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February 28, 2008

Love Knows No Bounds?

I've begun experimenting with bondage with my guy. Honestly, I think it's gone way beyond "experimenting" at this point, but I guess I'm still hesitant to call it BDSM or S&M or anything at all really. (I've always resisted labels, so why should my sex life be any different?)

I've always been into a little light spanking and nibbling, but I had never tried anything like bondage before and I'm convinced now that it's mostly because no one else ever asked! I don't think I ever would have gotten the idea to be tied up (or tie someone else up) on my own, but when my current guy mentioned that he was kind of into that I was instantly intrigued and turned on by the idea.

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I honestly and truly trust him. I guess it's safe to say I've had trust issues almost my whole life and we don't have the bandwidth on this site to get into all the reasons why. But for some reason I felt this instant closeness and trust for him. Obviously, it took some time to build up a real trust (that is, enough trust to let him tie me up)... but it took a lot less time with him to get to a level of trust that took years with some of my exes. Go figure.

He was amazing in walking me through it in baby steps, with no pressure, never pushing for anything until I was ready; always making sure that each new step was one I wanted to take; always making sure that the next thing we tried was something I was comfortable with and wanted for myself (and not just to please him). I'm extremely grateful to him for this new experience that I probably wouldn't have had without him.

And it's actually really pretty hot... in my humble opinion. We still have what you'd call "normal whitebread sex" most of the time and even now, things still haven't gone beyond what some people would still consider pretty tame. But for me, it feels as though he has opened up a door to a whole new world of pleasure and pain.

As someone who would probably call myself a feminist (if I wasn't so bothered by the label), it was a little off-putting when I first realized how much I truly enjoyed submitting to him. Although I admit I like it when we turn the tables too, there is something so wonderful in truly "giving yourself" to someone else and knowing that it's a gift they will cherish and treat with great care. I enjoy pleasing him so much and it's not about reciprocation (although yeah, he does reciprocate).

I was so happy and having some of the best sex of my life with a man that I loved and whom I trusted more than any of my exes and feeling really good about all that... until my mother and I accidentally had a discussion about it. Yeah, that was a mistake. I'm not even quite sure how it came up in conversation (I definitely don't talk to my mom about my sex life if I can help it) but I somehow found myself having to explain to my mother what ballgags were for. She wanted to know how I even knew that and asked, "ew, you're not into that, are you?" Of course, with an intro like that I couldn't do much but lie and say no.

She was making faces and talking about how SICK it is. She went off on this rant about how it's not loving and it's all about power trips and violence and hurting people and it's SICK SICK SICK and anyone who is into that is going to hurt me - physically and emotionally - and it will fuck me up and it's about lust, not love and well... you get the idea. All I could say was, "I'm not 'into that' but I don't agree with your opinion. I'm sure there are a lot of people who are into it and still loving to each other". And then I changed the subject.

Now I know not everyone has the same tastes when it comes to sex. I was just surprised that in this day and age anyone could really still feel that way about something that - to me - was pretty mainstream. Okay maybe it's not that mainstream, but it's definitely a far cry from some of the more extreme fetishes I've found out about. (The Internet is both a blessing and a curse).

BDSM is very popular (just look at how many books and websites are devoted to the subject) and is actually a lot more widespread than some people realize. I think we've pretty much reached a point where it's a lot more acceptable and understood... For the most part people are learning that it's not about abuse or torture; it's not about sexism or coercion; it's not necessarily a sexual deviation. If BDSM or bondage takes the form of a paraphilia - that is, it is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification - then it's a problem. But it's becoming asurprisingly common and politically correct way to "spice up" one's sex life from time to time, even for the most conventional couples.

I don't think of it as being about pain, so much as exploring different areas of the human capacity for sensation. I do admit, that bondage (and other forms of BDSM) can be about power. I get that. However, I think it's really closedminded to say that that's all it's about or that's always what it's about or that that's what it is for every couple. And who is to say that it's necessarily a bad thing for it to be about power? On some level it is about power trips, but it's also about trust. I'm sure there are some people who do it for the power trip and some people who don't. Also, while some people enjoy humiliation as part of their BDSM practices, that doesn't mean that everyone does. And if you do, it doesn't mean you aren't "normal" or "healthy".

BDSM is, for the most part, a sexual fantasy: the fantasy of having power or the fantasy of giving up power. It's about the illusion of dominance and control. In a way, you could say that the submissive - being able to stop the action at any time by use of a "safeword" (a pre-agreed upon word, usually unrelated to sex, that when spoken indicates that one's partner wants to stop) - is actually the one in control. It is the illusion that they have given up power that is the basis of the dom/sub fantasy, not the actual loss of power.

For me, I find the ability to just let go with him and to trust someone at that level... extremely freeing.


Pat Powers said...

Nowadays a lot of people have tied their wife or husband or significant other to the bedposts and found out that bondage is just another way to have fun in bed. Doesn't mean you've become a depraved sex fiend or anything. Too bad your mom hasn't figured that out.

Will said...

sounds like she quite fancies it, but is too insecure to try it!