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May 18, 2009

Field Report: Yes, Guys Are Still Dumb

The Evil Slut Clique, here... reporting from behind enemy lines, bringing you the latest developments on the Dumb Things Guys Say front.

We would like to report that guys are still dumb and saying dumb things to us at bars. They are still using the shy friend line and the faux-birthday line. Last week both lines were used in combination, for the double whammy: "My friend is really shy and it's his birthday". (Contrary to popular belief, using two lines at once is not twice as effective. In fact, they sort of cancel each other out.) Also, if you are going to pretend that your friend is shy, pick a believable friend. The guy in the loud t-shirt talking to 3 girls at once... we're not going to believe he's shy.

A never-before-heard brand new line was discovered: "Does this shirt hide my beer belly?" Our hypothesis is that this line will not become popular nor will it ever generate many positive results.

Wordless approach: The creepy stare will not get you anything more than a "you're creepy". Unfortunately, we found that the "you're creepy" does backfire. We moved to another area of the bar to get away from Creepy, but Creepy's cousin (we'll call him Creepy Sr.) followed us. Apparently "you're creepy" wasn't clear enough, because he thought we were into his cousin Creepy. We made it clear, that no, he's creepy... "come, let's go make fun of him then". Yeah, because we really want to go back to the creepy. We humored him for a few minutes, while he repeatedly called us beautiful... until he "accidentally" touched my boobs. Yeah. So we told him to fuck off and turned our backs to him.
Creepy Sr: "You're ugly anyway!"
Evil Sluts: "You just called us beautiful."

Creepy Sr: "You have no respect for people."
Evil Sluts: "Well, you have no respect for boundaries, so I guess we're even."

Creepy Sr: "You're just ugly bitches."
Evil Sluts: "Then why are you still here?"
A growing phenomenon: The "are you girls fun?" line. Probably about three or four people have already asked us that question in the past few months. (It must be in the newest edition of The Game or something). Now this really begs the question - does anyone ever answer "no"? Don't we all think we're fun, even if we're not? Or wouldn't you at least claim to be fun, even if you didn't think you really were? (The obvious exception would be if you're just saying that you're not fun in order to get rid of the dumb guy who just asked you if you're fun.)
Dumb Guy: "Are you fun?"
Evil Slut: "No, I'm incredibly boring and kind of a bitch".
We noticed another classic Pick-Up Artist approach in action... "Can you settle an argument...? Do drunk 'I love you's count?" (At least it was better than "Do you floss before or after you brush?") Our answer: If you're just tipsy - maybe. If you're fall down puke in the street drunk - no. During sex - definitely not. In fact, I don't think you can be held accountable for anything you say drunk during sex.

We got such a textbook PUA routine from these guys that we started looking around for hidden cameras and tall men in furry hats. Seriously, we're talking the whole shebang: peacocking, negs, kino escalation, leading, even an attempt at a number close. And we're sorry for dropping all that stupid slang, but we're very advanced in our "Seducation"(Seduction Education - I'm totally trademarking that term).

Actually, at one point I performed a little test just to confirm that we were, in fact, dealing with a group of guys that had many episodes of The Pickup Artist still saved on their DVRs at home. After I touched him or he touched me or something or other (it was a very scientific experiment, but there was Corona involved so I don't remember exactly, but the guy looked like Pete Wentz so it might have been after I touched his elaborate hipster hair sculpture, but I digress), I jokingly said, "that was like that pickup artist technique where you make an excuse to touch the person. There's a name for that but I don't remember what it is." Without missing a beat, he replied, "it's called kino!", which of course I already knew, but that answer told me everything else that I needed to know.

Pete Wentz also did something that we knew was an inevitable development but still made us kinda sad. Instead of asking for a phone number, he went with "hey, are you on facebook? I'll add you from my phone!" Ah, the sweeping romance.

Inevitable outcome of revealing that we're bloggers: "You write a blog? Are you gonna blog me?" Really, most guys ask if we're going to blog about them, but this guy - who requested that he be known as Frank the Exotic Fisherman on the blog - kept using it in that way. "I've been blogged before... Am I going to get blogged again?" Sorta makes it sound a little dirty, doesn't it? Apparently, in his last experience with a blogger he was tricked into believing that the young woman he was talking to was (and I quote) "a female butcher". Wow. Exciting stuff. Anyway, congratulations "Frank" - you got what you wanted. You've been blogged.

The winner this week of the absolute-worst-thing-you-can-say-to-a-woman-at-a-bar...
Dumb Guy: "Are those real or fake?"
Trust me guys, no actual woman is going to answer: "they're real! don't believe me? feel them!" More likely you're going to get a slap in the face or a drink in your lap. In my case, I looked down at my drink... thought about it for a minute... and then said "I just paid for this, so I'm not going to waste it".

Okay, now that we wrote about our night out at the bar last weekend... we can write off those drinks we had as a business expense. Right?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

F'ing hilarious. Keep up the good work