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December 13, 2009

Cosmo Quickies: January 2010

It's a brand new year (well, almost) but the same old Cosmo.

  • Craziest Sex Tip Ever.

This month promises 100% HOTTER SEX! From the cover:

Thrill Every Inch of His Body Using a Move No Woman Has Dared to Try on Him Before

What is this amazing new sex tip that is just so outrageous and scandalous that I almost can't even type it? Apparently, there's this amazing new sex move that you can try... it's called.. "Girl On Top". (Oh my god, I know! Who would've ever thought of trying that!!?) This is kind of like when they introduced us to that brand new amazing invention called lube. Cosmo has always got their fingers right on the pulse!

  • Cosmo Makes Groundbreaking Discoveries

Another one of the cover story teasers was this: "The New Male Sex Habit That Can Hurt a Relationship". OMG, what is it!? Flip to page 90 and it's... masturbation. Um, okay. Now the article isn't that bad, because there are legitimate reasons why too much masturbation can be bad for your non-solo sex life... but is masturbation really a "new male sex habit"? And this line definitely made me giggle a bit:

Then mention that you read in Cosmo that masturbating too much can make it hard to orgasm.

  • Speaking of "New" Things That Aren't New...

The Hot Sheet is as irrelevant as usual. Two of the top trends on the rise right now are the end of the world (we already called this one) and verbal pet peeves. Yes, being annoyed at the word "whatever" is a new trend. All I have to say to that is "whatever Cosmo".

  • Have I Mentioned That I Love Amanda Bynes?
Okay, so it's no secret that I have a thing for Amanda Bynes so I was excited to see her as the Cosmo cover girl. However, the featured article about her is totally stupid... they actually called it "Amanda Bynes is on a Boy Hunt". Even though it focused mostly on how she wants to start a new stage in her career (taking on more adult roles after a success as a child star) the interviewer tried desperately to make it about her love life. After she refused to talk about her exes ("it's my private life") they finally got her to answer what she's looking for in a guy. So of course, she's on a boy hunt.
  • Sexy vs. Skanky
I think they're really running out of stuff to write for this section. Guys with soccer balls vs. soccer-ball cleavage (sorry Mary Carey), crocheted panties vs. crotchless panties... a six-pack vs. Nikki Sixx... holding your baby vs. holding a man like he's a baby. Fascinating stuff.
  • The Sneakiest Way to Remove Your Guy's Pants

Cosmo recommends that you "Sneakily Slide Off His Pants"...

As you're making out, slyly unbutton his pants, push them down as far as you can with your hands. Then bend one leg, hook your foot over his waistband, and slide your leg down his lower body, dragging his pants down with it. "He'll be distracted with the passionate kiss that he won't even realize what you've done [...] When you pull back and he realizes he's almost naked, he'll be completely taken aback by your skills and think of you as a sex goddess."

I don't know about you, but I don't think there's a kiss passionate enough that a guy will not realize his pants are being removed. We're not saying it's terrible advice (I mean, what guy doesn't want you to take his pants off?) but are we really supposed to believe he'll be taken aback by your skills?

  • Conflicting Beauty Advice?
In the Beauty Q+A section, they advise that you go easy on hairspray to avoid staticky hair in the winter. But then in the Beauty Cheat Sheet section, they recommend spraying your not once, not twice, but three separate times to "party-proof your curls"and even suggesting taking a mini can of spray with you.
  • Interesting Mix of Studs Yet Again

Just like last month's Stud Meter (which listed Prince Harry because of his huge inheritance), this month they stress the money thing again. Nicolas Cage is near the bottom of the list for owing unpaid taxes. It also includes a 17-year-old in the top slot (Taylor Lautner), a dog (Carrie Underwood's dog Ace) and Jude Law in drag. And of course, while we have to agree with putting Spencer Pratt way at the bottom, but not the reason:

Barely having sex with your wife because she wants children makes you one of the worst husbands ever.

Really... we should all be grateful that he's not choosing to reproduce.

  • Creative Magazine Filler
Cosmo Naked Celebrity Paper Dolls! No, really. They gave us a photo of a faceless half-nakie guy and a bunch of celebrity heads to put on him. Honestly, I don't really have anything creative to say in my mocking of this. It speaks for itself. (Oh and you'll love this one - Zac Efron's face was included. Further proof that Cosmo is not for adults.)
  • Cosmo Contradicts Itself Yet Again

Even though last month Cosmo praised the benefits of the one-night-stand, this month they're back to assuming that you're going to wait before having sex with a new guy for the first time:

You're dating a guy, and the makeout sessions have been so hot, you've practically dry humped holes into each other's jeans. With all that chemistry, the sex has to be off the hook from the start, right? Ehhh. "Getting intimate with a new person can be clumsy," says Chris Fariello, PhD, director of the Institute for Sex Therapy, in Philadelphia. You aren't completely comfortable with each other yet. Plus there's so much at stake the first time - if the sex is bad, you could second-guess the budding relationship.

Okay, first of all... ew. But wait, in the past Cosmo suggested that a woman should wait to have sex because the sex will be better:

"The sex will be better."

"The longer you have him in this holding patter, the more fulfilling the sex will be when it happens."

"First-time sex isn't always the greatest, but because you've been looking forward to it for so long, it'll seem more intense."

  • This Must Be the "Vagina Issue"

I'm not going to go into detail commenting on the "Everything You Need to Know About Your Vagina" feature... because the article actually included a lot of information that women should have about their bodies. (It's up for debate whether they do or don't already know these things, but that's besides the point.) Without even getting into the whole vagina vs. vulva debate, I just found it humorous how many different euphemisms they came up with to call it (just like they did for the penis article back in September). First of all, they called it the "Hoo-Ha Handbook"... seriously. They put that "hoo-ha" on the cover of the magazine! Other creative terms included:

"...sideways smile ... vadge ... down-there area ... down-there region ... southern region ... down south ... V-zone ... V..."
  • Totally Creepy Way to Meet a Guy

Cosmo never lets us down with the monthly "Fun, Fearless" way to meet a guy tip. This time they suggest that the next time you see a hot guy with headphones you should:

"...get close enough that you can overhear his iPod. Tap him on the shoulder and gush that you looove the song he's listening to so much and you need to know who sings it..."

I'm just trying to imagine this one.... I've got my head pressed up against the head of a hot guy and I'm pretending to gush over the Backstreet Boys. Awesome.

  • Don't Be Fat
This month the "healthy sexy strong" section focused entirely on ways to not get fat. We should eat minestrone soup instead of the fatty french onion... hot peppers will help us burn more calories.... grilled chicken is a less fatty choice at a fast food restaurant... eating free samples at the supermarket can make us fat... and a direct quote: "girls' night can make you fat". Good to know that Cosmo is concerned about all aspects of our health and not just how huge our asses are getting.


SamSarcasm said...

finding this blog = worth late night surfing and missing the zees

Vanessa said...

I'm bored of reading about how terrible Cosmo is. We get it: it's condescending, contradicts itself, and generally gives dumb advice. But when I'm on the bus ride home after an exhausting day of work, I love nothing more than turning off my brain and reading some Cosmo! The readers aren't dumb, we understand that it's not necessarily a good idea to follow the advice of Cosmo. My point is, bringing our attention to, and dissecting every insignificant detail shows that you think you're readers have no brains of their own, and it makes for repetitive blog entries. On the other hand, I thoroughly love reading about the Christmas boycotts, and covering World Aids Day!

Anonymous said...

Hm. Well, I guess you do have a point there Vanessa. Unfortunately these Cosmo Quickies can get a little repetitive because well, Cosmo can get a little repetitive.

However, there's one point I have to defend... I don't necessarily believe that all of Cosmo's readers realize how terrible Cosmo is but that's not saying anything about our readers. (Yes, obviously we do have some cross-over readership, but as you said, you read it for fun and don't take it seriously.)

We definitely don't think our readers have no brains... I think most of our readers know fully well how terrible Cosmo is and that's why some of them enjoy reading our Quickies. (Basically, like GlossedOver says, "We read it so you don't have to".)

We're probably not going to stop dissecting Cosmo, because other readers have told us how much they love it... but rest assured that we're not going to stop writing about the important stuff either.

Jezebel said...

Vanessa - The end of your comment made me laugh, because sometimes when I'm working on posts about the Christmas boycotts, I think about the fact that there are probably some readers who find those posts repetitive and boring. So I'm glad to hear that you enjoy them!

At the same time, like Lilith said, we've heard from a lot of people who love our Cosmo posts. Since we write about a wide range of stuff, we know that not all of our readers are going to love every single thing that we write. So we won't be offended if you skip over the Cosmo posts ;) But hopefully you're not offended by the Cosmo posts, because we know that there are plenty of people who read Cosmo just as mindless fun or a guilty pleasure or whatever. When we criticize Cosmo, we're not suggesting that everyone who reads it is stupid.

SamSarcasm - Thank you!