Okay, we're totally kidding. But we did want to get the male perspective on some of the tips. So while Chiquita and her husband, the Lord, were here visiting us, we insisting on reading the entire list to them. He wouldn't talk to us for the rest of day, but Chiquita did buy her own copy for the plane ride home. Just sayin'.
Anyway, before we start critiquing the tips... we have to take a moment to laugh at the various euphemisms they came up with in order to avoid repeating the word "penis" again and again: Touch him there... handling his package... pamper his privates... grab his erect shaft... the base of his member... give your guy a hand... We kept waiting for them to throw in a few baby terms like "wee wee".
It's also laughable that they tried to come up with fifty different things to do... when really, some were so completely obvious, some of them were repetitive, and some were just totally ridiculous. We couldn't possibly list all 50 of them (well, we could, but that would be dumb and boring) so here are just a few of our favorites...
The first category is called "Pants Off, Hands On"... further proving that apparently some women really do still give handjobs. The absolute funniest "hands-on" moves were:
We can pretty much guarantee that if you do The Piano, The Ping-Pong Paddle, and The Firestarter all in a row, you won't need a fourth trick...because your guy will have run away screaming.
Lightly tap up and down his shaft with your fingers, like you're playing a piano with one hand.
Take his penis between your open palms and, using your hands like ping-pong paddles, very lightly bat it back and forth.
Place your lubed palms on either side of his shaft, and rub them back and forth, as if you're trying to start a fire.
And then there were the tricks that were... well... not really tricks at all:
Personally, I like to press a penis against my left elbow sometimes. But only the left one, otherwise it's not "surprising" enough. But since when is a breast an "unexpected" place to put a penis? And the last one is really just a typical handjob...not that we give handjobs anymore, but it's like riding a bicycle. Another "original idea" was to give him a handjob... in the shower! Wow! Never though of that!! Of course, Cosmo decides to mix it up a bit with a helpful hint:
Press his penis against surprising parts of your body. [...] touch the tip of his penis against your breast...
Make an "okay" sign around the head of his penis, then stroke downward and follow immediately with your other hand, making the same motion. Take it again from the top. Keep repeating, then reverse directions and pull upward to mix things up.
[...] wrap your other hand around the head of his penis and slide it up and down.
Conditioner will make things more slippery.And then the next day, you can take a romantic trip to the grocery store together to buy cranberry juice for his conditioner-induced UTI!
Moving on to the "Get Mouthy" category...
Make sure you do that second one right, because if you tap gently but indifferently while making only lukewarm eye contact, it won't work at all. And does it have to be every 10 licks? Because we think counting would be a little distracting to the mood.
Cover your teeth with your lips and nibble along his fully erect shaft.
Gently but confidently tap the head of his penis against your tongue while making smoldering eye contact with him.
For every 10 licks, take your mouth all the way up and off his package. Pause for a few agonizing beats to tease him with a smile before going back down.
But the most confusing move of course is the "shallow throat" trick:
Press the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth to protect the back of your throat. Bring his penis into your mouth; when his head hits the back of your tongue, it will give him a feeling similar to when you deep-throat.We actually had a long discussion about the logistics and potential success rate of this one while reading the magazine on the train one day. We thought about doing a quick opinion poll of our fellow passengers, but a lifetime ban from the MTA would be really inconvenient for us.
But by far, the "best" advice comes from the "Mix It Up" category:
Aw, swaddle them... like a baby. That's totally hot. Although this is hands down, our absolute favorite:
Don a pair of latex or rubber gloves. Lube up, and use them to massage his erection.
Share your girlie toys -- wrap your hands around a vibrator and his shaft as you suck on the head, press a vibe against the base of his penis between his testicles, or place it on the outside of your cheek while you suck on his penis [emphasis ours]
Rub a warm washcloth over his entire package, then swaddle his testicles in it.
Using a soft, clean makeup brush, lightly dust over his testicles, penis, inner thighs and abdomen in sweeping circular motions.Yes, a makeup brush. We didn't make that one up.
There was another, slightly less idiotic tip in that section involving a strand of fake pearls (yes, they specified fake ones), but again it's the potential combinations that can be tricky. If a guy walks into your bedroom and sees a washcloth, a strand of pearls, and a bunch of makeup brushes...he's going to think you want to dress him in drag, not fuck him. So choose wisely.