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November 9, 2008


The guys I date almost always end up in the blog (or some other form of my writing). It's inevitable. Not only do we all use the blog as free therapy... but we also have had a lot of silly/crazy/stupid things happen to us that just deserve to be shared with the world. Sometimes I'll wait until the "relationship" is over before I mock them on the blog.

I know most of them don't read Evil Slutopia anyway, so it's usually not that big of a deal. Although one of my exes did find the blog and guessed that I was a part of it. (Oops). I guess some of these stories are kind of identifiable. Even though we don't put our real names on here, we're still revealing a lot sometimes so it's possible for those who really know us to guess who we are. That could never stop me from being open and honest on here, but yeah, I guess it's nice to be semi-anonymous.

It isn't just the exes who show up on the pages of Evil Slutopia. We've written a lot about our crazy friends on here too. (Have you seen I Read While He Plays Video Games yet?) All "artists" - be they writers, musicians, comedians, etc. - use material from their lives.

Considering how open I am about writing about the people in my life, you'd think I'd be okay with other people using me as inspiration for their art. Um, yeah. I'm not completely sure how I really feel about that. I guess that makes me a hypocrite? On the one hand, it's always flattering to know that you've made a lasting enough impression on a person or served as an inspiration. On the other hand, it can be kind of embarrassing to see your flaws exaggerated and turned into "art".

A long time ago I was "dating" (I use the term very very loosely, only for lack of a better one) a musician and was kind of the inspiration for a song. Isn't that such a cliché? I guess to have a song written for you is a dream of many women... however this song kinda sucked. It was sappy and silly and full of inconsistent tenses and mixed metaphors and contained at least one use of the word "thee".

Luckily he took it back. Yeah, that's right. He wrote a song for me, based on a conversation we once had (don't ask) and then he took it back. The rest of the band took a look at his horrible lyrics and helped him "rework" them (they were pretty bad) and eventually the song evolved into something very different and much better. They scrapped everything except one line that went on to focus the rest of the song in a different direction.

He actually sat me down to break the news to me that the song wasn't technically about me anymore, which was hilarious in and of itself, because I hated the song and really didn't have a problem relinquishing it as mine. The conversation went a little something like this:
Him: So listen, the song is no longer technically just about you now...
Me: Well, it wasn't really about me anyway.
Him: It was. You sprung it.
Me: Nah, I know our conversation inspired it, but it wasn't really about me. So if it evolves into something else that can make it an amazing song, that's good.
Him: Oh okay, phew.
Me: Please tell me you didn't think I'd be like "that's my song!!" I'm not psychotic.
I still consider myself to be the seed of inspiration that started the song - even if it turned out to be about something else as it evolved - and if they're ever on Behind the Music I will have to come forward claim it. I saved a copy of the original terrible lyrics. (No, I'm not going to post them here). Let's just say I wouldn't really want to lay claim to it in its original form.

The day that I listened to the final version for the first time, was also the night I met his new girlfriend, which was sort of perfect in a cosmic kind of way. I didn't particularly love the final version either, but honestly it was much better than the original and I did buy a copy of the CD when it came out a year and a half later. I can admit all this now because he likely won't be reading this and I don't really care if he does, because he turned out to be somewhat of a tool. I believe the band has "disbanded" by now anyway.

More recently, I dated a stand-up comic (because a sense of humor is fucking sexy). Of course, I didn't realize that no good could come of dating a comedian! At first I wanted him to write a joke about me, mainly because he had so many bits about his ex-girlfriend. Of course, when your boyfriend is a comic... putting you in his act likely means making fun of you! Oops.

I thought the jokes about me (or really, about him dating me) were funny, but sometimes I was a little embarrassed. Like when I would be sitting backstage with his comic friends at the show and they'd give me that sideways glance... probably wondering how much of the joke was actually true. (Usually 50%).

In addition to adding a few jokes about me to his routine, he also wrote a New York Magazine sex diary based on an early stage in our relationship. No my name is not really Jen, but it's definitely about me. I did get a little bit of satisfaction (now that we're broken up) from the unfavorable comments readers left on the piece:
...10 acts of grossing me out, 6 acts of not being funny....

i get the s&m part but not the comedian portion of the title description

this is the first sex diary i've read here that immediately came off as complete, utter bullshit.
They're right about it not being that funny, although I'm not sure if it was supposed to be or not. He comes off as a real douchebag in some parts. But I have to admit that it's not bullshit. It's 98% truthful, 2% exaggeration (a tiny bit of creative embellishment)... but 0% lies. The cock ring was actually a Christmas present and I did end up trying out the ball gag later after all, just for the record.

Right now, my absolute biggest fear is that he will add intimate stories about our breakup to his act. It was one thing to be in a joke when we were dating and happy... it's quite another to be mocked publicly after a messy split. Of course, I have absolutely no grounds to complain really because I no longer have any control over what he does. (Not that I really ever had much control, but at least in the past he at least pretended to respect my feelings). And it's not as though I haven't written about him on the blog (and well, I'm doing it right now again). But on here, at least I'm mostly anonymous. Only a few people of our mutual friends and acquaintances know that I am a member of this blog (and I'm pretty sure none of them read it). When he's on stage with a mic and a room full of friends who know me... yeah, that sucks. I can't even say anything if he does it, because I'd have no right to be mad... but I will definitely be really hurt if the most painful, private moments of my worst heartbreak were turned into jokes. I'll be so hurt that I'll probably spend a day crying and throwing things. And then maybe I will reveal all of the deepest darkest secrets he ever told me! Nah. I'm better than that. I'll probably just do the crying and throwing things part.

Whatever happens, I will take it in stride because I get what I deserve. It's my fault for dating comedians and musicians and other attention whores in the first place. Next time around, I'm going to date a mime instead (because if he decides to mime the story of our breakup, people will just think he's stuck in a box or something).

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Dollface said...

I read the sex diary and it's not funny in the slightest. The guy comes off as a total douche.

I know what it's like to have a sappy song written for you. However, the guy who wrote it for me wasn't in a band, didn't know how to use grammar, and was kind of stalking me. Such is life, huh?

Anonymous said...

You let that guy cum on your face!?