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June 16, 2008

gay sex in the city

So my dad thinks I'm a lesbian. It's not the first time I've been mistaken for gay and I don't have any problem with someone thinking I'm gay... but the fact remains that I'm not actually a lesbian.

Jezebel and I were away on a writing retreat this weekend (more on that very soon - stay tuned). I called my mother on Saturday to check in and she mentioned having a conversation with my father that day about me being a lesbian.

Apparently, upon hearing that Jezebel and I had gone on a weekend trip together, he had said, "So when do we finally get to meet this Jezebel? At their wedding?" Of course, my mother has met Jezebel (several times) and I vaguely remember my father meeting her at least once. (I try not to subject my friends, or even my enemies, to my father if possible). And it's not as though we were on some romantic getaway somewhere, we were at Skidmore College for the International Women's Writing Guild summer conference. Why would any self respecting heterosexual girl want to go somewhere without men? Obviously if I'm going to go hang out with only women for a weekend, I must be gay.

My mother asked my father, "What does that even mean? Why would you even say something like that?"

He went on to elaborate that there's no other reason why I would spend so much time going to the city, unless Jezebel and I were having a sexual relationship. There are so many things wrong with that statement that I almost don't know which point to address first.

I guess the first point would be that we weren't actually in this city this weekend; we were in Saratoga Springs.

The second problem with his theory would be the fact that one of the actual main reasons I'm always "going to the city", is to see my boyfriend. Yeah, boyfriend. Of course, he wouldn't know this because he's never met my boyfriend. He doesn't even know that my boyfriend exists because I see no reason for him to know about him (unless I somehow needed him to prove my sexuality of course). Another main reason I'm always "going to the city" is because it's the city. Why wouldn't I want to go there? It's an amazing place to be. In addition to the fact that I often do freelance work in city, it is also my access to the best bars, restaurants, museums, galleries, concerts, events, people, etc.

My father is the type of person who hates to go anywhere. He's always concerned about "avoiding traffic" and gets psychosomatic migraines at social events. He actually left my college graduation early because he just couldn't stand to be away from his house for that long. He also has no real friends and is a notorious womanizer, so he couldn't possibly comprehend why someone might want to leave their own neighborhood and spend time with other people unless there was sex involved.

Unfortunately though, even if I did want to have sex with Jezebel, I couldn't likely do that in the city because Jezebel doesn't actually live in the city. If she and I wanted to have a sexual relationship, we'd likely have to do it in our hometown. But I guess you can't have gay sex in the suburbs... it's just not allowed. You have to do it in the city because that's where all the cool gay stuff happens.

From now on I know that whenever my father says "going to the city", he means having gay sex.

My mother got angry at my father for making such a silly assumption and said "in order to try to maintain any type of relationship you have with your daughter, I'm not even going to tell her you said that". (Of course, she ran and told me soon after). I wasn't even annoyed to be honest. I don't think there's anything wrong with being gay. If someone thinks I'm a gay, that's fine. If the worst thing someone can say about me is to call me a lesbian... I'm really okay with that. What could he possibly call me next? A feminist!?

After talking to my mother, my 8 year old daughter got on the phone. Apparently my father had called me gay right in front of her, but lucky for me I have a very open-minded and intelligent child.

Kid: "I know you and Jezebel aren't girlfriend and girlfriend... but I'd be okay with it even if you were".

Me: "Well I hope so... because you know there's nothing wrong with being gay, right?"

Kid: "Right. I know there's nothing wrong with it. And I know you're not gay, but I wouldn't care if you were! Although... I would feel sad about one thing."

Me: "What's that?"
I was worried she would say something about not having the baby brother or sister she so desperately wants (and is unlikely to get, regardless of my sexual orientation). But no...
Kid: "I would feel sad for you that you wouldn't be able to get married in New York. You would have to go all the way to Canada".

Me: "Or we could go to California..."

Kid: "No, Canada is closer to New York than California. You should go to Canada. The good news though is that even though you can't get married in New York... when you got back to New York, they would be okay with it and they would have to believe that you were married."
I find it hilarious that my 8 year old has a better grasp on this stuff than my 58 year old father. (I take full credit for her extensive knowledge of same-sex marriage laws. No wonder people think I'm gay).

On Sunday, I reluctantly called my father to say "Happy Father's Day". I didn't mention what my mother had told me. He asked me about my trip, still unsure exactly where I was. He talked about Saratoga. He talked about the weather. He talked about trains. And finally he asked if I would be around later this week for lunch or if I would be... going to the city.

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4 comments:

patrick said...

Sex and the City seems to have a polarizing effect on both men and women... people either love the movie or they hate it

Lilith said...

That's an interesting point. Although this entry isn't actually about Sex and the City... at all. Probably more relevant to this entry. But thanks.

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

I can relate. Through most of my teen years my Dad was convinced I was gay.

If he only knew how I had to hold my notebook after *Ms.* Fish's English class every day he would have had no doubts.

I am sure that most people are not aware of the lovely little circles and swirls an attractive butt does when you are writing on a chalk board but in seventh grade what her ass did when she was writing sentences and vocabulary words on the board was the most erotic thing I had ever seen in my life.

And Dad thought guys did it for me. Pffft! :)

Nicole said...

My mom has asked me numerous times if I think my brother is gay. Her reason? Because he's very artsy and hippie-ish, and his relationships often fall apart because he tends to date commitment-phobic girls and he ends up getting really hurt. She takes his emotional, romantic, sensitive nature as a sign of femininity and thus, homosexuality.

To recap: My mom thinks my brother is gay because he likes girls so much.

Sometimes you just have to say "Hey, parents? Your generation is showing."