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April 30, 2010

RuPaul's Drag Race: The ESC is Team Raven

We're still not over the Rupaul's Drag Race Season 2 finale. Raven was robbed!!!

We're still not over the way that the fabulous Pandora Boxx was treated either, but that's a story for another post, and we were happy to see her walk away with the much-deserved title of Miss Congeniality at the reunion.

We're so upset about it, we feel like this:

Tyra is the next Drag Superstar? NO WAY. To quote Raven herself: “Keep your eyes on the stars, you’ll never be one.

We just have a lot of feelings, okay? So to help us work through them, here is our tribute to Raven, an honorary member of the Evil Slut Clique ...

And here are some of our favorite Raven-quotes...
"There are no small people — just big bitches." [LogoTV]

“I don’t speak eloquently. I’m not a lady.”[LogoTV]

"We are making a reality show — don’t sit here and act like we’re filming an episode of 7th Heaven" [Popwatch]

"In my interviews, I was always being questioned about Tatianna. So it was like, OK, I’m gonna help create this story to make it better. It’s a f***ing TV show. And that’s what kills me when I see on Facebook, “Get rid of Tyra. Get rid of Raven. They’re bitches.” You want to watch a show that’s a bunch of people running around nice and kissing? ...
It’s a TV show. And that’s why when I see people who are like blogging about how I’m such a bitch and how they hate me, it’s like, OK, you’re the only one allowed to be a bitch? You bought that franchise? Just because I’m speaking my mind and giving my opinion when it’s asked for, I’m being a bitch. OK. Change the definition and stick my picture next to it. It’s so funny how other people are allowed to be bitchy, but we aren’t." [VH1. Bolded for awesomeness.]
That one in particular really struck a chord with us, not just because we're strong advocates for the right to be a bitch on TV, but also because we were so annoyed by the way viewers and some cast members - and the Reunion special in particular - put so much emphasis on what a cold, heartless bitch Raven was and the terrible, hurtful things she said about people. Meanwhile, they completely ignored all the terrible, hurtful things everyone else said...I mean, Tatianna really made us laugh with her stance that when she was talking smack, it was totally different.

The audacity of those queens to suggest that Raven was jealous or insecure - um, no. And what the fuck was with the whole Tyra-has-really-grown-and-changed bullshit? Not according to the bitchy shit she said backstage at the reunion (thanks to the absolute best "recapper" in the fucking world and our not-so-secret blogger-crush Rich Juzwiak). America's Sweetheart, my ass.

But this isn't supposed to be about those bitches. It's supposed to be about our favorite bitch, Raven... so we'll leave you with one more quote. Words to live by:
"Do your makeup responsibly...that's the biggest thing, when I see a queen with Cover Girl on. It doesn't cover a boy. Plain and simple."

April 28, 2010

Dumb Things Men Still Say in 2010

It's not like I'm surprised that there are men out there who still think this way, but it's still a special moment when they come right out and say it:
Being attorney general is a man’s job, and if Andy Thomas wants to attack somebody he should do it himself. He’s always hiding behind Jason Rose and… Barnett Lotsein” - Tom Horne, who is running against Thomas in the Republican primary for attorney general. [Arizona Capital Times blog via Emily's List. Emphasis mine.]
Emily's List is not amused:
This must have come as a surprise to EMILY's List candidate Felecia Rotellini, who has over 20 years of experience as an attorney and prosecutor protecting Arizonans and is mounting a strong campaign for the seat. It may also come as a surprise to the voters of Arizona, who elected another EMILY's List alum, Janet Napolitano, to serve in the same spot more than a decade ago.
When your argument basically boils down to 'you're not man enough to be attorney general! If you've got something to say, say it to my face!', it may be time to rethink your political strategy and audition for a reality show instead.

Personally, I think that real men would settle this with a dance-off.

April 27, 2010

Timeline of Your Relationship

Our last blog entry Your Relationship Questions Answered... Sorta inspired this timeline... Are you on schedule, according to Cosmo?

For more "answers" to your relationship questions: click here

Your Relationship Questions Answered... Sorta.

Cosmo is famous for their one-size-fits-all relationship advice, but their 100 Relationship Questions (Answered in 20 Words or Less) by Mina Azod is just something else.

Why 20 words or less? What is this Twitter?
If you're like most chicks, you analyze your love life to death. Not so great. To help cut through some of the guesswork -- and definitely some of the BS -- we asked experts to respond to common relationship issues really, really directly.
Oh most chicks analyze their love lives to death? Even Cosmo's Fun Fearless Females!? Well, I guess we can't expect them not to generalize women chicks, when the entire article is based on generalizations... And well, over-analyzing relationships based on generalizations is pretty much Cosmo's bread-and-butter.

We're not going to critique all 100 of the questions/answers, because well, that would take too fucking long! Some of them were actually semi-sorta-kinda-not-so-bad, so here are just some of our personal favorites:
1. It's been four days since the date, and he hasn't called. Is he not into it? Maybe. Email and say you had a great time. If he doesn't take the bait, move on mentally.
Maybe? Way to answer that question really, really directly. Well, I guess they already proved with the very first question that there is no one-size-fits-all answer to questions like these.

Their advice isn't that bad, except that it relies on you knowing this guy's email address, which works if you met the guy online but if you met him in the "old fashioned" way? You know, like by using one of Cosmo's Fun, Fearless Ways to Meet a Guy (ordering the same drink as a guy at the coffee shop so you can proclaim him your "coffee soulmate" or chasing after him with a receipt that you he dropped) and didn't think to exchange emails on the first date?
2. How do I keep my husband's little quirks from driving me crazy? Focus on the flip side. For example, if he's messy, be hapy he's laid-back and not superanal.
First off, kudos to Cosmo for acknowledging that marriages are relationships too! We think it's good advice to try to find positives where you see negatives, but if his messiness really does drive you crazy, then maybe you wouldn't mind if he was a little more anal. Of course, this is the sort of thing that should have been figured out before getting married, no?
4. When can I start leaving stuff at his place? When you're consistently staying over for consecutive nights. Start small... like with a toothbrush.
Why does it have to be consecutive nights? I think they're right about the "consistently staying over" part... you don't ask for a drawer after the first time you sleep over, but what do consecutive nights have to do with it? Do you only need to brush your teeth on consecutive nights?

There was a point in time when I had been dating a guy for almost a year and had only once or twice stayed over for consecutive nights. (I was over quite often, but not usually on consecutive nights, because of our crazy work schedules.) If I had had to wait longer than that to leave some basic toiletries - like a toothbrush and deodorant - well, let's just say it would've been a pretty stinky relationship.
5. I think his friends are a bad influence. What can I do? Nada. Men are loyal to their buds. What matters is that his behavior doesn't change around them.
This is true... but it really depends on what kind of a bad influence they are. Are they just random douchebags or are they a really bad influence, like drug dealers or assassins or... Republicans?
7. He never plans anything. How do I get him to step up? Take him on a date he'll love, like to a sporting event. Then suggesting alternating organizing nights out.
Ah, of course, a sporting event! Because all men love sports and all women hate them, so it's a great way of showing your man how much you're willing to sacrifice to make him happy. Sure. Even if you're in a relationship where this stereotype is true - how does planning something he would love make him more likely to plan something you would love? You know what also works? Communication. Telling him how happy it would make you if he'd make some plans for you both once in a while.
8. It's been five years and he hasn't proposed to me yet. Bad sign? Not always. Unless you spell out when you expect that ring, he'll assume you're okay with the status quo.
Hm, there are a few things wrong with this. One, why is there a set schedule on something like this anyway? Two, why do you have to wait for the guy to propose? (Can't she propose to him?) And while we definitely think that it's important to be open and honest about what kind of long-term hopes and goals you have for your relationship, something about the phrasing "spell out when you expect that ring" just rubs us the wrong way.
11. He never admits he's wrong. How can I change that? Make a playful bet on the right answer, like winner gets a massage, so he'll have to fess up.
Yeah, okay. So if he's already got a complex about always being right, adding additional stakes is sure to help that problem.
13. What can I say to break the ice with a guy? "Hi, my name is ___________." Then compliment something, like the color of his shirt on him.
Wait a minute... that's almost crazy enough to work!!!
16. I went to college; he didn't. Can it still work? If you admire his intelligence and drive, then his degree level doesn't matter.
We're actually impressed by this answer. We agree that education doesn't necessarily have any correlation to intelligence. However, it's still a little annoying that this was included in the list of questions.
25. How can I tell if I like the sex more than I like him? If you text him only between the hours of midnight and 6 a.m.
Hm, that's really mature. You know that if a girl complained that a guy was doing this, Cosmo would trash-talk him as being a player or a jerk. But when the genders are reversed, it's totally cool.
26. He doesn't want kids, but I do. Should I walk away now? If you just started dating, no. But if you're considering marriage and it's a deal breaker, yes.
So you should keep dating him, hoping that he'll change his mind and then wait until you've been dating for a long time to walk away over something that you knew about from the start. But whatever you do, never have an actual conversation about it.
27. What's a guaranteed way to impress his friends? On his guys' night, call the pub they're at and tell the bartender their first round is on you.
This would actually be a really nice thing to do (it could come off as slightly stalky, but still nice)... However it's a logistical nightmare. It only works if they happen to be going to a pub, you know which one, you know the bartender - and more importantly - the bartender knows them. Otherwise it's just some crazy girl calling every bar in town saying she wants to buy drinks for a random group of guys.
38. We've been dating for a while, but I still haven't met his friends. Why not? He's probably not thinking long-term. Most men need the thumbs-up from their buddies before they get serious.
Or maybe he's just nervous to introduce you. Or maybe his friends are douchebags. Or maybe it just hasn't come up. Or maybe he's ashamed of you. Or maybe he has another girlfriend and can't let her know about you. Or yeah, okay, maybe he's just not thinking long-term. We've got a foolproof way of finding out... ask him!
39. What is the best way to get over an ex? Giving it time. And replacing his number with a friend's in your cell, so when you call, you reach her.
Why not just delete his number? If you know it's your friend's number then why would you bother calling it in the first place?
42. Do guys kiss and tell? Men bond by doing stuff, not by talking, so your sex life isn't being dissected.
Bullshit. Guys absolutely do kiss and tell. All of them? Maybe not, but the idea that men never talk about their sex lives is so ridiculous that I actually LOL'd.
43. I cheated, but I want to stay together. Do I confess? No. Figure out why you did it, then put your effort into fixing that aspect of the relationship.
Now, I do understand the idea behind the "don't tell" concept (the theory is that telling will make you feel better, but will hurt the other person). I get it, but I don't agree with it. Lying is lying. Cheating sucks, but to me, cheating is forgivable... if you actually confess and ask for forgiveness. The real betrayal to me, is the lying about it. The odds are that it will come out eventually and then it will be a huge secret you kept from him for an extended period of time, instead of a regrettable mistake that you owned up to immediately.

We definitely agree that you should examine why you cheated and try to correct that issue, but the odds are you have a better chance of fixing your relationship problems together.
44. We've been dating for a year. Can I bring up marriage? Sure. Ask a no-pressure hypothetical, like "Who do you think will be your best man?"
Is that really a no-pressure hypothetical? It seems like an obvious baiting question. It is possible to talk about marriage - really talk about it - in a no-pressure kind of way. But fake hypotheticals will never take the place of a real, mature conversation.
49. What does it mean if he says "I need some space"? "I want to break up but am too chicken to tell you."
Or... maybe it means... "I need some space"?
52. He asked how many men I've slept with. What can I say that's not specific? "My number is more than Mother Theresa's but less than Warren Beatty's."
Or... just be honest. By trying to avoid the question with some stupid riddle like that, you're probably just going to make him wonder what you have to hide. And what do you have to hide? This question is vaguely slut-shamey to me. If you're really sure that he'll judge you for your number, then maybe the problem isn't the number but him.

You're not under any obligation to tell him your exact number just because he asked (it doesn't say whether you've been together for a long period of time or if it's your first date). But there are more mature ways of being vague without resorting to a more-than-less-than copout answer. Of course, if you're having sex with him, here's hoping you've at least had some kind of talk about previous partners and STD tests.
66. We hang out, but he leaves at night instead of staying over. Does that mean he sees our time together as a booty call? Yes.
Or... he just doesn't want to stay over... yet. It doesn't say how long this relationship has been going on; it doesn't say whether their "hanging out" is just sexual. Isn't it possible that he's just not ready for over-night stays? (If it persists for a long period of time into the relationship, then maybe there's some kind of commitment issue - but at an early stage it really doesn't have to mean anything.) This behavior doesn't automatically mean booty call unless he's treating you like a booty call in other ways - that is, only calling you late at night for booty. (See #25 if you need an explanation.)
74. What's the definition of cheating? Anything you wouldn't want him to know about, whether that's a flirty text or a full-on kiss.
No, that's the definition of dishonesty. The definition of cheating, depends on what you both have previously established as cheating. That is, if you agree that flirting is okay, but kissing isn't, then that is the definition. This is the type of thing that a lot of people have different views on, so it's important to discuss it and come to an agreement early on.
90. Do open relationships work? No.
Fuck you Cosmo. (Guess you never read the Ethical Slut.)
92. How can I tell if my friend with benefits wants to date? He asks you to do other stuff too, like takes you to dinner.
Ah, well of course, didn't you learn anything from last month's "Cosmo Gives Us the Guy Truth? Dinner is just like a date! Okay, maybe I'm alone on this one... but aren't friends with benefits also... friends? To me, there is a difference between a purely sexual relationship and an actual friend that you have, um, benefits with. It's not totally crazy unheard of for you to do friend-like-things (such as, gasp, dinner) with a friend... even if you happen to also have sex with that friend.
99. Is it true you should marry your best friend? No. Being BFFs zaps the chemistry you need for the long haul.
So you can't possibly have chemistry with your best friend? In my opinion, the long haul requires that you care about someone on more than one level... what's chemistry if you can't also have meaningful conversations and casual fun hanging out? Passion can fade... if your relationship is based on that alone, you're not going to make it for the long haul. You need the whole package.

We saved the best for last. Cosmo has given some really specific time constraints for some important stages in your relationships. It's all based on a very scientific mathematical formula we're sure. Here is your very special dating timeline:
55. He gave me his number. When should I call? After 48 hours. Any later and it's a ploy; any earlier and it's desperate.
63. How many dates should I go on before sleeping with him? Four is a good number.
(Oh really?)
80. When is the right time to say "I love you"? Wait at least 90 days. It takes that long to know it's not just lust.

35. How long should we date before living together? A year.

84. How long should I wait to date again after a breakup? At least eight weeks. Any earlier and even a guy with long-term potential will be a rebound.
I hope you've all mapped out this schedule for your relationship!! Best of luck.

Lindsey Graham, Sue Sylvester is Watching You

A recent tea party rally in South Carolina featured a speech by William Gheen that was ever-so-slightly critical of Senator Lindsey Graham. Gheen is the head of ALIPAC, a conservative anti-illegal immigration group popular with white supremacists. So what's his problem with the conservative Senator Graham? Let's find out:
Gheen...called for Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) to "come out of that log cabin closet."

According to Gheen, being gay is "a secret that Lindsey Graham has."

Gheen told the crowd: "I hope this secret isn't being used as leverage over Senator Graham, so today I think Senator Graham, you need to come forward and tell people about your alternative lifestyle and your homosexuality."

"Barney Frank is more honest and brave than you," Gheen continued, referring to the openly-gay Massachusetts congressman. [Huffington Post]

After the comments received some news coverage, ALIPAC released a statement standing by the speech and reiterating the call for Graham to come out of the closet:

"US Senator Lindsey Graham is gay and while many people in South Carolina and Washington DC know that, the general public and Graham's constituents do not," Gheen said in the statement. Though Gheen claimed, both in the statement and at the Tea Party rally, that he does "not care about Graham's private life," he again said that Graham must declare his supposed homosexuality "so the public can rest assured he is not being manipulated with his secret."

"I need to figure out why you're trying to sell out your own countrymen and I need to make sure you being gay isn't it," Gheen said over the weekend.

So the issue isn't so much that Lindsey Graham might be gay. It's that William Gheen doesn't know for sure that Lindsey Graham is gay, or he "knows" but can't prove it, which means that he can't blame the Sinister Gay Agenda for anything Graham does that he disagrees with.

Basically, he's taking a page from Sue Sylvester's playbook and accusing Senator Graham of being a sneaky gay. (Yes, I read a political story and immediately think of Glee. Such is my mind.)

"So much sneaky gay deception...If I can't tell who's gay, how will I know who to judge?" Sounds like William Gheen's speechwriter!

Now, I've heard the gay rumors about Lindsey Graham before. I don't know or really care if they're true, except that if they are it just makes his horrible voting record on gay rights issues even sadder. For that reason alone, I'm hoping we eventually get to see the day that Lindsey decides to swish it up a bit.

April 26, 2010

Cosmo Quickies: May 2010

This month's "Cosmo Quickies" might be a little... extra quick. Why? We just have too much to say about this issue so we're going to be devoting full blog entries to some of this month's ridiculous articles, like Cosmo's Guide to Racist Skin Care and Cosmo Fixes Your Sex Glitches. (More are coming soon!)

So here are some super-quick Quickies for May 2010...

It's the Sexy Issue again! Thank goodness, because you know that Cosmo never ever writes about anything sex-related the rest of the year.

I don't think that means what you think that means.

The "Hot Sheet" is always a source of hilarity. This month among the #1 trend on the rise is "Jungle Fever". Of course, they mean animal print dresses.

Gender equality in the slut-shaming department.

Also on the Hot Sheet is "Hunks for Hire". According to Cosmo, more men are using their good looks to get jobs... some examples include College Hunks Hauling Junk and ModelBartenders.com. Of course, Cosmo can still figure out a way to slut-shame a group of people as they're praising their existence.
The latest service offers guys who clean your house wearing just a jock strap...but we have a hunch that's not all they'd do.
Um, why do you have that hunch Cosmo? Because someone who takes off their clothes for a living must also be a prostitute? (They made that clear way back in October 2009's "What He's Really Doing at a Bachelor Party" when they suggested that strippers would be giving "private performances" in the bedroom.) And we find it interesting that they gave the company name and contact info for the other two services, but not for the cleaning service. So they can write about it, but not promote it, hm.

Cosmo has no sense of humor?

In the "What's Not So Hot", Cosmo wrote a lovely little note to Ricky Gervais about his "Underage Undies".

We love that you're best friends with an adorable guy like Elmo, but having a Muppet on your skivvies as a grown man is not only a total mood killer - it also very well may be illegal in some states.
Um, are they clueless about the fact that he's a comedian? (The photo was taken from an appearance on the Ellen Degeneres show. Apparently Ellen was giving away free underwear on the show and he joked that he wanted a pair because he was down to his last pair before he did laundry.)

If someone not known for being funny, like Jake Gyllenhaal, was wearing Elmo undies then it might be a little creepy. Although in that case they'd probably be like "Oh, hottie Jake has a playful side!"

How breastfeeding really works.

This month's interview was with Heidi Klum. The article was full of the usual boring Cosmo-isms but one little comment in particular rubbed us the wrong way:

The baby is wrapped in so many blankets, we catch only a glimpse of the top of her head before Heidi takes her into her arms and excuses herself.

"The baby needed a snack," she says when she returns. Wait...Heidi Klum just pulled out her boob in the middle of a hotel lobby? "Basically, that's exactly what I did," she says matter-of-factly, and we picture guys tripping over their luggage to get a peek at her famous cleavage.
No, dumbass. She didn't just "pull out her boob". She was feeding her child. Guess the author didn't get the memo that breastfeeding isn't sexual.

Beauty and the Briefcase

Did anyone else watch the Cosmo movie, Beauty and the Briefcase? We considered reviewing it, but what was there to say other than "OMG WTF LOL"? But there's one thing about the "news" story about the film that we just have to comment on... the part about editor, Kate White:

She's blond and take-charge -- Jaime Pressly did an amazing job as our editor-in-chief. One difference: Our Kate is married; the onscreen version is still looking.
Yep, you better make it clear that the real Kate White is married. God forbid we mistake her for some single manless loser. But is that really the only one difference? How bout the some odd 20-year age difference? (White's exact age isn't available anywhere on the web, but apparently she graduated college in 1972 - five years before Pressly, 32, was even born.) We love Jaime Pressly, but really? Who was in charge of the casting of this film anyway?

Sexual Napalm

So now Cosmo is getting article ideas from Playboy interviews. Back in February, John Mayer referred to sex with Jessica Simpson as "sexual napalm"... Ugh, why is Cosmo legitimizing anything that John Mayer has to say?

Dream a little dream...

Possibly one of our "favorite" sections of Cosmo is their monthly guide to decoding your man's behavior instead of actually talking to him. This time they've given us advice on how to analyze our man's sex dreams. Um, now here's a question: If your relationship is open and honest enough, that you can discuss his sex dreams... then why do you need to "analyze" them in order to know how he really feels? Just ask him how he feels.

And their analysis is hilarious anyway:

Since a threeway is the ultimate male fantasy, experts call this a celebration dream. Men often have it after something great happens to them. Did the two of you just start sleeping together or get engaed? Then that something great is probably you!
Yeah, leave it to Cosmo to make a man's threesome fantasy all about how much he loves his girlfriend. (We're not suggesting that a guy who has threesome fantasies doesn't love his girlfriend -- it's a normal fantasy and doesn't in any way mean that he's not satisified with his singular partner. But yeah, it's not necessarily about how satisifed he is either.)

The Sexy List

Since this is the Sexy Issue, it features the results of a recent poll where Cosmo readers weighed in on a variety of sexiness issues. They chose Channing Tatum as the sexiest actor, so there's a full page photo of him on a beach all wet and shirtless.

Even Cosmo does something right occasionally.

His Number One Sext Wish

Cosmo sends us yet another mixed message. A few months ago they warned us that we shouldn't send sexy texts because our guys are likely to share them. Yet in the "101 Things About Guys" special section they polled guys to see what kind of sext they'd be most psyched to get. If we're supposed to be wary about sending sexts, why do we care which kind of sext they'd prefer?

Sometimes we don't need commentary.

This issue has a bikini-line grooming guide "Add Some Down-There Flair" that includes bikini-line stencils. Punch-out bikini-line stencils. Words fail us, so you can just see for yourself:

Oh Cosmo.

More From Cosmo May 2010:

Rethink Possible

Has anyone else seen that AT&T Ripple Effect commercial? You know, the one where a guy changes his train ticket at the last minute so he can sit next to some girl - and thank god he does, because sometime in the future their son becomes the 57th President of the United States!

What is the lesson here? According to AT&T "any second could be the second." You know what that means guys... you have to hit on every single hot woman you ever see. You have to. Even if it means getting on the wrong train. Because your kid might be the President of the United States! You can't deny our country its next great president!

Gee, thanks AT&T.

April 25, 2010

Shameless Friend-Of-My-Brother Promotion

Today in guest blogging goodness, I'm letting Astaroth do a little promotion for one of his lovely and talented friends. Because I'm the best sister ever.

Hello again ESC readers, it’s been a long time since you’ve heard from me but rest assured that my sister has been bugging me to write for the blog frequently and often. I’ve come to you today to inform you of an excellent blog by another excellent duo that you should be reading! Pasquinade Press follows the grand tradition of The Onion by cleverly masking the opinions of the authors in fake news that half the time you wish was real news (see the article on the disposal of nuclear warheads by dropping them on a juggalo convention).

Maggie and Ben, the co-conspirators and personal friends of mine, are both brilliant and amazingly depraved individuals who deserve at least a quick look-see, perhaps a gander if you’re feeling up to it, and maybe even a disciplined gawking. I hope you enjoy their work! Also, keep reading the ESC in the mean time or all my nepotism will earn me is a stern talking-to. You wouldn’t want that, would you?

For those of you who prefer pretty pictures to word play, Maggie is also a damn fine photographer! Her pictures are astounding and well worth a look. There are even some prints for sale if you feel like supporting a fellow poor college graduate! She's got a facebook page for her photography, so you can 'become a fan' or 'like' it or whatever the hell facebook is calling it this week. Go look!Right now!The kids can wait, they’re not going anywhere.

You can also contact her through that page if you're interested in hiring her for your shoot or event. (Or just to tell her she's awesome, that's okay too.) Remember, she's a talented photographer and a broke college graduate, so her rates are really reasonable. It's a good deal for everyone.

Check out Maggie's flickr page for even more photos, and her etsy store to buy prints.

April 23, 2010

Flashback Friday: Educational Double Feature

Even those of you who watch things a few days later on DVR (no names) must have seen this week's Madonna-episode of Glee by now. Or at the very least, you saw Sue Sylvester's Vogue. (Man do I love Jane Lynch.)

Since the Glee commercials had been repeating Madonna's name non-stop, I took it upon myself to tell a completely disinterested Lil' Lilith that Madonna was my generation's Lady Gaga (back when Lady Gaga was still wearing diapers). She actually asked "which one is Madonna again?" I flipped out, "No daughter of mine is going to not know who Madonna is!" and made her watch a marathon of Madonna videos on YouTube. It turns out she did in fact know most of the songs, she just didn't know that they were Madonna songs. Clearly I've been slacking as a parent.

A few days later, my parenting flaws were highlighted yet again. Lil' Lilith was talking about fire safety and started to explain "Stop, Drop and Roll". I interrupted her after "Stop" with... "Collaborate and listen". She looked at me like I was crazy. So again I flipped out "have I really never exposed you to Vanilla Ice?" and made her watch the "Ice Ice Baby" video.

(Don't worry, we did discuss "Stop Drop and Roll" later. Robert Van Winkle and fire safety are equally important in our house.)

In honor of those two incidents, I now present for you an Educational Double Feature of "Flashback Friday"... Madonna's "Vogue" and Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby", both released in 1990.

(Coincidentally, 1990 also marked the start of an 8 month relationship between Madonna and Van Winkle. No really.)

Quick, go get your kids and bring them into the room and make them watch this:

Madonna - Vogue
Uploaded by zocomoro. - See the latest featured music videos.

Okay, um, now your kids better leave the room again because the rest of Evil Slutopia probably isn't appropriate reading material for some of them.

Lilith: This blog is a perfect example of parenting at its finest.

Jezebel: This is the only time Madonna and Vanilla Ice will ever share the same 'artistic space'.

Lilith: Not unless you count Madonna's book Sex as an 'artistic space.' They were in pics together in that.

Jezebel: Were they?

Lilith: Oh yes. [WARNING: If your kids haven't left the room by now, they should before you click on that link. Trust me. It's also probably not safe for work, depending on where you work.]

Jezebel: I need therapy now.

Lilith: Sorry.

Jezebel: I want to be like "Madonna! Don't you know that's Vanilla Ice?'

Lilith: Honestly I think this photo of them is more disturbing than any from the Sex book.

Jezebel: Those shorts are fucking hot.

April 21, 2010

James Cameron: Learned Scholar of Native American History

James Cameron was in Brazil recently because he has gotten involved with the Xingu people and their fight against a planned hydroelectric dam project in the Amazon rainforest. While he was there, he spoke about the situation and related it back to his version of Native American history:

I felt like I was 130 years back in time watching what the Lakota Sioux might have been saying at a point when they were being pushed and they were being killed and they were being asked to displace and they were being given some form of compensation," he said. "This was a driving force for me in the writing of Avatar– I couldn't help but think that if they [the Lakota Sioux] had had a time-window and they could see the future… and they could see their kids committing suicide at the highest suicide rates in the nation… because they were hopeless and they were a dead-end society – which is what is happening now – they would have fought a lot harder. [The Guardian via ONTD and Native Appropriations]

James Cameron is a courageous, visionary, groundbreaking activist in his own mind, that much is clear. If only we could open up a time window and send him back in time. Surely he could inspire the Lakota Sioux to "fight harder" using all of the insight that he's gained from his firsthand experience taking part in the epic struggle of white men to triumph over oppression and claim their rightful place in this world. Unless there's some hidden chapter in his backstory that I don't know about, he has never had to fight for anything the way that the Native Americans had to fight, so all I can say is shut the fuck up, James Cameron.

April 19, 2010

Cosmo Fixes Your Sex Glitches

The May issue of Cosmo features an article called "When You Have to Fix a Sex Glitch - Fast!" This is the Sexy Issue, which as we all know is the only issue of the year that tackles sex-related topics.
When you and your guy get going, there's not much - short of a natural disaster or your grandma walking in - that's going to stop you. So if a pesky snag threatens to mess with a sack session, get crafty. We have solutions to try in the heat of the moment to circumvent any roadblock (think MacGyver) while keeping the mood sexy.
As always, Cosmo is there for you in your hour of need.

Oops, you're out of lube! Mix 1 tablespoon of saliva (the thick kind deep in your throat works best - its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with 1 tablespoon of water (to stretch out the spit). Swish it in your mouth to blend. If you're not using condoms, you can also apply a plant-based oil, like olive oil or almond oil. Both are slippery but won't irritate your skin.

Lilith: What are you working on now?

Jezebel: I'm typing up Cosmo's "recipe" for fake lube made out of water and saliva.

Lilith: Oh Cosmo.

Jezebel: Yeah, it's like a cooking show gone horribly wrong. And the point of this article is 'fix a sex glitch fast'. Like, how to fix something without ruining the mood or whatever. So if you're out of lube, they suggest the spit recipe, or...

Lilith: I cannot imagine making my own lube.

Jezebel: Me either. And I'm guessing that anyone who does doesn't do it the way Cosmo says to. But it's okay, cause they have another option.

Lilith: I'm afraid to ask.

Jezebel: "If you're not using condoms, you can also apply a plant-based oil, like olive oil or almond oil. Both are slippery but won't irritate your skin." So apparently running to the kitchen and coming back with your cooking oil doesn't ruin the mood.

Lilith: I'm just thinking about how expensive good olive oil is.

Jezebel: I know! 'Oh honey, not the extra virgin oil, I need that to make pasta later'. And I'm sure there's nothing quite like that sexy olive smell in the air during sex.

Lilith: You know I'm still getting over that stomach thing. Don't make me vomit.

Jezebel: Blame Cosmo.

And the tips only get better from there!

Things unexpectedly get hot and heavy, but it's eerily quiet because you didn't have time to pop in a CD. Hit the sleep button on your radio. It'll play the last station you were listening to. Another option: the White Noise iPhone app, which emits soothing background sounds.
Maybe this is just my Evil Sluttiness showing, but I've never thought of sex without background music as "eerily quiet". If I'm 'unexpectedly getting hot and heavy', chances are I'm focused on that and not thinking about how to put music on. (And there's most likely nothing quiet about it anyway.) I once had sex while Barack Obama was giving a speech on TV in the background, which was fun, but a little awkward the next day when my mom asked if I'd seen the speech and what I thought of it.

So I guess I just missed this You Must Have Music For Sexytimes memo, but for the sake of argument I'll pretend that I care. Are they really suggesting that we depend on the radio to provide an awesome sex soundtrack? The typical radio experience these days is like one good song, two or three horrible and/or ridiculously overplayed songs, and then ten minutes of commercials. So hot. And what if the last station I was listening to was news radio or something? Nothing like getting freaky to traffic and weather together on the 8s. Personally, I have an iHome, and if I hit the sleep button right now Eddie Izzard's Dress to Kill would start playing, which would probably work but I doubt is what Cosmo had in mind when they came up with this great tip.

The second part of this tip is just stupid. If I'm going to pause the action and take the time to find my iPhone (assuming I had one, which I don't, but I'll keep humoring them) and look for this random app and download it, why can't I just take that same amount of time to "pop in a CD" instead? The radio tip is silly but at least you could probably do it without interrupting things too much, which is supposed to be the whole point of this article. Unless maybe they're suggesting that all of the fun fearless females out there should download this app now, ahead of time, so they're prepared the next time they find themselves in an unexpectedly-hot-and-heavy-yet-eerily-quiet moment.

Uh-oh - you want to have standing up sex, but he's having trouble getting in. Stand one step above him on the stairs, and rest your leg on the railing. This way, he can easily enter you.
If you live in an apartment or you happen to be in a hotel room or something, you're shit out of luck, sorry. Maybe you can improvise and rest your leg on the bathtub.

You're feeling kinky but short on props (like a scarf) to tie him up. If he's wearing a long-sleeve shirt, have him take his arms out of the sleeves, wrap them around his torso, and knot them. It's like a naughty straightjacket.
A naughty straightjacket. Amazing. Almost as amazing as the fact that Cosmo apparently thinks that tying someone up with a scarf is the height of kinkiness. And even if I try really hard to be open-minded and give this tip the benefit of the doubt, I truly can't imagine any guy having any reaction other than WTF to anyone who tried this move on them.

Damn! Your vibrator's battery is dead. Use the base of your electric toothbrush (wash it first). You can also download the free MyVibe app to make your iPhone pulse and vibrate.
So people masturbate with their iPhones, that's good to know. Should I wash it first?

During doggie-style, you keep slipping around. As a result, he's not close enough to give you the friction you need - plus, it's hard to relax. To remedy: Fold a towel in half lengthwise, get on your hands and knees, and slip it under your hipbones. Have him grab both ends to form a sling supporting your hips. He can pull back on the towel to hold you closer and go deeper.
How do you go and get a towel, bring it back, fold it, and take ten minutes to explain to him exactly what the hell he's supposed to do with it, all while "keeping the mood sexy"? I guess if I have to ask that, I'm just not fun and fearless enough. A true Cosmo girl would find a way. Since I'm not a true Cosmo girl, this tip just makes me want to send a Liberator to their office and imagine the wacky hijinks that would definitely ensue.

You and your guy tend to be loud...but you have roommates. Rent a horror flick (with plenty of yelling and shrieking) and tell them you're going to watch it in your room. If they hear any screams, they'll assume it's the movie.
Is there anyone in the world who would not be able to tell the difference between the sound of their roommate watching a horror movie and the sound of their roommate having sex? Seriously, if you or anyone you know would be fooled by that, let me know, because I'm willing to learn. I feel like if you made a habit of this, your roommates would just start to think you had some kind of interesting fetish thing going on.

Really, even if someone's roommates somewhere on the planet would fall for this, it's not like most horror movies are non-stop shriek fests anyway. There are usually a bunch of quiet suspenseful moments leading up to the scream scenes. Do I need to time my orgasms so that they overlap with the loudest scenes in the movie? If so, isn't that going to present a bit of a challenge in the "keeping the mood sexy" department? (Unless you do have some kind of fetish/kink/whatever in this area, which would be fine, but I don't think that's where this tip is coming from.) Also, I'm now really tempted to make a Venn diagram showing the ways in which "things you yell out during sex" and "things you yell out while being viciously murdered in a horror movie" do and do not overlap. Maybe we'll work on that at the next ESC happy hour.

As you're driving with him, you feel superhorny.
Have him sit in the passenger seat and recline it partway. Open the sunroof, if you have one, to make things roomier. Now get on top in reverse cowgirl. Hold onto the dashboard or sides of the sunroof to help you move up and own.
I hate tips like this one, the towel, and the naughty straightjacket, because inevitably I waste precious minutes of my life trying to picture someone actually trying this and figure out how the hell the logistics are supposed to work. Because of the way this tip is worded, I initially pictured this car sex happening with the Cosmo girl's head actually sticking out of the sunroof. (How else would opening it make things "roomier", right?) I think you'd have to be parked in a pretty secluded area to pull that one off.

You're in luck, because this article also has a super bonus tip in a little inset box:
BLUE WALLS: Want to be better at coming up with new sex ideas? Decorate your room blue. The color boosts creativity.
They actually cite a study from the University of British Columbia as the source for this fabulous tip. As it happens, my bedroom walls incorporate two different shades of blue and I have some blue pillows on my bed, so now I guess I can tell people that "studies show" that I'm a total sex goddess. Thanks Cosmo!

April 18, 2010

Cosmo's Guide to Racist Skin Care

Dear Cosmo,

We appreciate that you're finally acknowledging the fact that not all women in the world are white or look the same or have the same skin care issues. However, your "Sexy, Glowing Skin Secrets" article really misses the mark.

1. "Caucasian" is not an ethnicity.

It's a race. (Although even the U.S. Census doesn't use the word "Caucasian", they use "white".) Although a lot of people feel that race is a socially constructed concept, it usually includes physical characteristics such as skin color. On the other hand, the term "ethnicity" implies a shared background, genealogy, or cultural history.

2. Not all White women have the same skin tone or skin care needs.

The model for the article is an image of stereotypical white beauty - blonde hair, blue eyes - and the concealer guide recommended "pinkish beige" to cover up freckles on Caucasian skin. I personally identify as white (and I might be the palest white person on earth for that matter), but the color base of my skin tone is more yellowish/olive. A very very very pale yellowish/olive but still... no "pinkish beige" for me. When I do get some color (or when I used to) I definitely don't freckle, so basically this entire article was useless to me.

3. Not all "Hispanic" women share the same race. 

I personally know quite a few "Hispanic" women who identify as white, some who identify as black, etc. The 2010 U.S. Census clearly distinguishes "Hispanic, Latino or Spanish origin" from race. According to the Census, "Hispanic" or "Latino" are cultural (and language) designations, not genetic and not always "racial". In the Census, people who identify their origin as Spanish, Hispanic, of Latino may be of any race.


4. Not all "Hispanic" women have the same skin tone or skin care needs.

Here's just a sampling of women in the entertainment industry (we chose this category because of the abundance of photos available for each of them) who are of Hispanic/Latina origin... 

If you feel the need to "verify" their origins, you can look it up. From left to right: Sara Paxton, Alexis Bledel, Alexa Vega, Shakira, Daisy Fuentes, Maria Conchita Alonso, Vanessa Marcil, America Ferrera, Salma Hayek, Lourdes Benedicto, Rosario Dawson, Dania Ramirez, Melissa De Sousa, Judy Reyes, Christina Milian, Lauren Velez, Gina Torres, Zoe Saldana.
5. Not all "Asian" women share the same skin tone or skin care needs.

There are so many different countries and cultural groups in Asia. The 2010 U.S. Census actually lists nine separate categories in place of the usual "Asian" (plus two "Other" choices).

6. "Asian" women are not necessarily lighter than "Hispanic" women.

According to the article, Asian women's freckles are "darker in tone than on Caucasian skin but lighter than on Hispanic skin" because melanin levels in Asians "lie between those of the other two ethnicities". (It's not racist because it's science!) Sinnce melanin helps determine skin color... by saying that Asians have more melanin than white women and less melanin than Hispanic, women are they suggesting that Asian women's skin tones are typically darker than white women and lighter than Hispanic women? Because I think we all know that's not necessarily true. The vast array of "Hispanic" women I posted above proves that but so do the models they used in the photo spread for this article.

7. Not all "African-American" women share the same skin tone or skin care needs.

Do I need to explain this one too? Or have I made my point by now? Women who identify as Black, African-American, or Afro-Latino don't all look exactly the same, or even remotely the same. Black women, (like women of the other three categories mentioned above) come in a wide array of skin tones and colors.

8. There are some races or (or so called "ethnicities") left out of this list.

What about American Indian or Native Alaskan women? What about women of Middle Eastern origin? What about all the other varying shades of skin tones and features that women in the United States possess other than the four examples they gave in this article? Do they not exist in the world of Cosmo or do they just not have any skin care concerns?

You could make the argument that some of those women might fit into skin tone and characteristics of some of the categories they did give... which basically brings me to my next point:

9. Why did the categories have to be based on race (or so-called "ethnicity") in the first place?

I've seen plenty of beauty articles where it was just divided by skin tone or color, etc. Since the examples they gave are clearly not racially accurate for every woman - and so many people today consider themselves to be part of more than one ethnic group or racial background - it would've made much more sense to skip the generalizations altogether.

10. What's so horrible about freckles anyway?

I understand being concerned about skin spots and sun damage, but when did freckles become a horrible beauty concern? Some people even think they're cute. We're all for protecting yourself from UV rays and taking care of your skin... but come on, this is a little ridiculous. Go ahead, protect your skin but what ever happened to being happy with yourself, even if that includes being prone to freckles. Oh wait, it's Cosmo, that's right, the magazine devoted to not being happy with yourself.

We have to give you credit, Cosmo, for finally acknowledging that there are more than just white women out there. Recently you also accepted that there are married women and some day maybe you'll admit the existence of lesbians (other than on television). But we're thinking maybe it's better if you don't try to be more diverse if this is the way you're going to do it.

I guess it was a mistake to expect more awareness and sensitivity from the magazine that thinks it's hilarious to refer to an animal print fashion trend as "jungle fever".