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September 10, 2009

Cosmo Quickies for September

Oh Cosmo! You never disappoint us. We had a lot to say about the September 2009 issue of Cosmpolitan. We've already started digging into October, so here are just a few extra "quickies" before we start posting about those ridiculous articles. (You know we will).

  • Where the Guys Aren't...
Korin Miller compiled a list of places to meet guys in "Where the Guys Are These Days". Of course, the suggestions are completely ridiculous... We're really supposed to believe that guys are hanging out at salsa dance classes, "girlie book clubs", jewelry stores, nursing school and Bed, Bath and Beyond?
  • How to Stay Tan... and Greasy
Cosmo recommends rubbing on body oil before you shower, to prevent the water from stripping away your tanner. And it will also prevent the water from... getting you clean.
  • How Does Research Like This Get Funded?
Cosmo claims that there is now "actual scientific proof that guys are total suckers for sultry, smoky eyes. Apparently a study revealed that men are most drawn to a woman when her eyes are shaded darker than the rest of her face. Another study, shows that "boosting blood flow to your face makes you more attractive to guys". Now what we want to know is... who the hell did studies on that!? And how can we get paid to do this kind of research?
  • Who Cares About Her Career?
Kristen Bell was on the cover for September. The teaser: "How She Stopped Worrying and Found The One". Even though the actual article discusses her upcoming movies, her work on various TV shows, her campaigning for Barack Obama, her friends, her roommates, even her dog... obviously the only thing anyone really cares about is how she found "The One"!
  • Sports Are Still Icky
Cosmo offers some tips on how to cure a football addict (because you couldn't possibly be the one who is addicted to football). Their advice includes convincing him to DVR the games for later so that one of his buddies can ruin the outcome for him before he gets to watch it.
  • Check His Email... But Don't Read It
They suggest glancing at this in-box to see if he's "tidy" or sentimental... um, okay.
  • Further Proof that Teenagers are Cosmo's Demographic
What woman in her 20s and 30s really wants to know what 19-year-old Joe Jonas considers the perfect girl? (In case you do want to know - it's someone who "smiles with her eyes, has a fun spirit, dresses for herself, and is not like everyone." OMG, that's like, totally me!)
  • Don't Try This At Home
Cosmo does not recommend hacking into a guy's Facebook account, asking him to choose between you and his mom, or making out with his best friend. What would we do without them guiding us through such difficult decisions.
  • Sloppy Kisses Are Good For You...
Apparently men's saliva contains testosterone... so the more he transfers to you during a wet smooch, the higher your sex drive will be. If you don't drown first...
  • Waxing Guys' Privates
Apparently this is an exciting enough topic to merit three-whole-pages. So much so, that they decided to fantasize over how certain celebrities would groom their pubes. No, really. (Apparently they think Will Smith would have a dollar sign; Robert Pattinson would have a bat; and Spencer Pratt would have... a picture of Spencer Pratt. Okay that one is a little funny.)
  • It Justifies a Meltdown
If your boyfriend asks the lingerie salesgirl to model for him (while you're standing right there), your roommate borrows your underwear without asking, or your friend starts dating your man... Cosmo gives you permission to freak out. Why thank you Cosmo.
  • Being an Actor on One Tree Hill Qualifies You To Give Relationship Advice?
Robert Buckley gives seven "sneaky ways to sink a relationship"... including talking in textspeak (OMG! LOL!), ditching him for your ex-boyfriends, and licking him all over with morning breath. Forget about stupid things like maturity and open communication. This will work so much better.

Thank you Cosmo. Thank you so so much.

1 comment:

Fran Langum / Blue Gal said...

Joe Jonas totally wants me...to do his laundry. Do I have permission to freak out now!

Thank YOU, ESC. I put my evilslutclique sticker on the front cover of my tree-killer journal today. Love on ya.