Although we did already write two blogs based on the July 2010 issue of Cosmo (we dissected the ever-controversial Why More Girls Are Kissing Girls article and the all-slut-shaming, no-fact-checking letter to Bai Ling) we neglected to post our July Cosmo Quickies until we already had received our copy of the August 2010 issue. Oops.
So, before we start ripping on August 2010... here is a very quick, July Cosmo Quickies...
To start, just a quick note about the cover. When did Cosmo decide to become a tabloid? Check out these two hilarious headlines: "LeAnn Rimes Stole My Husband" and "VAGINAS UNDER ATTACK".
- Attack of the Killer Vaginas
- LeAnn Rimes: Husband-Stealer
We definitely do not agree with people who cheat, lie or interfere with other peoples' relationships... however, you can't steal someone who doesn't want to be stolen. Cibrian was never Glanville's property and while we don't condone what Rimes did, she certainly wasn't forcing him to do anything against his will. I don't think of her as a husband-stealer, so much as someone who fell in love and made mistakes. (Again, NOT condoning the lying and cheating - they both should've come clean the minute they started to have feelings for each other. But I refuse to believe that she "stole" Cibrian because she was stalking or "Single White Female-ing" Glanville.)
The Cosmo article itself was less about Rimes than it is about what a cheating jerk Cibrian was... which can't be blamed on Rimes alone. So why the sensational title? What is the purpose of an article like this really? Glanville has plenty reason to hate Rimes and Cibrian, but this article doesn't seem to serve any purpose other than to get back at them. You didn't see Jennifer Aniston writing "Angeline Jolie stole my husband" articles for Vogue or Glamour magazine, so I just really don't understand why this was written or why Cosmo agreed to print it. (If anything, it should have been in last month's all-slut-shaming edition, the theme of which was clearly "man-stealing skanks".) But more importantly, why is Cosmo selling it as "LeAnn Rimes Stole My Husband" instead of "My Husband Cheated On Me"?
99 Recycled Sex Moves. Wonder if one of these brand new, never ever heard of before facts is "there's this amazing new invention called lube"?) "Every Forbidden, Fascinating Detail You Want To Know... and Only Cosmo Will Tell You." Um, okay. You have piqued my curiosity Cosmo. Let's see what some of these forbidden, fascinating, brand new can't-find-them-anywhere-else-but-in-Cosmo sex facts are...
Single women are more attracted to men who are taken than to those who are available.Wow. That is some forbidden, fascinating, brand new stuff that I have never read anywhere else.
Men take more risks when they know hot women are looking.
Women who masturbate regularly are more likely to orgasm during intercourse.
Fifty-sex percent of men say they wish their penis was bigger.
- Snap Judgments
If you're seeking confirmation that you and your man are meant to be, upload your photos to CanDoBetter.com,where people decide if you're good together...or if one of you is too damn cute for the other.What... the... fuck? So, what if the voters on CanDoBetter.com decide that we're not a good match, does that mean we're not meant to be? Are we supposed to break up now? Nothing says "fun and fearless" like basing your self esteem and faith in your relationship on a what a bunch of losers on the Internet have to say on this Hot-Or-Not ripoff site.
- Pretty Bitches
Think your gorgeous self shouldn't have to wait in line at a club or refill your own drink at a party? You're not alone. In a study at the University of California at Santa Barbara, women rated their own looks then answered questions about the treatment they deserved. Those who gave themselves babe status expected more VIP perks.Hm. I'm not making the jump that Cosmo made... that being pretty makes you bitchier. All this really says is that conceited, high maintenance people think they deserve a lot. (Shocker.) No where does it say that thinking you deserve a high level of treatment necessarily means you are bitchy and no where does it say that these women think they deserved a high level of treatment because they thought they were pretty.
I think reading Cosmo makes me bitchier.
- Guarantee He'll Call You
When a new hottie asks for your info, forget the BBM exchange. Instead grab your H20-proof eyeliner and write your digits on his hand. According to our guys-only Web poll, 54 percent say tihs ballsy move is super sexy.What? Okay, if their guys-only Web poll was anything like this one then we can only imagine what the alternative was to that super ballsy move. We personally think it's pretty stupid. Not only because we think it just comes off as crazy to write your phone number on someone's hand in eyeliner, but because the example they gave in the accompanying image (Clarins Waterproof Eyeliner Pencils) was captioned with "$23 each". What? I'm sorry, but if my waterproof eyeliner costs $23 each, I'm not wasting it writing on some guy's hand!
- Someone At Cosmo Has a Crush on Edward Cullen
10 Reasons We're Still Obsessed with R-PatzPS: Can we stop with the stupid nicknames already? You're not Jennifer Lopez and it's not 2001, so it's not cute or funny or cool and it's certainly not clever.
1. We're aware a lot of our readership is thirteen years old.
2. Or emotionally thirteen years old.
3. We always wanted a hundred-year-old murderer to stalk us.
4. But not fuck us.
8. BIG HAIR!
9. We think he probably has a penis, presumably.
10. We have to be obsessed with a male celebrity at all times, and he seemed as good as any.
- Things To Do To His Balls
... balls ... his boys ... nuts ... his twins ... cojones ... down there ... remote control for his O (no really) ... the Gruesome Twosome ...
- Ask Him Anything
QUESTION: My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year, but I've hung out with his friends only a handful of times. He says it's because he's afraid they'll say or do something offensive, but they've seemed fine to me. So is it an excuse for something else?He suggests that the boyfriend may be uncomfortable with the "social responsibility" of spending time with his girlfriend and friends simultaneously (sounds like a great guy) or jealous and insecure that she'll like one of his friends better than him. Um, hello!? Can we at least consider option C - that he's possibly a liar or cheater and doesn't want his friends to accidentally reveal any information he's hiding from his girlfriend (like say, that he wasn't really out getting drinks with them when he said he was).
QUESTION: I've started hooking up with an ex of a friend of mine (she's fine with it). She'd told me he was awesome in bed, but so far, he has been super awkwardand even had trouble staying hard. Could he really have gone from awesome to awful in a few months?Again, he gives two possibilities: He's "still hung up on his ex" or he's "freaked out by a bizarre situation". Yeah, or... maybe the friend has totally different standards of what "awesome" in bed is. Or maybe it takes him a little time to work his way up to "awesome" with a new person (it doesn't say how long he was with the ex).
- Naughty Things To Do in the Dark
- Celebrity Fit Club
Of course, Cosmo added a vaguely homophobic caption: