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February 2, 2010

Cosmo's 99 Recycled Sex Moves

Every month Cosmo offers so many sex tips that they're bound to run out of them eventually. (We already know that they recycled that dumb vibrator-on-the-side-of-the-mouth trick twice in a three-month period.) But we really think that they've just completely run out of ideas by now. Their past covers have tempted us with these sex-obsessed headlines:

"100% Hotter Sex" (01/10) ... "His #1 Sex Move" (12/09)
"Foreplay Men Crave" (11/09) ... "Bad Girl Sex" (10/09)
"50 Sex Tricks" (09/09) ... "Guys Rate 125 Sex Moves" (08/09)
"The Orgasm Whisperer: Every Woman Needs One!" (08/09) ... "Sex Extras" (08/09)
"100 Sex Questions" (07/09) ... "Best. Sex. Ever." (06/09)
"Sex He Craves" (05/09) ... "Sex That Brings You Closer" (04/09)
"His Biggest Sex Secrets" (03/09) ... "What Sex Feels Like For Guys" (02/09)
"Get More Pleasure" (02/09) ... "Have An Orgasm Every Time" (01/09)
"Men & Sex: All New All Hot" (01/09) ... "Sex Secrets: Arouse Him Like Crazy" (12/08)
"The Most Satisfying Sex Position" (12/08) ... "Bad Girl Sex" (11/08)
"How Long Guys Want Sex To Last" (10/08) ... "Outrageous Things Chicks Do In Bed" (10/08)
"100 Sex Truths" (09/08) ... "The Sex Position They Lust For" (09/08)
"Cosmo's Big Juicy Sex Poll" (08/08) ... "Sex Extras" (08/08)
"The Hottest Words To Say To A Man During Sex" (07/08)
"Taboo Sex" (07/08) ... "His In-Bed Body Language" (07/08)
"His G-Spot" (06/08) ... "The Hottest Things To Do To A Man" (06/08)
"Our Naughtiest Sex Q&A" (05/08) ... "67 New Sex Tricks" (05/08)
"Be a Sex Genius" (04/08) ... "Little Mouth Moves That Make Sex Hotter" (04/08)
"21 Naughty Sex Tips" (03/08) ... "Arouse Him Like Crazy" (02/08)
"The Most Satisfying Sex Position" (02/08) ... "Dirty Sexy Sex" (01/08)

I could keep going backwards in time, but I think you get the point.

As you can see, Cosmo is all about the sex, but they're bound to be running out of tips by now. (I almost have to hand it to them for selling essentially the exact same magazine every month.)  I'm sorry, but there just aren't that many ways to say "touch him on the penis!" It's reasonable to expect some repetition over two years of sex tips. But what about within, say, six months of issues? Do you think Cosmo could go six months without regurgitating the exact same sex tips? We think not. And we can prove it.

The cover of the February 2010 issue of Cosmopolitan magazine promises 99 SEX MOVES! And these aren't supposed to be the same old boring sex moves from every other issue of Cosmo. Nope! When you turn to page 94-97 for the article, it says:

"99 Hot New Sex Tips... in 20 Words of Less" [emphasis ours].

Yes, that's right. They're claiming that these sex tips are new (and apparently designed to be Twitter updates?) but sorry, they're not new at all. Not only are most of these "moves" not that interesting or exciting or different, but Cosmo has given the same advice time and time again. Either that or they've completely contradicted the advice in the past. (There may be two or three that we haven't seen 100 times, but that's mainly because they're really dumb and ridiculous, not because they're hot and new.)

1. Drop by his place unexpectedly wearing knee high boots, a trench... and nothing else.

Well if that's how they've decided to start off this amazing list, it doesn't give me much hope for the other 98 "moves". This is so tired and cliched that probably everyone on earth has thought of this idea before. I'm not saying it's necessarily a bad idea, but it's certainly not brand new. If you don't believe me just google "trench coat heels naked" and see how many people have thought of it before. (By the way, even if they want to claim one of the oldest ideas on earth is "new", Marie Claire still beat them to it.)

2. En route to meet him, text your guy dirty stuff you want him to do to you once you're there.

Do I really need to explain why there's nothing "new" about sending sexy texts? How bout the fact that Cosmo gave almost the same advice in the past (including in the same issue as these 99 new moves):
...discreetly text him while you're having dinner at his parents' house and let him know what you're going to do to him when you get home. [February 2010]

To figure out if your guy would be into phone sex, send him a graphic text first. If he responds with something naughty, there's a good chance he'll be into it. [August 2009]

What can she do to ensure that she's on your mind all day?
Send me a dirty text.....33.2% [The Cosmo Sex Poll, August 2009]

What sexy text should a girl send to let you know she wants action tonight?
"Busy this evening? You can do whatever you want to me.".....45.3%
"I want you inside me tonight.".....27.9%
"Tonight you're my sex slave, and I'm calling the shots".....18.7%
"Let's get dirty later.".....8% [The Cosmo Sex Poll, August 2009]
Sending him a naughty midday message will get you both fired up for quitting time. Try texting something like "Warning: I'm gonna rip your clothes off when I get home." [Cosmopolitan.com]
Although wait... last month Cosmo warned us that we shouldn't send sexy texts because our guys are likely to share them:
If his friends pass around their GF's latest sexy texts for everyone to see, he may be dying to show them yours so he can be part of the club. [January 2010]
Also, we sure hope that the women taking this advice are "en route" via public transportation... because we all know how dangerous it is to text and drive. We know this because Cosmo told us so:
A major new study reveals that texting increases your risk of crashing by a terrifying 2,300 percent. [November 2009]

3. Rub his nerve-packed frenulum (where the head of the penis meets the shaft) with your thumb using medium pressure.
...place the pads of both thumbs on the underside (at the frenulum). Press firmly, massaging dime-size circles into his sweet spot [September 2009]

4. Lube up his shaft, get on top, and slide up and down against him - never letting him actually enter you.
My old girlfriend would have me pull out so she could rub my shaft against her external wetness. - Spence 22 [Cosmopolitan.com]

5. While he's kissing you, suck on his tongue seductively, imitating what you do to his penis.
As he focuses on thrusting, take his tongue into your mouth, and very lightly suck on it so your lip action mimics the rhythm of his hips. [Cosmopolitan.com]
6. Try Skype sex. Keep your camera pointed above your shoulders, so he sees just your O face.
For the evenings when you're not with your guy, bring your laptop into bed with you and use Skype [Cosmopolitan.com]
7. Lick your lips before heading downtown. It lets him know you enjoy it, making it even more pleasurable for him.

Is it even possible that Cosmo thinks they invented the idea of licking your lips? I mean, really? Can you even call licking your lips a sex move?
Wet your lips and moan that you can't wait to taste me - Sam, 22 [Cosmopolitan.com]

8. On the ride home, touch his knee. The closer to home you get, the closer you move toward his package.

This one just seems so tame and boring to be a "sex tip". It makes me think of that moment from the Brady Bunch Movie: "Your hand is on my shoulder. That's third base."

9. Ask him over for dessert. Lie naked with a few pieces of chocolate on you that he can nibble off.
Toss candy into a bowl, and take turns choosing a piece. Come up with ways to eat the treats off each other's body, like licking one off his penis or having him nibble it off your chest. [August 2009]
Not only did they repeat the tip - they even repeated the word "nibble". C'mon Cosmo, get a thesaurus or something.

10. Take his testicles into your mouth and hum. The vibration will feel amazing.
Take one or both of his testicles into your mouth ... light pressure is best. [September 2009]

Vocalize your enthusiasm with aahs and oohs while you have him in your mouth ... the vibrations will skyrocket his bliss. [September 2009] 

11. In missionary, put your ankles over his shoulders. This will lift your butt and allow him to hit your G-spot.
...lift your legs and rest your ankles on his shoulders. Putting a small pillow under your hips will help position you at just the right angle. [Cosmopolitan.com]
12. Go reverse-cowgirl, then lie down so your head is near his feet - giving him an awesome booty view.
Face his legs instead of his face when you're on top. (Hold onto his feet for balance.) He'll get a great view of your backside - a surefire turn-on [Cosmopolitan.com]

My ex used to totally thrill me by riding me reverse cowgirl-style and pining my ankles to the bed - Dominick, 24 [Cosmopolitan.com]

13. Wear boy shorts during sex (just have him pull them aside). The friction will create phenomenal friction against his shaft.

This tip was originally given with a thong:
As things get going, pull your thong aside for him to enter you. [Cosmopolitan.com]
But now Cosmo is anti-thong. They wrote an entire feature on it "The Thong is Dead!" raving about boyshorts as the thong's replacement. They must be getting a lot of boyshorts advertising revenue:
"...women have told us guys absolutely love it." [February 2010]

What type of lingerie makes you want to pick her up and carry her to bed?
Cotton boy shorts and a little tank top.....38.4% [The Cosmo Sex Poll, August 2009]

14. While he's down south, have him trace sexy words with his tongue to mix things up and introduce new sensations.
Have him use the tip of his tongue to trace circles or figure eights. [Cosmopolitan.com]
15. Intensify his orgasm: As he's climaxing, firmly grab his ass and pull him into you as deep as possible.
While in missionary, this chick grabbed my butt, pulled me in... -Andy, 24 [Cosmopolitan.com]

I can tell what my lady’s craving during sex by the way she handles my ass. She grips tighter for deeper penetration... - Ryan, 21 [Cosmopolitan.com] 
16. While he's pleasuring you, have him put his finger inside you in a come-hither motion to hit your G-spot.

...by having your man slide two well-lubed fingers inside and making come-hither motions against your front vaginal wall [Cosmopolitan.com]
17. Have him sit cross-legged. Then wrap your legs around his waist to take in all of him.
She and I will sit cross-legged, wrap your arms around each other tightly, and gently rock our way to orgasm. - Xavier, 24 [Cosmpolitan.com]
Wrap your legs around his waist while he crosses his legs Indian-style, then put your arms around his neck as he holds you under your hips. [Cosmopolitan.com]

18. Pucker your lips, and make him fight to get his tongue in while he's kissing you.
My girl pretended not to want to kiss me. I had to use my tongue to pry her mouth open passionately. - Ron, 25 [Cosmopolitan.com]

19. Stick out your tongue so it's flat and broad. Lightly pat his penis against it while you're giving him oral.
Gently but confidently tap the head of his penis against your tongue [September 2009]

20. Using a silky tie, gently bind his hands behind his back. Then torture him with a slow striptease.

It's so Cosmo to not only act like binding your guy's hands as soooo naughty, but to not even recommend doing anything more exciting than a slow striptease while you've got him tied up. Boring.
Have your guy at your mercy by binding his wrists. ... Use something soft but substantial, like a thin scarf, a necktie, or the belt from a trench coat. [November 2009]

What's the absolute sexiest sight she can treat you to?
Doing a slow striptease.....19.1% [The Cosmo Sex Poll, August 2009]

Tie your guys hands together with a scarf, and ever so slowly strip off your clothes in front of ihm, giving him a show he will never forget.[August 2009]

Tell your guy to lie down, then use handcuffs, scarves, or a necktie to tether his hands together so he can’t touch you. Next, you want to torture him playfully with your teasing. [Cosmopolitan.com]

21. When he's on top, lift your butt and clench your thighs right before you climax to make it more intense.
In missionary, raise your legs... and close them together. The angle lets him go deeper and makes you feel tighter. —Tina, 30
22. While out, lick the neck of a beer bottle the way you plan on licking him later.
Seeing a woman's lips glide over the neck of a beer bottle always makes me think of her mouth on me. - Ty, 21 [Cosmopolitan.com]

23. Have him suck your nipples and then slowly blow a stream of air on them for a cool, shivery effect.
Try licking ... and then blowing ... This will cause the moisture to evaporate and give chills[September 2009]

24. Stay silent until you're about to orgasm... then let yourself go. Your animalistic noises will drive him wild.

Hm, they suggested this "silent sex" tip a few month ago...
Have silent sex with a competitive twist: You each have to try your best to make the other person moan first. [August 2009]
But it seems that Cosmo is torn on the silent/noisy issue. Much more often they advise against beign too quiet:
A girl who makes a lot of noise is the best. It lets me know when I'm doing something right and makes me feel like a total rock star [November 2009]

Verbal communication is crucial. If she likes what I am doing, then she should tell me that. If she has suggestions, she should tell me those too. [November 2009]

If she's really loud about her orgasm, it reassures me that I have the green light to finish whenever I want. [November 2009]

Telling him you're about to orgasm is the ultimate accolade [October 2009]

What's something a woman may do in bed that totally turns you off?
Stay totally silent.....41.8% [The Cosmo Sex Poll, August 2009]

When it comes to sex, you shouldn't be the strong, silent type. "Just like you rely on her moans to clue you in to what she likes, she needs to hear your approval to know what gets you going" [August 2009]

25. Make him "stir" by swiveling his hips in a circle. He'll hit every part of you.
Get your guy to skip the in-and-out thrusts and ask him to "stir" with his penis. He'll stimulate every steamy inch of you. [Cosmopolitan.com]


Moving in circles like a belly dancer makes you feel extra seductive, and you'll get totally tingly with his shaft rubbing against your vaginal walls. [Cosmopolitan.com]

26. Take as much of his package as you can in your mouth, and suck firmly - he'll absolutely love the pressure.
..suck on the head like you're using a straw to suck up a milk shake. Most guys aren't used to this kind of suction, so it will be a pleasant surprise. [September 2009]
....my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard...

27. Lie facedown with him on top, keeping your legs closed tight. This creates the ultimate friction as he thrusts.
She lay flat on her stomach with her legs together and told me to straddle her, then enter her between her closed legs. It took me a minute to realize this would work. It was a tight squeeze, but that's what was so cool about it. [Cosmopolitan.com]
Or, try man-on-top nooky by keeping your legs straight and squeezing your thighs together as he thrusts. [Cosmopolitan.com]

28. Try role-playing. Every guy has a teacher/student fantasy, so grab a ruler and make him call you Miss.

Every guy is hot for teacher!
Role-play that one of you is unexperienced and needs sex lessons. .... Then get together for the very X-rated tutorial. [October 2009]

Write on strips of paper the role-playing scenarios you both want to try: teacher/student... [August 2009]

29. Ask him to kiss your V zone instead of licking it. The gentler pressure of his lips won't overstimulate you.
Next time he's lavishing your breasts or belly with kisses, tell him, in your most sensuous voice, how amazing it would feel if he did that to you below the belt. [Cosmopolitan.com]
30. Anytime he does something you like, dig your nails into his back. It lets him know you love it.
Guys tend to be tougher than us, so feel free to manhandle. ...scratch your nails down his back [Cosmopolitan.com]
31. Rub some mint lip balm on your finger, and put it on his nipples. It'll make them tingle.
Adding minty concoctions to your mattress moves is another way to give him some spine-tingly thrills he won't soon forget. [Cosmopolitan.com]
32. Bounce while you're on top. The sight of your breasts jiggling like crazy will be superarousing for him.

Is bouncing while you're on top really a sex move? It seems a little obvious... like half of the time while you're on top bouncing is sort of inevitable.
If she has a nice rack, I'm thinking about getting her on top so I can watch them bounce. [November 2009]

33. Why you're ready, tell him that you need him inside you. That word expresses much more urgency than want does.
The hottest thing a woman can say when she sees you naked is:
"I want you inside me".....56.7%" [The Cosmo Sex Poll, August 2009]
Be direct by saying something like "I want to have sex with you." [Cosmopolitan.com]

34. Spread a few drops of massage oil on your breasts before getting busy. This way, you'll slide against him sexily.
Just watch what happens to foreplay when he drizzles some over your breasts and lets his hands glide all over you. [August 2009]

35. Place your tongue on the roof of your mouth, and take the tip of him in. It's a new sensation.

We didn't understand this move the first time. We still don't.
Press the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth to protect the back of your throat. Bring his penis into your mouth; when his head hits the back of your tongue, it will give him a feeling similar to when you deep-throat. [September 2009]

36. Postshower, let him bend you over the sink and take you from behind. Make eye contact in the mirror.
... he'll be totally shocked if you jump him when he gets out of the shower. Slip into the bathroom, and position yourself naked on the sink [October 2009]

37. Have him lick the underside of your breasts - the skin there is almost as sensitive as your nipples are.

I need our readers to comment on this one. My totally non-scientific research on the subject (I asked a few friends) say that this is absolutley untrue. I'm afraid I have to agree with them... but we don't want another situation like the handjob controversy with people telling us we criticized the licking-of-the-underside-of-the-breasts move so please someone convince us that we're wrong?

38. Start the action with your hair pulled up. While on top of him, shake it loose and whip it around.

Yep, Cosmo invented shaking your hair loose. Well, Cosmo and naughty librarian/teacher fantasies... (which reminds us, see #28).


39. Let him use his tongue against your clitoris over your underwear. The indirect stimulation is perfect for that sensitive spot.

Touching through successively thinner layers will raise the intensity, so when you finally reach actual skin, it will feel amazing. - Colleen, 31 [Cosmopolitan.com]
40. Midsex, clench your puboccoccygeus (PC) muscles for five seconds.
Squeeze your PC muscles for a count of five [October 2009]
Apparently five seconds is the ideal amount of time to squeeze your PC muscles. Cosmo must have tested this.

41. Hold his penis in one hand, and flick your tongue quickly - like a snake - around the perimeter of the tip.
Flick your tongue around the base of his penis - it's typically a neglected spot. [September 2009]

Flick just the tip of my penis with your tongue. Do it over and over. - Keith, 22 [Cosmopolitan.com]

42. Keep two wet washcloths in the fridge. Postsex whip them out to give each other a refreshing cooldown.
For a real treat, pop those silky numbers in the freezer a day before you're ready for action.[Cosmopolitan.com]

43. Gently run your fingers over every part of his body... except his package.

Okay, how many times are they going to tell us to run our fingers up and down a various body part? See #45 and 68...

44. With the lights on, sprawl out on the bed before the action begins to give him the full awesome view.
Stay naked until he shows up, and let him see the flush that naturally spreads over your body [October 2009]

45. While you're on top, graze your fingers over the area where his abs meet his hips. It's supersensitive.
Snaking from the bottom of the rib cage to the hips is a powerful nerve [November 2009]

46. Have him massage your booty while giving you oral. Stress is stored there, so the combination feels really intense.
A back massage is good, but a nice, firm butt massage — that's even better [Cosmopolitan.com]
At least they reversed the genders on this one:
Take oral sex to a whole new level by caressing his butt cheeks as you're going down on him. Double his pleasure with the synchronized motions that let you control the pacing. [Cosmopolitan.com]
47. Postorgasm, gently squeeze his testicles. It'll give him a sexy aftershock.

Sexy? Maybe. Shock? Probably...
At the moment he climaxes, that sensitivity is at its highest, and for the next few minutes even the most gentle stroke may leave him reciling in pain [February 2010]

48. Sway your hips from side to side during doggie-style instead of back and forth in order to hit new nerves.
...stick to gyrating back and forth or in circles [Cosmopolitan.com] 
49. Ask him to bind your hands with your underwear. Tell him he has 10 minutes to torture you with pleasure.

More being tied up...
Telling your guy that you can't wait to get him home because you want him to bind your hands with his necktie will make his head explode (in a good way). [February 2010]

Lie on the bed with your hands tied together, and let him devour you. [October 2009]
(You'll notice that the first repetition of this "tip" was from the February 2010 issue. The same one that move #49 is in. Go Cosmo!)

50. Place one hand at the base of his shaft, and twist the tip with the other - like you're opening a jar.
Put one hand at the base of his shaft and the other right on top of it. Then firmly grip him as you move your hands in opposite directions, twisting at the same time. [October 2009]

Grasp the lower shaft of his penis with one fisted hand and the upper part of his penis with your other fisted hand ... Then lightly twist your hands in opposite directions, as though you're wringing a towel dry. [September 2009]

Make two fists around my shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can. - Jaime, 30 [Cosmopolitan.com]

51. Rub your hands together for a few seconds before touching his junk. Your warm hands will make things much hotter.

Wait, is Cosmo trying to tell us that warm hands feel better on a naked penis than cold hands? They're really scraping the bottom of the barrel for "sex tips".


52. When you think he's about to blow, pinch his nipples. This sends lots of guys over the edge.
News flash: Guys have nipples too, and they're a lot more sensitive than you'd think. [Cosmopolitan.com]
My girlfriend and I grabbed each other’s nipples during sex and squeezed them in sync with every thrust. The mix of pain and pleasure took me over the top. —Ronaldo, 24 [Cosmopolitan.com]

53. Keep your lips tense when using them on his member - the firmer, the better.

Just remember not to keep them too firm:
Cover your teeth with your lips [Cosmopolitan.com]

54. During missionary sex, place your feet on his chest with your legs crossed to create an extra snug grip.
Spice up missionary style and feel superdeep penetration by drawing your knees toward your chest and grasping the back of your thighs. You can also place the soles of your feet on his chest [Cosmopolitan.com]
55. Lightly wrap a cheap beaded necklace around his package, and then move it back and forth.
For another surprising texture, try looping a faux pearl necklace around his well-lubed penis and lightly rolling it back and forth... [September 2009] 

56. Try no-hands foreplay. Your only allowed to touch each other using other body parts: lips, breasts, hair, feet...
Press his penis against surprising parts of your body. Ideas: Hold it against your inner thigh to teach him like crazy; touch the tip of his penis against your breast, and rub his frenulum against your nipple; or bring the side of his against the outisde of one of your cheeks [September 2009]
Tell him to keep his hands to himself. You can explore each other's bodies with your lips, tongues, and breath. [Cosmopolitan.com]
If your hair is long enough, lightly drag it over his penis and testicles, all the way up his chest, and back down. [September 2009]

57. Hold some sparkling water in your mouth while giving him oral. The bubbles plus warmth will make him quiver.
I had a girl take a sip of champagne and then pop a mint into her mouth before going down on me. The bubbles dissolved the mint faster and made it so tingly that I almost exploded! —Eric, 25 [Cosmopolitan.com]

58. Try lube ice cubes (sold at drugstores). Your body heat melts them, making sex slippery and steamy.
...freezable lubes (try Durex Quiver) work like an ice cube at first, then melt - perfect for summer nights. [August 2009]

59. Lean over the arm of the couch, and let him give you oral from behind - the position exposes different spots.
There's something so taboo about giving a girl oral from behind - Ian, 18 [Cosmopolitan.com]

60. Lick his shaft, then breath hot air onto it. The warming combo of your tongue and breath is killer.
...breathe on it with your mouth wide open, like you would blow on your hands to warm them on a cold day. The sexy heat will be intense. [September 2009]

61. Try an arousal oil, like Zestra or Intrigue, to make your lady parts more sensitive.
Warming lubes (try KY Intense) can boost arousal by increasing blood flow to your clitoris [August 2009]

62. Have sex in an empty bathtub. The confined space keeps you close and forces you to get creative.

Okay, I will give this one to Cosmo. I have never heard of this particular tip before. Maybe that's because it... seems pretty unsexy? So you get the cold, hard surface of bath sex without all the fun of being in water? If you want to get fucked somewhere very uncomfortable, just do it in the back of a volkswagon.


63. Lift your hips a bit while riding him so he can see himself moving in and out of you.
With him in a seated position, straddle him, then place his hands on your hips to keep you secure, and lean all the way back ...Your body will be completely exposed to him, giving him an incredible 'Oh, my God' erotic view as he moves in and out. [October 2009]

64. Sit in a chair while he gives you oral. It opens you up more and is easier for him.

Chair... couch... bed... table... it's all the same idea. See #87.

65. Try 69, but instead of lying on top, lie side by side.
...try the side-by-side configuration: Lie on your sides, with your mouths directly in front of each other's genitals. Bend your top legs at the knee and put your feet flat on the mattress. Then you can rest your heads on the lower thigh. [Cosmopolitan.com]  

66. Put two pillows under your butt when he's on top to help him hit your G-spot.
I had a fling with a girl who would prop her hips up with stack of pillows... - Jeremy, 25 [Cosmopolitan.com]
Putting a small pillow under your hips will help position you at just the right angle. [Cosmopolitan.com]

67. When he's about to finish, switch positions. Go from doggie-style to spooning or girl-on-top to reverse-cowgirl.
...change positions or tweak the one you're already in. If you're on top, for example, switch so you're facing way from him. [August 2009]
Oh my god? We can change positions mid-sex? I didn't know that was allowed! Scandalous!


68. Sit behind him, press your breasts against his back, and run your fingers up and down his chest.
...press your bare breasts against his back. Reach around to the front of him, and trail your fingers down his chest until you reach his boxers. [January 2010]

...press your chest into his back so it looks like you're just giving him a playful hug from behind. Then subtly rub your breasts and pelvis against him for several lingering seconds. [December 2009]

Approach him from behind and rub your breasts against his sudsy back [September 2009]

69. Keep on a blingly necklace during sex. It'll draw extra attention to your girls.
My girl changes her look when we have sex, like by keeping her jewelry on... —Vin, 27 [Cosmopolitan.com]
70. Before he becomes hard (and gets too big), take his whole penis in your mouth.

ZZZZZZZZZZZ.
 

71. Set your cell-phone alarm for 3 a.m., and then wake him up for a quickie.

I don't know about this one... it just smacks of that "planned spontaneity" that Cosmo loves. W]e're all for the middle-of-the-night quickie but why not let it happen naturally?

72. Have him place a finger inside you, and put one of yours in too. Doing it together feels totally erotic.
Another hands-on advantage: You take charge of your orgasmic destiny. "When a guy can't find my G-spot, I'll gently take his fingers and guide them ... He still gets to be the source of my pleasure, but I'm the one exploding with ecstasy." [Cosmopolitan.com]

When I put a finger in my girl, she inserted one of her digits so I could feel our fingers together. - Sandy 29 [Cosmopolitan.com]

73. Wear a leather belt around your naked waist during doggie style. He can pull on it to create more bounce.

This is like Cosmo's vanilla-version of wearing a collar or bondage harness?
My girlfriend once left on a leather belt while I took her from behind. The image of leather jostling back and forth with each thrust... wow - Rich, 27 [Cosmopolitan.com]
74. Let him finish on your naked breasts.

You know what... fuck that. I'm not even going to go looking or an issue where Cosmo repeated this tip. Anyone who has ever watched porn knows about this move.


75. Suck his tip while lightly running your nails up and down his shaft.
I go wild when a girl sucks the head of my penis while running her nails up and down my shaft - Karl, 23 [Cosmopolitan.com]
76. Write him a graphic note, and slip it in his pocket when he's leaving to turn him on.
...slip one of these cards into his pocket in the morning so he'll find it at work... and then fantasize about you for the rest of the day. [February 2010]

77. Have him fold his tongue like a taco and put it inside you. Then have him flatten it out.

Hm. Well first of all, using the word "taco" for anything related to sex automatically turns me off. But... I'm confused how exactly one folds his tongue like a taco anyway. Are we talking about a horizontal or vertical fold? Isn't that one of those things that only certain people can do? Please advise.

78. Rub the tip of his penis against your lips, like you're applying lipstick.

Honestly, we thought they were making this one up... until we saw this:
Rub my penis against your lips like you're applying lipstick - Henry 23
79. Keep him inside you post-sex. Wait a bit, then clench your PC muscles to get him hard for round two.

Hm, that doesn't seem like a good idea, especially not if he's wearing a condom. Because all you really need is for the condom to slip off and get lost inside you.
After climax, it's uncomfortable to wilt inside a condom. Your guy will love it if you remove his condom right away... - Justin, 29 [Cosmopolitan.com]
80. Tweak your own nipples, and let him watch.
...fondle your breasts and nipples with your hands. Tell him that he's turning you on so much, you just can't help but touch yourself. [December 2009]

Start by touching your own nipples with one hand [October 2009]

...slowly trace each nipple with your fingers... The sight of your hands anywhere on your own body will drive him crazy. [August 2009]

81. Straddle him and pull your knees up so he gets a carnal view during sex.
Straddle me, then bring your knees up to your breasts, so I can see and feel you at the same time." --Gregory, 34 [Cosmopolitan.com]

82. Kiss him, then lean in and say "You make me so wet" to get things going.
The final physical response your guy should interpret cautiously: the amount of lubrication you produce. Experts say that how wet you are doesn't necessarily reflect how turned on you are, just as it's also true that sometimes your body effortlessly produces motion lotion when you're not ready to rumble. [Cosmopolitan.com]

83. Take him in at an angle so his tip hits your cheek - the softness feels great on that sensitive spot.
Guide his penis at an angle inside your mouth so that it hits the inside of one cheek ... The soft texture of your cheek will feel good on his tip. [September 2009]

84. Turn your vibrator on low, and place it against the underside of his shaft.
If she pulls out a vibrator, part of me feels like Johnny Boy isn't getting the job done. On the other hand, I feel like it's going to be an interesting night. [November 2009]

Share your girlie toys -- wrap your hands around a vibrator and his shaft as you suck on the head, press a vibe against the base of his penis between his testicles [September 2009]

What kind of sexy prop would you love to bring into bed?
A vibrator or vibrating ring.....26.1% [The Cosmo Sex Poll, August 2009]
85. Skip the whipped cream and try pudding. It is less sticky and feels cool on your skin.
What kind of sexy prop would you love to bring into bed?
Whipped cream or chocolate sauce.....22.7% [The Cosmo Sex Poll, August 2009]
 
86. Dim the lights, prop your back against the headboard, and give him a solo-sex show.
...let him watch you masturbate [October 2009]

...slowly touch yourself in front of him [September 2009]

What the absolute sexiest sight she can treat you to?
Touching herself in front of me.....34% [The Cosmo Sex Poll, August 2009]

87. Try lying spread-eagle while receiving oral - many chicks close their body (like by crossing their arms).
My fiance will lean back on the bed and use her fingers to spread herself wide, as if she's inviting me to explore her body. - Art, 29 [Cosmopolitan.com]

 88. Hop in the shower with him while wearing nothing but a white tee.
An ex once came to bed in a soaking wet white tee shirt. The sight was jaw-dropping. - Nick, 30 [Cosmopolitan.com]
89. Put your hand at the base of his penis. Move it to meet your mouth as you bob your head.

Okay, please read that one again. They just described... a blow job. A simple blowjob with no frills or extras. Why is a blowjob on the list of hot new sex moves!?

90. Self-conscious about being loud? Turn your stereo up to full blast, then moan as loudly as you desire.
I love having sex while blasting loud music. It makes it easier to let loose. - Casper, 23 [Cosmopolitan.com]

91. Lick his fingers before he touches your nipples. The wetness eases movement and increases sensation

Here's a fun little experiment. Count how many times Cosmo says the word "nipples". I'm sorry, but I can't give them credit for this one. They told you to touch the nipples, tweak the nipples, lick the nipples, suck the nipples... They even told you to put mint lip balm on the nipples. But the fact that they can repackage wetting your fingers before touching any body part as abrand new sex tip is hilarious.

92. Have him touch either side of your clitoris, where there are loads of nerves.

Apparently women have this thing called a clitoris and it has loads of nerves. Thank you Cosmo for letting us know.
Have him start with a tease by holding his first and second fingers in a V, placing them on either side of your clitoris, and massaging in a scissoring motion. [October 2009]

93. Lie next to him on the bed, with your head by his feet. Then manually stimulate each other.
While lying side by side, grab one of his hands, and use it to stimulate your clitoris. - Samantha, 25 [Cosmopolitan.com]
94. Wait in his car when he's leaving for work. Give him a quick BJ before he drives off.

Talk about a crazy new move - I bet no one has ever thought of giving oral sex in the car before!
...pull him into the car and go at it [October 2009]

95. Ask him to tug your lips (down there!) gently while he's thrusting inside you.

Um... no thank you.

96. Keep ice water on your nightstand. Dip your fingers in it, and flick it on his nipples.
...ice and water. The sensation of cold ice on hot skin can be extremely arousing. [September 2009]

Switch off the AC, and take turns running an ice cube all over each other's body. [August 2009]

97. Drop lube in the tip of a condom presex - it'll boost sensations for him.

Cosmo also apparently thinks they invented the concept of putting lube in a condom. I guess, since they think they discovered the brand new amazing invention that is personal lubricant, then why not extend those delusions?
Using a condom? Put a small amount inside the tip before rolling it over his shaft. 'Many guys complain that a condom diminishes the sensation ... Adding a little lube ups the sensitivity he feels inside the latex. [August 2009]

98. During oral, gently knead his testicles with the heel of your hand.
Encircle his testicles at the base, massaging them lightly between your thumb and index finger [September 2009]

99. Pull his hair as he finishes. His scalp has tons of nerve endings, so it'll feel amazing.
....run your fingers through his hair (there are lots of nerve endings in the scalp, so it feels tingly). [August 2009]

After climax, a guy's head can feel overheated and tingly. If you gently pull his hair and massage his scalp, it will quickly relax him. - Chris, 29 [Cosmopolitan.com]
Hair pulling is pretty hot - unless she's pulling so hard that I'm afraid some might come out. [November 2009]

After 99 of these tips, I'm about to pull my hair out.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your Mallrats reference brought the strangest combination of joy and disappointment I have ever felt at the same time.

Tlönista said...

Just as I got to the "nipples" rant, there was a bit in the farm reality TV show in the background all about baby goats going for nipples, and one of the people repeating "nipples" a lot. PERFECT.

(Here via Feministe SPS.)