Some parts of this blog may contain adult-oriented material. (It is NOT porn or erotica, but some of the content is inappropriate for children). If you are under your country's legal age to view such material or find it to be "objectionable", please leave this page now. Reader discretion is advised...but if you couldn't infer from the title that this may be an adult-oriented blog, then you shouldn't be on the Internet at all.

Everything on the Evil Slutopia blog is copyrighted by the E.S.C. and ESC Forever Media and may not be used without credit to the authors. But feel free to link to us as much as you want! For other legal information, disclaimers and FAQs visit ESCForeverMedia.com.

November 21, 2009

Cosmo's Recycled Sex Tip of the Month

It's no secret that Cosmo runs the same basic type of sex article every month - it always gets the place of honor in the upper left part of the cover - and they really just change up the numbers. This month it's His #1 Sex Wish, previous months have featured 12 "Bad Girl Sex" moves, 50 Sex Tricks, 125 Sex Moves, and so on. So it's no surprise that they'd eventually have to start repeating themselves a lot, but I was a little surprised to spot one tip in the December issue that looked really familiar.

There's an article in this issue called Sexy Ways to Use a Vibrator With Him. (Of course they don't mention that you could also use one while having sex with a woman, because lesbians don't exist in Cosmo-land.) Here's one of the suggestions:
During oral, hold the side of your vibe against your cheek as you take him in and out. Your wet, quivering mouth will feel unexpected and arousing.
Now where have I heard something like that before? Oh yeah...in the September issue of Cosmo!
Share your girlie toys -- wrap your hands around a vibrator and his shaft as you suck on the head, press a vibe against the base of his penis between his testicles, or place it on the outside of your cheek while you suck on his penis.
Can't they at least space out the recycled tips a little bit more? And we have to admit that we're not entirely convinced about this fabulous tip. It seems like the logistics might be a little tricky - wouldn't maneuvering the vibrator and the penis while your cheek slowly goes numb get a little annoying and uncomfortable after awhile? And how much would it really add to the experience for the guy?

After the whole handjob controversy, we're going to try to be open-minded about this one, even though we have our doubts. But we do think that they should have been more clear about what type of vibrator you should use if you're going to try this one out. There are lots of different types of vibrators out there, and we're thinking that a lot of them would really not work that well in this situation.

For example:

~Some vibrators are really realistic-looking, which could be pretty disorienting for your guy when he looks down and sees it. In the middle of a blowjob, you probably don't want him to get distracted wondering if he somehow grew a second penis or became a really talented contortionist.

Vibrating realistic dildo with balls and suction cupRealistically shaped dildo with multi-speed vibrations and control pack.

~If your vibrator is too powerful, your cheek will stay numb for the next three days.

Slim 3 speed bullet with pointy tip.Hitachi magic wand vibrator is a two-speed massager with a soft flexible head.

~Something that's an unusual shape and looks nothing like a "traditional" vibrator might just distract your guy from the job at hand.

Sphere-shaped waterproof massager with three vibration speedsUnique stimulator performs circle movements resembling finger-like motion.Uniquely designed cone vibrator with 16 functions.

~What if all you have to use is one of those discreet vibrators that's disguised as something else, like the lipstick vibe? The ones that are made to look like children's toys would be especially awkward when you're trying to pull off a sexy blowjob trick.

Mini-vibrator in the guise of a tube of lipstickDual-speed waterproof massager with a cute bug designPowerful and sensual five inch vibeTravel sized discreet personal massagerWaterproof TPR pirate duck vibrating massager.A fun and discreet multi-function vibrator cleverly disguised as a cute penguin

~Just as a general rule, it's probably not a great idea to put something called The Screaming Octopus near your boyfriend's penis. You know, unless he's into that sort of thing.

Octopus shaped mini-vibrator with texturized surface and retreival cord.

~And just imagine how sexy it would be for your boyfriend to get an awesome blowjob from you...and Hello Kitty.

Pocket rocket massager with Hello Kitty feature.

Oh Cosmo, what have you done? When you recycle this tip again in a few months, please be more specific.


Jen said...

Hello Kitty is hot.

Deb said...

The idea of a Magic Wand rattling the teeth of a Cosmo girl trying to work that tip is making me snort-laugh. Now, while I'm certainly no expert on what Cosmo Girls' lovers want, it seems to me if men liked vibing blow jobs we would have heard about this before Cosmo's aggressive reporting, or have seen it as a speciality listed on someone's escort service ad. Please advise if someone has field research on the tip, as I'm always happy to learn trivia of all kinds.

Freida Bee, MD said...

Now, I'm never going to do this to a guy 'cause if it comes from Cosmo, I automatically think it's about coddling men. It's best I just don't know.

Fran Langum / Blue Gal said...

You said hello kitty and vibrator in the same post? And then showed a picture? WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

Jezebel said...

So Blue Gal, you're saying that Hello Kitty has never factored into your boyfriend-seduction plans?

Amy said...

Okay, I completely agree that Cosmo is ridiculous, and that their "sex tips" are overly recycled, disturbingly heteronormative, generally dumb and useless, and ALWAYS focused on male pleasure, often to the point of entirely excluding or denying the possibility of women getting pleasure out of a sexual act.

HOWEVER, let's not start hating on vibrators! I can attest to the fact that they can be a very useful and pleasurable addition to a blow job, and to pretty much any other sexual activity. You definitely would want to be careful with the vibe on the cheek thing - as with all good things, vibration should be used in moderation - but something like a vibrating cockring or a tongue or finger vibe can make blow jobs more fun for both participants!

All of the vibrators discussed and pictured in this post are actual toys that real people buy and use and presumably enjoy. So let's not spoil their fun by shaming their toys, which are totally sexy in their eyes, even if not in yours. I'm all for a brutal critique of the messages Cosmo sends to women about their sexuality, but let's not limit ourselves or our sisters because of the limited vision of a silly magazine.

Jezebel said...

Amy - This is a humorous post. There's no "hating on" or "shaming" of vibrators going on. The joke is that most of these vibrators might not be the very best choices if you were going to try this particular Cosmo sex tip on a guy. That's not the same as trashing the toys themselves or saying that there's anything wrong with using a vibrator.

melissa said...

Who said the toys weren't sexy? They're just not practical to use against your cheek while you're giving a guy head! lol geez take a joke