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September 13, 2009

Exclusive ESC Political True Blood Crossover Theory About Michele Bachmann!

As we've mentioned about 75 times in the past few weeks, the ESC is obsessed with True Blood. Now, our many repeat viewings of the show have helped us to develop an intriguing theory about politics: Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) is a maenad. Since the season finale is going to be on in a few minutes, we thought this would be a good time to share it.

That needs a little explanation, doesn't it? Okay, quick summary - if you don't watch True Blood, there's a character named Maryann on the show this season. When she first appeared on the scene she seemed to be a caring and helpful (if a bit odd) woman, but she quickly revealed herself to be a batshit crazy non-woman who has whipped the entire town into a frenzy of orgies, gratuitous violence, animal sacrifice, and general chaos, which nobody remembers afterward because she's also got some freaky mind control powers going on. One of the characters describes it as "some sort of mass hypnosis...the whole town has devolved into a primitive state". A few episodes ago, it was revealed that Maryann is actually a maenad, and so now the small group of humans (and vampires) who aren't affected by her insanity are coming together to try to figure out how to destroy her.

So, we've been watching this storyline unfold, and we've been watching all of this political drama that's going on lately unfold, including some of Michele Bachmann's quotes about health care reform, and we realized...she's one of them. It's the only explanation for her that makes any kind of sense. We're going to present our evidence and then we're pretty sure you'll agree with our theory.

They look alike.

Let's start with the obvious. These two could totally be, like, second cousins or something, right?

They like to take things to extremes.

Maryann: She's fond of saying things like "A few bumps and bruises? A small price to pay for bliss." and "We need to be out of control. We crave it." And did we mention she uses her freaky powers to get people to have orgies, beat each other up, eat dirt, run around town naked, cut their own fingers off, build a giant meat tree in the front yard...

Michele Bachmann: She's fond of using excessively violent and over-the-top imagery when talking about political issues. A few examples:

"We're in a state of crisis where our nation is literally ripping apart at the seams right now, and lawlessness is occurring from one ocean to the other."

"I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back. Thomas Jefferson told us 'having a revolution every now and then is a good thing,' and the people -- we the people -- are going to have to fight back hard if we're not going to lose our country. And I think this has the potential of changing the dynamic of freedom forever in the United States."

“This cannot pass. What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing. This will not pass. We will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn’t pass.” [She's talking about health care reform, cause obviously that requires some blood sacrifices.]

They're not afraid to ask for sacrifices.

Maryann: As the season progressed, it came out that Maryann's goal was to make a big sacrifice to "the god who comes". There was the giant meat tree, and then she was also into cutting out the hearts of supernatural people, looking for the one who would make the perfect "vessel" to bring forth her god. "She believes if she finds the perfect vessel, sacrifices and devours part of him or her while surrounded by the magic of her familiars, then her mad god will appear." Let's just say she's really into sacrificing stuff.

Michele Bachmann: The incident that really helped to launch her to national notoriety was her appearance on the MSNBC show Hardball last year. After debating with host Chris Matthews about whether then-Senator Obama might have "anti-American views", here's what she had to say about some of the other members of Congress:

MR. MATTHEWS: Well, he's a United States senator from Illinois. He's one of the people you suspect as being anti-American. How many people in the Congress of the United States do you think are anti- American? You've already suspected Barack Obama. Is he alone, or are there others? How many do you suspect of your colleagues as being anti-American?

REP. BACHMANN: What I would say -- what I would say is that the news media should do a penetrating expose and take a look. I wish they would. I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out, are they pro-America or anti-America? I think people would love to see an expose like that.

Now, she's obviously not literally calling for some of her fellow members of Congress to be "sacrificed", but she was calling for them to be exposed and, we can assume, purged from the community.

(Also, unrelated to this, but we didn't notice until we started working on this post that we've been writing "Michelle Bachmann" but it's actually "Michele". She probably sacrificed the second L to her god at some point.)

They're waiting for a message from a god who never comes.

Maryann: As we said, Maryann is all about doing anything she can to get "the god who comes" (who may or may not be Dionysus) to appear to her. Sophie-Ann, the vampire queen, explains it:
"Never underestimate the power of blind faith. It can manifest in ways that bend the laws of physics, or break them entirely...Maenads are sad silly things. The world changed centuries ago and they're still waiting for the 'god who comes'. Gods never actually show up...you have to remember, they've been trying for centuries. They're constantly improvising their recipes in hopes of finding that one magic element that will make it all happen. Idiots."
Maryann will do pretty much anything that she thinks the god who comes wants her to do, including killing a whole bunch of people.

Michele Bachmann: "Cry out to a Holy God. He wants to hear us, He will hear us if we will confess our sins and cry out to Him. Our children are worth it and obedience to God demands it."

Bachmann says that she only ran for Congress in the first place because God told her to.
"And then in the midst of that calling, God then called me to run for the United States Congress. And I thought, 'what in the world would that be for?' And my husband said, 'You need to do this,' and I wasn't so sure. And we took three days and we fasted and we prayed, and we said, 'Lord is this what You want? Is this Your will?' And after the -- along about the afternoon of day two, He made that calling sure. And it's been now 22 months that I've been running for United States Congress. Who in their right mind would spent two years to run for a job that lasts for two years? You'd have to be absolutely a fool to do that. You are now looking at a fool for Christ. This is a fool for Christ."

She's now waiting for God to tell her what to do next, and whatever it is, she'll do it, even if it means running for President.
"If I felt that's what the Lord was calling me to do, I would do it," she answered. "When I have sensed that the Lord is calling me to do something, I've said yes to it. But I will not seek a higher office if God is not calling me to do it. That's really my standard. If I am called to serve in that realm I would serve," she concluded, "but if I am not called, I wouldn't do it."
Something tells us she may be waiting just as long as Maryann for that calling to come.

Oh yeah, the queen also says, "You know, they're really not that smart, these maenads." So add that one to the list of similarities.

It seems like they can't be "killed".

Maryann: So far in the season, nobody has been able to inflict any kind of serious damage on Maryann. The few humans left in the town who aren't under her control have had no luck, and even vampires can't successfully attack her because her blood is poisonous to them. On the last episode, Vampire Queen Sophie-Ann explained, "You can't [kill her]. She's convinced herself she's immortal and so she is...surely you know that everything that exists imagined itself into existence."

Michele Bachmann: Bachmann's comments on Hardball caused a huge stir, and as the video clip made the rounds online, it helped her Democratic opponent to raise more than a million dollars from donors across the country in just a few days. But despite all of the money and the momentum, her opponent wasn't able to win and Bachmann was reelected. (And for the record, we're only talking about "killing" Bachmann's political career here, not about any actual harm coming to her.) So, we're still stuck with her...for now.

They've got those crazy eyes.

Need we say more?


Nina said...

Well. Thank Goodness she fasted and prayed for days before clarifying her calling. Because nothing really coalesces clarity of mind like repetitive activity and forgoing food.

daMamma said...

Well that clarifies a lot of things. Finally MB makes sense in an odd sort of way. She's still nuts mind you, but now I understand where it comes from.

Tengrain said...

The absolute last thing that Bachmann the Nut will inspire is an orgy.

If the brain is the sexiest part of a human (and I think it is), then she's the Agent Orange of Wood Kill. And I mean that in the kindest, non-sexist way possible.