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October 17, 2009

Cosmo Quickies for November

Don't think we were letting Cosmo off the hook completely just because of that one useful tip. November 2009 is the Bad Girl Issue ("For Sexy Bitches Only"). Let's just take a moment to laugh at that before moving onto the quickies...
  • Really Late on the Trends
In the "Hot Sheet" Cosmo described six "trends on the rise right now" that are... not at all on the rise, but in fact really old. For example, vampires. OMG, vampires? Really Cosmo? We had no idea that vampires were popular... maybe we'll have to write a book about it. Other super hot trends? Twitter and "wishful thinking". Man, Cosmo sure has their fingers on the pulse don't they?
  • Jessica Simpson = News?
The "Cosmo News" section devoted an entire page to Jessica Simpson's post-Romo body language. No really.
  • Body Language Cheat Sheets
Cosmo's guide "Size Him Up in a Single Glance" not only gives ridiculous generalizing tips to understanding a guy's body language (example: if he gives the middle finger, he's probably upset) but actually has tear-out cards for you to carry around. Can you imagine the looks you'd get at the bar if you whipped out your "Decode How He Handles His Drink" card?
  • Cosmo Invents More New Words
Apparently your guy's shopping habits can say something about your relationship. Is he a maximizer or a satisficer? Yes, "satisficer".
  • Introducing a New Guy to Your Friends
Cosmo gives a few tips on how - and when - to introduce a new guy to your friends. Some of them make sense (don't double date with a friend and her guy that you already know, he may feel like the odd man out). But Cosmo doesn't give any reason for why you shouldn't let a guy meet your new guy until the two of you are dating exclusively. This seems like really bad advice to us. Don't you want to see how your friends get along with your new guy before things get serious?
  • Cosmo's Thinks Highly of Itself
"The Six Worst Things You Can Say to a Guy" was paired with "Sentences He'd Be Psyched to Hear"... In addition to "nothing helps me wind down after a long day at work like giving you a blow-job" and "it makes me so hot when you explain the intricacies of baseball's infield-fly rule" Cosmo actually thinks that men want to hear "Here's an issue of Cosmo - why don't you look through it and mark everything you want us to try." We're sure he'll turn directly to that makeup brush trick.
  • It's All About Compromises
Cosmo solves the Toilet-Seat Feud. He leaves the seat up. You don't like hitting cold porcelain at midnight. Their solution: "A padded seat cover makes it virtually impossible for the seat to stay up." (Which makes it virtually impossible for him to avoid peeing on the seat when he tries to go to the bathroom and the seat won't stay up.)
  • Foreplay Men Crave
No, it's not a blowjob. Cosmo may have a point about some overlooked erogenous zones like the "ultrasenstive border around the lips" or "that sexy dip where neck meets chest" but they're kidding themselves if they think that is what men crave.
  • Women Are Feeling "Stuck"... In the Couch

This is the photo from the "Ways to Make a Fresh Start" article:

Yeah, it creeped us out too. Unfortunately the tips were too boring to even be creepy. Toss slices of peeled orange in a salad, switch your laptop to another room, or put your hair in a ponytail instead of wearing it down, woohoo! Dream big!

  • Save $15 to $20, Risk Terrible Haircut
Cosmo sugggests saving the drying fee for your next haircut by letting the stylist leave it wet. Um, they dry your hair for a reason - so you can tell if you like the haircut or not. Duh.
  • Cosmo Doesn't Understand Irony
"The painful irony about alcohol is that being a light or inexperienced drinker can actually raise your risk [of suffering alcohol poisoning]". That's ironic? If you're not used to drinking a lot and then you... drink a lot... it's not "ironic" if it hits you even harder than a buddy who is more used to binge drinking. Cosmo knows less about irony than Alanis Morissette does.
  • More Common Sense Information
Apparently it's dangerous to text while driving. No, really? I know plenty of people are idiots who do this anyway, but not because they don't know they're being idiots.
  • Bad Girls You Gotta Love?
You didn't forget that this is the Bad Girl issue did you!? Some of their favorite celebrity "bad girls" are Carla Bruni, praised for... breaking up someone else's relationship, Kate Moss for using drugs, and Lil' Kim for going to jail. Sounds like the kind of "bad" that Cosmo would criticize in any other issue of their magazine. But then they rehash some old stupid stereotypes about being "bad" like Megan Fox having tattoos (sorry, it's 2009, even the good girls have tattoos now) or Diablo Cody being a former stripper. Seriously, are we still going on about that? Get over it already.
  • Cosmo's Bad Girl Bible
Cosmo continues the celebration of bad girls by giving the rest of us "nice" girls tips on how to be badder. Some of this advice includes tips on how to lie, ditch a date, and wear leather pants. Are they serious? To us, being "bad" means not following the "rules" or doing what "good girls do". It's not a fashion statement and it certainly doesn't mean being dishonest or malicious or dangerous. Cosmo just doesn't get it.
  • Why Guys Love "Badass Chicks"
"Bad girls typically wear sexier shoes." I don't think we need to further elaborate on this one do we? I think that says it all.
  • Don't Try This at Home
And then Cosmo reminds us that we don't really want to be too bad. The Top 10 reasons not to make a sex tape are... all variations on the same reason: Because everyone might see it!

  • Cosmo Goes Vampire Crazy
Any magazine that writes a beauty article called "Twilight Beauty" has to acknowledge that they're working on attracting a teenage demographic. Since vampires are so hot right now, Cosmo thinks that women all want to look like them. (Of course, they're mixing up the trend a little bit... in all of the popular vamp shows and films right now it's a romance between a vampire dude and a human woman, but I digress.) Apparently looking like a vampire means wearing black nail polish and red lipstick.
  • Better Understanding of the Word "Cheap"
Cosmo thinks that going to see a film is a "cheap, easygoing way to have some fun". For real? Cheap? Last time we went to a movie, we shelled out more than $10 each just for a ticket, not to mention the overpriced cost of the popcorn and candy. A cheaper, more easygoing way to have some fun would be renting a movie and buying snacks at the grocery store.
  • Fun Fearless Way to Meet a Guy

Remember that receipt trick from October 2009? Pfft. This one's even better. Cosmo suggests you order the same drink as a cute guy in front of you at a coffee shop and then take his by "accident" for "'Oh, this is yours? We're coffee soul mates!' moment". Coffee soulmates?


Kaseido said...

A nitpick: "satisficer" is a real word, with a lot of literature in economics and cybernetics about the concept. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satisficing)

Jezebel said...

The 'fun fearless way to meet a guy' was extra annoying to me this month. So, I'm supposed to waste money on a drink that I don't even want just to manufacture a "coffee soulmates" moment with the guy on line in front of me? And I can't just say hi and strike up a conversation while we're waiting for our drinks because...

Anonymous said...

Hm. Upon further research we see that Cosmo didn't make that word up. It is still a made-up word (it's a blending of two actual words) but it wasn't Cosmo who coined the term. We stand corrected.

Our opinion still stands that the word is dumb and so is Cosmo, but thank you for the correction.

Des said...

The fun fearless way to meet a guy was extra annoying to me too. Mostly because I've accidentally done it before and it wasn't a coffee soulmate moment, it was a why the hell did you take my coffee moment...

Kat said...

I was also disturbed by the "words he'd like to hear" part where they included, "Can I have the entire girls volleyball team shower here?" and "I'd love to do your laundry for you!"

Let's participate in our own objectification and devaluation, shall we?

Mad Dan Eccles said...

"Satisfice" may be a word, but it's a stupid word.

Further, as a guy I never notice what shoes a woman is wearing, and I suspect I'm not alone. Does Cosmo just make this stuff up?