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January 26, 2010

Cosmo Quickies: February 2010

So this very-late edition of "Cosmo Quickies" is going to be kind of short and crappy this month. Why? Because Cosmo sucks! I had actually ordered a subscription to Cosmopolitan magazine. (We just felt so dirty going into stores and actually buying it in public... and hey, it's a write-off!) We also thought it'd be super convenient to get the issues a little bit earlier, so we could get to our making fun of the issues earlier. But no... Cosmo insists on sending my issues later than every other person on the planet. Every month it got a little bit later and now finally, the February 2010 issue has come to my house so late that I just snapped. (Um, hellooo they've been on the newsstand for weeks!) I was so annoyed that I cancelled the subscription right away.

So that explains why this month's "Quickies" are so late and so short. It's not because we're slackers. (Okay, we totally are slackers, but we didn't actually slack on this.) It's because Cosmo sucks! Pretty much everyone else in the blogosphere has already made fun of this issue - and they did a really great job - so instead of doing the full magazine we're just going to mock a few things and provide you with everyone else's awesome commentary. We recommend you check out GlossedOver and The Pervocracy's two-part Cosmocking (and look for a few other awesome links below).

  • Vaginas Are Totally In!
This month on the "Hot Sheet" we've got lesbians and vagina jewelry. (First it was penis jewelry, now it's jewelry shaped like your vagina.) While I have nothing against vulva pendants, I refuse to believe that it's one of the hottest "trends on the rise". On the other hand... are they calling lesbians a "trend"? Apparently there's been a little bit of girl-on-girl love on TV lately, but it's primarily on the CW so that doesn't count as real TV. (Sidenote: Apparently they're going to give Adrianna on 90210 a female love interest... first she's a drug addicted actress, then a pregnant high schooler, and now she's going to date a girl? It's like they're pulling out all the soap opera cliche on one character!)
  • More Male-Decoding
Cosmo has another series of secret tips to help us get to know our guys better (instead of the obvious way - actually getting to know them). They're training a bunch of little relationship detectives apparently. Now in addition to examining the way he holds his beer or how tidy his email inbox is, we're also supposed to believe that the position he sleeps in can reveal clues about his personality and his sexual desires. (For example: The guy who sleeps on his back probably likes doggie style... because... well, they don't clearly explain why, but Cosmo says it, so it's got to be true.) Now here's my question: If you're already examining the way your guys sleeps, is it safe to assume that you probably have already slept with him? (Unless you're sneaking into his bedroom in the middle of the night like a stalker.) So if you're already at the point where you want to participate in his sexual desires, why not just ask him what they are?
  • Don't Emasculate Your Man
I don't know why I'm even surprised when I see such blatantly sexist and stereotypical articles like "Are You Turning Your Boyfriend Into a Girlie Man?" but sometimes I really am shocked at how low Cosmo can go. Rehashing such lovely oldtime stereotypes as the "girls think sports are icky" and "personal hygiene and health eating is for chicks"... this article annoyed me so much that I can't even go into much detail on it. Instead, I recommend you check out the write-up on Contexts.org. (They also mentioned it, among other features, on Jezebel.)
  • Tap Into Your Seductive Powers
Cosmo advises women on some crazy, never-before-heard-of seducation secrets, such as talking to him. (I know! Crazy right? Telling him you want him will make him think you want him! Shocking!) Of course, you might not know why you want him... because girls are like, dumb. So Cosmo has provided us with tear-out cards that have examples of reasons we might want him.Seeing you read from a prewritten list of reasons because you couldn't think of any on your own will really make him feel wanted. You really have to read their awesome suggestions, so here's a sampling.
I would like to have sex with you because:
  • I noticed your feet are rather large.
  • I'm dying to try a move I read about in Cosmo.
  • I do lots of yoga.
  • I don't want this Brazilian to go to waste.
  • I'm feeling generous.
  • I was going to wash my sheets tomorrow anyway.
Yep. Nothing makes your man feel sexier and more wanted than "well, I have to wash the sheets anyway and I'm feeling generous, so let's have sex". (Side note: They gave four identical cards, so you can use this trick on four different guys!)

  • Cosmo Is Still Easily Surprised
Last month they declared "girl on top" an outrageous new sex move and masturbation a brand new sex habit. In December they let us know that you can avoid catching swine flu by not kissing people. In November, they taught us that it's dangerous to text while driving, light or inexperienced drinkers have a higher risk of alcohol poisoning, and if you make a sex tape someone might see it. (They also called vampires and twitter new trends.) In October they let us know that if you quit taking the Pill then you should probably use another birth control method, if you're sick you should stay home from work and men can shave their pubes with... shaving cream! And let's not forget when they discovered the amazing new invention: lube! (We could keep going, but you get the point.) So what are some of the shocking discoveries for February 2010?

  • Allergies can put a damper on your sex life (because itchy eyes and runny noses aren't sexy).
  • Shoplifting is uncool.
  • Brad Pitt's beard is weird.
  • If you feel happy when something bad happens to your friend, you might be a jealous bitch.
  • Bran muffins are healthy.
  • You probably shouldn't smoke if you're trying to get pregnant.
  • Guys like to be liked.
  • The secret recipe for chocolate-covered strawberries: melt chocolate and then dip strawberries in it.
  • 99 Recycled Sex Moves
We have so much to say about this one, we're going to give it it's own blog entry.


Gemma said...

Wow, that whole 'girlie man' thing was... weird. My boyfriend likes cooking- this means I made him into a girly man? Pfft, they don't know what they're talking about. The whole reason I started dating him was because he wasn't an 'average dude (goth dudes who make robots as a hobby are awesome, by the way) and the most important part of that was that he could cook... because I can't. I like that they say watching your boyfriend bake is emasculating for him(saw that by following the clicky-links). In my house, it means time for a huge sugar high and much rejoicing.

Also, I kind of like Brad Pitt's beard. He's totally trolling everyone. Brad Pitt is cooler and more interesting than people (and by people I mean Cosmo) give him credit for, even if he does look like a hobo right now.

Anonymous said...

I saw that thing about what a guys sleeping position says about him in Cosmo, probably around 1999?