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December 2, 2009

Cosmo Quickies: December 2009

We're doing it again... Cosmopolitan December 2009
  • By the Numbers
We all know that Cosmo loves their numbers, but wow, this month they really went number-crazy. These are all headlines from the cover: "His #1 Sex Wish" "71% of Guys Crave This Move" "7 Belly-Blasting Tricks" "The 10 New Rules for Success" and "14 Sexy Party Hairstyles". What do you think the chances are that his #1 sex wish is that you do the #5 belly-blasting trick while wearing the #9 sexy party hairstyle? HOT!!
  • Smell Like a Celebrity?
We never realized how overly perfumed Cosmo really is. (We've been coughing the whole time we read this from all the samples.) But then we counted how many perfume ads are really in this magazine. Twenty five separate fragrances! That's got to be a conflict of interest, hmm? And how many new celebrity fragrances does the world really need? This particular issue included new scents from Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Mariah Carey, Halle Berry and Usher. Now really, why on earth would anyone want to smell like any of them?
  • Try Using Spell Check
Looks like Cosmo needs a new copyeditor [runs and preps resume] to proofread this shit for them. In the Guy Report we spotted two really blatant typos: "wierdly" instead of "weirdly" and - get this - "tey" instead of "they". Oh Cosmo, it's like you don't even care anymore...
  • If you don't use drugs, you're a Geek.

    According to a recent study, daily marijuana smokers not only have more trouble climaxing but also suffer more premature ejaculation and are the least fertile. So Cosmo suggests that you should "dis the bad boys" and go for... geeks. Geeks? Yep, the title was "Are Geeks Better in Bed?" but the only evidence they give to support that they're better in bed is that they don't use drugs. So only geeks don't use drugs? (Yeah, sorry, guess they never met any of the geeks we know, no names.) You'll also love this caption- "Star Wars addicts: Less fun, more fertile." Yeah, that makes total sense... Star Wars = not fun = no drugs = good sperm.
  • Toddlers and Money = HOT!!

    This month on the "Stud Meter", Prince Harry made the list because he "reportedly just came into a hefty inheritance". (Note to gold diggers.) One-and-a-half year old Levi McConaughey (son to Matthew) also made the list. Yes, a one-and-a-half year old.

  • Interesting Inspiration

    Cosmo interpreted some song lyrics and determined that Pete Wentz wrote a song about Ashlee Simpson's nose job and her role on Melrose Place. There's really nothing more we can say about that.

  • Dear Diary,

    Cosmo totally ripped off New York magazine's on-going "Sex Diaries" series with... "Guy Love Diaries". And they found the shittiest guys to write them.

  • Culture Differences?

In "He Says What During Sex?!" Cosmo deciphers what your man's bedroom noises really mean. Yeah. The bonus side bar was called "Bizarre In-Bed Outbursts" and described "wacked-out comments". They included some real doozies, but this one we think is just a misunderstanding:

One night, I went home with this gorgeous guy, and I started to give him oral. We were both into it, but then all of a sudden, he moaned, 'Oh, Mommy.' I was so shocked, I almost choked." - Lauren, 32

Are we the only ones who think he was probably calling her "Mami", and not "Mommy"? Or have we just hooked up with too many Latino guys? Diversify!

  • Love is Harder in the Winter
...because in the Winter, we're fat. That's basically the main reason... we don't get enough exercise and we eat too many carbs, so we gain weight... and if we gain any amount of weight then we automatically feel fat and gross and unsexy. Because fat people are gross and unsexy.
  • Swine Flu Prevention Plan
Cosmo gives some tips on avoiding high-risk habits... and they are hilarious. Instead of sex in the missionary position, try facing away from him. "The farther apart your mouths and noses are, the less likely you'll be to breath in viral particles." Now, come on, if you're having sex, isn't it safe to assume that you've already exchanged some, uh... viral particles? Unless you have sex Pretty Woman style (i.e., no kissing on the lips - ah true love.) They have a solution for that too actually - instead of lip kissing, blow a kiss (because that's totally sexy); instead of shaking hands, bump fists (go Obama!); and of course, our favorite... instead of a hug, give your friend a "light, upper-arm squeeze".
  • Guy "Friends"

In "What Your Guys Friends Think but Won't Say" Cosmo interviewed several guys on things they would never say to their female friends. The catch is though, that none of these guys are actually friends with any women. Maybe the women think these guys are their friends, but they are really just guys who secretly want to date and/or sleep with them. Some examples:

"She comes to me, asking for advice, but I'm never sure if she's looking for me to sweep her off her feet and make everything okay." - Bobby, 32

"I can't help but think about us turning off the movie and just doing it right there on the couch." - Steven, 20

"It's not that I don't want her to be happy, but I figure that if she's not sure, she may as well start fresh... and consider me." - Harley, 25

"I pick whichever outfits give me the best opportunity to check her out for the rest of the night." - Gary, 29

Gee, talk about great friends. What the hell Cosmo, you couldn't find at least
a few guys who are actually real legitimate friends with girls? Really?

Also, from the "Guy Friends" article:

"She tries to impress men by talking about sports and being really into guy stuff. I love that she is - that's why we're friends - but it's hard telling her that overdoing it isn't sexy. It's like a man being really into fashion, facials, and crying a lot." - Harrison, 34

Fuck you Harrison. Wow. So it's not possible that she might actually like sports and "guy stuff" - no she's doing it to impress men. And God forbid she's really really into it - she's "overdoing" it. It's cool that she's into that stuff, if you're her friend - but not if you're dating her. Only women are into fashion and hygiene. And of course, liking sports is the male equivalent of being into crying a lot. Because women are totally into crying a lot!

  • Why is this in the "Fun and Fearless" section?
The "Naughtiest Thing I've Ever Done" story this month is by the far the most ridiculously drawn-out, passive-aggressive, stupidest thing we have ever read in Cosmo. (Even worse than this one - And that's saying a lot.) Apparently some girl had a lousy roommate so she wrote a fake diary (no really) in which she pretended to be crazy (we're talking borderline Single White Female crazy) in order to freak her out enough into moving out. It worked, she moved out before her lease was up... and probably told horror stories to everyone they know about how crazy her roommate was.
  • Fun, Fearless way to Meet a Guy
Cosmo suggests that a great way to meet a guy is to go shopping and "drop" all your bags on the way out so he can help you. Because after you spend a ton of money of stuff, the best way to treat it is letting it all fall to the ground. And sorry but this probably only works in nice neighborhoods... because I know certain malls where it's probably not the best idea to let your packages fall on the floor... because you won't get them back. What's really funny is that this exactly the type of non-embarrassing "most embarrassing" moment that would be featured elsewhere in the magazine as the moment your dream guy ditched you because you're so clumsy.
Thanks Cosmo, you never let us down! There was some other stuff in this issue that really pissed us off - and/or made us laugh our asses off - but we have too much to say to include in the "Quickies". So stay tuned for even more.

You should also check out The Pervocracy's "Cosmocking" series. They also did a great take-down of Cosmo this month (touching on a some other hilarious moments we almost missed). You'll particularly want to check it out if you laughed at the Swine Flu thing, because they included a pic!)

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