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June 19, 2010

Cosmo: Super Slut-Shaming Edition

As we were finishing up the blog about Bai Ling the other day, we realized that we're already writing about Cosmo's July 2010 issue without ever finishing writing about the June 2010 issue! Ooops. So before we continue tearing into the July issue any further, here's an extra special Cosmo Quickies for June. It was a very slut-shamey month, so consider this the All Slut-Shaming edition... and we have so much to say it's not going to be so "quick" at all.

This month's Quickies will go in page order (I'm honestly just going to start flipping through again and see what annoys me first)... so those of you with a copy can follow along at home...

  • The Hot Sheet
We already dissected this one at the beginning of the month - Cosmo decided to make fun of Bridget Marquardt's outfit without even doing the research to find out that she was wearing a costume because she was hosting a theme party.

  • The Love Mistake That Pushes Him Away
We actually agree with this article, which advises women not to tell their boyfriends they can't hang out with a female friend they don't like. She suggests that outright forbidding him from spending time with someone can backfire and instead recommends talking to him about how you feel. I know, Cosmo advising that women be honest with their men!? Shocking. We agree with Cosmo on this one. (Hey, it happens.) So if we agree with this advice so much, why are we telling you about it? Well, mixed in with all the good advice is some pretty messed-up shit:
...forbidding your guy from hanging out with a man stealer...

...while your guy interacts with a female friend or colleague who you know will attempt to seduce him at every turn...

...demanding that he ditch the bitch... [emphasis mine]
Now, how exactly are you supposed to "know" that this woman will "attempt to seduce" your boyfriend? The article doesn't give any advice on how to determine if the female friend or colleague of your boyfriend actually has bad intentions; it doesn't describe her at all beyond "man stealer" or "bitch" (it rhymes, so it's can't be offensive). The only example they gave was Angelina Jolie:
...the actress behind Mrs. Smith has shown that she's willing to do whatever it takes to get the Mr. Smith she wants...and no wife--sorry, Jen--is about to stop her
Um, I'm not exactly a huge Angelina Jolie fan, but are we really supposed to blame her 100% for Brad and Jen's divorce? Did she really do whatever it took to steal Brad away from Jen or did they just fall in love? I don't agree with getting involved with married men but I also don't think you can "steal" anything that doesn't kind of want to be stolen.

I agree that you shouldn't tolerate another woman behaving inappropriately around your boyfriend or husband, but you also have to acknowledge that maybe sometimes a) it's your boyfriend or husband who is the problem or b) sometimes it's just your being jealous and overreacting. So we agree with Cosmo that the best way to deal with a woman trying to steal your man isn't to forbid him from seeing her, but rather explain to him what about her and her behavior upsets you. But at the same time, no matter how calm and nonconfrontational and noncontrolling you are about it - if this woman isn't doing anything wrong, then your man might not "ditch the bitch" afterall.

  • Why So Many Men Are Suckers for Skanks
Right there on the very next page was the next annoyance. Even the title was just lovely. This article was such a fucking trainwreck of slut-shaming it was hard to even read. Every other line was basically just the author hating on any woman sexier than her. (I'm just being nasty obviously, I have no idea how sexy Jessica Knoll is, but this whole article just reeks of slut-shamey jealousy.)

When Bachelor Jake chose Vienna over Tenley, women everywhere let out a collective ugh. Never mind that those fake boobs and grody hair extensions made her look like a stripper -- how could he not see the red flags raised by her past?
I hate when they say something like "women everywhere"... sorry, but I didn't (and wouldn't) go "ugh" at "fake boobs and grody hair extensions" nor would a lot of other women out there, but I guess they aren't real women, they're just fellow skanks. And since when do "fake boobs and grody hair extensions" automatically mean she looks like a stripper?

Can you spot the skank in the photo? They look pretty similar. I had to look it up to figure out who the actual skank was according to Cosmo.


(Tenley is on the left; Vienna is on the right).

And Jake's not the only recent example of a guy who fell for the stripper type. Both Jesse James and Tiger Woods notoriously cheated with some low-rent floozies. Philanderers aside, trashy chicks, like Heidi Montag and Audrina Partridge, seem to be popping up everywhere. We have to wonder: What's behind the skank appeal?
They're not just the "stripper type" and skanks, but they're low-rent too! Okay. So who exactly determines the going rate? And while people have talked about Heidi Montag being a bad person (I don't know her and I haven't seen the Hills in years) why are she and Audrina Partridge necessarily "trashy" chicks?
BLINDING BOOTY. A woman's skankdar is better tuned than a man's because our hormones aren't blurring the signals. [...] Even if some guys get that trout pout, caked-on makeup, and surgical enhancement are skanky, that doesn't stifle their attraction.
Okay, so men are soooo stupid that they can't see beyond sexual attraction? They need us smart, non-skanky women to help them! Can we please finally get off the stupid idea that plastic surgery means you're a skanky bimbo? Please. In 2009 there were 12.5 million cosmetic procedures performed in the U.S. and breast augmentation was in the top 5 surgical procedures. I bet at least a few of those women are Cosmo readers. Doesn't Cosmo consider that they might be alienating people with their judgmental bullshit? And we know how much Cosmo hates women who wear too much makeup. (That's why there's a makeup ad every three or four pages.)

LUST VERSUS LOVE. The stereotypical skank is the ultimate sex-toy fantasy because she's all about appealing to a man's needs while expressing none of her own, says Houran. "Men think they can do things with her that they couldn't do with their wives or girlfriends." Ryan points to the texts Tiger allegedly sent mistress number seven (or whichever one she was) about wanting to choke and spank her. It might be hard for him to talk that way to the mother of his chidlren. "If the sexual turn-on is about disrespect, a man can't act on it with a woman he does respect,"
Fuck you Cosmo. Way to reinforce the stupid, outdated "Madonna Whore" thing. Here's a fucking newsflash... You can still fuck the mother of your children. You can still fuck the woman you love. You'd think that with all the sex-tips that Cosmo regurgitates every month to teach women to please their men, they'd get this already. (By the way, there are 75 Sex Tips From Guys in this issue, barf.) But no, men cheat on us because they respect us so much! And it's clear that their sexual experience is limited to soft-core white-bread non-kinky kink like tying your wrists with a silk scarf... because being choked or spanked does not have to be about disrespect. And if it does for you, it doesn't have to mean you can't also respect the person outside of the one sexual act.

Also you have to check out the photos and obnoxious captions paired with this article:


The photos are of (from left) Heidi Montag, Rachel Uchitel, and Vienna Girardi. The captions read: "They're a skank's calling card: The plastic pair... The trout pout... And the trainwreck personality." Ugh, fuck you Cosmo.
  • How to Make a Man Commit
There are a lot of things we can learn about men and relationships from this article...
"...the characteristics that capture a guy's interest initially aren't the same ones that matter most to him once he's thinking LTR..."
Yeah, we already learned that from the previous article. Men are attracted to skanks... but they want to date and marry nice girls... and then cheat on them with skanks! Because they respect them.

"When men are in a relationship, they seek emotional support almost exclusively from their partner ... whereas women have friends and family they're comfortable turning to."
Didn't you know that men are emotionally inept and don't know how to talk to their friends and family? Okay.
"...guys are hardwired to analyze a woman's appearance. All. The Time. Instinctively. ... In his mind having a girlfriend who chooses heels instead of flats and takes 10 minutes to blow out her hair ups his chances of having steamy sex for years to come."
Yeah, who cares if flats are more comfortable than heels? We must look good for our men! Or they will cheat on us with skanks! But don't look too attractive to men or you become a skank. It's a fine line.
  • When It's Time to Tame a Flirty Friend
This article is basically about the same thing as the "Love Mistake That Pushes Him Away" article: how to keep that man-stealer away from your guys... except the skank is your friend! The author, Kristina Grish, tells of her friend "Lara" who has "moves" that she used to "land" herself a boyfriend, a few flings, and then a husband. Grish then decided that she was using these moves on her husband... which apparently consisted of asking him questions and laughing at his jokes and smiling (OMG! Those are some moves! What a tramp!)

Of course, her husband never notices this so-called flirting and the author makes a point of adding that she and Lara "never competed for men"... so, then what's the problem then? I don't know, some people just have a naturally outgoing "flirty" personality, it doesn't mean they're trying to steal your man. It might not even be obvious to Lara that she's doing something that bothers her (maybe Lara just has a more dazzling personality than Grish and she's mistaking that for a conscious effort) so by just labeling her as too flirty she's slut-shaming her instead of considering an actual, mature conversation about her behavior and the motives behind it.
  • The Work Skill Bosses Don't Dare Teach You
Apparently the work skill bosses don't dare teach you is flirting. Okay. However, they made sure to point out that there's always that invisible arbitrary line between sexy and slutty. The sidebar insert is titled "Too Trampy" (that really says it all) and lists things you shouldn't do on the job. These range from ridiculous things you would obviously never do at work ("using casual Fridays as an excuse to try the no-pants trend") to the irrationally judgmental ("Strapping on your Lucite heels -- hey, they match your office accessories").

There do exist Lucite heels that would be completely appropriate for work, even at a conservative office:


Why are Lucite heels so trampy that they may get you fired? Because strippers wear them of course and like women with breast implants and makeup, strippers are skanky... right? It also makes a point of saying you shouldn't sext your boss, which is true, unless you're dating your boss. A few pages later (in another article) Cosmo was sure to let us know that 32% of "office lovers" have ended up marrying each other.
  • The Wildest Orgasms We've Ever Heard Of
This one doesn't technically fall under "slut-shaming" but we thought it was worth including... it's an article that gives tips on how to master an "immaculate orgasm". Yep, orgasm just by thinking. Now we know that this is possible, but it just made us chuckle a little bit. Cosmo is so hypocritical all the time... sex tips on one page, slut-shaming on the next... that it makes so much sense that they would jump at the idea of a sexless orgasm. All the fun of sex without all the trampiness of having sex!
  • Dancing Badly With The Stars
We're not sure why exactly a two-page spread making fun of the way celebrities dance is in the "Fun and Fearless" section of the magazine. You'd think that if someone was truly fun and fearless, they wouldn't need to make fun of other people (even if they do look a little silly dancing) just to feel better about themselves. But then we read the captions on the pictures and got even more annoyed.

These two were the worst... Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi on the left and Janice Dickinson on the right:


The captions read:
THE SNOOK-TEASE
Leave it to Snooki to find the nearest stripper, er, exotic-dancing pole. But hey, at least it's a step up from her thong-flashing cartwheels.... Way to stay classy, Snooks!

THE PEE (EEK) SHOW
Janice Dickinson's sweet move is easy. Step 1: Don't wear underwear. Step 2: Hike up your dress so the world knows what you're (not) packing.
These are both so fucked up. Of course Snooki would "find" the nearest stripper pole... because she's such an un-classy tramp. (For the record, she was paid to hot a "Saturday Loves Jersey Shore" party at Opium Nightclub at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotels & Casino in Tampa, Florida.) And what's the crack about exotic dancing? They dropped the word "stripper" so many times in this issue, in a variety of articles, why are they being condescendingly euphemistic now? ...As for Janice Dickinson, how do they know she's not wearing underwear? It doesn't seem evident from that photo that she is. She may have hiked up her skirt, but as far as we can tell she's not showing the world anything.

And... that concludes our analysis of Cosmo's super slut-shamey June issue. We will now return to our regularly scheduled complaining about the July issue.

1 comment:

marymac said...

Your blog is the bomb dot com. LOVE this write-up! You had me cracking up the whole time- trout pout lol and stay classy, Snooks! HA!!
LOVE you sexy gals!

xoxo