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March 2, 2011

Belated Cosmo Quickies: February 2011

"Cosmo has been the bible for women since Helen Gurley Brown took over in 1965." So says Kate White in the February issue's letter from the editor. Obviously we beg to differ.

Honestly, we almost skipped over this issue entirely because we thought it was a bit boring. (And you may have noticed that we're already talking about the April issue.) But there were a few notable things that we wanted to mention. So, consider this a quickie Quickies.

-The infamous Hot Sheet page has been revamped. It's now called What's Sexy Right Now, and the list is just as silly and random as ever - this month's sexy trends include things like "men who make pancakes". But the big news is that they've eliminated the What's Not So Hot section, which used to be a reliable monthly source of cattiness and slut-shaming. Although we're sad to lose a steady source of blog material, we're glad they've done away with it. Baby steps.

Oh, and number one on February's sexy list? Manthers, of course.
Snagging a Manther

A reformed bay boy like Russell Brand, an older guy on the prowl like Jake Gyllenhaal...these are the kinda scruffy, in-need-of-taming types that starlets from Katy to Taylor are going wild over.
Oh, Cosmo. Please don't try to make manther happen. It's not going to happen. And in what universe is Jake Gyllenhaal an "older" guy "on the prowl"? Come on.

-February's cover girl is Mila Kunis, and she's also Cosmo's Fun Fearless Female of the Year. This part of the article jumped out at us:
"I could not be less sexy if I tried!" she insists. "I'm a sweatpants kind of girl. I burp. I'm not a very attractive female." Of course, that I-don't-give-a-shit attitude is what makes her sexy. That and the fact that she doesn't play games. "I think playing coy is silly. Speak your mind. If a man gets turned off, he's the wrong man."
It's so funny to us that Cosmo would highlight this quote since it basically contradicts about 99% of their dating and relationship advice.

-In the 101 Things About Men section, there's a piece called Get Him To Call You that's about "body language signals" that you can send to "guarantee" that a guy will ask for your number and follow through on calling you. Remember ladies, playing coy is silly...

-In the Guy Watch section there's a painfully unfunny and offensive photo spread called Busted Being Girlie. "We're all for men embracing their feminine side, but some take it too far. Seriously, dudes - we can see your hoo-has!" I wish I was making that up. The photos include celeb guys like George Clooney, Jude Law, and Eric Dane committing horrible girlie offenses like getting a manicure, holding a small dog, and carrying various shopping and tote bags. Each photo has a hilarious caption like "Did someone say shoe sale?! Jude definitely needs a new pair...of balls, that is." And the Cosmo team was apparently really proud of this piece since it got a mention in the editor's letter ("We aren't fans of guys getting too in touch with their feminine side..."). The whole thing is just a mess.

-There's an article about how to apply lessons learned from Cleopatra to your own life. They refer to her as "the original Cosmo girl". I'm offended on her behalf.

-There's a piece called We Can't Believe We Said That!! that compares some of the "crazy-hilarious" advice that Cosmo gave in the 70s to the "wiser" advice that they offer now. Between this and the 'don't play coy with guys' thing, this must have been the Lack of Self-Awareness issue. And as long as they keep dishing out such wise advice, we'll keep reading. So you don't have to.


Mandassassin said...

Wow... Brand is 35 and Gyllenhaal is 30. Apparently men are aging out at 30 now too? I'm all for gender equality, but how abouts we stop the OMG-you're-too-ooooold thing altogether instead.

Malcolm The >:} said...

"So you don't have to."

Thank you.