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September 22, 2009

Cosmo Quickie: Fake STD Revenge?

In the October 2009 issue of Cosmopolitan, "The Naughtiest Thing I've Ever Done" confession-of-the-month...
I was 18 and a virgin at the time, and things got serious quickly. [...] Little did I know, he was a secret slimeball.
How do these people get these articles published? How!? Every month's "confession" is stupid - and likely fake - but this one just made absolutely no sense whatsoever.

About seven months into our relationship, I noticed that a few girls were acting weird around me at work. I knew a lot of them had crushes on Drew, so I figured they were just jealous. But one day, another coworker pulled me aside to tell me that she had heard rumors Drew had hooked up with those girls. I surreptitiously investigated the claims and found out that Drew had kept himself busy, sleeping with five girls at work while we were dating.

I was devastated and, even more than that, pissed. This douche bag had been telling me he loved me while sleeping with chicks we worked with who, ahem, weren't even that cute. [emphasis ours]

Wait... what difference does it make if they're not "that cute"? Would it be better or worse if they were cuter? I know she's mad that they slept with her man, but still... isn't that a little bitchy?
I debated for a few days about what to do and decided against an unsatifying confrontation. Instead, I got even. I had taken acting lessons in high school and could cry on cue. So I called Drew and turned on the waterworks. I told him I had just gotten back from the doctor, and she suspected that I had an STD. Since I had been a virgin when we met, knew he wouldn't blame me. Despite his cheating ways, he was a semidecent guy, and I knew that he would feel obligated to call the other girls right away and tell them to get tested.
Hm... I'm sorry, but this doesn't make sense to me. In order to get even with him, she pretended that she had an STD. If he's such a slimeball, then how could she be sure he would "feel obligated" to inform his other sex partners? (I mean, doesn't the fact that he had other sex partners in the first place kind of refute that whole "caring about your partner's health" thing a little bit?) And why would anyone who was cheating on his girlfriend inform their extramarital partners of a "suspected" STD until it was confirmed? Why get in trouble before you have to be?
And why was she so sure he wouldn't blame her? Yes, she was a virgin when they started dating... but one of the best ways for a cheater to deflect attention off of their dirty deeds is to blame the other person. I've dated enough cheaters to know how they work - the worse their infidelities, the more suspicious and jealous they are.
Throughout the next week, I saw multiple girls pull Drew aside at work and curse him out. Turns out, they didn't know about one another and were upset to learn they were just another notch on his bedpost. Part of me felt bad for stressing them out, but given that they had screwed a guy who they knew had a girlfriend, I figured they had it coming.
This part is also... um, quizzical. These girls knew they were screwing someone who had a girlfriend. Yet they're shocked and upset that that he was also screwing someone else? Hello... he was cheating on his girlfriend! You think he was being faithful to you? Yeah, of course, you were another notch on his bedpost... you weren't his fucking girlfriend, that was your coworker!
A few days later, I called Drew and told him that my doctor had called and said everything was fine - it was a false alarm. I never let him know I knew he cheated (I thought my revenge was good enough) but told him it was best if we stopped dating.

We continued working together for another year - a very lonely 12 months for Drew. Once word spread that he'd had an STD scare, no one would go near him. He went from being fawned over to not being able to get any girls on the job.

Somehow the STD scare made him an untouchable, but no one cared that she had the same STD scare? She took a pretty bad gamble on that one. Everyone knew they were dating... so wouldn't everyone assume she had the same scare? If anything, she was the only woman at the store that everyone knew had slept with Drew (vs. the other women there who it was rumored he'd slept with). How could she be so sure he wouldn't blame her to everyone? Plus, since when is a "scare" such a turn off? (It's 2009 - even an actual STD isn't always the end of the world.)

Why is this in Cosmo magazine? What lesson can we, as readers, learn from this story? Is this a cautionary tale or a "you go girl" empowerment story?

There is nothing to celebrate about a stupid passive aggressive prank like this one. She should have confronted him for cheating on her, instead of letting him think he got away with it. Revenge is so much sweeter when you can take credit for it. And as far as revenge goes, it's pretty tame. She let him think he had an STD for about a week. Big deal. (She should've at least made him go get tested and have a Q-tip shoved up his penis). He became an "untouchable" at work, but there are other places to meet women. I bet he wasn't nearly as lonely outside of work as she thinks.

The news that should have spread was that he cheated on her. STDs can go away with antibiotics but you know the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater". (I'm not necessarily saying this is true, but plenty of people certainly feel that way.) I would've told off the girls who were sleeping with him too. I'm not a fan of slut-shaming, but lying and cheating are worth feeling ashamed of.

I'm really starting to be convinced that Cosmo will print just about anything. I swear, that magazine is all just filler to fit between the advertisements.

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