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September 13, 2007

I Had No Idea...

Jezebel and Lilith go to No Idea... hijinks ensue.

Most of you have probably realized that Jezebel, Lilith, Eve, and Mary Magdalene are not our real names... yeah, no friends could have been that lucky. An evil slut's gotta have her privacy... well... a little bit of privacy... so we like to maintain some level of anonymity. You can check the No Idea calendar all you like and you won't technically find a "Lilith night" or "Jezebel night' (although that would be fucking awesome).

So this blog is all about our adventures at what we shall from this point forward refer to as "Lilith Night" at No Idea. The awesome people at No Idea might know who I really am and I will continue to support them as long as they continue to keep my secret. (In reality, they could care less who I am and likely didn't even notice me that evening... or any evening... but sometimes I like to pretend that I'm more important than I actually am).

Now in case you have no idea what No Idea is (har har, do ya see what I did there?)... It's one of the ESC's favorite bars in NYC. (Read No Idea: Where Every Body Knows I'm Lame for more info). So yeah, I kissed some ass and I got a night of free booze. What does an evil slut do with a night of free booze? She acts like an idiot!

Upon our arrival we encountered a very serious Fantasy Football draft meeting in the back of the bar. Now, I still don't quite understand the fascination with Fantasy Football. It doesn't seem that exciting to me. Of course, this could be due to the fact that Real Football doesn't seem that exciting to me either. I mean, unless you've got Sinbad and/or Kathy Ireland* on your roster, I'm not interested.

*I might have stolen that joke from comic Jeff Cerulli. I say I came up with it on my own, but I don't want him to Joe Rogan me. So I'll give credit where credit is due, maybe.

But I digress. These fantasy footballers had two things in common:
  • They obviously never played football themselves. (You could tell just by looking. And if any of you are reading this... I'm sorry, but it's true).
  • They took it way too seriously. Like, really way too seriously. To a scary extent.
Needless to say, we could tell they would be no fun. I'd choose the Fantasy Celebrity game over Fantasy Football any day, but I have Since the football dorks (no offense) were boring... we had to find other ways to entertain ourselves.

We played the "Lilith" game. Seeing as we knew a percentage of the patrons that evening had to be named Lilith, we decided to prey on their drunkenness. (The odds that the Liliths were drunk were pretty good... seeing as they were drinking for free. A prime example: This Lilith was drunk as well). The Liliths were easily detectable by the neon plastic cups they were drinking from (that is, the No Idea "free drink" cups). We went up to other Liliths one by one and acted as if we knew them. "Hey, Lilith! You look great!" or "Oh my God, Lilith... how are you?" You'd be surprised how long it took for some of them to catch on. I mean, please... it's Lilith Night for chrissake. Use your heads! Pfft. Drunk girls.

We also like to play the "Personal Ad" game (with Liliths and Non-Liliths alike)... It gets easier and easier the more popular sites like myspace and eHarmony get...

Me: Hey... are you... Mike?

Not-Mike: No, I'm sorry, my name's not Mike.

Me: You look just like your picture! And you're wearing exactly what your email said you'd be wearing... It's me... Lilith... you know... "BeautifulStranger94".

Not-Mike: Um... I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.

Me: What, am I not what you expected?

Not-Mike: Uh...

Me: Oh I see how it is... I'm not pretty enough for you. Fine... just say so. You don't have to pretend like you don't know me. God.

Not-Mike: No... I...

Me: I know I'm not as thing as I was in the photo I sent but you said you weren't shallow. You seemed like such a nice guy in your profile, but I guess that was just bullshit. Whatever.

We also decided that No Idea would be the perfect setting to try out some of our new Pick-Up Artist "openers" or "gambits". Such exciting topics such as the "Do you floss before or after you brush?" conundrum or the "Is kissing cheating?" debate. The case for the flossing is still undecided. (We promise to research this further at a later date). And I think pretty much anyone who at least claims to be monogamous will say that kissing is cheating. Or at least sort of cheating.

In other evil slut clique pick-up artist news, we've decided that having a prop is a great opener too. I don't mean something ridiculous like goggles or something cute, but impractical, like a puppy... We're talking about tater tots. Yes, you read that correctly. Tater tots. Apparently tater tots are an awesome conversation starter. Who knew? I wonder why Mystery and Matador haven't thought of this yet.

Now you're probably wondering... okay, why tater tots? They're delicious first of all. Duh. But let me give you some personal tot history: Before arriving at No Idea, we ate a disgustingly delicious dinner of comfort food at a retro diner. Let this be a lesson to you all: Chocolate chip pancakes are not a good appetizer for free beer. No way. I was so stuffed that I almost didn't have room for the free beer. Almost. (C'mon... there's always room for free beer!) When we were done stuffing our faces, we found ourselves with an overabundance of leftover tater tots. Not wanting to waste good tots, we had them wrapped up and brought them to No Idea with us. (Please no Napoleon Dynamite references, okay? We know).

Our method, which I have dubbed the "Tater Tot Method", has two main points:
  • Offering delicious tater tots to strangers.
  • Debating the significance of the tater tot in modern society.
Did you know that tater tots were first produced in the early fifties? Did you know that they were invented in an attempt to find a use for the shredded pieces of potato that were leftover after making french fries? I bet you had no idea. The ESC happens to be huge supporters of the tater tot industry. We happen to feel that the tot is one the most under appreciated potato products. They are clearly the bastard cousins of the french fry. But now I'm getting ahead of myself.

Unfortunately no matter how many times we asked, no one at No Idea wanted our tots. Shocking right? We noticed one well-dressed gentleman drinking alone at the bar and felt that it was our duty, you know, as evil sluts, to investigate... and offer him tots.
Jezebel: We each have a question for you.

Guy: Okay...

Jezebel: Are you drinking alone because you're waiting for someone... or are you a refugee from the Fantasy Football group in the back room?

Guy: It's funny that you mention that... I actually have a subordinate taking care of my Fantasy Football picks for me, while I'm in New York on business. So I'm not waiting for anyone, but yes, I am drinking alone.

Jezebel: Okay and now the second question...

Lilith: The second question is really important.

Guy: Okay.

Lilith: Would you care for some tater tots?

Guy: Um... what?

Lilith: Would you care for some tater tots?

Guy: I'm... not sure what that means.

Lilith: Don't worry it's not a euphemism for anything! I mean actual tater tots.

Guy: Oh. Um... no, thank you.
We spent the rest of the evening hanging out with this unnamed man from Kansas City. (Well, we know what his name was but we're not going to reveal it because he asked us not to. He also asked us not to reveal the name of his company or even what he does... He has a professional reputation to worry about, so he wouldn't want anyone to read that he was - gasp - drinking beer with tater-tot offering evil sluts. Because apparently Evil Slutopia is really popular in Kansas City, so his colleagues would be sure to find out).

Oh, and totally unrelated... but while searching for an image to clearly portray our new Kansas City friend (obviously, I did a Google search for "Ken doll" as you can see above; I swear he was wearing that exact suit) I came across the most awesomest Ken doll ever. Please someone buy this for us. It would make us so happy and would go so well with the chia clock we've also been asking for.
(Harley Davidson Ken Doll)

But again, I digress. Overall we had a great time at No Idea (as usual). If you live near New York... or are ever on a trip to the New York area like our new Kansas City friend... we suggest you check it out.

No matter what your name is.

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