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February 29, 2008

Xerox of Love

We've barely written a word about Rock of Love Season 2. Don't take that to mean that we haven't been watching. Oh we've been watching... hoping for something awesome to happen. But alas, it never does. We noticed that the new ROL girls look just like cheap imitations of last season's ROL girls.


Please... you know Inna (Bret's "Ukranian Love Tank") is just a poor man's Magdalena. And why is she never discussing Peyton about who is more 'mannish' (ala Magdalena and Rodeo). Catherine's hair isn't as awesome as Heather's ever was. And while Frenchie's stripteases might have been... um... more naked than Heather's, they definitely weren't better. When Aubry (who bears a striking resemblance to Alexis Arquette) got all naggy and relationshippy about Bret ignoring her or Kristy Jo cried again, all we could do was wish for one of Sam's neurotic breakdowns or Rodeo's combo cry/laugh/wheeze.

When Megan calls Bret her "boyfriend" we just don't buy it. (You're no Brandi C., Megan! Even if you do sort of look vaguely like a younger, smaller-breasted Erin). When we see Jessica and wonder "Who is that? Will they ever let her speak on camera?" it's not the same as when we would see Mia and wonder "Who is that? Will they ever let her speak on camera?" (Well okay, we guess that one's kinda close).

None of the "musicians" go on and on about being a musician as much as Lacey did. There seem to be a few musicians this year, but we're not even sure who they all are because they don't repeatedly tell us about it! The 'oops I'm not sending anyone home' surprise gimmick from last week would've been shocking... if he hadn't already pulled that with Tiffany of all people.

The petty backstabbing and bickering is just laaaaame compared to last season (e.g., Megan hiding Peyton's notes or the whole non-existant controversy with Kristy Jo "talking shit" after the Stroller Derby - boring!) There isn't even enough "SAY IT TO MY FACE!" or "I'M REALLY HERE FOR LOVE" or "SHE'S NOT RIGHT FOR BRET" or even "CIRCUS TITS".

We haven't been subjected to "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" as much, there isn't enough pole dancing, no one's been thrown in the pool, no one has threatened anyone with a good time, and Bret isn't even as turned on as he was last season!

And then there's Daisy, this season's apparent front-runner (so far). Wow. What can we say about Daisy? If all the other girls are low-budget versions of last year's girls... Daisy can only be a female version of Bret himself. (Because you know if Bret was a chick he'd be annoying and have fake boobs).

Honestly, we think that's part of the problem. This season has too much Bret Michaels. Last season we loved watching him act and talk (and dress!) ridiculously. This season: Been There, Done That. So we were thinking about persuading VH1 to consider some other stars and other concepts if they're planning on doing a third season...

~Igloo of Love with Snow (maybe he can finally tell us what that Informer song was supposed to be all about, and Vanilla Ice can always guest star)
~Block of Love with the New Kids On The Block
~Cock of Love with Ron Jeremy
~Frock of Love with Tim Gunn
~Clock of Love with Flavor Flav...oh wait, never mind
~Jock of Love with the Dallas Cowboys
~Spock of Love with Leonard Nimoy
~Glock of Love (the cast of The Sopranos must have some free time these days)
~Wok of Love with Margaret Cho (we just want to see what her version of a dating show would look like because we love her)
~Rocket of Love with Roger Clemens (he's all over TV enough lately anyway, he might as well have his own dating show too)
~Socket of Love with Joe the electrician (because any random guy would be better at this point)
~Flock of Love with Flock of Seagulls
~Mockery of Love...nah, that 's more like a description of all of these stupid dating shows
~Knock Knock of Love with Carrot Top (this is how tired of Bret we are at this point)
~Shock of Love with electric eels (possibly better for the Discovery Channel)
~Shock Jock of Love with Howard Stern
~Love of Love with Courtney Love (or Jennifer Love Hewitt, mostly because J.Lo is married so there's no Jenny from the Block of Love in the near future)
~Rock of Love with professional rock climbers
~Chains of Love with 'magician' and 'escape artist' Criss Angel
~Doc of Love with Dr. Dre and/or Dr. Drew

Come on, VH1. Show us some love.

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