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September 20, 2009

Get naughty tonight... but not too naughty!

Sigh. We really don't want to become known as "that blog that writes about Cosmo's sex tips all the time" but alas... we're at it again. (It'd be easier for us to avoid it, if only Cosmo would quit printing this nonsense!) So we've decided to just make it a recurring series...

Every month Cosmo has some numbered story about the best possible sex tips ever! Last month's big sexy cover teaser was "50 New Sex Tricks" (known around here as "Things To Do To His Penis"). August 2009 was "Guys Rate 125 Sex Moves", while July was "100 Sex Questions".

This month the big cover story is "Bad Girl Sex: These 12 Moves Will Show Him Your Really Naughty Side. We Call Them the Dirty Dozen".

Oh yeah?

Get Naughty Tonight.

Almost all men dig a little dirty between the sheets. So these 12 taboo moves should really drive him loco with lust.

Think of the naughtiest trick you've ever tried in bed. Now imagine bumping up the intensity so that it was even ballsier. Pretty. Freakin'. Hot. That's the idea behind our dirty dozen - 12 wicked moves that go from kinda kinky to beyond bad girl.

Ooooh taboo moves. Even more intense and ballsy than the naughtiest trick we've ever tried! It must be some really naughty, kinky stuff! Oh wait, it's Cosmo... so their crazy, bad girl moves are probably pretty tame and boring.

Try a Bit of Bondage

Getting tied up instantly boosts the sexual energy because it brings in the element of vulnerability.
Naughty move: Lie on the bed with your hands tied together, and let him devour you. Have him start with a tease by holding his first and second fingers in a V, placing them on either side of your clitoris, and massaging in a scissoring motion. Then he can use side-by-side motions with his tongue to get you really worked up.
Yep. Nothing says "submissive" like instructing your guy exactly how to touch you. Oooh baby, tie me up and you can totally be in control tonight... so please read these very specific instructions on how to do the scissors move on my clitoris.

Even naughtier move: Have him tie your hands with a scarf and hang them on a hook on his door (the kind you would hang your coat or towel on) before he tantalizes you with oral. Since you'll feel totally like his sex toy, you can add to the arousal or being restrained by begging him to "release" you and let you orgasm.

This is supposed to be naughtier than the naughtiest trick I've ever tried? Really? I understand that being tied up at all is a huge step for some women, but isn't it a little presumptuous to assume that every woman reading Cosmo has never tried bondage before? Sorry, but after you've been flogged while handcuffed to the bed with a ball gag in your mouth... well, let's just say that having your hands tied in a scarf isn't exactly going to amaze and thrill you. (And the truth is, that's just the stuff that I've tried - I'm still what you'd call a BDSM novice - which doesn't even come close to the really hardcore kinds of bondage that some people are doing right now.) It isn't necessarily bad advice - it isn't exactly shocking either.


Give Him a Peep Show

Much of arousal is driven by what we see - especially for guys. "Many men love watching a woman get turned on."

Naughty move: On a night your guy is coming over to hang out, masturbate alone just before you're going to see him, but don't let yourself climax. [...] Then describe for him what you've been up to. He'll put together an irresistible mental image of you self-pleasuring that will build his desire so that when you have sex, it'll be an incredible release for you both.

Wait... weren't they talking about showing him something hot? Do "mental images" really apply? Hey honey, guess what I did today! Wouldn't a better move be to masturbate in front of him? Oh wait, that's probably the "even naughtier move"...

Even naughtier move: Before a date, entice your guy over to your place early, and let him watch you masturbate before you leave for the evening, telling him he can have his turn later. [...] Don't let him interrupt. Instead tell him you expect him to finish where you left off when you get home.

Yeah, I can see it right now: Make him watch you masturbate, get him all hard and turned on... and then make him go to dinner and a movie with blue balls.

Handle His Package

Usually for foreplay, you touch him so he's hard, but stroking him until he climaxes is rarely the main event. "Once a couple starts having sex, hand jobs often stop."

Naughty move: Surprise him with a hand job when he least expects it. While he's chilling on the couch, cuddle up next to him, trail your fingers down his chest, and unbutton his pants. As you grab him, whisper that you're doing all the work this time.

Okay, okay... we get it. Handjobs are making a comeback, but um... they aren't exactly what I'd consider kinky or taboo. No matter how much love people may have for the handjob, it's never going to be considered the "naughtiest trick you've ever tried" (unless maybe you're 12). And we don't want to offend anyone again, but the truth is if we told one of our guys that we were going to do "all the work" they would definitely be expecting... a different kind of job. Yeah, they'd be "surprised" alright.

Even naughtier move: Don't only shock him with sexy stroking - also do it when he can't possibly react the way he wants to. The next time he's on the phone, come up behind him, unzip and go to work.

Nothing is hotter than a handjob while you're on the phone with your boss... or your grandma... or your dermatologist.


Have Stranger Sex

When you pretend you're someone else, you completely change the rules. For one, you both naturally become much more daring as you act. Also, you have to be creative to play the part, and that means coming up with all sorts of naughty things your character might be into.

Naughty move: Pretend you and your guy are complete strangers. Set up a time for both of you to be at the same bar, and play out the scenario like you're meeting for the first time. Before you approach him, flirt with a few guys (totally innocently). Then make your way over to him, and introduce yourself as whomever you want to be - like Annette, the sexy exec on a business trip. Let others overhear your conversation, since some of the fun is performing for an audience.
The only catch about this one is if you're a really terrible actress it's not going to be as hot as you want it to be. Our advice is to try it at home first before going public with your "performance".
Even naughtier move: Role play like one of you is unexperienced and needs sex lessons. Have the novice write down what they want to learn, like how to perform oral sex, masturbate, or be taken from behind.
I don't think it's a bad idea to try the naughty school girl game... but write it down? Really? Logistically it just seems... awkward. Wouldn't it be hotter to ask for a sexy lesson instead of having to hand in a written assignment? And you better make sure you recycle that homework sheet when you're done or the next time you have friends over they're going to wonder what classes you've been taking. (Also, kudos Cosmo for using the word "unexperienced" instead of "inexperienced". Way to go against the grain.)

Test-Drive Twist, Torrid Positions

Nothing screams naughty like providing a view and finding new angles neither of you is used to.

Naughty move: Take the action to the couch. Have him stand and enter you from behind as you kneel on the cushions.

Well first of all, thank God for that last tip where we were advised to ask our partner to teach us how to take it from behind. We knew that one would be useful! Phew. Okay... I know some people are strictly missionary, but is having sex standing up really a twisty, torrid position? And since when is the couch an outrageous place for sex?
Even naughtier move: With him in a seated position, straddle him, then place his hands on your hips to keep you secure, and lean all the way back so that your head is down by his feet. You can put your hands on the floor for extra support, then rest your feet on the back of the couch.
And then when all the blood is rushing to your head and you get that terrible headache... it'll be extra sexy! (Even better when you can't move your neck properly for the next three days after being stuck in that awkward position.) Also, this move requires a lot of trust in your partner's ability to not drop you on your head.

Plan a Sneak Attack

Ambushing your guy turns you into a total sex vixen who can't get enough and makes him feel extremely wanted.

Naughty move: Guys expect morning sex before they get out of bed, so he'll be totally shocked if you jump him when he gets out of the shower. Slip into the bathroom and position yourself naked on the sink so he's surprised by the stunning scenery when he pulls aside the curtain.
Okay there are a few things wrong with this idea. How are you supposed to sneak into the bathroom without him hearing you and sit on the sink without him seeing you? And don't you think he probably locks the bathroom door behind him anyway? (Plus, I'm never going to secretly sneak up on a guy while he's in the bathroom... you never know what you might accidentally hear... or see... or smell.) And do you really want to have sex after the shower? Then you'll have to take another shower to get re-clean. Isn't it a lot more fun in the shower anyway?

Plus, not every sink is built to withhold that kind of action and that's how accidents happen. (Although calling in a contractor and a plumber for a sexy foursome could be kind of fun).
Even naughtier move: Meet up for dinner after work. Wait until you've been seated, then tell him you forgot something in the car and will be right back. Once you get outside, text him that you need his help with something. When he comes out, pull him into the car and go at it.
Okay, car sex is kind of hot sometimes... but don't you think the restaurant is going to give up your table while you're out fucking in the parking garage? This move also relies on the presumption that he's going to a) actually get your text, b) actually leave the restaurant to "help" you with your mystery problem, and c) not be pissed off when he gets out there.

We're not trying to knock Cosmo's advice - well, okay of course we are - but we're not saying it's all necessarily bad advice. (And his isn't meant to ridicule anyone for whom these activities really are kinky, shocking or "the naughtiest sex trick ever" because it's totally okay to be new to this kind of stuff. If Cosmo can help you expand your horizons to better sex, more power to ya.)

But at the same time, this is 2009; bondage and roleplaying, etc. aren't these terrible taboo things anymore. Various sex acts are becoming more and more mainstream everyday (the fact that Cosmo is writing about this at all, is evidence of that). So it just feels a little unimaginative that giving a handjob or having sex on the couch are being described as these outrageous bad girl behaviors... and it's pretty stereotypical to assume that the majority of Cosmo's "fun, fearless" readers have never tried anything so naughty and intense.

The article would be way less annoying if they just described these move as "some fun sex tricks you can try" instead of "naughtier than the naughtiest trick you've ever tried in bed". Yawn.

4 comments:

Rosemary said...

What kind of hooks do they expect people to have on their doors? I think most hooks would break right off if you tried using them for bondage.

Jezebel said...

Good question, Rosemary. And chances are that he won't be thinking of you as a totally naughty sex vixen when he's got to go to Bed Bath & Beyond to get a new door hook.

Jezebel's dream said...

Actually, I think the writer is assuming the people are small or skinny and definitely flexible.

Can you imagine a larger woman doing the straddle and lean your head to the floor thing? She'd flip off of the couch and break her neck like I did that time I was trying to perform autofellatio... but that's for another time.

SnowdropExplodes said...

A lot of those read like they were written by people whose only experience of sex comes from watching really bad porn.

There's also a strong thread running through a lot of them that shows an utter disregard for one's partner's preferences.