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April 23, 2011

50 Ways to Seduce Him in Seconds

There is a limitless supply of entertainment in every issue of Cosmo magazine and the April 2011 issue is no exception... This month's mag has an article entitled "50 Ways to Seduce Him in Seconds" and well, it's hilarious. It contains so-called 'tips' that we're supposed to believe were submitted by Cosmo readers (I'm sorry, I just do not buy that) mixed in with advice from alleged experts.
We suggest you start at the beginning of our dirty, daring list and work your way through.
So we decided to start at the beginning of their 'dirty, daring' list and... mock it all the way through! Here are some of our 'favorite' ones...

1. "I had just bought this new perfume. I gave my guy a whiff, then challenged him to find the patch of my body where I had spritzed it." - Theresa, 20
Ah, what guy doesn't love to play 'find-the-smell'? (Nice to see that they started this list off right with one of the most ridiculous tips.)

19. Slip an X-rated doodle -- like a couple getting it on doggie-style -- into his coat pocket. To make your intentions crystal clear, title it "What I Can't Wait to Do Tonight." - Patricia Taylor, PhD
Who's to say that he'll even find this note before tonight? And let's just hope that no one else finds it first... what if it falls out in front of his boss? Or his... niece? The success of this move also really depends on your drawing ability... otherwise you'll end up confusing the hell out of him.
25. "My boyfriend and I were waiting in this crazy-long line at the DMV. To kill time, we started playing hangman. The phrase I had in mind was 'I'm horny.' When he finally figured it out, we got the hell out of there." - Jenna, 28
So you spent all that time waiting on line at the DMV and then you just left? So now you need to take a second trip to the DMV another time. Yeah, way to fucking ruin two days!
30. "I asked my husband to grab something out of my purse, knowing he would find the dirty book -- and the especially hot scene that I'd dog-eared -- stashed in there." - Megan, 30
So with this tip you're basically betting on the fact that your man will invade your privacy by going through your purse, finding the book, opening it up, going to the dog-eared page, and reading the hot scene all while you're supposedly waiting for him to grab something out of your purse for you. (And then you're also supposed to assume that after he's invaded your privacy, he's going to tell you about it?)
33 "My friends and I signed up for a pole-dancing class. I told my boyfriend I was just going out for drinks with the girls, and when I came home, I revealed where I had really been and showed him the sexy routine they'd taught us." - Zoe, 27
How did you show him the pole-dancing routine? Did you already have a stripper pole in your apartment or did you have one installed when you got home?
35. "The guy I was dating was writing a mid-term paper. When he got up from his laptop, I inserted the words Let's bleep. He met me in the bedroom ASAP." - Kate, 21
And so what happens if he doesn't notice that and hands it in with that naughty message? Think he'll get an A!? (Guess it depends on the teacher...) Wait... did she really type 'let's bleep' or a real word?
41. Label areas of the house where you two have never gotten busy with creative titles like The Doggie-Style Den or The Oral Corner. Tell him the goal for the night is to move from station to station until the whole place is christened. - Patricia Taylor, PhD
We think you should just leave those labels up indefinitely. Every home or office should have an Oral Corner. In fact, someday when we have our awesome ESC office, we're considering putting up random signs all over as a decorating idea... The Kama Sutra Kitchenette... The Liberal Library... The Cocky Conference Room... The 'Do-Me-On-The' Desk... The 'Nobody-Puts-Baby-In-The' Corner... The uh... the uh... Sexy Fax Machine? Yeah, I don't know. We'll think about it. (We are happily accepting suggestions.)
45. Stare longingly at his package for a few seconds. - Patricia Taylor, PhD
I honestly just stared longingly at this tip for a few seconds and then laughed my ass off. I just keep picturing the 'longing stare'....


Stare longingly at his package...

We realized that most of these 'tips' are actually the same concept repeated in a slightly different way. So to make things a little simpler, we've categorized some of them for your convenience.

Of course, the ultimate way to 'seduce him in seconds'... is to get naked! Yep, just take off your clothes. In case you weren't sure what kind of clothes you can take off to seduce a man, Cosmo gave us a helpful list.
  • You can take off evening wear...
13. "I asked a guy to unzip me out of this little black dress. When he did, I let it drop to the ground to reveal I was wearing absolutely nothing underneath." - Jackie, 23
  • You can take off pajamas...
16. If you get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, strip off all your clothes before sliding back into bed. There's a good chance that you'll wake up to him pawing at you. - Gloria Brame, PhD
  • You can take off your yoga pants...
39. "I usually start off my day with five or ten minutes of yoga. Sometimes, I do it naked, so my guy wakes up to find me in some compromising positions." - Lindsey, 23
  • You can take off your bra...
6. "Wearing a tight tank and no bra, I jumped on the bed in front of my guy." - Ariel, 24
  • You can take off your underwear...
49. Orchestrate your own private peep show: Ask your guy to come around to your side of the car to help you out. When he does, have your dress or skirt hiked way up so that when you step out, he sees that you are most definitely going commando for the evening. - Patricia Taylor, PhD
(This is only a 'private' peep show, if you're in a secluded parking lot or something. Just make sure you don't try to pull this one with the valet.)
  • You can take off your work clothes...
26. Strip off our work clothes, but leave on your high heels as you walk around the room, tidying up, taking off your jewelry, making him drool, etc. - Patricia Taylor, PhD
  • And you can take off your workout clothes...
34. After a workout, come home and peel off your clothes in front of him. - Ava Cadell, PhD
Um, after a workout I just want to shower... I don't want to get naked and seduce my man with my sexy, sweaty, smelly self. This is the second tip that suggested post-gym seduction without a shower first:
22. When you come back from the gym, walk right up to him and say, "The whole time I was on the treadmill, all I was thinking about was how much I wanted to go down on you." - Ava Cadell, PhD
Noooooo. Shower first! Cosmo does recommend showering, but only as its own seduction tool, as sort of a continuation of the 'Get Naked' theme... Get Naked in the Shower...
2. Ask him to bring you a towel after your shower, so he can see you naked, dripping, and flushed. - Gloria Brame, PhD
And then stand there shivering, creating a puddle on the floor, as you wait for him to bring you a towel. I suppose in this scenario Cosmo also wants you to empty out the bathroom of all the towels before getting in the shower, so you can legitimately ask him to bring you one without him saying "uh, isn't there one hanging right there on the towel rack?" Of course, then he will probably be annoyed, mumbling about how dumb you are that you jumped in the shower without noticing that you had no towel beforehand.
23. "I switched out our usual opaque shower curtain for a clear one. My guy walked in to find me soaping up my boobs and grinning at him. He hopped right in." - Leslie, 25
But then, just to confuse the fuck out of any men who are reading the magazine they also included a little sidebar of tips for men who might try the whole seduction thing. (We don't know why men would be reading this... maybe their girlfriends were following one of Cosmo's older tips and are forcing them to read it?)
* If the bathroom door is closed, it's for a reason. Even if the water is running, puh-lease do not surprise us in the shower.
Wait... what? They just told us to try to seduce our men by soaping up our boobs behind a clear shower curtain. Now they're telling him to stay the hell out of the bathroom while we're in the shower?

Stay out of the shower!!


Other Stuff To Do With Clothes (besides taking them off):
  • Get them all wet...
17. "I got caught in a rainstorm on my way home. A block before my place, I took off my coat so my white tee would be soaked. My boyfriend was very happy to see me." - Beth, 25
Your boyfriend was very happy to see you... and probably so were all your neighbors and everyone else you passed on the way. And we bet you felt totally sexy as you were shivering on your way into the house.
  • Wash them...
28. Hand-wash your tiniest lingerie, and hang it up around your house to dry...and drive him wild with lust. - Gloria Brame, PhD
(I'm sorry, I need to ask this... do most men really find lingerie sexy when there isn't a woman's body in them? I'm seriously asking.)
  • Wash other things in them....
43. "My fiance and I trade off cleaning duties every month. When it was my turn, I put on a slutty maid costume, walked in front of him, bent over, and started dusting." - Ashley, 28
This is actually an ingenious way to get out of cleaning duties for the day.
  • Jump up and down in them...
6. "Wearing a tight tank and no bra, I jumped on the bed in front of my guy." - Ariel, 24
  • Show them off...
9. "I live on the fifth floor of a building, and one night, I wore a short skirt and lacy underwear, and then I walked up the stairs ahead of my guy. He practically tackled me by the time we got to my apartment." - Marissa, 25
20. "My boyfriend goes crazy over this one thong I have. Occasionally, I'll wear low-riding pants and let it peek out." - Katie, 21
  • Move them around, seductively...
48. Pull your underwear aside, and tell him you want him inside you, like, yesterday. - Ava Cadell, PhD
  • Or just wear his clothes...
32. Slip into one of his oversize button-downs -- and nothing else -- before snuggling on the couch with him. Lie on your side with your head pointing away from him, so that when he looks over, he catches an up-shirt view of, well, everything. - Patricia Taylor, PhD
18. Take the sexy-girl-next-door fantasy to a whole new level by meeting him at the front door wearing nothing but a pair of pigtails and his favorite baseball hat. - Ava Cadell, PhD
Just make sure it's actually him at the door and not the FedEx guy. Or your local neighborhood girl scouts selling cookies. Or your mother-in-law.

Getting Sneaky With Sex Toys
3. "You know those treats you used to find at the bottom of a cereal box? One morning, I hid the new finger vibrator I'd just gotten in my guy's cereal for him to discover." - Lisa, 23
I'm sorry... as much as I love getting free sex toys... I think I would be kind of creeped out to find one in my cereal box. And even though she mentions that it was new (and therefore, assumedly unused) does he necessarily realize that it's clean and new? Or did you just ruin his breakfast? Of course, this is assuming that he even finds it at all. Or that he doesn't ruin it by accidentally pouring milk over it or throwing it in the trash or something. Or that he doesn't choke on it. Or that his little niece or nephew didn't find it. Or that he actually realizes that it's a vibrator at all.
29. Hide your tuned-on vibrator in his sock drawer. When he figures out where the buzzing is coming from, tell him he gets to experience its pleasure power. - Patricia Taylor, PhD
This is really just a test of what takes longer... A) for your man to actually go into his room, hear the buzzing, care enough to look for where it's coming from and actually find the vibrator... or...B) for the batteries in your vibe to run out. We're voting for B. (And we bet there are a lot of guys who wouldn't be totally psyched to find a vibrator in his sock drawer and 'experience its pleasure power'.
47. Walk up to him, slap a pair of handcuffs on his wrists, and tell him he's your sex slave for the night. - Gloria Brame, PhD
No. No no no no... We already went over this one when we wrote about Cosmo's Kinky Lite article. You can't just slap on a pair of handcuffs on him without first having a real discussion about it. This might be a good tip for any couple that has already had a conversation about their boundaries, etc. but if the Kinky Lite article's claims are correct... most of Cosmo's readers haven't gotten there yet.
42. "I came to bed holding a wooden spatula in my hand. When my guy asked what the hell I was doing, I told him that I had been a bad girl and needed a spanking. I thought his eyes were going to bulge out of his head." - Jen, 25
Yet again... you don't just say "I need a spanking". You have to have a conversation first about boundaries and stuff. And while we're sure that plenty of people would disagree with us on this one... we're sorry... Kitchen stuff is for the kitchen. Bedroom stuff is for the bedroom. Don't mix them up. (Both for your own personal hygiene and for the health and safety of anyone who ever eats food you cooked for them.) There are so many better products you can use the next time you've been a bad girl and need a spanking.


Don't use the wooden spatula.

Fun With Food

10. Make your evening snack a Popsicle, and tease and lick it right in front of him. - Ava Cadell, PhD
Popsicles are sexy because they're shaped like penises.
21. "One morning, I served my guy breakfast in bed, but I told him he could only eat it off my body." - Alyssa, 21
I know that nothing makes me feel sexier than having strips of bacon dripping grease all over my naked body.
24. Scoop an ice cube out of his drink, and drop it down your blouse...then lean back and tell him to find it. - Ava Cadell, PhD
It won't be hard to find... it'll be where that big wet spot on your blouse is forming.
50. "On my husband's birthday last year, I made him a cake and wrote 'Happy Birthday! Do anything you want to me tonight' in bright pink frosting." - Dale, 26
This tip is just screaming out to be a part of Cake Wrecks, no?

Fun With Phones
5. Send him a naughty, fill-in-the-blank e-mail: "Tonight, I promise to ____ your ____ as soon as you walk in the door. Then, I'll give you a ____ for ____ minutes...." You see where we're going with this right? - Gloria Brame, PhD
I guess there's nothing wrong with sending him a naughty text previewing the night ahead... but do you really want to make him fill in the blanks? What if you don't like his answers? Just to show how 'risky' this tip is, we played a few rounds of Sexting MadLibs...
"Tonight, I promise to murder your ex-girlfriend as soon as you walk in the door. Then, I'll give you a spanking for 700 minutes...."
"Tonight, I promise to sew your mouth as soon as you walk in the door. Then, I'll give you a walkman for 30 minutes...."
"Tonight, I promise to wash your laundry as soon as you walk in the door. Then, I'll give you a back rub for 1,000,000 minutes...."


"Tonight, I promise to shave your back as soon as you walk in the door. Then, I'll give you a colonoscopy for 20 minutes...."

"Tonight, I promise to strip for your buddies as soon as you walk in the door. Then, I'll give you a gang bang for 60 minutes...."
We think you're better off filling in the blanks yourself and letting him know exactly what you want to do to his ______.
8. When he's on his way home from work, start giving yourself some solo pleasure and "accidentally" dial him up. All those breathy ooohs and ahhhs will be motivation for him to get to you in time to join in on the action. - Ava Cadell, PhD
This one makes no sense to us... why would you pretend to 'accidentally' dial him up? If we got a call that was just breathy ooohs and ahhhs, we'd think it was a prank phone call... How do they know he would even actually listen and not just hang up when no one responds to his 'Hello?' And if he does actually stop and listen and he does think that you mistakenly 'dialed him up' while making sex noises, isn't he just going to assume that you're hooking up with someone else? Because who accidentally calls someone while masturbating? (Maybe if you were masturbating with the phone this would be a more likely scenario, but we prefer not to dwell on that.)

This isn't a terrible idea, but why not just call him and tell him what you're doing instead of pretending it's an 'accident' and making him try to figure it out.
11. Steal his phone, and quickly snap a pic of your cleavage or the inside of your thigh. When you see his jaw drop, you'll know he's stumbled upon it. - Patricia Taylor, PhD, author of Expanded Orgasm
Um... has anyone actually ever quickly snapped a pic of your cleavage or the inside of your thigh on a crappy camera phone? It doesn't really look like anything... especially not anything 'jaw-dropping'.
44. Send him a naughty sext when you're sitting right next to each other in a movie theater or when you're out to dinner with friends. - Ava Cadell, PhD
Yeah, just be totally rude to your friends or to the other people in the movie theater. Yeah, we don't care about that blue glow coming from your phone... it's important that you seduce your man right this second!

Speaking about being rude in public... Cosmo has a whole bunch of rude public displays of affection to try...


Rude PDAs
12. Reach under the table at dinner and lightly outline the shape of his package, looking him dead in the eye the whole time. - Ava Cadell, PhD
14. Out at a noisy, crowded bar? Motion for him to come close so you can tell him something. Instead, send chills down his spine by licking his ear and blowing warm breath on the same spot. - Ava Cadell, PhD

31. "Once, I snuck into the dressing room at a store with my guy, threw him up against the wall, and kissed him. We went home and had sex immediately." - Sarah, 29
Is there any place on Earth less sexy than a store dressing room? It's also funny that it's not something like 'we had a quickie in the dressing room' (also known as 'That Time I Got Banned From J.C. Penney'). No, she just gave him a very naughty....kiss in the dressing room and then they went and had sex at home like respectable people. Hmph.

36. While you're out running mundane errands together, graze your butt past his package discreetly but very purposefully. - Patricia Taylor, PhD
Something about 'discreetly but very purposefully' just makes me laugh. What exactly is the purpose of this purposefully movement? To seduce him... while out running errands? And will it still work if you don't get the discreet/purposeful ratio exactly right?

38. "Drop" your purse by his feet in the middle of a crowded store. When you stand up from retrieving it, run your fingers the whole way up his leg and over his crotch. - Patricia Taylor, PhD

40. Sit on his lap at a party. Then, subtly shift your weight back and forth over his package until he's good and riled up. No one will know but the two of you. - Gloria Brame, PhD
Until he stands up and he has a huge erection sticking out. What do you think happens when a guy's package gets 'good and riled up'? Trust us, someone besides the two of you will know, just like someone in the crowded store will see your little purse drop fondling routine and someone at the bar will see that whole ear licking move and be grossed out. Just don't do it.

Like we mentioned above, they included a little sidebar on how guys should not try to seduce us (it wouldn't be Cosmo without a sexist double standard)... Here are a few of the really extra infuriating ones...
We realize you really want to turn us on. But resort to this stuff? No.
* We can't explain it, but while it's hot for you to find us in the buff, it just doesn't work the other way around. Maybe it's the body hair?
Who says it doesn't work the other way around? Why isn't it hot to find your man in the buff? If you're attracted to your guy, then you probably don't mind the sight of him naked - even if he has, gasp, body hair - so what's with the big double standard?
* And the same goes for texting us naughty man pics.
Um, nope. Again, some women would be totally turned on by some naughty man pics. Cosmo is always warning women not to sext - and then giving them advice on what they should sext (sigh, contradictions) - but now men shouldn't do it just because they're men?
* Renting Vicky Cristina Barcelona to get us in the mood. Girl-on-girl scenes turn you on, not us.
Says who?! Plenty of women are turned on by girl-on-girl scenes, and it's just stupid to make a blanket statement suggesting otherwise. We're used to Cosmo ignoring the fact that gay and bisexual people exist... but even 'straight' girls sometimes think it's hot watch two girls getting it on. (In fact, Cosmo wrote a whole article about it back in July.)


Oh Cosmo.

6 comments:

Heather said...

Did anyone notice the strangely high number of PhDs among the submitters of these 'naughty' tips? And why did they all list 'PhD' where the other women listed their ages? Do higher degrees confer immortality now?

Maybe the professors of a particular college's psych dept decided to go trolling Cosmo's website for kicks. That would be really awesome, actually.

Lilith said...

Oops, actually those were tips that Cosmo got from so-called 'experts' (in addition to the user-submitted tips). We edited the entry to clarify.

Anonymous said...

Having sex after working out can actually be really sexy. Your pheromones are really strong (not everyone gets "stinky" in a negative way after a moderate workout, and of course not everyone has the same preferences) and this can be very arousing. I also think it's sexy as hell when my man is covered in sweat, and it can make sex feel more intense. Like the other things you said, it is a matter of who you are and what you like.

Anonymous said...

I think whoever is correcting everyones posts here is great... ALOT of good points. I agree that men are sexy sweaty... but when theyre either workin hard & u watch... or when you're the one who made them that sweaty... Its not that great when theyre sweaty already, then forplay & *** comes... next thing you know, your in the middle of a great time & your eye starts burnin or u get a very salty taste in your mouth. Its just not worth the risk for me... plus, sweaty bodies rubbin on each other could leave rashes :(

chellz said...

My only disagreement is I think that man sext pictures are not so sexy. I mean women are required to cover more than a man so there's more to see, especially if you factor in lingerie options.... as attractive as a mans chest might be it doesn't give the same feeling cause its no different from pictures he could have on Facebook. I mean there's only so many penis pictures a girl can have of the same penis before it's really not that exciting. Other than that I actually laughed out loud! :)

ayesha said...

I loved your post, had me laughing so hard I had tears! Good one! :-D