Now, many people will read this and choose to focus on how unbelievably racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, and generally ridiculous these comments are. But I think that's all obvious enough, so we can turn our attention to the real breaking news here. The Rice Krispies elves are gay?! Wow, those sneaky gays really are everywhere. It's amazing that we all grew up not knowing that Snap, Crackle, and Pop were secret agents of The Gay Agenda.
"Hey, President Obama," he spits out the name like a mouthful of burning hair. "You ain't black. I don't care what you say—you're a latte. You're half whole-milk. It could be goat milk—you could be a terrorist!" I am too busy losing my mind to catch the next joke, which is about Ted Kennedy's brain cancer. Aaaaand we're off.
Gallagher is upset about a lot of things. Young people with their sagging pants (in faintly coded racist terms, he explains that this is why the jails are overcrowded—because "their" baggy pants make it too hard for "them" to run from the cops). Tattoos: "That ink goes through to your soul—if you read your Bible, your body is a sacred temple, YOU DIPSHIT." People naming their girl-children Sam and Toni instead of acceptable names like Evelyn and Betty: "Just give her some little lesbian tendencies!" Guantánamo Bay: "We weren't even allowed to torture all the way. We had to half-torture—that's nothin' compared to what Saddam and his two sons OOFAY and GOOFAY did." Lesbians: "There's two types—the ugly ones and the pretty ones." (Um, like all people?) Obama again: "If Obama was really black, he'd act like a black guy and get a white wife." Michael Vick: "Poor Michael Vick." Women's lib: "These women told you they wanna be equal—they DON'T." Trans people: "People like Cher's daughter—figure that out. She wants a penis, but she has a big belly. If you can't see your dick, you don't get one." The Rice Krispies elves: "All three of those guys are gay. Look at 'em!" The Mexicans: "Look around—see any Mexicans? Nope. They'll be here later for the cleanup." The French: "They ruin our language with their faggy words."
Above all, everything is gay, gay, gay to Gallagher. He leans into it with the borderline-nonsensical, icked-out, ignorant glee of a boy—or the protest-too-much vigor of a GOP senator. Gallagher delivers your Bible verse for the day: "Without God, we are nothing but dust. What is butt dust? Is that what you get if your homosexual isn't properly lubricated?" He relates a story about spilling mouthwash onto his crotch during a show: "Lucky for me, there was no homosexuals in the area—'cause my balls was minty fresh." At other points during the show, Gallagher says, "Men and women can't live in the same house" and "There's no way men and women can have a relationship." He says he can't remember why he used to feel pleasure in looking at a woman. And, "There's only one kind of homosexual guy, and that's the pretty ones—why do homosexual men have to be so good-looking?" Gallagher. Listen. Is there something you want to share with us? [The Stranger via ONTD. Emphasis mine.]
It was 20 years ago that Pentecostal minister and radio host Joseph Chambers outed Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie: "They’re two grown men sharing a house — and a bedroom! They share clothes. They eat and cook together. They vacation together and have effeminate characteristics. In one show Bert teaches Ernie how to sew. In another, they tend plants together. If this isn’t meant to represent a homosexual union, I can’t imagine what it’s supposed to represent."
Then in 1999, Jerry Falwell outed Tinky Winky, the gay Teletubby: "He is purple - the gay-pride colour; and his antenna is shaped like a triangle - the gay-pride symbol...As a Christian I feel that role modelling the gay lifestyle is damaging to the moral lives of children." Several years later, Focus on the Family and the American Family Association teamed up to expose a pro-gay indoctrination video for children starring Spongebob Squarepants, Barney, Winnie the Pooh, and other popular characters. What would we do without the constant vigilance of such committed activists?*
Since then, the world has been waiting. Waiting for another conservative, right-wing, homophobic man with the courage to force animated children's characters out of the closet. Bravo, Gallagher. Your bravery is inspiring. But your comedy sucks.
*More peace and quiet, less stress, no blog material.