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August 31, 2010

Cosmo Quickies: August 2010

I think this might be the most belated Cosmo Quickies post yet. Sorry everyone! Attending two conferences and launching a new blog kept us busy this month, but we did have time to read the August issue of Cosmo, and of course we have some thoughts.

-It's The Hot Issue, which, like The Sexy Issue, helps to differentiate this from all of the chaste, demure, and un-hot issues that Cosmo usually puts out.

-Cover model Britney Spears is the victim of some bizarre Photoshopping. Apparently her neck chose not to appear on the cover with her.

-One of the letters to the editor this month came from a woman named Jane, who is totally an honorary ESC member:
I found "Why So Many Men Are Suckers for Skanks (June 2010) offensive. The words skank and stripper were repeated throughout the article. How about empowering women by teaching them not to hate on other women?
We're glad that Cosmo actually printed this letter, but unfortunately we doubt that they're going to take Jane's comments very seriously. The regular "Sexy vs. Skanky" feature is still there in all its glory, and the Hot Sheet page is still home to its usual slut-shaming.

-Speaking of that, this month's "What's Not So Hot" victim is Tila Tequila.

12 May 2010 - Los Angeles, California - Tila Tequila. Tila Tequila Album Release party_Arrivals held At The Conga Room. Photo Credit: Kevan Brooks/AdMedia
Dear Tila Tequila,

We think the dead bird strapped to your impossible-to-compress chest is technically a cape, so we assume you're going for a goth superhero look. Sadly, mega skankiness is your only power.


[Note: This isn't the exact same photo that Cosmo used, but it's a similar one from the same event. Ms. Tequila wore this outfit at the release party for her album Welcome To The Darkside.]

Wow, they worked skank, tramp, and a slam on breast implants all in this short letter. They must be so proud. Now, is this the classiest, most understated outfit we've ever seen? No. I guess we just don't see the point of this monthly exercise in unoriginal and unnecessary cattiness.

-Later on in the Cosmo News section there's a list of "What's In and Out This Summer". Apparently Brazilians are out and vajazzling is in. We still can't believe that Cosmo is so late to the vattooing bandwagon.

-There's an article about the "growing trend" of women choosing to become single mothers, often via artificial insemination. The article itself isn't bad, but someone thought it would be a good idea to go with the title "Would You Have a Baster Baby?" Stay classy!

-"101 Things About Men" was very informative. Here are some of the things we learned:
  • The one thing that makes all men cry is the death of a loved one the birth of a child sports. Obviously.
  • Your lunch break is "the best hour for manhunting" because it's not the usual pickup scene so guys will "let their guard down". Recommended ways to take advantage of this include offering to share a fast food coupon, pretending you go to the same gym, and complimenting something he's wearing by acting like you want to buy the same thing for your cousin. We don't see how any of those could possibly fail.
  • According to a Men's Health poll, "1 in 5 men say they'd prefer to be treated by a sexy nurse rather than by a competent doctor." Because apparently it's impossible for a sexy nurse to be male, or for a nurse or doctor to be both sexy and competent.
  • Cosmo was nice enough to compile some of the latest terms that they claim they've heard from guys in a Dude Dictionary. They include gorilla salad (when a man or woman has way too much hair below the belt), taco night (a night when a man is guaranteed action, like on a birthday or anniversary), and Facebook hot (a girl who is significantly, and deceptively, sexier online than in real life). Wonder how many Cosmo interns it took to come up with those oh-so-charming terms.
  • Your guy will really "dig" it if you give him a "brewski facial", a manly beauty treatment that Cosmo assures us is "now popping up at select spas". The recipe, which includes beer and raw eggs, is suspiciously similar to the boob mask that they recommended several months ago. We doubt our boyfriends would enjoy this any more than our boobs would have.
  • Cosmo got Pandora.com to "reveal the most popular stations guys streamed over a recent 48-hour period." They then declared some of the results, including Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, Sade, Celine Dion, and the Backstreet Boys, to be "way too goofy". Because all men are supposed to be the same age and sexual orientation and have the same backgrounds and identical manly tastes in music?

-We're up to the part of the post where we give Cosmo one point for doing something right. There's a page of "Straight-to-DVD Movies We'd Love to See", including Dear John Message in a Notebook to Remember in Rodanthe starring Ryan Gosling, and Vice Versa starring Justin Bieber and George Clooney. "When father and son switch bodies, it becomes slightly less creepy for grown women to sweat Justin Bieber." Okay, we laughed.

-This issue contains what Cosmo is calling "Our Naughtiest Sex Survey Ever!"
We wanted our latest sex poll to be like a quickie: short, to the point, and hot as hell. So we asked more than 2000 guys ages 18 to 34 to play an X-rated version of would-you-rather...The juicy results, based on our online survey, will give you the power to read your man's mind.
What they've actually done here is just publish the results of their online poll that we showed you a couple of months ago. This poll was available on their website and also posted to their twitter account, so even though it said "guys only" it really could have been anyone providing the answers. We could have taken the poll and sent it to all of our female friends just to mess with their results. (We didn't.) We're sure you're all shocked to learn that Cosmo's "research" on what men want is totally unscientific and easily manipulated.

-In the Love & Lust section, there's a "How to Tell If He'll Cheat" quiz. If he's into trendy fashion and social networking but not into going green, just assume he's going to cheat on you. This was probably the most annoying question:
You're dying to go see Eclipse this weekend. All your friends have seen it already, so you beg him to go. He...

a) Agrees and orders tickets for both of you online.
b) Grumbles a bit but says he'll go as long as he gets to choose the flick next time.
c) Rolls his eyes and tells you there's no way he's seeing that girlie crap.
Okay, option B is reasonable. But...if you like Twilight, and all of your friends like Twilight...just go see the movie with them! Why insist on dragging your boyfriend with you if he's not into it at all? Wouldn't it be more fun to see it with other people who actually care? Is it some sort of test to see if the guy is worthy of being your own personal Edward or Jacob? We don't get it.

-There's an article called "John Mayer's G-Spot Geometry (It's All About the Angles)", which makes this the second time in several months that they've built an entire article around some nonsense that Mayer has said. They really need to stop doing this before they create the mistaken impression that women actually care what he has to say and he ends up with a book deal or something.

-The Cosmo Health Report features an article called "Bounce Back Fast From A Bad Health Move". Like the "baster baby" article, this is a case where the content of the piece isn't horrible but the whole thing is ruined by the way it's presented. This is the accompanying photo for the article:

Yes, those are pigs, and the caption, which is about an inch away from the model's totally flat stomach, reads "Keep eating like that and no one will be calling you Babe." They should have called this The Classy Issue.

-In the Fun and Fearless section there's an article called "So...You Want to Star in a Sex Tape?" that has tips on how to make a tape while making sure that it never "comes back to haunt you". The suggestions include "wigs, masks, sunglasses, a Lady Gaga-style veil, even a blindfold", limiting the lighting, using sheer fabric as a filter over the camera lens, staying in a position that hides your faces from the camera, and using editing software to make it even darker or add blurring or animating effects. Because who isn't turned on by watching fuzzy costumed blobs get it on in blurry darkness, right?

-We took the What Kind of Hot Are You? quiz. In case anyone is curious, Lilith is Statement-Making Hot and Jezebel is Bombshell Hot.

-There's a piece called "Nail It!" about the latest trends in nail polish. One of the trends is "blazing hot" red polish with an orange cast. This is a little confusing because earlier in the magazine on the Beauty Showdown page, they mention "neon nails" and declare that "the ultrabright tips trend is now behind the curve". Accompanying this proclamation is picture of Adrienne Bailon wearing bright orange or orangey-red polish that looks really similar to the trendy polish in Nail It. So make sure that you use exactly the right mix of red and orange, or everyone will laugh at your behind the curve manicure.

One of the other nail trends that they mention is wearing a light shade of polish on one hand and a darker shade on the other.

We just want to state for the record that Jezebel has been rocking the 'one color on one hand and a different color on the other' look since high school, so at least ten years. (Lil' Lilith even does this look now too.) Way to be behind the curve, Cosmo.

-The "Shameless Cooking Tricks" page suggests that "they'll think you're a baking wizard" if you toast some store-bought pound cake and put some sliced strawberries and whipped cream on top. No, sorry, they won't unless "they" are 18 months old.

-The Cosmo Quiz on the last page is "Do You Give Off a Good-in-Bed Vibe?" Most annoying question:
Settling into your airplane seat, you notice the Taylor Lautner double next to you glancing your way. You:
The choices were all stupid so I'm not even going to bother with them, but lets talk about the question for a second. Earlier in this very magazine, they were making fun of how "creepy" it is "for grown women to sweat Justin Bieber". But it is okay to sweat Taylor Lautner, who is like six weeks older than Justin Bieber? Oh Cosmo, you're so confusing.


Amy said...

I think, sadly, while Cosmo used to be designed for real, cosmopolitan women, it is now geared towards skanky teens and the rest of the skanks that probably aren't old enough to drink (although they do daily). Sometimes you just have to call a skank a skank, just as you do a spade a spade (aka Tila Tequila)!


Amy - Obviously we disagree with the idea that anyone ever "just has to" call another woman a skank.

scrumby said...

Taylor Laytner is 18! Quite ruining the only good thing abotu Twilight.

And am I the only one that thinks putting the mind of a mature charismatic ladies man like George Clooney in the body of a tween sensation would be more trouble? Or maybe it would be a Tantalus-like curse. Clooney's preference for 20 somethings would have him chasing women too cool for Beiber.

Gail said...

My nickname for Taylor Lautner for was the longest of time was "Jail Bait."