Ali to help them out, the women need some tough love too. The best person for that job can only been one Cindy "Rodeo" Steedle. I think she should be in charge of the next edition of Charm School. She can teach all of the girls how to behave like proper Southern ladies. Who also know how to manhandle a bitch. Just remember, it's all about the children. And phone sex. And big hats. And muscles. And laughing like a crazy person. Rodeo for President.

Going back to the topic of douchebags for just a minute, the Evil Slutopia crystal ball tells us that a few years from now, reality-douche-of-the-moment Spencer Pratt of The Hills will reappear from obscurity (oh please, we hope) to compete on season 6 of I Love New York. Spencer will be desperate for a new pseudo-celeb girlfriend after Heidi Montag dumps him for Hugh Hefner. The #3 girlfriend spot at the Playboy Mansion opens up when Kendra leaves to attend Rodeo's Charm School (she's already got the laugh down), and Heidi can't resist the new famewhoring opportunity.

I heard a horrible, scary rumor that Heidi was working on an album with Spencer's "help", and that a song was leaked that featured his rapping skills. (Having to imagine terrible crimes against humanity like that is clearly my punishment for knowing way too much about celebrity crap. I accept it.) So maybe if things with New York don't work out, someday he'll be a candidate for Mission: Man Band. Like a new Vanilla Ice. And you know somebody is a major creep when a comparison like that makes you feel like you've just insulted Vanilla Ice's artistic integrity.

Speaking of Ice and the Manbanders (which actually would be an awesome band name), I'm surprised Rock of Love's Heather hasn't shown up yet at the current Man Band house in Orlando hoping that Vanilla Ice might be there, since she never got to successfully "bang" him on Surreal Life. When Heather found out that Ice wasn't a manbander, you know she'd make the best of the situation and settle for that LFO guy instead, and also take some time out to discuss hair products with gay Jeff from 98 Degrees. She's a Renaissance woman.

If Rodeo gets to be a Charm School mistress and Heather gets to hook up with more washed up white boys, then I think Sam, Brandi M., and Jes should get their own Laguna Beach/The Hills type show where nothing ever really happens, but we just get to watch them hang out and go shopping and eat frozen yogurt and hang out at bars and have slumber parties and talk about boys and just generally be cool and say funny things. Maybe they could even invite Lacey for the slumber party episode, because come to think of it, she does kinda remind us of that crazy bitch who showed up to Brenda's slumber party on 90210, and almost ruined everyone's night until it turned out that she was just insecure and also hungry and cranky and moody because of her secret addiction to diet pills, but then the girls had a girly heart-to-heart and promised to all be friends and so she was cured and had some Oreos and everyone had a great time and then she was never seen or heard from again.

And since there's no way I can end this with a picture of fucking annoying Lacey of all people:

Did I miss anything?