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April 26, 2010

Cosmo Quickies: May 2010

This month's "Cosmo Quickies" might be a little... extra quick. Why? We just have too much to say about this issue so we're going to be devoting full blog entries to some of this month's ridiculous articles, like Cosmo's Guide to Racist Skin Care and Cosmo Fixes Your Sex Glitches. (More are coming soon!)

So here are some super-quick Quickies for May 2010...

It's the Sexy Issue again! Thank goodness, because you know that Cosmo never ever writes about anything sex-related the rest of the year.

I don't think that means what you think that means.

The "Hot Sheet" is always a source of hilarity. This month among the #1 trend on the rise is "Jungle Fever". Of course, they mean animal print dresses.

Gender equality in the slut-shaming department.

Also on the Hot Sheet is "Hunks for Hire". According to Cosmo, more men are using their good looks to get jobs... some examples include College Hunks Hauling Junk and ModelBartenders.com. Of course, Cosmo can still figure out a way to slut-shame a group of people as they're praising their existence.
The latest service offers guys who clean your house wearing just a jock strap...but we have a hunch that's not all they'd do.
Um, why do you have that hunch Cosmo? Because someone who takes off their clothes for a living must also be a prostitute? (They made that clear way back in October 2009's "What He's Really Doing at a Bachelor Party" when they suggested that strippers would be giving "private performances" in the bedroom.) And we find it interesting that they gave the company name and contact info for the other two services, but not for the cleaning service. So they can write about it, but not promote it, hm.

Cosmo has no sense of humor?

In the "What's Not So Hot", Cosmo wrote a lovely little note to Ricky Gervais about his "Underage Undies".

We love that you're best friends with an adorable guy like Elmo, but having a Muppet on your skivvies as a grown man is not only a total mood killer - it also very well may be illegal in some states.
Um, are they clueless about the fact that he's a comedian? (The photo was taken from an appearance on the Ellen Degeneres show. Apparently Ellen was giving away free underwear on the show and he joked that he wanted a pair because he was down to his last pair before he did laundry.)

If someone not known for being funny, like Jake Gyllenhaal, was wearing Elmo undies then it might be a little creepy. Although in that case they'd probably be like "Oh, hottie Jake has a playful side!"

How breastfeeding really works.

This month's interview was with Heidi Klum. The article was full of the usual boring Cosmo-isms but one little comment in particular rubbed us the wrong way:

The baby is wrapped in so many blankets, we catch only a glimpse of the top of her head before Heidi takes her into her arms and excuses herself.

"The baby needed a snack," she says when she returns. Wait...Heidi Klum just pulled out her boob in the middle of a hotel lobby? "Basically, that's exactly what I did," she says matter-of-factly, and we picture guys tripping over their luggage to get a peek at her famous cleavage.
No, dumbass. She didn't just "pull out her boob". She was feeding her child. Guess the author didn't get the memo that breastfeeding isn't sexual.

Beauty and the Briefcase

Did anyone else watch the Cosmo movie, Beauty and the Briefcase? We considered reviewing it, but what was there to say other than "OMG WTF LOL"? But there's one thing about the "news" story about the film that we just have to comment on... the part about editor, Kate White:

She's blond and take-charge -- Jaime Pressly did an amazing job as our editor-in-chief. One difference: Our Kate is married; the onscreen version is still looking.
Yep, you better make it clear that the real Kate White is married. God forbid we mistake her for some single manless loser. But is that really the only one difference? How bout the some odd 20-year age difference? (White's exact age isn't available anywhere on the web, but apparently she graduated college in 1972 - five years before Pressly, 32, was even born.) We love Jaime Pressly, but really? Who was in charge of the casting of this film anyway?

Sexual Napalm

So now Cosmo is getting article ideas from Playboy interviews. Back in February, John Mayer referred to sex with Jessica Simpson as "sexual napalm"... Ugh, why is Cosmo legitimizing anything that John Mayer has to say?

Dream a little dream...

Possibly one of our "favorite" sections of Cosmo is their monthly guide to decoding your man's behavior instead of actually talking to him. This time they've given us advice on how to analyze our man's sex dreams. Um, now here's a question: If your relationship is open and honest enough, that you can discuss his sex dreams... then why do you need to "analyze" them in order to know how he really feels? Just ask him how he feels.

And their analysis is hilarious anyway:

Since a threeway is the ultimate male fantasy, experts call this a celebration dream. Men often have it after something great happens to them. Did the two of you just start sleeping together or get engaed? Then that something great is probably you!
Yeah, leave it to Cosmo to make a man's threesome fantasy all about how much he loves his girlfriend. (We're not suggesting that a guy who has threesome fantasies doesn't love his girlfriend -- it's a normal fantasy and doesn't in any way mean that he's not satisified with his singular partner. But yeah, it's not necessarily about how satisifed he is either.)

The Sexy List

Since this is the Sexy Issue, it features the results of a recent poll where Cosmo readers weighed in on a variety of sexiness issues. They chose Channing Tatum as the sexiest actor, so there's a full page photo of him on a beach all wet and shirtless.

Even Cosmo does something right occasionally.

His Number One Sext Wish

Cosmo sends us yet another mixed message. A few months ago they warned us that we shouldn't send sexy texts because our guys are likely to share them. Yet in the "101 Things About Guys" special section they polled guys to see what kind of sext they'd be most psyched to get. If we're supposed to be wary about sending sexts, why do we care which kind of sext they'd prefer?

Sometimes we don't need commentary.

This issue has a bikini-line grooming guide "Add Some Down-There Flair" that includes bikini-line stencils. Punch-out bikini-line stencils. Words fail us, so you can just see for yourself:

Oh Cosmo.

More From Cosmo May 2010:


Jen said...

I can't believe those stencils are for real.

Derrick said...

i would never go out w/somebody who shaved below the equator. i want to find my self lost in the forest!!!!!