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March 29, 2011

Best News Story Ever

This needs no embellishment from us:
Lawyer: Plea deal in sex toy battery case

Charges have been dropped against a Gurnee woman accused of attacking a police officer with a sex toy, her attorney said today.

As part of a plea agreement for an unrelated felony DUI charge she received in September, officials dropped an aggravated battery charge earlier this month against Carolee Bildsten, 57, said Waukegan-based attorney Neil Calanca.

Police said Bildsten held a "clear, rigid feminine pleasure device" in a "threatening manner" at her apartment on Nov. 9. An officer had gone with her to the apartment to retrieve cash after she allegedly failed to pay her dinner bill at Joe's Crab Shack on Route 132. [ChicagoBreakingNews.com]
We had so many questions after reading this. Why did this woman feel the need to "threaten" the police officer? And when she decided that it was necessary, how and why was the "feminine pleasure device" the most practical and convenient thing for her to grab? (After reading a more detailed article, it turns out that the officer surprised the woman by following her into her bedroom while she was getting the money from a drawer, and the only thing in the drawer that could pass for a "weapon" was a dildo. Gotta do what you've gotta do.)

More than anything, of course, we're dying to know what kind of dildo it was. Was it threatening merely by its essential dildo nature? Was it oversized? Too lifelike? Inflatable? Vibrating? Was it The Vamp?

Maybe it was one of those glass dildos. The article does say that the "rigid feminine pleasure device" in question was clear, so it's possible. And I guess it would probably hurt to be hit with one of those, so it could be considered sort of threatening.

Actually, we've always wanted to buy some and use them to decorate the ESC office. You know, like conversation pieces. Some of them are really pretty and colorful, and it sure beats a coffee table book. (Although I supposed we could have both.) And since we now know that they can also be used for self-defense, it's become a practical purchase as well. This is why it's so important to read the news and stay informed about current events.


Deb said...

Killed me. Dead. Your tax deductible defense-decor is a must-have.

Thank God for the 2nd amendment. The right to bear dildos is what they meant by a well-regulated militia, right?

Jezebel said...

Tax deduction! Good call. This is why we love you. And why our accountant is sure to love us.