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August 3, 2010

Cosmo's 50 Quick Tricks to Feel Sexier Instantly

There's an article in the August issue of Cosmo called "Feel Sexier Instantly: 50 Quick Tricks".

No matter how amazing your life is, there are probably days when regardless of your best efforts to get into the groove, it seems as though someone's hijacked your mojo. And it's a damn crime for that to happen at the height of summer - the season when you should feel your absolute sexiest. Well, no longer. There are actually lots of little tweaks you can make that instantly amp up your hotness. We've rounded up 50 quick, easy, sexy energizers.
Well, we hate a mojo hijacking as much as the next person, so we were very excited to read and comment on these tips. (We left out some of the boring ones.) We guarantee that you'll feel sexier just from reading the rest of this post, so let's get to it.

#1 We know it's sensible to wear flip-flops to and from work in the summer. But do your commute in real shoes a couple of times a week. A chick sauntering in 3-inchers is almost impossible to ignore, and collecting admiring looks is such an ego blast.
This tip assumes that everyone works in New York City or another place where your commute to work involves a lot of walking. It also assumes a blissfully street harassment-free world. (Not to mention that high heels increase your chances of getting hurt during your commute.)

#2 Lower your voice when on the phone. There's proof we dip it low when we're speaking to someone we're into. Knowing you sound like a vixen will make you feel even more like one.
I imagine that what this "proof" shows is that lowering your voice in a situation like this is something you would do naturally and without realizing it. Trying to fake a deeper voice will probably just make the person you're talking to think that you have a cold or are a chain smoker or something.

#3 Tuck an herbal tea bag in the corner of your underwear drawer. Slipping into yummy-smelling undergarments makes the mundane routine of getting dressed sensual.
Hiding food items in with your clothes is always super fun and fearless. Just ask Claudia Kishi. And you'll feel extra sensual if the bag tears and you get to clean little tea bits out of the drawer and all of your underwear. Much sexier than just getting a little thing of potpourri or a card sprayed with perfume or something that might actually make some sense.

#4 Check out your body from behind with a hand mirror. It's an angle we're not used to seeing, and the curve of your back and your booty are freakin' sexy.
Is there something especially sensual about twisting myself around like a pretzel trying to get a small glimpse of myself in a hand mirror, or can I just look in a long regular-sized mirror like a normal person?

#7 Change the part of your hair. It will totally alter your appearance, and people will shoot you flattering "Did she do something different?" looks all day long.
If changing the part of your hair really totally altered your appearance, people would actually be shooting you "Who's that? I've never seen her around here before." looks all day long.

#9 Drop lusty words like passionate and stimulating into conversations.
For extra impact, try combining this with tip #2 and say the lusty words in your deep voice.

#10 Maintain hot-chick posture when you're sitting. Stick out your chest, straighten your back, and drape one leg over the other.
We noticed that there are a lot of unnecessarily hyphenated terms on this list. We don't really need for "hot chick" to be hyphenated in order to understand that Cosmo doesn't want us to somehow pose like a sexy baby chicken.

Baby chicken and lily

#11 Keep a raunchy diary. A few times a week, write about a fantasy you want to try for real.
Should I write about the same fantasy each time, or do I need to come up with multiple new fantasies each week?

#12 Midday, get your blood circulating with this sexy-house-kitten stretch: Arch your back so your butt sticks out, and lengthen your arms over your head. Ahhh...
Again with the hyphenating. I guess they didn't want to leave us wondering whether it was a sexy house kitten stretch or a sexy house kitten stretch or a sexy house kitten stretch or a sexy house kitten stretch. Meeeow!

#13 Hang heavy curtains in deep, sultry red to give your boudoir an intimate, seductive True Blood vibe.
Hopefully the decor in your bedroom isn't light pink floral or lavender polka dots or something like that, or you'll just get a "this room clashes with itself" vibe. Also, we love True Blood but is that necessarily the vibe you want in your bedroom? Last time we checked there weren't as many sultry red curtains on the show as there was gushing red blood. Sexy.

#14 Then install some dimmers in the bathroom. You'll feel sexier right out of the shower if you step into a more flattering glow.
Yeah, showering in semi-darkness is totally hot until you try to shave your legs or realize that you mixed up your conditioner and your body wash.

#15 Do some quick Kegels at your desk - maybe while your boss is yapping away and boring the bejesus out of you.
We know that it's a good idea to do Kegels and they can improve your sex life, but is the actual act of doing them really all that sexy? We'll give Cosmo half a point for this one since it is sort of sexy by association.

#16 Instead of blasting the AC, roll down the windows of your car, and rock the road-trip attitude. You'll arrive at your destination looking perfectly windblown and undone, which is so damn alluring, especially in the summertime.
Hopefully you're not on your way to a job interview, jury duty, or a wake.

#17 In lieu of perfume, dab some peppermint oil on your neck and between your breasts. Studies found that the smell of mint has a revitalizing effect. Bonus: Your boobs will smell extra fresh.
It's really brave of Cosmo to address the insecurity that so many women feel about whether their boobs are minty fresh enough.

Woman holding peppermint candies

#18 If you're not in a huge rush to get somewhere, take that longer, more scenic street. And by scenic street, we mean the one that all the shirtless, sweaty guys run on.
We love our local Shirtless Sweaty Guy Boulevard. There's one in every town, right?

#19 Don't jump out of bed. Spend a few minutes rolling around, tousling your hair, and nuzzling the pillows and blanket.
Okay, "nuzzling the pillows" is a euphemism for masturbating, right?

#22 Press a fake tattoo onto your outer thigh or the top of your breast. Take your lunch break outside, and hike up your skirt or shed your jacket. Exposing a little peek of the stamp will give you a naughty rush.
Cosmo is so far behind the curve with this tip. Don't they know it's all about va-ttooing now?

#23 Time how long it takes you to eat lunch, and aim to double it. Eating is sensual, but most of us Hoover a meal faster than we can taste it. Slowing down allows you to savor all the flavors, smells, and even sounds - like the crunch of a crisp apple - of your food.
This only works if you have unlimited time set aside for your lunch. Those of us with actual jobs and lives don't always have time to "double" our lunch break.

#24 Concede the towel battle in the morning, and blow-dry your hair and do your makeup naked. Chicks who are comfortable with their bods in the buff have better sex lives.
This tip is basically fine, but the phrase "towel battle" is making us laugh because we're picturing some sort of epic struggle. Fun Fearless Females vs. Evil Towels of Doom, in theaters now!

#25 Use your hands instead of a loofah to suds up in the shower. Gliding them over your wet, slippery body feels sensual.
This isn't Cosmo's fault, but sometimes I can't help associating any mention of a loofah with the Bill O'Reilly sexual harassment case and the whole loofah/falafel weirdness, and that's basically as far away from sexy as you can possibly get.

#26 Open the shades in the a.m. The burst of sunlight will instantly wake you up. Plus, the chance that the neighbors may see you in all your naked glory will give you a bad-girl buzz.
You know, just as a general rule I would prefer it if my neighbors didn't see me naked, and if that makes me slightly less sexy in Cosmo's eyes I guess I'll just have to find a way to live with it.

#27 Stand just a couple of inches closer to a hot, single man than you really need to.
I know that whenever someone invades my personal space for no apparent reason, it really turns me on.

#28 Download Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream." Studies show that listening to music pumps up your energy. The catch? You don't get a boost by listening to the same tunes on repeat - you have to update.
I'm guessing these studies showing that constantly downloading new music makes you happier were sponsored by iTunes and the RIAA. Personally, I'm happier not downloading any Katy Perry songs, but your mileage may vary.

#30 Remove your top in a tantalizing way: Jut out one hip, cross your arms in front of you, grab the hem of your shirt, and peel it off.
We're starting to feel like we need some diagrams for all of these sexy poses and maneuvers.

#32 The ultimate bad-girl gear? Leathah. Rock a bikeresque cuff with your sweetest summer dress for a naughty-and-nice look.
Add some combat boots and your 1994-themed outfit is complete!

#34 When you feel like you've hit a wall, give yourself license to reminisce about a steamy hookup - play by sizzling play. Experts say that daydreaming can get your creative juices flowing.
All this time we've been unaware that we were supposed to give ourselves specific permission to remember certain things only at certain times. The more you know...

#35 Trade your old college tee and tattered athletic shorts for gym-bunny gear: body-skimming yoga pants and a snug tank. You'll look so cute, you'll want to stay at the gym longer.
Um, no. Looking body-skimming-gym-bunny-snug-sexy is not going to make me want to spend more time working out.

#37 You know how fresh and gorgeous you feel first thing in the morning? By 3 p.m., that feeling starts to fade, so slick on some pretty gloss to reinstate your I'm-so-hot confidence.
I don't know about you, but they lost us when they combined "fresh and gorgeous" with "first thing in the morning". Try "tired and/or hungover".

#38 Go online and purchase a jar of edible body paint. Studies show that just thinking about a fun event (like going all Picasso on a naked man) can give you the energy to power through a slump.
Going all Picasso? So, like, painting an extra eye near his ear and a nose on his forehead? (And are we allowed to actually do it, or just think about it?)

#39 Don't just walk - strut. Swaggering like a total sexpot is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
They really missed a hyphenation opportunity here. Why not call it the self-fulfilling-swaggering-sexpot-strut?

#41 Silence your cell at 9 p.m. Hearing your phone - or even thinking you hear it - can make you jumpy and restless. You'll be more likely to recharge if you don't feel hunted.
Or, depending on what kind of person you are, you'll be even more restless because you're worrying about missing an important call. This also doesn't really have much to do with feeling sexier, so it seems like we're entering 'we have to make it to 50 so just throw anything in there' territory on this list.

#42 Studies prove that we enjoy almost any activity more when we're with other people. Rally a friend to get a Brazilian with you, then reward yourself by splurging on barely there undies that show off your non-coif.
Non-coif? Okay, the made up hyphenated terms just officially stopped being even remotely cute.

#44 Upgrade a blah bottle of water by adding a few slices of lemon.
Now this one is totally over-the-top. Sorry, but lemon slices are just too sexy for me.

Close-up of a woman's hand holding a glass of water with a lemon wedge

#45 Put a small, fluffy rug underneath your desk. Midway through the day, take off your shoes and scrunch your toes into the soft, comforting material.
If you work at Starbucks or you're a teacher or something, you might get some funny looks with this one.

#49 Let a sly little half-smile play on your lips. You'll come across as coy and mysterious.
Or you'll come across as someone who is randomly and weirdly smiling for no reason. This could be another combo tip though - combine the sly half-smile with hot-chick posture for bonus sexiness!

#50 It's hot and muggy. When it drizzles, "forget" your umbrella and let yourself - and your shirt - get wet. Whoops!
You'll feel so sensual when you're damp and sticky for hours afterward, or freezing to death at your air conditioned destination.

Well, we definitely feel like sexy-house-kitten hot-chick bad-girls now. Thanks Cosmo!


tehfanglyfish said...

In regard to #26, I have heard accounts (but have no sources) of at least one guy getting into legal trouble for indencent exposure because he walked around naked in his house with the blinds & front door open. It's annecdotal, yes, but I'd still rather not end up on the sex offender registry thanks to Cosmo.

The Mad Dame said...

YOu make me more and more glad that I stopped reading these types of magazines in high school. Money well saved.

CelibacyVi said...

I'll be honest, most of these are dumb, others are just quirky. I don't see anything wrong with doing little things every day to make you feel happy. Some people just plain don't know how to feel good about themselves. Is it so bad to learn some quirky ideas on how to feel sexy?
And sometimes high heels can be a symbol of power... those pointy little tips make you imagine putting them through every assholes head that you meet. And it feels damn good. So it really isn't so bad to me to have a "wear heels suggestion" They're weapons. For your feet. Then you take them off, and they're weapons in your hand : http://www.wmbfnews.com/Global/story.asp?S=12895485.
Sexy is what you feel. And some people just don't have self esteem. You can't beat it into them with diatribes. That's what Cosmo is for - People with low self esteem who need a boost, thinking that this or that trick will get them noticed. It's only bad because it so powerfully relates the concept of self worth with sex; specifically sex with men. How many people do you think buy into that diatribe really?

Jezebel said...

CelibacyVi - I didn't say there was anything wrong with doing little things every day to make yourself happy. I think the biggest issue relates to what you said about the way that Cosmo relates self-worth to sexuality. If this article was called something like '50 Quick Summer Pick-Me-Ups' I would have found it a lot less annoying. It's as if Cosmo is suggesting that if you don't feel sexy every minute of every day, there's something wrong with you.

This particular post was pretty light-hearted and we didn't find this article as problematic as some of the other things that Cosmo writes. In general though, we do think the fact that Cosmo is in some ways 'the magazine for women with low self-esteem' is an issue worth discussing.

Ms.Marx said...

I guess it isn't possible to feel sexy without trying your best to conform to what men think is sexy... really, am I the only one who feels anything but sexy when contorting into weird poses?

I just wish cosmo could redefine sexy as a women taking control of her own pleasure as opposed to just trying to be what she thinks men want.

It's too bad this magazine is so popular with girls in their late teens and early twenties, an age where they are really exploring their sexuality (or so I assume based on my own experiences)...

Aydan said...

This post made me laugh! I really like your deconstruction. Since when are heels "real shoes," and have they ever tried sticking a lemon slice in a bottle of water? What do you do, cut it into a Mobius strip to get it through the neck?

Anonymous said...

Most of these are no brainers you should be doing them anyway to keep a guy interested, but some are kinda like, really? But I think that this is too negative of responses. It did make me feel good to be a girly girl and love being a beautiful, fit and wanted woman. So I guess, thanks for being negative. :)

Anonymous said...

Why read this if all your going to do is bitch? it's Cosmo can you really expect anything different?