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August 6, 2009

Think Like a Stereotype, Act Like a Stereotype

Yeah, we're still writing about that August '09 issue of Cosmo. As you know, we bought it to keep us entertained on the plane to Chicago for BlogHer. (Because Daisy of Love can only distract us for so long).

When we flipped it open, we immediately noticed an article full of really sexist generalizations: Think Like a Lady, Act Like a Man (I know what you're thinking... sexist generalizations in Cosmo? Shocking). In it, Mina Azodi advises women to pretty much trade one totally offensive sexist stereotype for another totally offensive sexist stereotype. Yay, fun!

Think Like a Lady: Shit, I have a pimple, and it's ginormous. I hope my guy doesn't notice it.

Act Like a Man: Point it out to him and make a joke, like, "Look, I grew a third nipple. Sexy, huh?"

Generalize like Cosmo: Women are insecure and self-conscious about their looks. Men are immature and gross.

Think Like a Lady: I need to find my boyfriend a birthday present he'll love.

Act Like a Man: Remember the gift he really liked last year? Buy that, but in a different color.
Generalize like Cosmo: Women love to shop! (And talk about shopping.) And to make men happy. Men are thoughtless and unimaginative.

Think Like a Lady: I should brush up on current events so I'll have some convo starters for this cocktail party.

Act Like a Man: Memorize a few jokes from Dane Cook's new stand-up routine. Recite them whenever there's a lull in conversation.

Generalize like Cosmo: The only reason to be knowledgeable about current events is for cocktail party chit chat. Women are insecure and don't want anyone to find out that they're actually really stupid. Men don't care if everyone thinks they're stupid. Men think Dane Cook is actually funny.

Think Like a Lady: Time for my monthly Brazilian torture. Awesome.

Act Like a Man: Let it grow. Proudly give it a nickname, like your Lady Jungle.

Generalize like Cosmo: Women are obsessed with taming their lady parts - of course, so they can make their men happy. (If you're a real "lady" that obviously means you wax). Men don't care about personal grooming. (They clearly don't have any incentive to make blow jobs easier on their significant others).

Think Like a Lady: I'm not sure if my idea is any good, but maybe I will suggest it.

Act Like a Man: Interrupt whoever is talking and say you have the million-dollar solution.
Generalize like Cosmo: Women are insecure. Men are rude and conceited. There is no option in between these two extremes.

Think Like a Lady: If I get the large fries, I won't fit into my skinny jeans.

Act Like a Man: Supersize it and unbutton your stretch low-riders.
Generalize like Cosmo: Women are always dieting. Because they're insecure. Men are pigs. And possibly fat. (But it's okay, because they're men).

Think Like a Lady: I'll watch TV after I do laundry and about 10 other things that are on my to-do list.

Act Like a Man: Sit on couch. Death-grip remote. Scan HD channels for Vince Vaughn or soft porn.

Generalize like Cosmo: Only women take care of their responsibilities. Men are lazy and love porn.

Think Like a Lady: What crawled up the boss's ass today? I hope she isn't pissed at me.

Act Like a Man: Blame her bad mood on PMS, because it can't possibly be you.

Generalize like Cosmo: Women are insecure at work... except when they have PMS and then become crazy bitchy. That's why we should only let men be in positions of authority. (Also because all men think that women are hormonal, crazy, and/or bitchy, they'd never respect a female boss anyway.)

Think Like a Lady: Shut up! I don't really look good in that picture. My hair is all crazy.

Act Like a Man: Actually accept the damn compliment... and believe it.

Generalize like Cosmo: Women are insecure. Men are conceited.

Think Like a Lady: That girl is so much skinnier/prettier/smarter than I am.

Act Like a Man: Console yourself by rationalizing that your G-spot is probably bigger than hers.

Generalize like Cosmo: Women are still insecure. Men are obsessed with penis size.

Notice the recurring theme of women being constantly insecure about everything? And we thought Cosmo was supposed to be the magazine for "fun fearless females". I guess in order to be fun and fearless... we have to be less female?


Jen said...

Good to know that I can stop paying attention to current events cause I don't have any cocktail parties coming up. Thanks Cosmo!

marymac said...

Supersize my ass, Cosmo.(oops, wait, i think the french fries have already done that...)
Cosmo: 1955 is the on the phone and they want their apron and their Archie Bunker back.

Not Hannah said...

Ugh. So glad I can't afford to buy this shitty magazine.

Seeing Eye Chick said...

Holy Fuck! First I saw this link at another Blog, Evil Slutopia! WOW. Gotta Look at that.

Then I discover at least from the first post, that there might possibly be other females who use their brains.

I do eat the fries and unbutton my jeans, They aren't those low riders though. I hate plumbers butt, especially on me. And I probably am Fat. My Lady Jungle, I like to jazz it up with some glitter and battery powered Xmas lights, and then dance around of my roof and make obscene gestures at aircraft unlucky enough to pass over my house for flight path.

Guys won't shave their lady jungles because they think its like gay porn penis. A lot of male insecurity there. Though it makes it look bigger if it doesn't look appear that their weiner is trying to escape a hairball you found in your bathtub drain after snaking it with an unbent wire hanger.


Cosmo is like the entertainment tonight of rags for females. Its not really something I could ever get into.

First of all I don't live near either cost nor do I have the kind of disposable income to buy the clothes or baubles they advertise. I have problem skin, giant feet, gorilla thighs, and I don't tan. Clearly Cosmo isn't speaking to my kind.

 phagina said...

lol! This is pretty hilarious!

Well not that the magazine actually maintains subscribers, but that their articles are so friggin lame.

Does it make people angry b/c they're annoyed w/ the magazine itself? Or is it annoying b/c of the fact that girls continue subscribing/purchasing and reading it, and thus we get irritated when the mentality of young girls is reflected back at us?

If tons of people didn't love it, cosmo wouldn't be around anymore - would it?

Or is it the magazine's fault that girls read it?

Seeing Eye Chick said...

How About Neither. Cosmo isn't for me. If I think its lame, I just don't buy it. Until now I havent thought about it in years except for fleeting moments where it was the butt of a joke on various movies or television shows. If Cosmo makes other people happy, then that's great. More power to them. I neither need nor require Cosmo's approval for my existence as basically the antithesis of its Female ideal. In fact I find that I rarely fit into anyone's female ideal. I mean it is very difficult to remain empowered if you allow others to put you in a box with a label. It limits your options if you accept that.

Comrade PhysioProf said...

Brilliant takedown!

BTW, here via your link at Feministe SSPS.

ceirdwenfc said...

...I like to jazz it up with some glitter and battery powered Xmas lights, and then dance around of my roof...

Guys won't shave their lady jungles because they think its like gay porn penis. A lot of male insecurity there. Though it makes it look bigger if it doesn't look appear that their weiner is trying to escape a hairball you found in your bathtub drain after snaking it with an unbent wire hanger.


Possibly TMI Seeing Eye Chick, but I choked on a pretzel I was laughing so hard.

That's all. What can I say about a magazine that I don't read except for the excerpts here.