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July 14, 2010

Cosmo Quickies: July 2010

We've sort of been slacking on the Cosmo Quickies the last few months. Sorry.

Although we did already write two blogs based on the July 2010 issue of Cosmo (we dissected the ever-controversial Why More Girls Are Kissing Girls article and the all-slut-shaming, no-fact-checking  letter to Bai Ling) we neglected to post our July Cosmo Quickies until we already had received our copy of the August 2010 issue. Oops.

So, before we start ripping on August 2010... here is a very quick, July Cosmo Quickies...

To start, just a quick note about the cover. When did Cosmo decide to become a tabloid? Check out these two hilarious headlines: "LeAnn Rimes Stole My Husband" and "VAGINAS UNDER ATTACK".
  • Attack of the Killer Vaginas
 Now we won't argue whether the actual "vagina" article (which is about unnecessary cosmetic vaginal surgeries) is important and relevant... but c'mon, that title? Are they kidding us? You can't get any more scare-tactical than that... it sounds like the name of a horror movie.
  • LeAnn Rimes: Husband-Stealer
On the other hand, the LeAnn Rimes story is pure tabloid fodder. Why is this story in Cosmo? It's not a hot, new story (Rimes and Eddie Cibrian filed for divorce from their respective spouses over a year ago after their "affair" became public) and it certainly doesn't fall under the "fun and fearless" theme they claim to go by. The author, Cibrian's ex-wife Brandi Glanville, is neither a writer nor a bonafide celebrity; her biggest claim to fame is having her husband "stolen" by LeAnn Rimes. And let's talk about that word "stolen"...

We definitely do not agree with people who cheat, lie or interfere with other peoples' relationships... however, you can't steal someone who doesn't want to be stolen. Cibrian was never Glanville's property and while we don't condone what Rimes did, she certainly wasn't forcing him to do anything against his will. I don't think of her as a husband-stealer, so much as someone who fell in love and made mistakes. (Again, NOT condoning the lying and cheating - they both should've come clean the minute they started to have feelings for each other. But I refuse to believe that she "stole" Cibrian because she was stalking or "Single White Female-ing" Glanville.)

The Cosmo article itself was less about Rimes than it is about what a cheating jerk Cibrian was... which can't be blamed on Rimes alone.  So why the sensational title? What is the purpose of an article like this really? Glanville has plenty reason to hate Rimes and Cibrian, but this article doesn't seem to serve any purpose other than to get back at them. You didn't see Jennifer Aniston writing "Angeline Jolie stole my husband" articles for Vogue or Glamour magazine, so I just really don't understand why this was written or why Cosmo agreed to print it. (If anything, it should have been in last month's all-slut-shaming edition, the theme of which was clearly "man-stealing skanks".) But more importantly, why is Cosmo selling it as "LeAnn Rimes Stole My Husband" instead of "My Husband Cheated On Me"?

  • 99 Not-So-Hot, Not-So-New, Semi-Factual Things About Sex
This month's cover also claims to have 99 NEW SEX FACTS. (We can only imagine that they're going to be just as "new" as their 99 Recycled Sex Moves. Wonder if one of these brand new, never ever heard of before facts is "there's this amazing new invention called lube"?) "Every Forbidden, Fascinating Detail You Want To Know... and Only Cosmo Will Tell You." Um, okay. You have piqued my curiosity Cosmo. Let's see what some of these forbidden, fascinating, brand new can't-find-them-anywhere-else-but-in-Cosmo sex facts are...
Single women are more attracted to men who are taken than to those who are available.

Men take more risks when they know hot women are looking.

Women who masturbate regularly are more likely to orgasm during intercourse.

Fifty-sex percent of men say they wish their penis was bigger.
Wow. That is some forbidden, fascinating, brand new stuff that I have never read anywhere else.
  • Snap Judgments
From the Hot Sheet (always our favorite source of material to mock)...
If you're seeking confirmation that you and your man are meant to be, upload your photos to CanDoBetter.com,where people decide if you're good together...or if one of you is too damn cute for the other.
What... the... fuck? So, what if the voters on CanDoBetter.com decide that we're not a good match, does that mean we're not meant to be? Are we supposed to break up now? Nothing says "fun and fearless" like basing your self esteem and faith in your relationship on a what a bunch of losers on the Internet have to say on this Hot-Or-Not ripoff site.

  • Pretty Bitches
Cosmo thinks that "Being Pretty Makes You Bitchier" (they really do, they prefaced it with "It's True" and if Cosmo says it's true, then it must be true, right?) We think they just don't get it.
Think your gorgeous self shouldn't have to wait in line at a club or refill your own drink at a party? You're not alone. In a study at the University of California at Santa Barbara, women rated their own looks then answered questions about the treatment they deserved. Those who gave themselves babe status expected  more VIP perks.
Hm. I'm not making the jump that Cosmo made... that being pretty makes you bitchier. All this really says is that conceited, high maintenance people think they deserve a lot. (Shocker.) No where does it say that thinking you deserve a high level of treatment necessarily means you are bitchy and no where does it say that these women think they deserved a high level of treatment because they thought they were pretty.

I think reading Cosmo makes me bitchier.
  • Guarantee He'll Call You
When a new hottie asks for your info, forget the BBM exchange. Instead grab your H20-proof eyeliner and write your digits on his hand. According to our guys-only Web poll, 54 percent say tihs ballsy move is super sexy.
What? Okay, if their guys-only Web poll was anything like this one then we can only imagine what the alternative was to that super ballsy move. We personally think it's pretty stupid. Not only because we think it just comes off as crazy to write your phone number on someone's hand in eyeliner, but because the example they gave in the accompanying image (Clarins Waterproof Eyeliner Pencils) was captioned with "$23 each". What? I'm sorry, but if my waterproof eyeliner costs $23 each, I'm not wasting it writing on some guy's hand!
  •  Someone At Cosmo Has a Crush on Edward Cullen
We thought about how best to respond to "10 Reasons We're Still Obsessed With R-Patz", but no one can top the Pervocracy's take on it:
10 Reasons We're Still Obsessed with R-Patz
1. We're aware a lot of our readership is thirteen years old.
2. Or emotionally thirteen years old.
3. We always wanted a hundred-year-old murderer to stalk us.
4. But not fuck us.
9. We think he probably has a penis, presumably.
10. We have to be obsessed with a male celebrity at all times, and he seemed as good as any.
PS: Can we stop with the stupid nicknames already? You're not Jennifer Lopez and it's not 2001, so it's not cute or funny or cool and it's certainly not clever.

  • Things To Do To His Balls
Finally, the long awaited follow-up to Things To Do To His Penis and Things To Do To His Ass (not to mention Things To Do With Your Breasts)... "Two Spots He's Dying for You to Touch". Boy did they have a field day with the euphemisms again! Not only are there images of coconuts and peanuts... but they also calls testicles:
... balls ... his boys ... nuts ... his twins ... cojones ... down there ... remote control for his O (no really) ... the Gruesome Twosome ...
  • Ask Him Anything
Oh Ky Henderson, you give the best advice! Only... not.
QUESTION: My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year, but I've hung out with his friends only a handful of times. He says it's because he's afraid they'll say or do something offensive, but they've seemed fine to me. So is it an excuse for something else?
He suggests that the boyfriend may be uncomfortable with the "social responsibility" of spending time with his girlfriend and friends simultaneously (sounds like a great guy) or jealous and insecure that she'll like one of his friends better than him. Um, hello!? Can we at least consider option C - that he's possibly a liar or cheater and doesn't want his friends to accidentally reveal any information he's hiding from his girlfriend (like say, that he wasn't really out getting drinks with them when he said he was).
QUESTION: I've started hooking up with an ex of a friend of mine (she's fine with it). She'd told me he was awesome in bed, but so far, he has been super awkwardand even had trouble staying hard. Could he really have gone from awesome to awful in a few months?
Again, he gives two possibilities: He's "still hung up on his ex" or he's "freaked out by a bizarre situation". Yeah, or... maybe the friend has totally different standards of what "awesome" in bed is. Or maybe it takes him a little time to work his way up to "awesome" with a new person (it doesn't say how long he was with the ex).
  • Naughty Things To Do in the Dark
Cosmo gives us "20 Dares to Take on After Dark"... and none of them are really that daring.

Take a bubble bath alone! Play truth or dare with your friends. Go to a restaurant! Eat ice cream! Cosmo-readers, GO CRAZY!

  • Celebrity Fit Club
Cosmo makes fun of male celebrities for looking awkward while trying to play sports. Okay, fine... the Jonas Brothers can't catch... ha ha. But then there's a photo of Andy Roddick with a basketball and it looks like he was probably spinning it or something because his hand is out with a flicked wrist. (Sorry for the TERRIBLE pic below, we couldn't get a less blurry version. But you get the idea.)

Of course, Cosmo added a vaguely homophobic caption:
Girrrl, you know I'm not playing with this basketball!
Are we really still using the "limp wrist" stereotype thing to make gay jokes? Would this caption still be funny if Roddick was gay?


Anonymous said...

Continued from other comment:
I never bothered with Cosmo. Their so heavily focused on sex and relationships, I
thought seventeen was bad but these magazines are so tasteless. Different sex positions and how
to please him in bed - what if I don't want to have sex? not everyone does... All I can remember thinking while flicking though this magazines is what are we teaching the women of today? why doesn't these magazines have any substance at all? why
do so many waste money on magazine that tell them how to look and feel instead of making them feel empowered and enriched. I want a magazine that tells me about the world and things that matter instead of all the superficial garbage were fed every month.

The magazines in the 50s were all about being a perfect housewife and making your husband
feel good after he comes home from work. You would think in today's society we would have moved forward and made a change in the roles of women but today's magazines aren't any better.. but every article is about making him feel good... and if his happy that will make you happy or something. You wouldn't think that in 2010 we still have this view as women just being around to please men....

Anyways here a link to a post I found on another website that is all about what is bad in these magazines.

she makes alot of good points....her rant is a little long but its a good read. Your blog reminded me of alot of the things she said.

Oh and one more thing before I go... I haven't really read alot of the other posts on your blog I may come back another day...... but have you ever written anything about asexuality? And if not... maybe you should? I think that would make an interesting post... your take on the asexual world...
In a one of the Cosmo posts you touch on heteroflexible people. Some of the terms you used in the post reminded me of asexuals and there take on the world and I would love to hear your thoughts on that topic. For example this sentence "....It also doesn't mean that you have to be open to sexual activity with both genders or emotional relationships with both genders." I like the fact you said you don't have to be open to sexual activity with someone to to be bisexual. For bi-romantic asexuals they don't want sex with either gender but you get my point.

If you have already done this topic then, sorry for bringing it up.

Anonymous said...

Thus was my first First comment- I don't think your blog registered this when I orgianlly posted it so now my comments with be 2,3,1 -sorry:

Ask Him Anything,question two:
In the question she clearly says her friend is fine with her dating the ex.....maybe that's why shes so fine with it... coz his bad in bed... and she told you he was awesome to either make you feel like there's something wrong with you because you were told he was 'awesome' with your friend.....or so you can be with a bad lay and then bitch about when together after you dump him...or maybe that's her way of letting you be punished for going after her ex..

Anyway just been reading back over all the Cosmo posts you've done. I found them to be very hilarious. You should be giving out the advice in Cosmo not whoever they get to write their articles.

Magazines really suck don't they?

I know of people complain about magazines and the way the models they use for the fashion spreads etc can effect young girls self esteem and body image.
It seems and obvious and important to me as the issues of models in magazines and how that effects body image, to talk about
the content of articles and how they effect the young minds reading them. Why I know alot of people are trying to address body image and magazines and complain about it noone seems to read the articles. Its not playboy (although one wouldn't be surprised if they have more intelligent articles) were not meant to be just looking at the photos of the pretty girls you know?

I think magazines don't just need to improve their ways when it comes to models and body
image and how it presents them their publications but the whole magazine. As a young person
I am in an in between stage - too old to read Seventeen and magazines like that and feel too young to read
Cosmopolitan. I wish I could find a magazine that actually speaks to me and makes
me want to read it, that teaches me and inspires me, I guess that kind of stuff is only
found in real literature like books. I used to read dolly and girlfriend every month,
until one day I just realized it was a waste of money and time investing in something so
pathetic. After reading the magazines for two years, I got sick of reading the same
articles, the same questions sent in the letters section, the same boring gossip about
celebrities and fashion pages full of clothes that I couldn't afford (why spend $70 on a
plain white top when I can just go to Kmart and get one for $15?). Sometimes the same
stories were covered in both magazines with the same celeb on the front, why pay double the
price for the same thing?. I got sick of reading about stuff related to school, when I had
finished there. Stuff about friends I couldn't relate to and things I already knew in
again and again. Then there was too many pages on boys. How to get a boyfriend etc....they
like to seem gay friendly but everything in the magazine assumes your straight and like