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April 28, 2012

No, pineapples won't make your junk taste like pina colada

Just yesterday we were talking about the taste of semen. (Yeah, you read that correctly.)

We were checking out some of the Masque samples that we got at the MOMENTUM Conference. (Masque is a new line of orally-dissolvable, flavored gel strips that block the flavors associated with fellatio.) Neither of us is personally that offended by the taste of semen. Maybe we don't love the flavor but we've never had a problem swallowing after oral sex. However we realize that many many men and women do have a problem with the taste, so that's why we think Masque is an ingenious product. Anything that makes oral sex (or sexuality in general) a more positive or enjoyable experience for people is a good thing. And even if you don't mind the taste of semen, sometimes it's fun to mix it up a little. 

So right in the middle of our conversation about the taste of semen, we noticed that Cosmo posted something on Twitter about drinking pineapple juice before oral sex to improve the taste! Oh Cosmo, sometimes it's as though you can read our minds. But then you take that psychic connection and go and fuck it up!

Now, it's not a bad tip. Any fruit high in natural sugar is likely to increase the sweetness of your body's secretions but don't expect your man's penis to taste like a piƱa colada. There is evidence to support the theory that a change in diet can improve the taste of semen, but... it's still semen. However, in true Cosmo-form, they act like this is the most amazing tip ever (like that time they told us about that brand new amazing invention called lube).

Apparently there's a section on their website erroneously called "Cosmo's Best. Sex. Ever. Blog". (Sorry, but if this is the best sex ever, then that's just really really really sad. Read on... you'll see what we mean.) The blog follows the (allegedly) true stories of 20-something "S" and her boyfriend "D"'s sexual escapades:
Our naughty blogger is back and feeling ballsier than ever. And this time, we're letting you ladies choose the dares that S. and D. will be trying out! Every week we'll post two hot ideas on Facebook and Twitter. Then our followers and fans (that's you!) will vote for one or suggest something even hotter and read the sexy recaps right here. 
Neither the sex nor the dares sound very hot or very interesting so far. I mean, it's not shocking - considering that the last time they tried this "sex challenges" idea, they included relatively tame ideas like eating candy necklaces off of each other, kissing for a full minute (gasp!), and putting your hair in a ponytail and having him gently yank it from behind - but it's still a pretty slow start.

And the writing is bad, like cringe-worthy bad, 50 Shades of Grey bad. You can tell that "S" is trying really hard to be cute and witty, while at the same time still come off as totally naughty but she fails at both and the result is just painfully bad. It's kind of hilarious that Cosmo thinks of itself as a magazine full of super sex experts (there are "sex tips" in every issue) yet this is the best they can do for a sex blogger and their first "hot idea" is to eat pineapple. 

Just in case you think we're being unnecessarily snarky, we've included a few excerpts to show just how terrible this sex blog is...
If, like they say, you are what you eat, D. and I would be big pineapples. Actually, as of last night, D. would be my hoo-ha and I would be his peen.
It had been a little while since I'd been on the receiving end of el sexo oral (I've been getting laser hair removal ergo I can't get waxed ergo I'm often unkempt down there ergo I don't let D.'s face get too close)
Double groan.
There's just too much cutesy-ness for a blog that's supposed to be sexy, but when she finally gets to the actual sex-part, it gets even worse.
D. started on top of me, kissing my neck, my chest, my nipples, and my stomach, but he went on like this for a while and didn't make any moves to go farther south so I had the genius idea of taking charge and treating him to an orgasm before I collected mine. That "genius" was sarcastic, bee tee dubs. You'll see why shortly. I sat up so that D. was forced to get on his knees (with my legs around his calves) and started to kiss his torso. This foreplay lasted all of three seconds before I went straight for the business. I don't think I've ever given a beej in this position before (have you?). You sort of have to lean forward and curve your back, which is a tad uncomfortable. And I'm sure the rolls on my stomach would have been enough to deflate D.'s erection faster than an air mattress when you take the stopper out (actually, bad analogy, those things take freaking forever to deflate, but you get the point), but my bobbing head blocked his view so I was blissfully un-self-conscious.
D. tried to use his right hand to reach between my legs, but he couldn't really reach and settled for grabbing my left boob. Apparently that left boob is really something special, because he finished in just a couple minutes.
It's neither erotic, nor informative. It just reads as... bad sex. Or bad oral sex. Or just bad bad bad. (And then there's more nauseatingly twee fake-slang like "bee tee dubs" and "beej", ugh.)
And survey says: the pineapple juice makes a difference! A slight difference. Don't expect cotton candy and ice cream and unicorns, but I did notice that it simply had less of a taste. And that's exactly what I told D.

"It tastes like nothing!" I exclaimed.

"Is that...good?" he asked.

"Yes!" I said, a little too enthusiastically. "Well, it's just...different than usual. Not that your...it isn't...I'm fine with your...it's very..."
I stemmed the verbal vomit by planting a kiss on his stomach.
Nothing sexier than throwing a "vomit" metaphor into your story! And she completely contradicts herself in regards to how effective the pineapple juice really was. Somehow that "slight difference" and "less of a taste" translates to "It tastes like nothing!" I'm sorry, but I don't care how much pineapple juice you're drinking, but it's not going to make semen taste like nothing.

[Hilariously scary naked dude with a pineapple courtesy of Cosmo UK]

But the worst part of the story is yet to come.
We returned to horizontal position, where D. was now easily able to get a hand between my legs. He starting moving two fingers in slow, circular motions over my clitoris. Very slow motions. Very, very slow motions. And that's when I noticed it: D. was drifting off. I moaned loudly to wake him up and he came to. Realizing he needed to get this show on the road, he started heading down.

Things were going well at first. He was doing a lot of flicking and simultaneous hand-and-mouth stimulation (can I add that to my earlier definition of heaven?). But after a minute, the tongue movements slowed down. Slower…slower…slower. HE WAS NODDING OFF AGAIN! Please, someone out there, tell me this has happened to you, and that I'm not the only woman with a sleep-inducing vagina.

He was falling asleep? WTF! This is what Cosmo considers a "sexy recap"? Just because it's about sex doesn't make it sexy. And yet, they have the nerve to include this story in something called the "Best. Sex. Ever. Blog". I'm sure plenty of people have experienced something similar to this, but would you classify it as the best sex ever? I don't think so. It's not even good sex, let alone "best" sex.

We just can't wait until the next "sexy" challenge (not).

But we are somewhat curious about what the actual effects of pineapple juice and other diet changes can have on the taste of semen and vaginal juices. We're pretty skeptical.

In addition to pineapple, other fruits high in natural sugars (like papaya, mango, melon, grapes and apples) are said to help counteract the bitter/salty taste of semen. Drinking water and eating diuretic foods (like parsley, celery, and wheatgrass) can flush out bad toxins. It is also recommended to avoid red meat, dairy, alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, certain "stinky" vegetables (garlic, onions, cauliflower, cabbage, asparagus and broccoli) and heavily processed foods. And of course, proper hygiene doesn't hurt!

But there's no magical diet that can make any of your body fluids taste like candy. (Not to mention, that it's quite a lot to ask to insist that your partner change their diet drastically for you, even if it does result in more oral sex.) If a couple wants to play around with different foods and see if it has an effect, we say go for it. But if you're one of those people who really hates the taste of semen, there is not enough pineapple juice in the world to make it suddenly taste good.


missy said...

they should just leave the sex blogging to those of us that are able to use the words "cunt" and have oral even though our areas are not perfectly bald...good lord...

Kristin said...

Good gawd, I'm not a sex blogger and my reviews for EdenFantasys read better than the tales of S and D. Thanks for the laugh.

colinday said...

About that picture with the guy holding a pineapple:

Aren't pineapple skins/rinds a little rough to be holding that close to your genitals?

Tara said...

I never heard of this masque stuff before. But it sounds a hell of a lot easier than bingeing on pineapple. (I hate pineapple!)

Jess Pop said...

That's not just any scary naked guy in CosmoUK! That's Louis Spence, the bendiest dancer we've got. I think he actually lives at CosmoUK.