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April 19, 2010

Cosmo Fixes Your Sex Glitches

The May issue of Cosmo features an article called "When You Have to Fix a Sex Glitch - Fast!" This is the Sexy Issue, which as we all know is the only issue of the year that tackles sex-related topics.
When you and your guy get going, there's not much - short of a natural disaster or your grandma walking in - that's going to stop you. So if a pesky snag threatens to mess with a sack session, get crafty. We have solutions to try in the heat of the moment to circumvent any roadblock (think MacGyver) while keeping the mood sexy.
As always, Cosmo is there for you in your hour of need.

Oops, you're out of lube! Mix 1 tablespoon of saliva (the thick kind deep in your throat works best - its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with 1 tablespoon of water (to stretch out the spit). Swish it in your mouth to blend. If you're not using condoms, you can also apply a plant-based oil, like olive oil or almond oil. Both are slippery but won't irritate your skin.

Lilith: What are you working on now?

Jezebel: I'm typing up Cosmo's "recipe" for fake lube made out of water and saliva.

Lilith: Oh Cosmo.

Jezebel: Yeah, it's like a cooking show gone horribly wrong. And the point of this article is 'fix a sex glitch fast'. Like, how to fix something without ruining the mood or whatever. So if you're out of lube, they suggest the spit recipe, or...

Lilith: I cannot imagine making my own lube.

Jezebel: Me either. And I'm guessing that anyone who does doesn't do it the way Cosmo says to. But it's okay, cause they have another option.

Lilith: I'm afraid to ask.

Jezebel: "If you're not using condoms, you can also apply a plant-based oil, like olive oil or almond oil. Both are slippery but won't irritate your skin." So apparently running to the kitchen and coming back with your cooking oil doesn't ruin the mood.

Lilith: I'm just thinking about how expensive good olive oil is.

Jezebel: I know! 'Oh honey, not the extra virgin oil, I need that to make pasta later'. And I'm sure there's nothing quite like that sexy olive smell in the air during sex.

Lilith: You know I'm still getting over that stomach thing. Don't make me vomit.

Jezebel: Blame Cosmo.

And the tips only get better from there!

Things unexpectedly get hot and heavy, but it's eerily quiet because you didn't have time to pop in a CD. Hit the sleep button on your radio. It'll play the last station you were listening to. Another option: the White Noise iPhone app, which emits soothing background sounds.
Maybe this is just my Evil Sluttiness showing, but I've never thought of sex without background music as "eerily quiet". If I'm 'unexpectedly getting hot and heavy', chances are I'm focused on that and not thinking about how to put music on. (And there's most likely nothing quiet about it anyway.) I once had sex while Barack Obama was giving a speech on TV in the background, which was fun, but a little awkward the next day when my mom asked if I'd seen the speech and what I thought of it.

So I guess I just missed this You Must Have Music For Sexytimes memo, but for the sake of argument I'll pretend that I care. Are they really suggesting that we depend on the radio to provide an awesome sex soundtrack? The typical radio experience these days is like one good song, two or three horrible and/or ridiculously overplayed songs, and then ten minutes of commercials. So hot. And what if the last station I was listening to was news radio or something? Nothing like getting freaky to traffic and weather together on the 8s. Personally, I have an iHome, and if I hit the sleep button right now Eddie Izzard's Dress to Kill would start playing, which would probably work but I doubt is what Cosmo had in mind when they came up with this great tip.

The second part of this tip is just stupid. If I'm going to pause the action and take the time to find my iPhone (assuming I had one, which I don't, but I'll keep humoring them) and look for this random app and download it, why can't I just take that same amount of time to "pop in a CD" instead? The radio tip is silly but at least you could probably do it without interrupting things too much, which is supposed to be the whole point of this article. Unless maybe they're suggesting that all of the fun fearless females out there should download this app now, ahead of time, so they're prepared the next time they find themselves in an unexpectedly-hot-and-heavy-yet-eerily-quiet moment.

Uh-oh - you want to have standing up sex, but he's having trouble getting in. Stand one step above him on the stairs, and rest your leg on the railing. This way, he can easily enter you.
If you live in an apartment or you happen to be in a hotel room or something, you're shit out of luck, sorry. Maybe you can improvise and rest your leg on the bathtub.

You're feeling kinky but short on props (like a scarf) to tie him up. If he's wearing a long-sleeve shirt, have him take his arms out of the sleeves, wrap them around his torso, and knot them. It's like a naughty straightjacket.
A naughty straightjacket. Amazing. Almost as amazing as the fact that Cosmo apparently thinks that tying someone up with a scarf is the height of kinkiness. And even if I try really hard to be open-minded and give this tip the benefit of the doubt, I truly can't imagine any guy having any reaction other than WTF to anyone who tried this move on them.

Damn! Your vibrator's battery is dead. Use the base of your electric toothbrush (wash it first). You can also download the free MyVibe app to make your iPhone pulse and vibrate.
So people masturbate with their iPhones, that's good to know. Should I wash it first?

During doggie-style, you keep slipping around. As a result, he's not close enough to give you the friction you need - plus, it's hard to relax. To remedy: Fold a towel in half lengthwise, get on your hands and knees, and slip it under your hipbones. Have him grab both ends to form a sling supporting your hips. He can pull back on the towel to hold you closer and go deeper.
How do you go and get a towel, bring it back, fold it, and take ten minutes to explain to him exactly what the hell he's supposed to do with it, all while "keeping the mood sexy"? I guess if I have to ask that, I'm just not fun and fearless enough. A true Cosmo girl would find a way. Since I'm not a true Cosmo girl, this tip just makes me want to send a Liberator to their office and imagine the wacky hijinks that would definitely ensue.

You and your guy tend to be loud...but you have roommates. Rent a horror flick (with plenty of yelling and shrieking) and tell them you're going to watch it in your room. If they hear any screams, they'll assume it's the movie.
Is there anyone in the world who would not be able to tell the difference between the sound of their roommate watching a horror movie and the sound of their roommate having sex? Seriously, if you or anyone you know would be fooled by that, let me know, because I'm willing to learn. I feel like if you made a habit of this, your roommates would just start to think you had some kind of interesting fetish thing going on.

Really, even if someone's roommates somewhere on the planet would fall for this, it's not like most horror movies are non-stop shriek fests anyway. There are usually a bunch of quiet suspenseful moments leading up to the scream scenes. Do I need to time my orgasms so that they overlap with the loudest scenes in the movie? If so, isn't that going to present a bit of a challenge in the "keeping the mood sexy" department? (Unless you do have some kind of fetish/kink/whatever in this area, which would be fine, but I don't think that's where this tip is coming from.) Also, I'm now really tempted to make a Venn diagram showing the ways in which "things you yell out during sex" and "things you yell out while being viciously murdered in a horror movie" do and do not overlap. Maybe we'll work on that at the next ESC happy hour.

As you're driving with him, you feel superhorny.
Have him sit in the passenger seat and recline it partway. Open the sunroof, if you have one, to make things roomier. Now get on top in reverse cowgirl. Hold onto the dashboard or sides of the sunroof to help you move up and own.
I hate tips like this one, the towel, and the naughty straightjacket, because inevitably I waste precious minutes of my life trying to picture someone actually trying this and figure out how the hell the logistics are supposed to work. Because of the way this tip is worded, I initially pictured this car sex happening with the Cosmo girl's head actually sticking out of the sunroof. (How else would opening it make things "roomier", right?) I think you'd have to be parked in a pretty secluded area to pull that one off.

You're in luck, because this article also has a super bonus tip in a little inset box:
BLUE WALLS: Want to be better at coming up with new sex ideas? Decorate your room blue. The color boosts creativity.
They actually cite a study from the University of British Columbia as the source for this fabulous tip. As it happens, my bedroom walls incorporate two different shades of blue and I have some blue pillows on my bed, so now I guess I can tell people that "studies show" that I'm a total sex goddess. Thanks Cosmo!


Anonymous said...

Also, I'm now really tempted to make a Venn diagram showing the ways in which "things you yell out during sex" and "things you yell out while being viciously murdered in a horror movie" do and do not overlap. Maybe we'll work on that at the next ESC happy hour.

OMG, please do this. Please.


Ask and ye shall receive...

Our venn diagram

Sydnee said...

I once had sex while Barack Obama was giving a speech on TV in the background, which was fun, but a little awkward the next day when my mom asked if I'd seen the speech and what I thought of it.

Excuse me while I bust out laughing and fall out of my chair. Thank you, Cosmo, for your numerous WTF moments, and thank the Evil Sluts for writing about them!

sexgenderbody said...

This really is one of your finer moments.

You describe beautifully. It's like Cosmo wandered around the halls of Popular Mechanics for an afternoon and came back with one of their staff writers.

What's next, I wonder? "How to train your man to be a cunnilingus enthusiast, using things you find in the kitchen." (MuffGyver?)

The horror movie idea is just as dumb as the day is long.

I really, really like the Venn diagram.

Jerseygirl said...

That is the best Venn Diagram ever. I actually had a guy proposition me with olive oil once. It's the story my friends make me tell whenever I get drunk. I wonder if he writes for Cosmo now? Because no female slut would suggest this crap.

Anonymous said...

ACTUALLY! at the porno toy store, which I recently visited in search of "nice" handcuffs for the wimp of a man I love, they do sell a towel-like thing for your doggie-boning guy to reel you in with. (It's more like a... strap thing? Not sure. But it has that parabola shape.)

In the only somewhat creditable tip I've seen in Cosmo in a while, they described the makeshift version.

But still, really not a way to keep the mood going -- what with having to go get a towel from wherever it is you store them and all that.

But just letting you guys know, that towel thing's actually a good idea for when you wanna do it from behind!

It helps you not have to raise yourself to where his penis is, so you can just hang and relax, gyrating in whatever way you do! ;)

Autism Mom said...

The spit "recipe" made me sick to my stomach. Bleh! What, am I supposed to scrape my throat with a spoon or something? Ugh, I need to quit thinking about it because it is literally making me naseous.