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September 3, 2008

Why I Should Be Vice President

A lot of people keep giving us all these reasons why Sarah Palin is qualified to be Vice President and then a lot of other people are giving all these reasons why she isn't qualified to be Vice President. For example, Sen. Lyda Green (you know, that senator that Sarah Palin thought it was hilarious to refer to as a "cancer"), president of the state Senate and a Republican from Palin's hometown of Wasilla had this to say about Palin's qualifications:

"She's not prepared to be governor. How can she be prepared to be vice president or president? Look at what she's done to this state. What would she do to the nation?" [StarTribune]

We could probably (and will probably, at some point) give a long list of reasons why Palin should not be a Vice Presidential candidate... but not right now. This is my list of why I should be a Vice Presidential nominee. You know, just in case any of those third party candidates haven't chosen their running mates yet. (Or in case Obama or McCain change their minds).

  • I'm a woman.
Duh! All this time that Hillary Clinton was running for the Democratic ticket, a lot of conservative wackos made a big deal about how a woman shouldn't be president because we women are, of course, way too emotional. (We even get PMS!) And we should totally just keep our silly heads out of politics because we have real things to do. But I realize now that it's not all women who should stay out of politics... it was just Hillary Clinton. Now all of a sudden, thanks to Sarah Palin, being a woman is a pro, not a con. Well, that's great for me, because being a woman is my #1 qualification too.

  • Not just a woman, but a mother. (That also means I "chose life").
Apparently, being a mother makes you super-qualified to be a Vice President. I never realized this. The ability to change diapers and kiss boo-boos and make peanut-butter sandwiches will totally come in handy in the White House. (At least maybe that diaper thing will... McCain is pretty old). There have always been parents in office, but I never knew that being a parent made you qualified for office!

And like many women in the U.S, including Palin's own daughter and possibly Palin herself (she did give birth to her first child only 8 months after her elopement) I also became pregnant unexpectedly. Translation: Unexpectedly = out of wedlock. And just like Palin and her daughter are being applauded for choosing life, I also chose life. (I'm very strongly pro-choice, but I did end up choosing life for myself). I was lucky enough to be able to have a choice. But I didn't get pregnant because of abstinence only "sex education" (like young Bristol probably did)... I got pregnant the old fashioned way! Lots of booze and faulty condoms. And I drove to the hospital when I went into labor, instead hopping on a long flight. So hopefully that won't hurt my chances too much.

  • I "think outside the box".
According to the Daily News, giving her children "offbeat names [like Willow and Trig] suggests Palin is an outside-the-box thinker who desperately wants to give her kids an edge." I also gave my kid an unusual name. I won't reveal what it is on here, but let's just say it's not quite as silly as naming your kid after your favorite sport (Track) but it's definitely uncommon.

And seeing as I'm a member of a blog called "Evil Slutopia", I think it's fair to make the claim that I'm not 100% conventional.

  • I have a Bachelor's Degree.
Apparently that's all you need to be VP! Sarah Palin has only a Bachelor's degree in Communications/Journalism (she minored in Poli-Sci) from a third-tier college, the University of Idaho. That's practically me! I have a B.A. in Women's Studies (which was heavy in Poli-Sci coursework and gives me particular insight to all those boring "women's issues" we care so much about) with a concentration in Creative Writing.

(By the way, Joe Biden double-majored in history and political science at the University of Delaware and then got a Juris Doctor from Syracuse Law; Barack Obama's law degree is from Harvard; both Hillary and Bill Clinton have JD's from Yale. Just FYI).

  • I'm at least borderline-hot.
I've never officially been in a beauty pageant, because I think those things are super lame and generally sexist (although I did win "best hair" in high school). I may not be a supermodel, but I'm a little bit of a MILF and I think Rush Limbaugh would at least consider me a "babe".

  • I laugh at totally offensive, inappropriate stuff too.
Of course, I'd never call someone a "cancer" (especially not a cancer survivor, geez) but I think that this blog at least proves that we're not exactly 100% politically correct all the time. So I think that my insensitivity and in-poor-taste sense of humor should be a plus. (I also like the word "cunt", so maybe McCain should be on my side too. I wonder how they feel about "slut").

  • I'm no stranger to scandal.
Just like Palin, I've got some controversies in my background check too (including that whole premarital sex thing). Like Palin, I've smoked some weed back in the day and like her I did inhale... and I have also been accusing of abusing my power in the past. And I too used to think that Alaska should separate from the U.S. (Actually, I'd love for all of the red states to just sail off into the ocean and just leave the ).

  • I'm totally inexperienced, but that doesn't really matter.
I've got plenty of experience "running things" (I run my own family business and I co-run this blog with my lovely evil slutty sisters) but I don't have nearly enough political experience to try to become President. Unless I take the long route to the presidency (you know, like by being VP to a very old guy with a chance of a skin cancer recurring). And like Sarah Palin, I don't know what the VP technically does either.

Also, I'm a bonafide member of the PTA, like Sarah Palin was, so if I can deal with PTA politics I can totally handle Washington. (Plus my neighborhood has more than twice the population of the town where Palin got all her "executive experience"). Of course I don't have any foreign policy experience, which is something they really slammed Obama for... but I guess that's not a requirement anymore.

Maybe I'll have to wait til 2012... Jezebel/Lilith on the "Evil Slut Party" ticket.

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