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June 28, 2012

Our Review of a Sex App That We Will Never Use

Just a typical day at the office for us...

Lilith: Did you see our new twitter follower?
Jezebel: Which one?
Lilith: The iBang app. "The first and only iPhone App to give you detailed graphs and statistics of your sexual performance.... accurate to the thrust!"
Lilith: WTF LOL
Jezebel: OMG yes, I was going to mention it to you.
Lilith: I'm on their website right now.
Jezebel: Oh, this I have to see.
Lilith: The screenshots are hilarious.
Lilith: "I just lasted 37 thrusts in bedroom lasting 11s, lol! DONT POST / POST"

Jezebel: "the world's premier Sex Tracking App!!!" "Super detailed data!!!" "Easily share with your friends on facebook or twitter!" Well, they certainly seem excited about it.
Lilith: The social sharing part is my favorite. Because that's just what everyone's fb and twitter friends want to see!

Jezebel: OMG, the "best and worst efforts" section is killing me. Total thrusts, total time thrusting, total average TPM...thrusts per minute, I'm assuming?

Lilith: How does it know how many thrusts you make? Do you count and enter it?
Jezebel: I don't know, but suddenly I'm dying to know the ratio of slow to medium thrusts for all of our twitter and facebook friends.
Lilith: Maybe you wear it? Like a pedometer?
Jezebel: LOL. That would be kind of a mood killer if you not only have to count the thrusts, but also judge them.
Jezebel: 'Honey, would you call that a slow or a medium?'

Lilith: Also like, is that all that matters in sex? # of thrusts? How about the QUALITY of the thrusts?
Jezebel: I know, I was just looking at the screenshots to see if they measure anything else and it looks like this is it.
Jezebel: And where's the female version?
Lilith: Yeah I know, right?
Jezebel: Like, should I measure my own performance by counting my partner's thrusts?
Lilith: And apparently any sex that doesn't involve nothing but PIV thrusting doesn't exist either.

Jezebel: I'm looking at their twitter and there's only one tweet so far.

@iBangApp For anyone that might be reading this, we will be releasing our exciting new app very shortly. Follow to stay updated #iphone #sex#app

Lilith: Definitely follow them, we need to stay updated.
Jezebel: Already done.
Lilith: Oh and speaking of twitter, did you see all of the tweets about our Hot Wheels post?
Jezebel: Yes, that was awesome. And nobody can say our blog doesn't cover diverse topics.

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