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January 27, 2010

Cosmo's Brilliant Scott Brown Coverage Continues

Well, I didn't think this was possible, but Cosmo has really outdone themselves. They've managed to make their post-election coverage of Scott Brown even stupider than their pre-election coverage. (If you haven't been playing along at home, Scott Brown is a Republican from Massachusetts who was just elected to the Senate. He's also a guy who once posed naked for Cosmo.)

First, they covered Brown's victory speech, in which he charmingly announced to the entire world that his two daughters are "available".
How many people can say they asked a politician to drop his pants and then took naked photos of him? Well, Cosmo can! (Hmmm...on second thought, maybe that's not such a small club after all.) Anyway, we're proud to say that the recently elected senator from Massachusetts once posed bare in the pages of Cosmopolitan. Regardless of your political point of view, you have to admit it's kinda awesome that the guy Cosmo chose for a nudie centerfold in 1982 is now heading to Washington.
No, Cosmo, we actually don't have to admit that. Because it's not awesome. And while we don't think that posing nude is anything to be ashamed of, and we get why Cosmo's making a big deal about this, we're not really sure what they have to be proud of here, unless they feel like Brown's nude photo somehow helped him win the election. Now, as the alleged home of the "fun fearless female", Cosmo might have been a good place to start a conversation about whether a female candidate with a nude Cosmo shoot in her past would have been so successful and why or why not. But the ladies of Cosmo.com are apparently too busy drooling over "their" Senator to address that...
So we obviously watched Brown's victory speech. And you're not going to believe what he said...His daughters had a good sense of humor about it, but we couldn't help feeling a little mortified for them. Unless of course, they end up dating hot D.C. boys thanks to their dad. Then we'll just be jealous of them.
As always, Cosmo's priorities are in perfect order. Further proof of this comes from the slideshow that they put together: 7 More Politicians We'd Like to See Shirtless (And Some Who Should Definitely Keep Their Clothes On). It's a bipartisan list, offering Republican and Democratic politicians from across the country the chance to "exercise their right to bare arms... and pecs and abs."

Next up was "Another Naked Scott Brown Centerfold?", an invitation to Scott Brown from Cosmo editor-in-chief Kate White to pose for a new centerfold, or at least do an interview:
At Cosmo, our only disappointment in yesterday's Massachusetts Senate race is that we lost an opportunity to have another woman in the Senate -- there are way too few and we'd like to see more.
I'm surprised that they suddenly care about that, because they certainly didn't seem to before the election when they were making up campaign slogans for Scott Sixpack.

We don't know for sure what Scott Brown might do as the new Senator...

Well, maybe the reason why you don't know is that you were too busy talking about his "amazing body" and making "stimulus package" jokes to do any research into his positions on the issues.
...but we do know a bit about his character from having featured him in Cosmopolitan in 1982 as the winner of Cosmo's 1st Male Centerfold Contest when he was a law student at Boston College. Even then he knew what he stood for and what he was about. He admitted to being patriotic despite the fact that it "wasn't cool" at the time. And, of course, he was hot--and not afraid to show it.
So he's patriotic and confident about his own hotness. Yep, that's an amazingly detailed and insightful character sketch, thanks Cosmo.
How refreshing compared to politicians who pretend to be all modest and pious and then get $400 haircuts and cheat on their wives.
Um, what? So he's patriotic and he posed nude, which means he'll never cheat on his wife? Or, because he knew that he was hot enough to get naked for Cosmo, that means we'll never have to worry about him pretending to be modest? Or, if John Edwards had just done a nude centerfold early on, he would have...oh hell, I have no idea.

Finally, there's "Scott Brown: From Cosmo to Congress" by Ashley Womble. This one's my personal favorite.

Since we, um, thrust him into the spotlight back in the 1980s, we think it's only fair that the former bachelor does a few favors for us during his term. His to- do list is probably pretty schlong, oops, we mean long, but what are ten tiny requests among friends?

Hottie Scotty, we hope you're taking notes.

Is Ashley Womble 13 years old?

1. Senators don't usually have Inaugural Balls, but since you've definitely got a pair, turn the Senate floor into a dance party on your first day in office.
Okay, seriously, is Ashley Womble 13 years old? A dance party? Maybe next they can all have a sleepover and prank call some lobbyists.

2. Once you find suitable boyfriends for your gorgeous daughters, start auctioning off hot Washington male staffers to single women.
Yes, Scott Brown should definitely focus on the important task of "finding" some "suitable" boyfriends for his adult daughters. Then he should get in his time machine and travel home from the 1830s. (Auctioning off other human beings was also popular during that time.)

3. Create a congressional committee to launch a special investigation into Snooki's poof and pickle consumption.

Okay, I agree with this one. With all of the horribly depressing political developments lately, I think we deserve the opportunity to gather in front of C-SPAN with pizza and beer to watch Snooki testify before Congress.

4. Once a year, use the National Mall for touch football games in which all of America’s soldiers can participate… as long as the dudes are shirtless.
Cosmo supports the troops. It's so inspiring.
5. Go across party lines and work with Michelle Obama to create the ultimate work-out video- "Washington Abs and Arms of Steel."

Look, I know that Scott Brown is the only nude Senator that Cosmo has ever had and probably ever will have, and they have to work with what they've got, but...he's not that hot. He didn't even have "abs of steel" when he posed naked back in 1982, so he certainly doesn't have them now.

6. Make Cosmopolitan subscriptions tax-deductible. Hey, we all know it's one of life's necessities.

I can add nothing to this brilliant suggestion.

7. Women are still underrepresented on the Supreme Court. Fix that.

I must have missed that clause in the Constitution where it states that if a Senator poses naked for a women's magazine, the President's ability to nominate Supreme Court justices transfers to them. Yes, the Senate does vote to confirm any Supreme Court nominations, but Scott Brown only gets one vote. That's if another vacancy happens to open up on the court anytime soon, which it might not. And if it does, there's no guarantee that the Republican Brown is going to support whoever our Democratic president selects, which might not be a woman anyway. This is where the list turns from 'it's funny how dumb this is' to 'it's insulting how dumb this is'.

8. Go to spring training for the Red Sox- and get in the spirit by wearing some tight white baseball pants (when there are plenty of paparazzi around.)

You know who's already at spring training? Hot young baseball players. So no matter how much Cosmo keeps exaggerating Brown's alleged hotness, his presence really isn't required.

9. Since "Cash for Clunkers" was a huge success, draft a bill that will allow us to get a refund on all the money we spend on ex-boyfriends.

Because it's cash for clunkers. Get it? Man, between this and the hilarious schlong and balls jokes earlier, Ashley Womble is just on fire.

10. No matter what happens to the health care reform bill, make sure safe and affordable contraception is available for all Americans.

This is where I completely lose it. This plays into the old stereotype that women will vote for the cute candidate without having a clue what he stands for. And if Cosmo really cared about this issue, maybe they could spend just a little more time educating their readers about which politicians (and which party platform) actually come closest to supporting the goal of access to affordable contraception. Here's a hint, Cosmo: it's not your Hottie Scotty's Republicans, and none of this is the colossal joke that you seem to think it is.


EAMD said...

Have there seriously not been any counterpoint letters/columns/articles published by this ridiculous magazine? I just cannot fathom that the entire Cosmo readership is so blatheringly stupid that NO ONE ELSE IS NOTICING THIS.

Anonymous said...

Wow. just wow. I don't care how lighthearted that article intended to be, it's.. there are no words. yep, us girls are just so silly, we don't actually want to know about how laws and stuff get made, or how it happens that access to birth control is granted or taken away from us. hopefully the cute strong boys will take care of it for us.

ceirdwenfc said...

I stared at this article for what seemed like a very long time. I wasn't sure that I had actually read that balls joke. I really thought I had imagined it.

Then, I didn't know what to say, but lucky for me (and this is true), I read the comments, and Anonymous said it. Perfectly.

Thank you.

One thing, though...Cosmo doesn't think that Scott Brown should look for girlfriends for his daughters; only male staffers?