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June 11, 2009

Topless Tearoom Torched Tragically

We have a very special guest blog today. At least, I think it's very special because it was written by my brother. You can trust that he's cool because he's one of our few relatives who knows what our blog is called but has no desire to give us either The Look or The Speech every time the subject comes up. And when he decided to write this blog and we talked about the whole biblical nickname thing, he came up with the name Astaroth and explained that he thought it would be fitting because there are stories about Astaroth being a demon who was a fallen angel, and was willing to tell anyone who would listen the story of how the whole God v. Satan thing went down as long as you didn't hold him responsible for any of it. This is our favorite part of the description: "...a demon of the First Hierarchy, who seduces by means of laziness, vanity, and rationalized philosophies." The blog is about a story that came out last week about a topless coffee shop in Maine that was deliberately burned down. We can understand that people have different opinions about this type of business and that some people might have concerns about having a place like that in their community, but I think we can all agree that arson is not the appropriate way to address those concerns.

For those of you who are unaware (which is essentially everyone not in the room where this is being written), I am the brother of Jezebel who has on more than one occasion been told “write for my blog!” Now that I am a college graduate (read: unemployed), I find such writing to be a wonderful way to twist her arm into buying me lunch instead of chipping away at my meager funds through the dollar menu. Thanks sis!

Now, as I said I’m all man and also completely straight, and one would think I’m out of place writing for this blog until you find out I have carte blanche to write about pretty much whatever I like. And, given the previous revelation of my gender and sexual orientation, it should come as no surprise that I like tits, naughty bits, mammary glands, etc. [We've had male guest bloggers before so if anything here qualifies as "out of place", it's the fact that I have to edit a blog that's all about how much my little brother loves breasts.] So, any establishment that allows me to both purchase coffee that I’m not going to drink while simultaneously ogling well-endowed women and not getting promptly arrested in the process is one I will gladly give my business to. When that business also seems to be treating its employees well and follows an equal opportunity policy of having both male and female baristas topless, even better! Thus, it pains me to hear of such establishments running into minor roadblocks like being burned down hours after city planning meetings.

Allow me to sum up the situation: the cops know it was deliberate, and unless everyone in that town just happened to buy large quantities of ignition fluid in the past week, chances are they’re going to track down the person(s) involved pretty quick-like. And the fact that it happened right after the city planning meeting kinda narrows the suspects a bit. What exactly did the fiendish owner of this blatant blight against all that is good and proper want from the planning committee? Stripper poles? More basement space for his illegal meth lab? Meat lockers in the basement? Egads!

Actually, he just wanted more parking.

So let me get this straight, the folks that dislike this establishment because they might happen to catch sight of a boob or pec that doesn’t belong to their significant other put in motion an ordinance to “regulate nudity at local businesses.” S’all well and good, and I might even support that ordinance depending on what exactly it’s all about, but I diverge from the pack once they start down the mental road that ends with “you know what’s a healthy way to solve this problem? Arson. Hey Bob, get the matches!”

Really, who were they hurting with this coffeehouse? If nothing else it gave old folks something to go “tut tut” about (do old people really do that?) and yet another reason for militant dickwads to stock up on ammo for the righteous biblical beatdown that will one day befall the hedonistic Gomorrah that is Maine. If the store really offends you that much, I have a simple solution to the problem: don’t go in that fucking store! The rest of us would very much like to continue gazing longingly at bare-chested baristas while pretending to drink our coffee, thankyouverymuch.

Plus, the arsonist put all of those people out of work in this crappy economy, not to mention dumping almost $300k of the owner’s money straight down the toilet. I’m just not following the train of thought here, but then again Crazy Train is a song to me and not a frequent mode of mental transportation.


Anonymous said...

Her whole family is preditory. That father of hers complaining HARD about his $150,000/year salary.
Now we all know where she gets it.
Should be automated anyways. You let the blacks in New Orleans off.
Barely skilled labor.
Reincarnated as milking cows, ironically.

Jezebel said...

This anonymous commenter has made so many...interesting points that we couldn't possibly address them all in a short little comment. Stay tuned.


And our response to Anonymous is live: Author's Alliteration Assailed!