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September 19, 2009

Cosmo Quickies for October

There are a few articles from this month's issue of Cosmopolitan magazine that definitely need to be addressed (and well, mocked) but for now, here are some Cosmo Quickies from October 2009...

  • Hooking Up
In Cosmo's "Hot Sheet" the #1 trend on the rise is... gigolos. (Specifically, Thomas Jane's character on Hung and Dustin Miligan's character in the new movie Extract.)Yep, male prostitutes are totally in right now. I wonder if this would be featured in the magazine if it was female prostitutes?
  • Magazine Filler
Why does Audrina Patridge get an entire page in Cosmo? Or you know, why is she in Cosmo at all? Or... why is she in any magazine?
  • Sexy vs. Skanky
On the sexy side is "Being edgy" and on the skanky side is "picking wedgies". Oooh! Rhyming is fun! The photo is a lovely ass-shot of Victoria Silvstedt, apparently at the beach. What we find skanky is the fact that the papparazzi are taking up-close photos of Victoria Silvstedt picking her wedgie and Cosmo magazine felt the need to print it. Yeah, that's skanky.
  • Speaking of dumb advice...
In "The Guy Report", there's a little section called "Dumb Advice Guys Are Getting", that features a piece of dating advice from some website for guys. Pot kettle black much, Cosmo?
  • When He Eats Too Fast
"If he routinely finishes his meals long before you do, being in sync and savoring your relationship may not be priorities for him." Or... maybe he's just a fast eater. Or maybe you're a slow eater? Yes, it's true that people's actions can sometimes be indicative of deeper things... but come on.
  • The Shoulder Pad Debate
In the September issue they advised us not to wear big shoulder pads because it would make us look manly. Now in October "bigger, bolder shoulders" are in because they project an "in-control image". Thanks for the tip Cosmo!
  • Hairy Hotties
More filler! A full-page collage of male celebrities who are "displaying their stubble and chest pelts" and are "sporting man jungles". Only... they're kind of not. It's like if a guy forgets to shave one day he's considered hairy now? I mean, the list includes a Jonas brother (Kevin) for chrissakes!
  • Cosmo Sex Mad Libs!
In "The Two Hottest Things You Can Say in Bed", it is recommended that you say "I love it when you [verb] my [body part]." Not that it's necessarily bad advice, but did they really need to create a formula to make us understand? (The other hottest thing you can say is "I'm coming".)
  • Strippers are not Hookers
In "What He's Really Doing at a Bachelor Party", Cosmo warns readers:
"...dudes in their 20s are more likely than their older friends to along when, say, the stripper is doling out private performances in the bedroom."
So... now strippers are also prostitutes? What kind of "private performances" are they doling out in the bedroom?
  • Doctors Who Hate Hyphens
Travis Stork, MD, of The Doctors discusses some "Sex 911" scenarios and makes up some words! Sorry, but "extravigorous", "postsex" and "midbooty" are not real words - at least not without some spaces or hyphens thrown in there.
  • The Truth Comes Out!
Cosmo does think that the Jonas Brothers are cheesy!! They admit it! In "The Crazy Way We Met" they wrote "We're all for a good romance, but most are cheesier than a Jonas Brothers song." Oh snap! But I guess this begs the question why are you always printing pictures of them then!?
  • Being Cocky
Eight times when it "pays to be cocky"... #8 is when "you are redesigning your company's Website... and have no freakin' idea what you're doing." Um... if you have no freakin' idea what you're doing, maybe it's not the time to be cocky. It goes on to compare it to learning to ride a motorcycle... "the people who lent you the motorcycle or hired you for the job think you can do it... and are they idiots or are they right?" Um, if they loaned their motorcycle to someone who doesn't know how to ride or hired someone who isn't qualified... then they are idiots.
  • Shocking Information
"If you quit the Pill, use another birth-control method ASAP." Really? You think? I'm shocked. Really? If I stop using my current method of contraception... I should start using another right away or risk getting pregnant? Wow. More obvious advice on the very next page: "Take a sick day if you have a cold or the flu. You will recover quicker and won't give it to coworkers." What would I do without your awesome never-would've-thought-of-that advice Cosmo!?
  • Inquiring Minds Want To Know
Cosmo answers the long-pondered question "is it safe for my guy to shave down below?" Um, duh... why wouldn't it be? There's no logical reason to think it would be any less safe than a woman shaving "down below". They even advise using this amazing invention called "shaving cream". Wow, what will Cosmo discover next... lube?
  • Improper Use of an Undergarment
Honestly... we can't come up with any commentary on this one that's funnier than the actual text so here it is:
Use Your Thong as a Hair Tie
There are few things guys like more than long hair, women's underwear, and sex. So combine all three!
If things are getting hot and heavy, stopping the action to go search for a ponytail holder will kill the mood. So instead, grab - or take off - your underwear. Simply fold the crotch up so that the thong forms an open circle, twist your hair into a low pony or bun, and use your panties like an elastic band to secure your locks.
Yeah. They actually wrote that.
  • Working Hair
There's an entire four-page spread on Hair That Says "Hire Me". Four. Whole. Pages.
  • Fun Fearless Way to Meet a Guy
They recommend grabbing an old receipt from your purse, rushing up behind a cute guy on the street and exclaim "I think you dropped this!" I just reached into my bag and pulled out my receipt for Kathy Griffin's book from the night of the book signing. Somehow I don't think that's going to believable when I approach a random straight guy on the street claiming that I think he dropped it. But it would be an awesome excuse for a gay guy to start a conversation.
Thanks again Cosmo! You never let us down!

1 comment:

Mandassassin said...

Hi, there. Officially de-lurking.

Wow, I hope they were a bit more specific with the Mad Lib bit. I can't help but picture someone turning to hir lover and saying, "I love it when you [audit] my [eyebrow]."