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August 23, 2009

Brand New Amazing Invention!

So as you may already know, we always pick up a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine when we travel. Cosmo has taught us many things over the years - how to stay safe by planting a cactus, how to save money by eating dinner at the grocery store, how to get guys to like you by pretending to like sports, how to stop being insecure by acting like a man, and of course, how to prevent looking like a slut by not having sex too soon - but we were not prepared for the groundbreaking discovery described in the August 2009 issue...

There's this new fangled invention called personal lubricant. Although we hear the kids today are calling it "lube". I know it sounds crazy, but it's true... Cosmo said that if we use this lube stuff, we can turn our man into an orgasm whisperer. (That's actually the title of the article: "Turn Him Into the Orgasm Whisperer"). If you don't believe us you can pick up a copy and check out pages 122-125 and learn all about this amazing totally brand new product that apparently no one has ever heard of before.

Lubrication is very important... not just because dry sex can be a real pain (literally) but because if you're not wet enough it will totally traumatize your man.

...psychologically, dryness can have an even more negative and traumatizing effect on his libido. "While a guy may logically know that a woman's wetness has nothing to do with his sexual prowess, subconsciously, he still may think he's not enough in bed to arouse her"

Cosmo was kind enough to explain exactly how to use lube - because it's really hard to figure out on your own - and even gave some sexy suggestions for ways to use it. For example, they suggested putting it in your vagina or on your man's penis. Who would've thought?! Apparently, you can use it during sex, awesome idea! There are all kinds of lube and each one is specially designed for Cosmo's "advanced tricks" including:
You can also use lube to "surprise him with a hand job" - you know, for anyone that still actually gives handjobs. They even suggest using it in substitute of massage oil... because as we all know there aren't any actual massage oils on the market.

Bottom line: There isn't a spot on your body that lube can't go.
Yes, according to Cosmo, you can use lube anywhere... except you know... um... in your bottom line. We had heard this crazy rumor that you can also use lube for anal sex, but Cosmo doesn't mention it so it probably isn't true. Also, Cosmo doesn't mention use of lube with sex toys of any kind... because I guess a woman doesn't need one if she has her very own "Orgasm Whisperer." (Heh.)


Anonymous said...

My god, I hate Cosmo. Seriously, everyone and their brother has heard of lube and they should know that! Every woman who has a sex toy (which apparently they don't, sorry, I forgot you're always right, Cosmo) has lube.

Rachel said...

I know what they mean by "orgasm whisperer," but it's still giving me this image in my head of a guy whispering frantically as he comes. And now I wish I could get the image out of my head. Thanks, Cosmo.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I still give a hand-job now and then!

And, not every woman has a sex toy hellosaraid.

Anonymous said...

Oh wait hellosaraid, I read that wrong.

tehfanglyfish said...

"it's still giving me this image in my head of a guy whispering frantically as he comes. And now I wish I could get the image out of my head"

This! Cosmo is just freaking odd. I also have to say that when I lived in a small (as in holy crap tiny) town, the women I worked with there knew about lube and they didn't even have the interwebs and probably didn't read Cosmo either. Because KY is such a freaking secret. Not that I'm a big fan of KY, but hell, they have their own freaking television commercials. So, um, yeah... not really that much of a secret these days.

Mel said...

Hey, don't knock the handjob! With plenty of lube (which I couldn't POSSIBLY have discovered without Cosmos's help. Thanks Cosmo! /snark) and creativity it can be loads of fun for both parties involved. My bf definitely prefers a handjob now and then. Variety is the spice of life after all.

P.S. I can't believe my first ever comment on this site after months of visiting is in defence of the handjob...BTW, great site.


So...wait...people still give handjobs? Hmm. Interesting. We may have to investigate this phenomenon further.

Anonymous said...

Of course people still give handjobs! First of all, it's so uncommon now that it feels dirty. It's also fun for a quickie in the back of a movie theatre, for example... And it's an important component of a rough and dirty blowjob now and then, too.

Orgasm whisperer makes me think of a guy lying with his head down there, whispering to my vagina and trying to talk it into having an orgasm.

Nan said...

The handjob has increased in popularity in my house over the summer, and I agree it is odd. In situations like: she comes first, it's late, finish him off by hand; mutual masterbation; and as an essential element of a BJ.

Nan said...

Oh, and btw, I love Cosmo. Even when inane, it is always a source of some new or long-forgotten maneuver to spice things up.